


Jagged Edges

by jncar



Series: The New Jedha Chronicles [1]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Didn't Know They Were Dating, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Force Ghosts, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Physical Disability, Rebelcaptain - Freeform, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Crush, because they are that clueless about emotions, but still important to warn about, eventual original trilogy characters, just because i can, not the main characters for the previous tag, past Bodhi/Galen, sciencepilot, self-indulgent use of Hamilton quotes, spiritual awakenings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2018-09-23 16:02:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 150,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9664559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jncar/pseuds/jncar
Summary: “Dying is easy, young man. Living is harder.”Beaten, bruised, and broken, Cassian, Jyn and Bodhi stand on the jagged edges of what used to be their lives, and work to rebuild themselves one piece at a time.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this story opens with the obligatory “how they escape from Scarif” scenario. But after that the focus is on character and relationship growth with an emphasis on how the characters cope with the mental/emotional/physical wounds they experienced during the canon adventures, and how they remake themselves now that those wounds have permanently changed them. So no wild planet-hopping adventures here. But if you like quieter more psychological/spiritual focused story-telling, then this is the one for you. Also, this will be an angsty journey but it leads up to an uplifting and hopeful ending. (Plus I use Hamilton quotes at the top of every chapter because apparently I can't help myself.) I am going to attempt to update weekly, but when real life gets rough it might fall to twice a month. I have a rough outline, and I think it will run 10-12 chapters.

“In the eye of a hurricane / There is quiet / For just a moment, / A yellow sky … I didn't drown. / I couldn't seem to die.”

- _Hurricane_ , from Lin Manuel Miranda's Hamilton

 

 

“Copy you, Rogue One. We'll get it done.”

 

The signal went dead, and Bodhi Rook smiled. He'd done it. “This is for you, Galen,” he murmured to himself. For the first time since Bor Gullet, the thought of Galen Erso did not stir unwanted images or memories in his mind. At last he was at peace with the man who had so dramatically altered his life. He hoped that wherever he was now, Galen had also found peace.

 

Now to prep for evac. The team would need him soon.

 

He rose to head toward the ladder to the cockpit when he heard a voice, calm and clear. “Turn around. Get ready to catch.”

 

Too shocked to do anything but comply, Bodhi spun in time to see a small metal cylinder flying toward him. On instinct he crouched and dove, his hands outstretched, and grasped the cylinder from air.

 

Bodhi felt himself on the streets of NiJedha again, a boy playing ball with his friends. He couldn't keep the ball. He had to throw it toward the goal. He'd always had a good arm.

 

With a move trained by countless games, he propelled the cylinder out of the shuttle. His memory-addled brain only recognized it as a grenade when it exploded just before hitting the cluster of service equipment some 15 meters beyond the shuttle ramp.

 

He felt the heat on his skin and smelled his hair singing before crashing to metal floor with rib-cracking force.

 

He groaned. He hurt. That meant he was still alive.

 

“Get ready to fly,” said the same voice heard earlier – a voice he finally recognized.

 

Grunting in pain he sat up, “Chirrut?” But the blind Guardian was nowhere to be seen.

 

Bodhi saw clear scorching on the ramp and the instrument panels nearest it. But everything was still intact. He could still fly.

 

He fought through the pain and pushed to his feet, stumbling toward the ladder.

 

Blasterfire cut through the air again, sending a shivering through Bodhi's body. He turned to see a grizzled Alliance soldier sprinting up the ramp, his body angled sideways so he could continue to fire his blaster-rifle at the approaching troopers. “Close the ramp!” he shouted, taking position inside to aim more carefully.

 

Bodhi nodded and scrambled up the ladder, a fresh burst of adrenaline propelling him. He slid into his seat and hit the control for the ramp. Behind him the powerful servos cranked into action, and in moments the ramp closed with a resounding clank.

 

“Shuttle secure,” called the unfamiliar soldier from the hold. “But we won't be for long unless y' get us flying! Go Go Go!”

 

Bodhi was in complete agreement. He rushed through the takeoff procedures (he could almost see his first flight instructor in the seat beside him grimacing and throwing his hands in the air at Bodhi's unprofessional haste) and in less than a minute they were in the air. From his cockpit window he could see all the troopers nearest the landing pad being blown over by the shuttle exhaust burn. Good. Fewer left to shoot at them.

 

They'd made it off the ground. The only question was, where to next?

 

~ ~ ~

 

The word “peace” meant very little to Cassian Andor. He'd always heard it spoken of as an ideal. Something the Senators and Mon Mothma preached in public before making decisions to save or spend men's lives in dark rooms and behind closed doors.

 

He claimed to fight for peace. Peace and freedom. But in truth, Cassian had never experienced either.

 

At least, not until today. Standing in the service turbolift, leaning against the warm metal wall, his arm around Jyn's shoulder and his other hand on her waist, he felt at peace for the first time.

 

So this was what he'd fought for all those years.

 

It was nice to experience it at least once before the end. He could die at peace. He'd never expected that. Maybe it was a gift from the Force. Anything was possible.

 

He wasn't sure why he did what he did next. Maybe it was the pain. Maybe it was the thrill he'd felt at Jyn's confident proclamation that the someone had been listening – that the plans made it to the fleet. Or maybe it was simply giving into an impulse he'd felt, and repressed, since their mission to Jedha.

 

Whatever the motive, he felt himself slowly tilting his head toward Jyn's. She held his gaze. She didn't draw back. He felt her hand grip a little tighter at the back of his neck. That was permission enough.

 

He closed the final inches between them, brushing his lips against hers.

 

She parted her lips to accept his kiss, calming any last doubts that lingered in the back of his mind.

 

She wasn't fierce or passionate like he'd expected. Her kiss was soft. Tentative. Gentle.

 

He wished they had time for more.

 

Ending the kiss, he rested his forehead against hers, his nose full of the scent of cinders and sweat. In spite of everything, she still felt so strong in his arms. So much stronger than his broken and failing body.

 

Softly, barely more than a whisper, he let himself speak. “I wish I could have known you better, Jyn Erso.”

 

A small sound, somewhere between a sob and a huff, escaped her throat.

 

And the turbolift lurched to a halt.

 

He leaned back, readying his aching muscles for whatever movement was still required of him. But Jyn glared up at him, all gentleness gone. The _need_ and _fire_ he'd seen in her almost from the start was back. “Don't give up so soon, Cassian Andor,” she snarled at him. “We're not dead, yet.”

 

He winced as she tugged his arm more securely over her shoulders, taking more of his weight on herself. The lift door opened.

 

“Now move!”

 

He moved.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi maneuvered the shuttle to evade a few blasts from the ground, but soon after taking off, the attacks ceased.

 

On the ground he saw imperials running for the nearest shuttles, and above him all the combating craft were turning away from their battle and zooming away from the surface.

 

“What the...?” Bodhi murmured.

 

“Looks like all those buggers have finally realized that gray monstrosity ain't here for the rebel fleet,” said the dirty soldier, pointing vaguely upward. He collapsed into the co-pilot chair, rattling like a bag of spare parts being dropped from a cargo hold. The man was covered in filth and blood, and Bodhi had no idea how much of the blood was coming from his own wounds, and how much had come from... elsewhere.

 

As the soldier's words penetrated his mind, Bodhi tilted the shuttle so he could look high into the sky in the direction the man had gestured.

 

The Death Star.

 

Just like Jedha all over again.

 

A flood of memories rushed through his mind – all the people he'd known – all the shops and food stands he'd frequented in his youth – the small dusty school where he'd been taught academics and religion in almost equal parts until his father died and mother pulled him out to put him in an imperial school instead – his aunties and uncles and cousins that had still lived in NiJedha when the end came. His sister and her son.

 

“Hey – pull yourself together, man!” the soldier shouted, yanking Bodhi out of his mental spiral.

 

Bodhi swallowed hard and nodded. “I'm the pilot. I'm the pilot.” He could still do his job. He could get them out.

 

He hit his com. “This is Rogue One. I repeat, this is Rogue One. Any rebel survivors, state your location and prepare for evac. I repeat, any rebel survivors, state your location and prepare for evac.”

 

A few seconds later, a response. The voice sounded far too young and far too frightened to have been one of the rugged gang Bodhi had flown here. “Pinned down at the barracks near pad seven! Please – there are too many of them!”

 

Bodhi dipped the shuttle toward pad 7 and spotted a skirmish near some barracks.

 

“I'm engaging the enemy,” Bodhi, broadcast. “Get ready to run toward the beach – I can't reach you where you're at.” He swooped down toward the line of troopers.

 

Shuttles were equipped with minimal offensive capabilities, but it was plenty to blast the line of a dozen troopers out of existence.

 

He scanned the area and found no other immediate threats. Lowering the shuttle into a sustained hover, he hit the ramp controls.

 

The soldier had slumped lower in the copilot seat, and blood was now dripping on the ground and seat around him.

 

Okay. He couldn't be moved.

 

“Can you sustain a hover?” Bodhi asked.

 

The soldier nodded. “Yessir. I can manage it.” With a grunt, he leaned forward to take over the controls.

 

Bodhi raced down the ladder, wincing as his forgotten pain kicked back in. He ignored it and dashed to the ramp. Two men stumbled toward the shuttle.

 

“Come on!” Bodhi yelled, gesturing for them to run faster.

 

He blinked in shock when he recognized one of the men as Baze Malbus.

 

When they reached the ramp, Baze bodily lifted the younger soldier onto the ramp. Bodhi grabbed the man's back and pulled him in, then turned back to Baze. “Chirrut?” he asked.

 

Baze only shook his head.

 

A violent green light blasted through the sky, a deafening roar drowning out any answer Baze might have given.

 

In the distance, with a fiery glow, the horizon began to peel away from the surface, rising like a wave.

 

Bodhi shouted for Baze to come, though he couldn't hear his own words over the ringing in his ears. Baze only shook his head again and backed away, mouthing a single word. “Go.”

 

Bodhi's heart ached, but there was no time.

 

Baze had already turned his back on the shuttle, striding toward a field littered with bodies.

 

Bodhi hit the manual ramp closure controls and raced back to the cockpit as fast as his aching body could move.

 

The bleeding soldier was already on the com. “Rogue One preparing to leave the surface. Any other survivors better call us right the fuck now, or you're toast!”

 

Bodhi slid into his seat and pulled the shuttle up, silently praying that they'd get another call before it was too late. _Come on, Jyn._

 

The com crackled with the static of an incoming call.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn hadn't expected Cassian's kiss in the lift, but she'd welcomed it. He'd surprised her so many times in the handful of days they'd known each other. This last surprise was a good one.

 

The kiss felt like one promise kept, and a new promise made.

 

_I want to help._

 

_Welcome home._

 

And then he'd ruined it with his damned fatalistic words. _I wish I could have known you better, Jyn Erso._

 

She stalked through the abandoned halls of the Citadel toward the nearest exit she could remember, willing herself to slow enough to keep from knocking him off of his feet, with nearly half his weight resting on her shoulders and leaning against her side.

 

Damn him.

 

He'd given her back both of her fathers, only for her to witness both of their deaths.

 

He'd betrayed her, and then confessed his crimes and come to her in penitence, offering his assistance.

 

He'd had so many chances to leave her behind – so many times when leaving her behind would have made more strategic sense, would have given him a better chance of survival. Yet he came back for her again and again.

 

Even here, on the tower.

 

He fell. And still he came back.

 

She didn't understand. And she wasn't sure if she could forgive him for expecting to die. Did he think an honorable death here would be his ultimate absolution for his crimes? That dying for his cause would be better than living for it?

 

Damn him.

 

She didn't want him to die.

 

_I wish I could have known you better, Jyn Erso._

 

No one had ever wanted to know Jyn Erso before. Not Saw – he only wanted to know the dutiful soldier, not the girl she'd once been. Not any of her “business partners” during the long years fighting to survive after Saw. They only wanted to know how she could benefit them, or what they could take from her. And certainly no one at any of the prisons she'd been in had ever wanted to know her.

 

_Welcome home._

 

_I wish I could have known you better._

 

She wasn't ready to give that up.

 

He'd made a promise with those words and that kiss, and she was going to damn well try her hardest to see that he could keep it.

 

Her nearly-forgotten com unit crackled to life, an unfamiliar voice filling the silence.

 

“Rogue One preparing to leave the surface. Any other survivors better call us right the fuck now, or you're toast!”

 

She heard Cassian's sharp intake of breath as she suddenly hastened their pace toward the exit. She could see it. It wasn't far.

 

She loosed her hand that held Cassian's arm over her shoulders, counting on him to compensate, and scrambled for her com.

 

She raised it to her mouth and pushed the button. “Two survivors just outside the southwest exit at the base of the Citadel. We will be ready for evac in two minutes. Copy.”

 

“Copy. Good to hear your voice, Sergeant. We'll be there.” The com fell silent.

 

Beside her, Cassian started to slump. “I'm slowing you down. You need to leave me.”

 

Jyn clenched her teeth. He never left her behind, and she sure as hell wasn't leaving _him_ , either. “Either both of us get out, or neither of us,” she replied. “That's the deal.”

 

“Jyn...” His voice was weak. Pained.

 

“That's the deal!” She pulled his arm tighter and urged him forward. They were almost there.

 

With a grunt of pain, he picked up his pace.

 

Jyn couldn't stop herself from smiling.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi's eyes widened in delight at the sound of Jyn's voice. She'd made it! She'd done it!

 

Two survivors – that must mean Cassian was still with her. He couldn't imagine her having found anyone else to call a “survivor” there inside the Citadel.

 

His heart raced as he pulled the shuttle away from the beach and circled toward the southwest side of the Citadel.

 

The glowing tsunami of destruction grew closer by the second, but there was still time. He was the pilot. He could do this.

 

This one was personal. Jyn was the closest thing to a friend he had left. And Cassian – he'd been kind and trusting when no one else had been, so, in spite of everything else, he supposed Cassian was close to being a friend, as well.

 

After all they'd gone through, they deserved a chance at escape.

 

As the shuttle swooped down toward the Citadel, he grinned. One small figure supporting another, waving her hand in the air as he approached. He drew the shuttle in close to the raised platform where Jyn and Cassian stood, and pulled into a a hover before opening the ramp. His bloody companion looked close to unconsciousness, now. Bodhi would would have to maintain the hover himself and hope that Jyn could get Cassian on board on her own.

 

With the ramp facing the Citadel, he had a clear view of the brilliant death rolling toward them.

 

This was going to be another close one.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn clenched her teeth at the sight of the ramp hovering a few feet away. There was only one way to get there, and she wasn't certain if Cassian could make it.

 

“We have to jump. Together or not at all, remember,” she said before he could beg to be left behind again.

 

Silently he nodded.

 

She edged them closer to the ramp – just close enough to give them a running leap.

 

“Alright – we'll go on the count of three. One. Two. Three!” She heaved him forward, his weakened legs somehow finding the strength to take two running steps alongside her before they jumped.

 

She heard his cry of pain – sharper and full of more agony than she'd expected – at the same moment that she felt his arm slip loose of her shoulder.

 

As soon as her feet – followed by her hands – hit the upper ramp, she spun to grab for him.

 

Cassian had landed short, his legs dangling and his hands desperately seeking purchase.

 

With a primal cry bellowing from her chest, Jyn lunged forward and clamped both hands onto Cassian's nearest wrist.

 

Her heart broke a little at his second howl of pain when she dragged him to the top of the ramp. But pain was temporary. Death was forever. She couldn't let him go.

 

Once they were both on solid ground she gripped under his armpits and more carefully eased him the rest of the way into the shuttle, while calling over her shoulder, “We're in! Get us out of here!”

 

The ramp began to rise, rolling Cassian the rest of the way into the shuttle. He groaned one last time before his eyes rolled up in his head and his body went slack.

 

Her breath shaking, Jyn reached for his neck, frantically searching for a pulse. There. She found it – weak, but steady. He'd only fallen unconscious. It was probably for the best.

 

She felt the shuttle pull away from the Citadel and accelerate. Thank the Force.

 

She eased Cassian onto his back as gently as she could and stretched him out. She needed to tend to these wounds.

 

She spun on her heels and saw one soldier – a young man with tan skin and hazel eyes, wide and staring, who looked as if he couldn't be older than eighteen – huddled in a ball against the far wall, his legs drawn up against his chest, his arms hugging them tight to his body.

 

“Hey,” she called, “you know where the med kit is?”

 

The soldier didn't move, just sat staring into the near distance, frozen.

 

Damn it. She'd seen battle-shock before. There was nothing she could do for him, right now. But that meant there was nothing he could do for her, either.

 

Scanning the hold with her eyes she locked onto a spare jacket hanging on an equipment hook. She rose, wincing at the ache in her muscles. She'd be paying for that climb for a long time. Grabbing the jacket, she folded it into a rough approximation of a pillow, and crouched to carefully lift Cassian's head and slid it underneath. She settled his head until it looked comfortable. Not that he'd notice, in his state.

 

She reached out and smoothed his fringe away from his eyes. Lines of pain and tension were etched across his face, even in unconsciousness. He needed a medbay – as soon as possible. But until then, she'd do what she could.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi most certainly did not want to be absorbed by the wave of destruction following him. But he was equally opposed to being immediately captured by the imperial fleet.

 

This necessitated an unpleasant decision. Instead of immediately heading up up up and as far away as possible, he pushed the atmospheric flight capabilities of the shuttle to their extremes, zooming away from the blast zone as fast as possible toward the other side of the globe. The side _without_ a battle-station, a star destroyer, and a swarm of TIE fighters.

 

The shuttle rumbled and groaned with the strain. According to his sensors, the blast zone was still rolling ever closer behind them, but he still hadn't put enough distance between the shuttle and the fleet to feel safe. He glanced over at the soldier slumped beside him. The man was wheezing and gurgling and the pool of blood on the floor was still getting larger.

 

That, and those screams he'd heard from Cassian when they jumped aboard, were alarming, to say the least.

 

He needed to help tend their wounds. And until he made it to a safe hyperspace course, he couldn't do that.

 

He started heading higher.

 

According to sensors he'd made it to the outer edge of imperial fleet movements. That would have to be enough.

 

He banked steeply upward, calculating the jump to hyperspace as they plowed through the upper atmosphere.

 

He caught a glimpse of a few TIE fighters out of the corner of his eye – and immediately engaged the hyperdrive.

 

His hands shook as he stared intently at the sensors. A full minute out from Scarif, he finally let out his breath.

 

No sign of pursuit.

 

They'd made it.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn's heart swelled when Bodhi came down the ladder from the cockpit. After that com call she'd half expected someone else to be piloting in his stead. He moved stiffly, clearly suffering some sort of injury, but was largely intact.

 

“How is he?” Bodhi asked, glancing down at Cassian.

 

Jyn sighed and struggled to her feet. “Not great. He's got a blaster wound to his side and he took a bad fall. Probably some broken bones and a concussion. I'm worried there might even be damage to his spine.”

 

Bodhi blinked. “That – uh – yeah. Definitely not great.” He glanced to the side, to peer at the young soldier still curled into a ball against the wall. “And you? Any injuries need looking at?”

 

Jyn grimaced. “He won't talk. Battle-shock. Doesn't look like he's bleeding, so he's best off left alone for now.”

 

“Oh,” Bodhi's eyes went slightly wider for a moment. “Oh. Yes. When I – when I picked him up, Baze...” He trailed off, looking lost in his own thoughts.

 

Baze Malbus? “Is Baze up there in the cockpit?” It was hard to think of him on his own, without Chirrut Imwe beside him.

 

Bodhi swallowed hard and shook his head. “No. No. He... Nevermind. It's nothing.”

 

Jyn decided to let it drop. None of them were up for much pushing right now. She changed the subject. “Is there someone up there? I didn't recognize the voice on the com.”

 

“Yes.” Bodhi perked up. “One of the old veterans who came with us. I – I can't remember his name. But there's blood. A lot of blood. He passed out a few minutes ago. I don't think I can treat him on my own. Will – will he be okay for a few minutes while we take care of our friend in the cockpit?” He tilted his head toward Cassian.

 

Jyn sucked on her bottom lip, thinking. She didn't particularly want to leave Cassian alone right then, but if the veteran was bleeding out, he needed treatment first. It was the right thing to do. “He'll manage. Now, where's the med kit?”

 

Once they had the kit and made their way up to the cockpit, Jyn discovered that Bodhi hadn't been exaggerating when he said “a lot of blood.” The whole floor around the co-pilot seat was slick with it. She'd see few men bleed that much without dying of it. She hurried to one side of the man, making room for Bodhi on the other, and quickly looked for a pulse. It was there. The man must have a few extra pints of blood inside him to have a steady heartbeat while looking the way he looked.

 

“Use a knife or scissors on his clothes anywhere you see bleeding,” she said, pulling out her own pocketknife and stripping the arm off of the man's jacket and shirt. Bodhi went to work on the man's leg.

 

While examining the blaster wound in his shoulder, a memory rose in her mind. “Rostok,” she said.

 

“What?” Bodhi asked, glancing up. He had the man's pant leg split open to reveal a jagged piece of shrapnel protruding from this thigh, blood still dripping from the wound.

 

Jyn grimaced. That seemed to be the source of most of the bleeding. “Corporal Rostok,” she repeated, crouching to help Bodhi. This wound needed tending sooner than the blaster wound. “I remember being introduced on the way to Scarif.” She took a deep breath, her nose filling with the coppery tang of blood. “We'll have to put a tourniquet above the shrapnel to stop the bleeding. We won't have time for anything else before he bleeds out.”

 

Bodhi let her take the lead. She pulled a cinching tourniquet out of the med kit and strapped it above the wound, tightening it as much as possible. The blood stopped dripping.

 

“I found some synth-blood in the kit,” said Bodhi. “I'm guessing he needs it.”

 

“I'm guessing you're right,” Jyn agreed. “Do you know how to find a vein in an arm?”

 

He shook his head. “I've never – never had to do field medicine before.”

 

“Okay.” Jyn took the pack of synth-blood and the attached tubing and needle. “Be ready with med-tape.” Unfortunately she'd done field medicine all too often.

 

Rostock's veins were limp from blood loss, but she managed to get the needle in without too much probing. Bodhi taped it down for her while she found a place to hang the synth-blood bag. She turned the tiny valve on the bag and watched the cloudy liquid start to flow down the tube and into Rostock's vein.

 

She sighed. It might not be enough to save him, but it was the best they could manage.

 

She rifled through the med kit and grabbed a bacta patch and a bone stabilizer. “I'm going to go see to Cassian, now. It looks like Rostov has another blaster burn on his side, along with that one on his arm. Get bacta patches on both. There's nothing else we can do.”

 

“What about you?” Bodhi asked, glancing down at her legs.

 

She followed his gaze and, for the first time, noticed several tears in her pants and the side of her shirt, all lightly spotted with blood. When had that happened? “It's nothing that can't wait until we get to Yavin,” she said curtly. She wasn't the one who needed looking after, right now.

 

Cassian's face still looked pained.

 

She'd seen him smile several times in the last two days, and she wanted to see that smile again.

 

She knelt beside him. “Okay. I'm going to look at that blaster wound, now.” She spoke softly, more for her benefit than for his. But if he had any consciousness at all, she wanted him to know that she was still there.

 

Tugging gently with her knife, she split open Cassian's shirt around his wound. He twitched when she peeled back some fabric stuck to the wound. “Sorry – sorry,” she whispered. “I'll have this taken care of as quick as I can.”

 

The wound hadn't bled much, but, from her experience, there was probably at least some minor internal damage. There wasn't much she could do about that. Fortunately the trip from Yavin to Scarif had only taken four hours, and even with an evasive course the return trip wouldn't take much longer. Until then all she could do was dab the surface with a disinfectant wipe and cover the wound with a bacta patch. That would prevent things from getting worse before the doctors could see him.

 

From the way he'd been carrying himself she guessed he likely had some fractured ribs, as well, and those she could tend to. She ran the bone stabilizer over all his ribs, just to be sure.

 

In the end, however, it was his fall that worried her most. He had to be concussed – she couldn't believe otherwise. And if there was spinal damage... The bone stabilizer still had a little charge left, but she feared that rolling him to his side to use it on his spine might do more harm than good. She sat pondering the dilemma for several minutes before finally setting the bone stabilizer aside.

 

“Is he... will he be okay?”

 

She turned to see Bodhi peering down from the cockpit. He was starting to show fatigue from the mission. Like she must be.

 

“He will be, if we have no delays on the way to Yavin.”

 

Bodhi nodded. “I'm taking a longer route – to be safe – but we have just enough fuel. We'll be there in a few hours.”

 

“Okay.” She sighed, letting her shoulders slump.

 

“It seems so – so much bigger. Without all of us. Y'know?” Bodhi said.

 

Suddenly Jyn felt her throat closing up, and tears welling in her eyes. She hadn't let herself think about it. She hadn't wanted to think about. “From nearly thirty to just five,” she replied.

 

“B-but we did it. We got the plans out. Right?” The edge of doubt in his voice was almost too much for her.

 

She looked away from him. She didn't want him to see her cry. “Yeah. We did.”

 

“Good.”

 

He must have sensed her need for quiet after that, because he went back up to his seat.

 

Jyn rubbed her tears away with the back of her hand. She should try to sleep. But she didn't want to leave Cassian untended.

 

After a moment of pondering, she slowly shifted her aching body toward his head. Settling against the wall behind him and crossing her legs, she carefully lifted his head and scooted herself into place to cradle his head on her lap.

 

She leaned back, absently combing her fingers through his hair. “You're going to keep your promise, Captain. I'll see to it,” she whispered to herself.

 

“Yes, you will.”

 

Jyn blinked at the sudden words. Who was there?

 

“The Force brought you and the captain together, and it's not ready for you to part. You did good, Little Sister.”

 

With wide eyes, she surveyed the cargo hold. “Chirrut?” That had been his voice, hadn't it? But the only other person present was the catatonic young soldier against the other wall. The blind Guardian was nowhere to be seen.

 

She squeezed her eyes shut. It must be the exhaustion and grief getting to her. That had to be it.

 

Even so, that didn't explain why her kyber crystal felt so warm against her chest.

 

~ ~ ~

 

_The world was rolling toward them in a wave of flame, and he was clinging to her. He was ready to die._

 

“ _We have to jump.”_

 

_No. He'd finished his fight. He'd found peace. He was ready to die._

 

“ _Together or not at all, remember?”_

 

_He was ready to die. But he wasn't ready to let her die with him. She deserved a chance to live – a chance at something better than the galaxy had ever given her before this mission._

 

_He had no choice._

 

_They jumped._

 

_So much pain. Too much. He was ready to die._

 

_And then he was falling – his body striking beams before crashing to a platform._

 

_Jyn._

 

_Where was Jyn?_

 

_He had to climb. Every movement agony. But she needed him. Had to keep going._

 

_Jyn._

 

_The mission didn't seem to matter anymore. She was what mattered. He couldn't let her die._

 

_And then he was in her arms. She was holding him. He could feel her fingers running through his hair – caressing his cheek._

 

_Nothing had ever felt so wonderful._

 

_So this was peace. He could die in peace. He was ready to die._

 

_But he didn't die._

 

_He was falling again – his body being smashed and battered against the harsh edges of the Citadel._

 

_And then he was climbing, every muscle on fire with pain._

 

_And then falling – crashing._

 

_Where was Jyn?_

 

_Was she falling, too? He couldn't let her die._

 

_Jyn! Jyn!_

 

“Shhh.... I'm right here. I haven't left you. I'm still right here.”

 

Her hands in his hair again. Where was he?

 

He wasn't falling anymore. There was a hard floor beneath his body, but his head rested on something soft and warm. Her hands were in his hair.

 

Was his head in her lap?

 

He struggled to open his eyes. “Jyn?” Her name came out as a hard croak. He didn't recognize his own voice.

 

Why was he still alive?

 

“We just landed. We'll get you to the medbay. You're going to be alright.”

 

The jump. They'd jumped onto a shuttle. They'd escaped?

 

He managed to crack his eyes, but the light was too harsh. He had to close them again.

 

“Don't move,” she said softly. “I don't want you to hurt yourself even worse.”

 

The sound of stomping boots approached. Too loud. His head pounded.

 

“So you managed to survive, then,” a too-familiar voice intoned sharply. “You have a lot to answer for, Erso. Do you have any idea how many ships we lost? How many troops?”

 

“It was worth it,” she barked back.

 

Cassian tried to open his mouth again. She couldn't talk to Draven like that. He'd find a way to get back at her...

 

“Shh... lay still,” she said, her voice softening, again, her fingers once more stroking his hair.

 

She spoke again, her tone commanding. “Give us all the reprimands you want, later. After we're taken to a medbay. Captain Andor has cracked ribs, a blaster wound, a concussion, probable internal injuries and possible spinal injuries. Up in the cockpit Corporal Rostok nearly bled out from a shrapnel wound and multiple blaster hits. And that one over there is suffering from battle-shock. We need stretchers and medical treatment immediately. Or shall I seek out Mon Mothma and see if _she'll_ be more accommodating?”

 

She couldn't threaten Draven like that. It was a mistake...

 

“You'll have your stretchers and your medbay,” Draven snarled. “But I'm not finished with you. We'll be having words soon enough.”

 

Boots walking away. Orders being called from a distance. Had Jyn actually succeeded?

 

Her hands were still in his hair. Still stroking him.

 

His mind was fuzzy. He couldn't think. He couldn't think....

 

He startled back to wakefulness at the sound of more boots approaching.

 

Hands were gripping him – moving him. Pain.

 

“Be gentle with him!”

 

The pain got worse. It was too much.

 

And he was falling again.

 

_Falling, and climbing._

_Over and over. Endlessly._

 

_Falling, and climbing._

 

_He couldn't seem to die._

 

Tbc

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian is surprised by the seriousness of his injuries, and equally surprised by Jyn's eagerness to stand by him during his course of treatment. The survivors have an unpleasant confrontation with General Draven.

“Revolution is comin'. The Have-nots are gonna win this...Chaos and bloodshed already haunt us... Look at the cost, 'n all that we've lost...”

- _Farmer Refuted_ , Lin Manuel Miranda's Hamilton

 

 

 

The dull ache from pretty much every part of his body was Cassian's first indication that he had, in fact, survived.

 

From the time they left the turbolift at the Citadel, all of his memories were a blur. He remembered labored running. He remembered Jyn's stubborn refusal to leave him behind and save herself. And then there was a jump, and pain. More pain than he'd ever felt before.

 

He was glad he didn't remember much after that.

 

He took a deep breath, wincing slightly at a sharp pain in his right side. The scent of antiseptic cleansers and bacta washed over him. He felt a pillow beneath his head.

 

A medbay. They'd made it back to Yavin.

 

What about Jyn? Was she here? Had she been injured?

 

He tried to open his dry mouth, and coughed a little to clear his throat. Slowly, blinking against the light, he opened his eyes. “Jyn?” His voice came out as a harsh croak.

 

“I'm here. I'm right here.” Her answer came immediately, and he strained against stiff muscles to turn his head.

 

There she was, sitting in a chair right beside his bed. She was clothed in some sort of baggy gray pajamas, her hair hung loose around her face, and a greenish bruise sprawled across most of her left cheek down to her jawline.

 

She looked beautiful.

 

The sense of peace that he'd felt for those few precious minutes in the turbolift returned to him.

 

She'd sent the message. Someone in the Rebel fleet had received it. And now they were here, and she was okay. At least he thought...

 

“Are you hurt?” he managed to rasp with his dry throat.

 

She smiled and reached out to rest her hand on his.

 

In that moment, he realized that he was glad to be alive.

 

“Nothing serious,” she replied. “Some cuts and bruises – probably picked up a couple of new scars. Plus every muscle in my body feels like it's been pulled and twisted like Corellian taffy.” She let out a tiny laugh. “But I'll bounce back just fine.”

 

He smiled back. She deserved every chance in the galaxy to laugh.

 

“Good,” he whispered. “Good.”

 

“What about you?” she asked, her eyes growing serious with concern. “They popped you into a bacta tank a few minutes after we got here, and only pulled you back out a half-hour ago. How are you feeling?”

 

He had no memory of floating in bacta, nor did he miss it. He loathed the stuff. And even worse, he hated being trapped at the doctor's mercy, with no say in his own disposition. “How long?”

 

“About twelve hours,” she replied.

 

So long? His injuries must have been worse than he thought. He'd pushed through them because he had to. But the pain he felt toward the end – well, that must have been a sign that he'd finally pushed too hard.

 

“You sound so dry,” she said. “Would you like me to fetch some water?”

 

He managed a small nod. She stood and left for wherever it was in this place she could go to get him a drink, and he missed her immediately.

 

He tried not to think about what that meant. Instead he started testing the various parts of his body. Head and neck seemed stable. Arms ached like they wanted to fall off, but they both still moved, as did his hands and fingers. His legs...

 

Jyn returned with a small cup with a straw in it. “Here we are,” she announced with a smile.

 

This time Cassian couldn't smile back. “Jyn –” he said, “I can't feel my legs.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

The next few minutes were a blur for Jyn as she stammered something barely coherent and rushed to fetch a doctor. Then she stood back and watched as the doctor and a nurse poked and prodded at Cassian's legs and feet with frowns on their faces while the look of tightly controlled panic in his eyes intensified.

 

Finally, the doctor spoke. “We could tell when you arrived that you had some vertebral fractures, but we'd hoped there was no serious spinal chord damage. The good news is that your time in bacta will have halted any nerve degradation, and once we get a thorough set of scans we can implement a course of treatment for nerve regeneration immediately.”

 

“Do the damn scans, then,” Cassian snarled.

 

“Yes, Captain,” she replied, far too casually for Jyn's tastes. She clenched her fists at her sides as the nurse activated the float capabilities of Cassian's bed, retracted the legs, and detached it from the wall.

 

As they pushed the float-bed toward the nearby scanning room, Jyn fell in behind them. But when they pushed Cassian inside, the doctor turned and held up her hand to halt Jyn. “You'll have to wait outside.”

 

“But...”

 

“No non-medical personnel allowed. We'll be less than half an hour. You can manage that long without him, can't you?” She arched an eyebrow at Jyn.

 

What exactly was she implying? Jyn folded her arms across her chest and frowned. “I'll be here when you get out.”

 

The doctor nodded sharply and followed the bed into the scanning room.

 

Jyn stood staring at that door for several minutes, shifting her weight from foot to foot. She needed something more to do with herself.

 

She turned away and began a stiff-muscled circuit of the general ward. There was a collection of several dozen beds in the ward, and all could be cordoned off into small curtained alcoves if desired. A wide arch on one wall opened into a room devoted to a row of eight upright bacta tanks.

 

Jyn drifted into the room and stopped in front of the tank where Rostok floated. They'd put him in his tank even faster than they had Cassian. After they'd both been tanked, Jyn had submitted to having her cuts and scrapes treated. The doctors found several minor metal splinters lodged in her legs and side, and had removed a pea-sized bit of shrapnel from her outer thigh. They'd expressed amazement that she'd been able to rest in the shuttle on the way home with all the pain she must have been in. But, to be honest, between the the muscle aches from her excruciating climb and the worry about Cassian, she'd hardly noticed the pain.

 

They'd let her shower after that. And then she'd slept. A deeper, less troubled sleep than she'd experienced in years.

 

About seven hours later she woke to find Bodhi still awake, wandering the medbay and mumbling to himself while the nurses periodically tried to convince him to lay down and take a sedative. Jyn had immediately felt guilty about sleeping while he was in such a state. She'd managed to bring him out of whatever dark mental place he'd gone to, and finally got him to lay down and take the sedatives. Before he finally fell asleep he told her about Rostok.

 

While she'd been peacefully sleeping, the doctors had de-tanked Rostok, concluded that his leg couldn't be saved, and promptly conducted an amputation before popping him back in the bacta. Bodhi had watched the whole thing.

 

A dark, gnawing guilt bit into her gut as she stared at the stump of Rostok's left leg. She'd learned long ago that while a tourniquet could save a life, it could also kill a limb. She should have tried to remove the shrapnel and suture the wound. Then she could have removed the tourniquet without killing him.

 

She'd been so tired and distracted. But that was no excuse.

 

This was her fault. He'd lost his leg because of her. And now Cassian...

 

If he could never walk again, that would be her fault, too. It was that last leap to the shuttle – it had been too much for his already injured spine. The blast wave hadn't been too close. She could have taken a little longer to help boost Cassian onto the ramp before leaping up herself.

 

There was so much she should have done differently.

 

After another minute of watching Rostok float, she wandered back out into the ward. There were a handful of injured from the fleet, but there weren't many. Either the ships had gotten away with minor damage and few casualties, or they hadn't gotten away at all.

 

In a sense, that was her fault, too. Though she blamed the spineless Council more than herself on this one – if they'd offered the support for a full-scale mission, everything would have gone so differently. Yes. They were the ones to bear the burden of guilt for the fleet.

 

But Rostok and Cassian? They were on Jyn.

 

The young soldier they'd rescued from Scarif was sleeping in one of the beds. Jyn flagged down a passing nurse. “When we got him off Scarif, none of us could remember his name,” she said. “Do you know it?”

 

The nurse nodded. “Private Tehma Yavi. He only completed basic training four months ago. I'm surprised he volunteered for a mission as dangerous as yours.”

 

Jyn nibbled at her bottom lip as she stared at the boy. Why had he volunteered? And why hadn't she noticed him? The team was supposed to be nothing but hardened veterans, but she'd been too caught up in the rush of it all to notice this boy slipping in among their ranks.

 

That was on her, too.

 

She heard a door opening across the bay and hurried over, wincing at her muscle aches. A nurse was pushing Cassian's bed back to his alcove and clicking it back into its wall socket. Cassian lay staring at the ceiling, a worried frown on his face.

 

“What did the scans tell you?” Jyn addressed Cassian and the nurse at the same time.

 

“Nothing, yet,” the nurse responded. “Doctor Garra is still examining the results. We'll be back to review them in just a few minutes.” The nurse nodded and headed back to the scanning room.

 

Jyn perched herself on the edge of Cassian's bed and took his hand. When he squeezed and hung on tightly, she knew it was the right thing to do.

 

Mentally floundering for a way to keep him distracted from his worry, she finally settled on sharing news. “Five of us made it off Scarif.”

 

“Five? Who made it, besides the two of us?”

 

Good. It was working. Jyn smiled. “Bodhi made it. He got a little singed around the edges by a grenade blast, but he made it. He flew us out of there. The other two are Corporal Rostok and Private Tehma Yavi.”

 

Cassian gave a slight nod. “Rostok is good soldier – special forces. He stayed to help defend the shuttle. Not a huge surprise he made it.”

 

“He's in a bacta tank. He lost a leg.” Jyn managed to control her voice, instead of letting it waver with guilt.

 

Cassian's eyes drifted away from hers again and he blinked at the ceiling a few times. “That won't be easy. Replacement legs are pretty good, these days. But he might not be able to go back to special forces.”

 

Jyn nodded. He didn't need to know how bad it was, or that the leg had been taken above the knee. Those types of amputations were harder to fix with prosthetics. He could find that out later, once he didn't have his own troubles to worry about.

 

“Private Yavi...” Cassian said. “He was a mistake. I should never have let him come.”

 

“I'd wondered. The nurse told me he only got out of basic training a few months ago.”

 

Cassian grimaced. “I knew he was raw, but I didn't know he was _that_ raw. Damn it. I should have stopped him. How... how is he?”

 

Jyn sighed. “No serious physical injuries, but one of the worst cases of battle-shock I've seen in a long time. He didn't say a single word the whole flight back. Didn't even talk once we got here to the medbay. They've kept him sedated ever since.”

 

Cassian sighed and closed his eyes a moment, the tension lines on his face getting worse. “He's Jedhan. That's why he wanted to come. Most of his family was still on Jedha when the Death Star came. Yavi wanted vengeance. He joined the group at the last minute and I didn't want to take the time to put up a fight and stop him. But I should have.”

 

Jyn held his hand a little tighter, and rubbed the back of his hand and wrist with her other palm. She didn't have much experience comforting people, but this seemed to help him relax.

 

He glanced down at their joined hands, and managed a slight smile. “I'm glad he made it back, though. When I'm not out on special assignment for General Draven, I work in recruiting. I picked Yavi and his kid brother up myself, out on Kessel. Their parents had pulled together every credit they could to get their boys off-world, to start a life somewhere with less imperial presence. They were barely scraping by, and joining the Rebellion seemed like a better option than working the spice mines.” He sighed. “I have to track down the brother. He was good with his hands. I think they made him an apprentice mechanic somewhere.”

 

“I'll ask the nurse next time I get a chance. She might be able to help.” Jyn offered him a smile. He smiled back. That was a good sign.

 

“When I saw the Death Star above us, I didn't think any of us would make it off,” Cassian said softly. “Five is more than I could have hoped for.” He raised his eyes to hers and tightened his grip. “I'm glad you made it.”

 

Before Jyn could reply – before she could even begin to process the way his words (and that gaze) made her heart beat faster and her face feel warm – Dr. Garra came striding toward them, a medical droid following behind her.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian held his breath as the doctor approached. He didn't know any of the medical personnel. Though he'd gotten in a few bad scrapes back in his teens, he hadn't needed more than the occasional twenty minute visit to a medbay in years.

 

Even if he had known her, he doubted that would have made this moment any easier.

 

He didn't want to think about what would happen if the paralysis was permanent. He couldn't face that. Not as long as there was still a chance for something better.

 

Dr. Garra stopped at his bedside and smiled at him before looking up at Jyn. “The sergeant should wait back at her own bed...”

 

“No,” he said reflexively. “I want her to stay.”

 

It was a silly impulse. He didn't need a friend at his side to get him through this news. But he couldn't help it. He didn't want her to leave. He'd deal with whatever that meant later.

 

One thing at a time.

 

The doctor raised an eyebrow, but didn't fight it. “Very well, then, Captain. I've gone over all your scans, and I feel very optimistic. There is swelling around the spinal chord which we can reduce by draining excess fluid. That should allow some sensation to return to your lower extremities. There is a fair amount of nerve damage, but not so much that it can't be fixed. We'll have to begin a regimen of nerve regeneration that will last for several days before it's complete. But if all goes well, I expect you'll regain as much as ninety to ninety-five percent of your previous physical capabilities.

 

He let out a breath. “Good. That's good.” Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Jyn beaming. She really did shine like a star, sometimes. “What does the regimen entail?”

 

“Like I said,” replied Dr. Garra, “first I'll have to drain the excess fluid in your spinal column. I'll administer a local anesthetic first, to eliminate the pain, but it can still be an uncomfortable procedure. After that I want to begin the nerve regeneration treatments right away. Each treatment will consist of an injection of regenerative compounds into your spinal fluid, followed by electrode stimulation along the damaged section of your spinal chord. I want to begin right away.”

 

The process sounded little better than the kind of torture imperial interrogators were known to use. But if it would get him his legs back, he'd gladly endure it. “Alright. Lets do it.”

 

“Can I stay?” Jyn asked, sounding almost shy.

 

Dr. Garra squeezed her lips together and glanced back and forth between the two of them. Cassian felt certain she was making all sorts of assumptions that she shouldn't be making, but at the moment he couldn't bring himself to care.

 

“You can stay if Captain Andor wants you to,” the doctor said, more sympathy in her voice than he'd expected.

 

“I do.” He met Jyn's eyes, and felt his soul feeding on the warmth he saw there.

 

He'd wondered, at first, why so many men were willing to follow her into battle without hesitation. Now he realized he was the most entranced of them all. He still didn't fully understand how she'd done this to him – worked her way into his mind and his heart until he barely recognized himself. What's more, he was beginning to think he didn't want to go back to the way he was before Jyn. He wanted to be the man she'd transformed him into.

 

He wanted to make her proud.

 

~ ~ ~

 

After the doctor and nurse rolled Cassian onto his side, Jyn pulled a chair up in front of him and held his hand throughout the procedure.

 

She was glad she couldn't see what they were doing to his back. She caught glimpses of the medical droid extending various needles and tubes – all of which presumably ended up poking into Cassian's spine. It was enough to give her the shivers.

 

He winced a few times, but didn't complain, his face falling into the hard, blank mask he wore when he was intent on his work. She couldn't wait for the procedure to end so he could take the mask back off again.

 

After a few minutes of poking and prodding, Dr. Garra announced, “Okay. The excess fluid is out and I've injected the regenerative compound. I'm attaching the electrodes, now. It's only a five minute treatment. You'll probably feel some tingles, but there shouldn't be any pain. If there is, let me know right away.”

 

“I will,” Cassian murmured.

 

“Alright – this won't be any fun, but you'll get through just fine. I'm activating the electrodes on the count of three. One, two, three.”

 

Cassian clenched his teeth as the muscles in the lower half of his body began to twitch and quiver. He squeezed his eyes shut, and Jyn sandwiched both her hands around his, holding tight. “You're doing great,” she whispered. “Hang in there. Just a few more minutes.”

 

She continued to murmur soothing nonsense while he held himself as rigid as possible above the uncontrollably twitching muscles of his lower body.

 

At last the doctor said, “Just ten more seconds. Aaaaand... we're done.”

 

Cassian's twitching ceased immediately. “You were right,” he said in a strained voice. “That wasn't any fun.”

 

Dr. Garra patted his shoulder, and began to remove the electrodes. “You bore it as well as anyone I've ever seen. I'll leave you with a box of nutrient blend to drink – you need some food to give you the energy for all this healing. And then I expect you'll be needing a nap.”

 

“Yes,” Cassian admitted. “A nap would be good.”

 

Jyn helped get Cassian settled on his back again, and then the nurse propped his bed up enough for him to drink his little box of nutrient blend with a straw. His face fell back into his mask as he sipped on it. Must not taste very good.

 

“We'll repeat the treatment again in five hours,” said Dr. Garra, “and then give you another session in the bacta tank. We'll continue like this for another four days. Three spinal treatments a day, and one bacta session a day. After that we can back off and let your natural healing processes take over.”

 

Cassian didn't vocally complain, but Jyn didn't miss the slight pout on his face when the doctor said “four days.” And she couldn't blame him. Four more days of this would be – well – not unbearable, exactly, but certainly the last thing she'd wish on anyone she cared about.

 

She hoped they would let her stay with him. She wanted to be there to help him through his treatments.

 

A part of her brain wondered for a moment why that was, but she ignored it.

 

After he finished his liquid meal, Jyn helped lower his bed again. “Now try to get some sleep. Your body needs all the sleep it can get right now.”

 

“What about you? Have you had any food? Do you need to sleep?” He looked up at her with clear, unmasked concern that made her breath catch in her throat.

 

“I had a meal a bit before you woke up. I'm not hungry, yet.”

 

“What about sleep?” This time he reached out to take _her_ hand.

 

Jyn had learned to shy away from physical affection years ago – it only made her vulnerable to people who wanted to take advantage. But it was different with Cassian. First on Scarif, and now here, touching him – comforting him – holding him – felt like the most natural thing in the galaxy.

 

She shrugged. “I'm pretty sure I'm ready to sleep again, but I'll wait here for you to fall asleep, first.”

 

“Or – maybe you could...” His eyes glanced at the stretch of white bedding at his side. Not a lot of space, but just enough for her to slide in up against his body.

 

Jyn couldn't repress a teasing smile. “Captain Andor – did you just proposition me to sleep with you?”

 

“Perhaps.” He shrugged back and offered her a sleepy, happy smile. It was one of the most beautiful things she'd ever seen.

 

A warm thrill ran through her core. A little alarm in the back of her brain was blaring – warning her of danger. But that alarm had been built back when she was living with Saw and the Partisans. She didn't need it, here.

 

She eased herself down onto the bed beside him, letting him tuck his arm under her head as a pillow.

 

A little fire burned inside her at the feeling of his body next to hers. She was probably being a fool. She knew full well how easy it was to feel close to someone after surviving a difficult mission together – and how that closeness could lead to rash decisions that would soon be regretted. That was how she'd lost her virginity years ago, a few months before Saw abandoned her. Saw found out when the team medic told him that Jyn had come to her for an after-sex contraceptive pill. Saw had pulled Jyn into a private room and yelled at her for an hour about so foolishly compromising her body for a few minutes of pleasure, and the next time they were near a city large enough to have a hospital he dragged her in for a long-term contraceptive implant.

 

That first time hadn't been her last such mistake. There had been nearly a dozen since.

 

But this was different. _Cassian_ was different.

 

_Welcome home._

 

_I wish I'd had the chance to know you better._

 

Lying beside Cassians, looking into his eyes, Jyn felt like he'd truly kept the promise he'd made when he'd welcomed her home – the promise he'd repeated when he'd kissed her on that lift.

 

She wanted to make her own promise, in return.

 

“You told me, back on Scarif,” she whispered, “that you wished you could know me better. I think you've got your wish. And – I need you to know that I want to know you, too, Cassian Andor.”

 

His answering smile – full of vulnerability and wonder – made her heart melt and her belly burn with need.

 

She crossed the short distance between them, and kissed him.

 

His kiss on Scarif had been full of tenderness and regret. This one felt like hope.

 

Their mouths lingered against each other, exploring with slow eagerness. His arm cradled her gently while his other hand tangled in her hair. She slid her tongue into his mouth for a moment, and in return he sucked on her bottom lip, scraping it lightly with his teeth. She gasped, the fire in her belly growing hotter, and moved her lips over his faster – savoring every scrape of his stubble against her skin, every bump of his nose against her sore cheek, every eager intake of breath around their barely parted mouths before diving in for more. She ran her palms over his chest – his stomach. She wanted to feel every part of him.

 

After a minute of delicious sensation, Cassian slowly pulled back, breathing deep. He smiled at her as he caught his breath. “I don't think I have the stamina for this quite yet.” His voice danced with a levity she hadn't known him capable of.

 

“Hmmm... me neither, but you can't blame me for trying.”

 

He let out a nearly silent chuckle. The first laugh she'd heard from him. It made her grin so hard her bruised cheek ached.

 

He dragged his hand out of her hand and ran it down her arm before finally settling it on her hip. She ran her fingers over his cheek, up to his forehead, and smoothed the hair out of his face as she had so many times on the shuttle flight.

 

After a moment his smile faded, but his face remained soft and open. “Thank you, Jyn. Thank you for bringing me home.”

 

The fire in her belly settled into a comfortable smolder. It could wait. For now she was simply happy. That was enough.

 

“You're welcome.”

 

They held each other like that until she saw his eyes fall closed, and she felt his arms softening around her and his breath deepen with sleep.

 

She closed her own eyes and nestled her head more securely against his shoulder.

 

_Welcome home._

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi woke with a petite blonde nurse standing at his bedside, checking the readouts on the monitor above his head.

 

When she noticed him blinking up at her, she smiled. “Your vitals are looking strong, Mr. Rook. And your fractured ribs and burns are all healing nicely. I expect we'll be able to discharge you before the end of the day.”

 

Mr. Rook. He'd never been called Mr. Rook before in his life. He'd gone right from being addressed as “you boy!” or “little troublemaker” to being “Cadet Rook,” and, finally, “Ensign Rook.” He didn't like the sound of Mr. Rook. It didn't fit. It sounded like a name that belonged to someone else.

 

“Wh-where will I be discharged to? I've got no quarters. No assignment. Nothing. I – I'm not sure what comes next.” He'd done what Galen asked him to do and more. He'd never thought about what would come after. For a long time he hadn't really expected an after.

 

“I'm off duty soon,” replied the nurse. “If you like, I could make some inquiries for you?”

 

It had been so long since someone had been casually kind to him like this, he almost felt like crying. “Yes. Please. That would – that would be very good of you.”

 

“Alright.” She smiled. “I'm Ensign Veera Hoddan, by the way. If I find any answers for you, I'll get them to Dr. Garra before she discharges you.”

 

“Thank you,” Bodhi answered with sincerity, easing himself to a sitting position.

 

“Now,” added Nurse Hoddan, “you've finally gotten enough sleep. If you'd like you can have a shower and a meal.”

 

Bodhi nodded eagerly. He had no idea how long it had been since he'd had either of those luxuries. “Yes. Please.”

 

“Which first?”

 

“Shower. Definitely shower.”

 

Since his only clothes were currently stowed in a foul clump in a plastic bag and had yet to be laundered, the nurse provided him with a fresh pair of gray medical pajamas, a towel, and toiletries before leading him to the small washroom adjoining the medbay.

 

The warm shower felt like heaven, even here in the hot climate of Yavin. For nearly a week his body and mind had both been mired in dirt and muck and pain.

 

It was all finally over.

 

After dressing he made his way back to his bed to find a meal tray waiting. The food was bland and unremarkable – military ration protein accompanied by some sort of local fruit. But it was filling and the fruit was sweet and juicy. He hadn't been so happy since –

 

A memory rose unbidden in his mind, of sitting next to Galen, picking at the remains of a decadent cream pastry, Galen's arm around his shoulders, the view of Eadu's moon shining through Galen's window during a rare break in the storms.

 

Days had passed since his encounter with Bor Gullet, but he still struggled to focus on the present. The past kept wanting to rise up and swallow him.

 

He finished up his meal and took a restless stroll around the medbay.

 

Rostok was out of his tank now, sleeping. After all that blood – so, so much blood – Bodhi was still surprised every time he saw the man alive.

 

He'd stood in the shadows as Dr. Garra lifted a whirring laser saw and sliced away Rostok's leg as easily as cutting through butter. He didn't want to remember that, but he had trouble thinking of anything else when he looked at the emptiness under Rostok's blanket where his left leg ought to be.

 

Shaking his head and rocking on his heels, Bodhi turned away from Rostok. A few beds away slept the young man Baze had given him – like a gift offered up from a funeral pyre. There was a name on the boy's monitor, now. Private Tehma Yavi.

 

A fresh wave of dizzy memories overcame him.

 

The Yavis down the road ran a bakery. He and his sisters would scrounge for coins and go there after school to buy fresh sweet rolls on the way home. Madam Yavi would smile at him and wink as she drizzled a little extra glaze on his roll before handing it to him. He could smell those rolls even now...

 

He shook his head, bringing himself back to the present. A new nurse stood a few beds down, over a dark-skinned man with his entire right arm swathed in bandages.

 

“Uh – excuse – excuse me, ma'am.”

 

She glanced his way. “Yes? What can I do for you?”

 

“I – uh – helped get Private Yavi off of Scarif, but I don't really know him. Do you, uh, know if he comes from Jedha?”

 

He expected the answer before it came, but it still left him dizzy.

 

The nurse pushed a few buttons on a console, skimming the information. “His records say he was recruited on Kessel, but his planet of origin is listed as Jedha, yes.”

 

Bodhi nodded. “Okay. Okay. Thank you.”

 

So he wasn't the last Jedhan in the Rebellion. He hadn't even been the only Jedhan to survive Scarif.

 

It was comforting, somehow. To know his people were still out there. Objectively he already knew that many Jedhan's had emigrated to more hospitable planets. His sister Beera and his mum were on Coruscant, where Beera was studying at a science academy. But he didn't expect he'd ever see them again. And his big sister Noor – he didn't want to think about what had happened to Noor and her little boy Pabo. Pabo would have been two years old in a few weeks.

 

He felt tears rising in his eyes and blinked them back. He ought to let himself mourn. Mourning was supposed to be healthy, wasn't it? But mourning would open the doors of his mind to all the memories stirred up by Bor Gullet. That was too much for him, right now.

 

He'd have to mourn later.

 

Maybe when Yavi was better – when he was ready to talk again – maybe then they could mourn together.

 

He turned away from the boy and continued his slow circuit of the ward. He passed a bed with the curtains drawn up both sides, but still open at the end, and did a double take.

 

Cassian was asleep on the bed, the standard white blanket draped over him. And next to him, on top of the blanket, was Jyn. Cassian had one arm wrapped around her, and her head was snuggled up on his chest. Her arm was flung across Cassian's body, holding him close, and Cassian's free hand rested lightly on that arm, completing the embrace.

 

When had this happened? What step between their passionate argument after Eadu and this – this – whatever this was – had he missed?

 

Clearly something had passed between them that no one else knew about. Something meaningful enough for them to cling to each other in their sleep, even where any passerby could see them.

 

In that moment he found himself envying them.

 

Galen and his daughter were very different. But he could still see traces of Galen in Jyn's face.

 

Just a few weeks ago – a few weeks and an entire lifetime – it had been Bodhi lying beside Galen in his bed, just as Cassian now lay by Jyn.

 

It seemed unreal to think of it. Almost like a dream. But the memories bubbling up in his mind – the memories probed and torn to bits and pasted back together by Bor Gullet – they had been real. He and Galen had been real.

 

Until Galen had finally told him the truth about what they were doing with the kyber crystals. About the weapon he had built on the ashes of Bodhi's homeland.

 

That was when Bodhi learned the special kind of hatred that could only be felt for someone you also loved. And the kind of hatred you could feel for yourself.

 

After Galen's initial confession, Bodhi had vowed to never go near him again. His friends had warned him that falling for an older officer would bring him nothing but trouble. None of them could have imagined just how much.

 

After successfully avoiding Galen for two cargo runs to Eadu, Bodhi couldn't take it any more. He couldn't stand shuttling those crystals away from his home knowing full well what they were going to.

 

A planet-killer.

 

And, in his own small way, he'd been just as complicit in its construction as Galen had been. That was why, on the third run to Eadu after Galen's confession, Bodhi finally sought him out. He wanted to yell at him. He wanted to condemn Galen with every vicious turn of phrase he could think of. He'd wanted to condemn himself at the same time.

 

Instead, Galen asked him to carry the message.

 

The message that had led him into Bor Gullet's tentacles, and from there, had led to his home being the first target of the very weapon Galen had built. The very weapon that Galen had promised they could stop.

 

Staring down at Jyn and Cassian wrapped around each other, he still wasn't sure whether his hatred for Galen outweighed his love for him, or the the other way around.

 

Maybe he'd never really know.

 

The moment was broken by a parade of men entering the medbay. The one at the front was a general that Bodhi recognized from his debriefing. The others – they had the look of Military Police.

 

He had a very bad feeling about this.

 

The nurse came to attention in front them. “General Draven, sir. What can I do for you?”

 

“I'm here for Captain Andor.”

 

No – this was definitely not good.

 

“He's back in bed 23 B, but he's sleeping at the moment. Would you like me to wake him for you?”

 

“No, I'll wake him myself,” grumbled the general, stalking around the nurse, his four MPs trailing behind him.

 

Bodhi took a few stumbling steps back toward the curtained bed as the general and his man drew near. Draven met his eyes and scowled at him, but before he could say anything his gaze moved sharply to the sight of Cassian and Jyn.

 

His face flushed red, and Bodhi saw a seething anger in the man's eyes that made him want to turn tail and run.

 

“In all my years,” muttered Draven, “I never would have pegged Andor as a man who could have his brain so thoroughly muddled by a pretty woman.”

 

Bodhi frowned. “It's – It's not like that, sir.”

 

Draven's angry eyes turned on him, staring him down. “If I wanted your opinion, Rook, I'd ask for it. Now get out of the way.” Looking over his shoulder he said, “You two – open those curtains.”

 

Bodhi staggered out of the way as the MPs moved in to open the enclosure curtains and Draven strode to the foot of Cassian's bed. Jyn was already raising her head, blinking in confusion.

 

Draven raised his voice. “Time to wake up, Captain. I need to have a word with you.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian began to wake at the sound of tromping boots and murmuring voices, but he gasped fully awake, his eyes springing open suddenly, at the sound of General Draven's voice ordering him to wake up.

 

Jyn was still beside him, awkwardly sitting up from where she'd been curled against him.

 

Draven had seen them together.

 

This was far from optimal.

 

It had been a foolish impulse when he asked her to lie down with him. A lapse in judgment brought on by exhaustion and pain medications mixed with the euphoria of surviving. No matter how perfect it had felt at the time, it was still a mistake. Now they were both going to pay for it.

 

Cassian coughed and cleared his voice. “Yes sir. I'm awake, sir.”

 

Draven frowned down at him, and then raised his eyes to Jyn. “Step aside, Erso. I need to speak with my captain.”

 

Jyn dropped her feet to the floor and stood stiff, staring the general down. “Whatever you have to say to him, you can say to me as well.”

 

No. That was a mistake. She needed to learn how not to talk to Draven.

 

“Erso,” Draven drawled, sounding more exasperated than angry, “you will step away from this bed, or I will have my men remove you by force. Is that clear?”

 

Cassian squeezed a fist at his side. “Go on, Jyn. I need to report to my commanding officer.”

 

Jyn squeezed her lips together angrily, but nodded and moved away toward the center of the ward.

 

Cassian pressed the button on his bed to raise up his head area so he wouldn't be left talking to his commander from flat on his back. Draven moved up beside him, folding his arms across his chest and looking down at him with open annoyance. Two MPs stood behind him. That didn't bode well.

 

“Captain Andor present and ready to report, sir,” Cassian said, keeping his voice steady and calm. He didn't want Jyn to see how nervous he was.

 

Draven let out a long, slow sigh. “I never expected this of you, Andor.”

 

Cassian could understand. He'd never really expected such rash actions of himself, either. “I do not apologize for my actions, sir. Based on all the information available to me I believed the mission to Scarif to be critical to the survival of the Rebel Alliance. I stand by that belief, and I am prepared to accept the consequences of my actions.”

 

He'd always known that this could happen. He'd more than half expected it. He only wished Jyn didn't have to be here to see it.

 

Those brief, blissful few hours of peace and happiness that they'd shared were already at an end.

 

Draven lowered his voice and met Cassian's gaze. “You weren't the only one who believed in your mission. General Raddus led most of the fleet to Scarif to support you. Mon Mothma agreed with you. I, however, did not. And given the costly outcome of your operation, I feel vindicated in my opinions.”

 

“The Death Star was there, sir. The fleet saw first hand how deadly it is and why it must be destroyed at all costs. We did what we had to do to get those plans.” Cassian knew he shouldn't argue – shouldn't try to defend himself. But Jyn was watching. He wanted.... He didn't know what he wanted.

 

“I understand. And perhaps the loss of nearly half the fleet and the initiation of a galactic civil war would have been worth it if we actually _had_ the plans.”

 

Cassian's heart stopped cold in his chest. No. They'd sent the plans. They'd done what they set out to do. “Sir?”

 

“That's right,” replied Draven, his voice thick with reproach. “The ship that received your plans was destroyed in the fight. They managed to smuggle the plans onto a smaller yacht, Captain Antilles' Tantive IV. The last we heard from it, a Star Destroyer had succeeded in pursuing the Tantive IV to the Tatooine system, where the ship was captured, and all aboard either killed or captured.”

 

Cassian was falling again, and he didn't know when he would hit bottom.

 

After everything they'd done – after all the sacrifice – only to fail like _this_.

 

“There's – there's no chance they got the plans off before capture?” he stammered.

 

Draven's voice was low and tight. “There's a chance. Several escape pods were launched toward Tatooine before the Tantive was captured. And we've gotten word that the Empire has launched an intensive search of the planet for two missing droids. There's a chance that the plans were placed with the droids in a desperate attempt to preserve them.” He shook his head. “But the likelihood that we'll get our hands on those droids before the Empire does is infinitesimal.”

 

All the peace and hope that Cassian had felt a few hours earlier was gone – wiped away like it had been nothing but a holovid fantasy. Perhaps a fantasy was all it really had been – Cassian was never meant for a life of happiness. That wasn't the path that fate had handed him. It was never anything more than a dream.

 

He squared his shoulders and clenched his jaw.

 

“I understand, General. I accept primary responsibility for all mutinous actions undertaken by the mission known as Rogue One. I was responsible for recruiting men to the cause. I ordered the commandeering of supplies and weapons. I am prepared to face court martial for my actions. I only ask that you excuse Erso and Rook. They never made oaths of loyalty to the Rebellion. They can' t be held to the same standard. And I beg leniency for Private Yavi, as well. He's Jedhan. In his youth and inexperience he allowed grief for his family's death to drive him to join the mission, and he is suffering great mental distress as a result. When considering his punishment I ask that you take that into account.”

 

Draven nodded. “I'll consider your requests.”

 

“So that's it, then?” Jyn's voice broke into their conference.

 

Cassian closed his eyes and clenched his jaw, pain like a knife twisting in his heart. _Please don't provoke him, Jyn. Please._

 

Draven slowly rounded to look at her, his face made out of stone.

 

Jyn, on the other hand, was burning with the _need_ and conviction that had swayed Cassian to trust her in the first place.

 

“How many of your best agents have you sent to Tatooine to look for those droids?” she demanded. “Did you send any at all? Or did you just throw your hands in the air and give up? After all we sacrificed. After all we suffered!”

 

“The entire Rebellion suffered for your mad dream, Erso. I'll waste no more of my men chasing this phantom weakness that your collaborator father supposedly built into the Death Star. I'll waste no more men for the sake of your word.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn felt as if her head was about to explode at the sheer stubborn obstinance of the general. How dare he. How dare he!

 

She stalked toward him. “None of those lives were wasted,” she said, fighting to restrain her tone. It wasn't easy. “Those plans are there on Tatooine. All you need is the guts to go find them.”

 

Draven flushed, looking ready to hit her. He wouldn't be the first man who'd resorted to striking her when he had no other defense. But he held it in, repressing his emotions under the same kind of mask that Cassian wore so often. “I don't need to answer to you.” He turned his back on her.

 

She felt ready to launch herself at him when she felt Bodhi's hand gripping her upper arm, holding her back. “Don't,” he whispered. “Don't make things worse.”

 

She squeezed her mouth shut, fighting against the rage swelling inside of her. It appeared that making things worse was all she'd accomplished since they first snatched her from Wobani.

 

“You don't really believe that.”

 

She blinked and looked around, searching for the source of that voice.

 

But her search was cut short by Draven calling for Dr. Garra. The doctor strode up to them. “Sir?”

 

“Do whatever you need to in order to keep Andor, Rostok and Yavi alive with their minds fully functional. I am ordering you to cease any and all medical treatment beyond that basis.”

 

Bodhi's grip was all that kept Jyn from flying toward the man.

 

“But sir!” Garra exclaimed. “Captain Andor and Corporal Rostok both require frequent treatments for their conditions. I cannot neglect my duty toward my patients.”

 

“Will they survive without those frequent treatments?” Draven asked, his voice as calm as if he were asking if the mess hall had a fresh pot of caf on hand.

 

“Yes, but...”

 

“Then they can do without,” Draven concluded, cutting the doctor off.

 

“No!” Jyn shouted at him. “Without those treatments there's a good chance neither of them will ever walk again.”

 

Draven slowly spun to look down on her, his face as cold as ice. “Given the usual sentence handed down for mutiny, neither of them will ever _need_ to walk again.”

 

The words hit her like a hammer to the chest. She couldn't breathe. She knew what Saw had done on the few occasions when his people turned against him or went rogue. Was the rest of the Rebellion equally cruel?

 

After all she'd done to save Cassian, would she still have to watch him die?

 

Draven looked back to Dr. Garra. “We don't waste costly medical supplies on mutineers. Not when plenty of loyal soldiers will soon be needing them. Is that clear, doctor.”

 

The doctor looked furious, but her reply was calm. “Perfectly clear, sir.”

 

“Good. The survivors of Rogue One are all under arrest. I'm assigning a rotating shift of MPs to the medbay to keep them under guard. My men will stay as unobtrusive as possible.”

 

“Yes sir,” Garra said quietly.

 

Bodhi's grip had loosened, and Jyn took the chance to yank herself free and stride toward Draven. One of the MPs immediately drew his blaster and aimed it at her.

 

Jyn halted, fuming. Draven only raised an eyebrow.

 

“This won't last, sister. Be patient. All will be as the Force wills it.”

 

Jyn's eyes went wide as she looked at a bed just beyond where Draven stood. Chirrut Imwe sat perched there, smiling at her. Only he wasn't the Chirrut she remembered. His color had all been washed out, and he looked almost transparent. Was she seeing and hearing a ghost?

 

“Trust me,” Chirrut said. “And trust in the Force.”

 

Jyn swallowed her fear and looked back up at Draven. “The Force will guide those plans back into Rebel hands. And when it does, I will see to it that you pay for this decision.”

 

“Trust in an ancient religion all you want,” Draven replied. “I trust in cold, hard reality. And right now that reality is against us. I need to figure out how to clean up the mess your team left behind. Now, you and Rook can choose – do you wish to remain confined here in the medbay with your co-conspirators, or would you rather be transferred to a cell?”

 

Jyn clenched her teeth and backed away.

 

“I thought as much.” Draven walked to the exit and nodded to the MPs. “Take your posts. Carry on, doctor.”

 

Jyn swallowed rising bile once Draven was gone. This couldn't be happening. The plans lost – her friends arrested - Cassian condemned to his paralysis.

 

In desperation, she glanced back toward the bed where Chirrut's specter had been. Naturally, the bed was empty.

 

On top of everything, was she losing her mind?

 

She turned around to face her friends. Bodhi looked broken and lost. And Cassian – his face had settled back into his blank mask, concealing everything he really felt and believed from the rest of the galaxy.

 

Taking small, tentative steps, she made her way to his side. “Cassian...” Her voice shook, and she fought back tears. “I'm so sorry.”

 

He wouldn't meet her gaze. “Doesn't matter,” he said stiffly. “I knew this was a possibility when I took on the mission. I'm ready to accept it.”

 

She wanted to throw something. To hit someone. Anything but standing here helpless and afraid. “Is this why you wanted to die on Scarif?” She didn't know where those words came from. Hadn't even thought before they came out of her mouth.

 

At last he met her eyes. “I didn't want to die.”

 

“Didn't you?” She demanded. “It would have been so much easier. You'd have been a martyr for a cause instead of a prisoner trapped in a medbay bed. That's what you wanted, wasn't it? That's why you asked me to leave you behind.”

 

“You don't know what you're talking about,” he snapped, his eyes flashing with anger. Good. Any emotion was better than that blank mask.

 

She shook her head. “This isn't over, Cassian. I'm not going to let it end like this. We're going to fight it.”

 

“How?” He was losing his composure – the mask he fought so hard to maintain had slipped away entirely. He couldn't hide himself from her, even when he wanted to. “It's not like we can go to Tatooine ourselves. We have nothing – no one – to help us. We're trapped in this medbay. I can't even get out of this fucking bed. And yet you expect us to fight. How?” He growled the last few words, his helpless frustration bleeding through.

 

After seeing him ready to embrace happiness just a few hours ago, it hurt to see him like this. And she couldn't hold it against him. She'd feel the same way if she'd been all but condemned to either permanent disability, death, or both. She reached up to toy with the kyber crystal hanging over her heart. It was warm – warmer even than the stifling air of Yavin. She thought of Chirrut. Of the words she'd heard, first on the shuttle, and then a moment ago here in the medbay. “We can trust in the Force.”

 

“I've never had much faith in the Force,” Cassian said, his anger fading, leaving only the exhaustion and regret underneath.

 

“Neither have I,” Jyn replied. “But I think I'm starting to.”

 

Cassian looked away for a moment, and then looked between her and Bodhi. “I'll do what I can to protect both of you. Since neither of you technically swore oaths of loyalty to the Rebellion, you won't be subject to the same statues as the rest of us. Your punishment probably won't be any worse than being dropped off on the nearest inhabited planet they can find to dump you on. They'll probably even let you stay together.”

 

She squeezed her lips together. Instead of listening to her, Cassian seemed ready to accept the same dark realities that Draven had presented to them. Whatever happened to hope? Had his injury stolen it from him along with his ability to walk?

 

“Without any credits or valid identification documents?” Bodhi asked. “We won't stand a chance.”

 

“I have some secret accounts,” replied Cassian. “I can give you access to them before Draven's men track them down. And I can give you the names of some men who can help you forge new identities. Like I said – I'll do what I can to protect you.”

 

“No. We're not having this conversation.” Jyn shook her head. “It won't come to that. Draven is too busy dealing with the fallout of Scarif to convene a trial. And before he can, the plans will be back in Rebel hands and they'll be thanking us all for our service.”

 

“How – how can you have so much faith?” Bodhi asked, looking as lost as she'd ever seen him.

 

_Trust me. And trust in the Force._

 

Chirrut's voice echoed in her mind. It might not be real – but she wanted it to be. For now, that would have to be enough. “Because one of us has to,” she answered, her voice firm. “And it might as well be me.”

 

There was nothing more to say. They fell silent, and, after a few moments, Jyn drifted back to her bed.

 

The future was as uncertain as it ever had been, and all the promises she'd shared with Cassian seemed crumbled to ash. But she had to hold onto hope. It was all she had left.

 

 

Tbc

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to start leaving rationalizations for my Hamilton references here in the end notes for anyone who is interested. In this case, I used Hamilton's words of rebuke from Farmer Refuted because I see Jyn in this chapter as the fiery and devoted new face of the Rebellion, standing up to the more cynical old-timer, Draven. She still has faith and hope in victory, while he has resigned himself to hiding in the shadows.
> 
> I prefer updating mid-week rather than on weekends, so I'm going to try to update every Wednesday or Thursday (though life might lead to the occasional missed week).


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The medbay becomes a prison, but a helpful nurse makes things easier. Bodhi gets to know Rostok and Yavi. Jyn hatches some schemes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will take a little longer to finish, because I have less writing time this week. And a content warning: over the next few chapters Cassian will occasionally use an ableist slur in reference to himself. I don't like it, but it feels in character for where he is at mentally and emotionally right now. He will, eventually, get over it. In the meantime, sorry.

“Cuz when push comes to shove I will kill your friends and family to remind you of my love.”

- _You'll Be Back_ , Lin Manuel Miranda's Hamilton

 

 

 

Cassian didn't often indulge in fantasy – it seemed a pointless exercise. But as he lay trapped in his medbay bed, he let himself fantasize. He allowed himself – for a just a few minutes – to imagine that he could feel his legs again. That he could stand, and walk. That he could work with Jyn to take down the MPs guarding them, and that they could grab Bodhi and even Rostok and that poor kid, Yavi, and somehow get to the hanger. They'd take another shuttle, and fly as fast and as far as they could. They'd start over somewhere. Doing something. After getting Rostok to a hospital... and getting their hands on some credits...

 

And then his imagination ran out, and reality asserted itself.

 

He was trapped. Broken. Useless, except for the few bits of information he had to offer and a small hidden cache of credits that he could pass along to Jyn and Bodhi. That was all he had left to hope for – that at least _they_ might have a chance at something better.

 

He'd taken a risk, and he'd lost. This was the price.

 

He sighed, and opened his eyes from the sleep he'd been feigning for the past hour.

 

Jyn was still pacing like a caged animal, her fire burning as hot as ever, but with nowhere to aim it.

 

He tried not to think about what she'd felt like in his arms – her body warm against his side. He tried not to think about what it felt like to kiss her. And he especially tried not to think about the tantalizing prospect of a happy future that she'd offered him.

 

So of course it was hard to think about anything else.

 

He'd had a couple of brief romances when he was in his teens. Neither lasted long – apparently he hadn't been good at making his girlfriends feel important or at emotionally connecting with them. That had been something of a pattern in his life.

 

After getting more seriously involved in black ops and long-term undercover missions, he gave up on romance altogether. (He used seduction as a tactic in his information gathering only once, and felt so dirty from it that he never attempted it again.) The scant handful of encounters he'd had since then had been purely physical, lasting no more than a few hours.

 

This thing with Jyn – it was unlike anything he'd experienced before.

 

His life had changed more than he ever could have imagined since meeting Jyn. From the moment she'd boarded his ship for the flight to Jedha, she'd begun to affect him.

 

Even if he'd come back whole and their mission had been a success, he couldn't have gone back to the black ops and spying he'd done for Draven. That work had worn him down and burned him out to the point of wanting to quit even before he met Jyn, but she'd cemented the notion in his mind. He was done hiding in the darkness. He wanted to fight with honor. He wanted to do things he could be proud of. Like she did.

 

Sometimes he still thought of that moment in Jedha when she risked her life to protect a child. He wasn't sure if he'd ever been the kind of person to make a sacrifice like that simply because if felt _right_. Yet, even after all the betrayal and loss Jyn had experienced in her life, she still had that goodness – that selflessness – inside of her.

 

What had she seen in _him_ to make her care? To make her think he was a man worth protecting? Especially after what happened to her father.

 

Yet, she'd refused to leave him behind on Scarif. And then here in the medbay, she stood by him and held his hand when he was anxious and frightened.

 

No one had ever done anything like that for him before. Never.

 

If he'd been given the chance to live – the chance to to truly know her – he knew he could have loved her.

 

But men like him weren't given the privilege to fall in love.

 

Pushing her away was the right thing to do, before she got any more attached. She'd lost too much in her life already. He didn't want to become another loss for her to mourn. He wanted her to be able to let him go.

 

Though pain swelled in his chest at the thought of spurning her, his mind was made up. It was the right thing to do.

 

~ ~ ~

 

After her argument with Cassian had ended, one of the first things Jyn did was seek out Dr. Garra and ask how the delay (she insisted on calling it a delay rather than a termination) of treatment for Cassian's spine would affect his recovery.

 

She didn't like the answer.

 

“Every day that passes without treatment will lead to more nerve cell atrophy. If I was able to continue the prescribed course of treatment, he would almost certainly regain more than 90% of his functionality. If we have to wait one day, that number goes down. If we wait two days, the number drops even more. If treatment is postponed more than four days, we'll be lucky to get even minimal sensation back in his lower extremities, and movement will be out of the question. There are surgical options, but they aren't nearly as effective as nerve regeneration.”

 

Perceiving Jyn's frustration, Dr. Garra added, “Trust me, Miss Erso, am am livid. Nothing makes me angrier then when non-medical officers start giving me orders that impact the well-being of my patients. I don't intend to give up on overturning this order. I'm going to seek an audience with Senator Mothma as soon as my shift is over. She can override General Draven's orders.”

 

But Garra's shift didn't end for hours. Jyn would have to wait. And she wasn't feeling very patient.

 

After pacing restlessly for nearly an hour, the calm of the medbay was broken by a terrified scream.

 

Jyn, along with a nurse and Dr. Garra, rushed to the source of the cry: Private Yavi was finally awake.

 

Yavi sat upright, his eyes wide and staring, his breath coming in quick gasps. “Where am I? Where am I?”

 

Dr. Garra approached him first. “It's alright, Private. You're safe. You're in the medbay on Yavin 4. You're home.”

 

Yavi shook his head and ran his fingers through his short, dark hair. “I don't have a home,” he murmured.

 

“I know it feels that way right now,” said Garra. “You came back in a serious state of shock. It will take time to readjust. But we have medications that can make it easier.”

 

The boy shook his head. “I don't know. I don't know.”

 

Jyn stepped forward. “Private Yavi – do you remember me?”

 

He raised his eyes and nodded. “Yes, ma'am. Sergeant Erso. Do you... do you have orders for me?” He looked almost desperate for her guidance.

 

Jyn walked to the edge of his bed and nodded. “I do. I want you to listen to Dr. Garra. Take the medication she gives you. And if you do, we'll get you back to work in no time. That's what you want, isn't it?”

 

He nodded. “It is. I – I want to get back to the fight, ma'am.”

 

Jyn paused a moment, struck by his answer. What kind of place was the Rebellion to teach children that their only purpose in life was to fight? That's what it had done to Cassian. And, through Saw, that's what it had done to her. She took a breath. “We'll get you there. Listen to the doctor, and we'll get you there.”

 

“Yes ma'am.”

 

Jyn nodded and stepped back to let the doctor talk him through medications that would help ease his mind and get him back into focus.

 

Another child of the Rebellion, being used the only way the Rebellion knew how.

 

Jyn didn't have the heart to tell him about the arrest or the impending court martial. If all went well, he'd never have to know.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi had taken to wandering the medbay aimlessly, letting his mind drift through whatever memories felt like asserting themselves. It occurred to him that the doctors might have medications or therapies that could help eliminate this lingering side effect of his encounter with Bor Gullet, but it was hard to make himself feel as if he deserved it.

 

If he'd only trusted in Galen enough to hear him out after his first confession about the Death Star. They could have smuggled the message out a few weeks earlier, before the station's weapon was complete.

 

He'd probably have still ended up in Saw's prison – still suffered from the probing of Bor Gullet. But at least Jedha might still be there. Galen might still be alive. His friends might not be under arrest.

 

Everything would be different if he hadn't let his anger and shame get the best of him.

 

“Hey, pilot.”

 

He stopped at the unexpected call, and turned to see Rostok, now awake, his bed slightly propped to a reclined seating position.

 

He seemed to want to talk. “Hey. Hello. Corporal Rostok. Good to see you doing better.” Bodhi ambled toward him.

 

Rostok grunted. He didn't look very pleased. “I don't know I'd call this better.” He shook his head. “I can still feel the damn thing itching, y'know? Didn't expect that.” He looked down at where his missing leg ought to be.

 

“Oh. Oh.” Bodhi didn't know quite what to say to that.

 

“Never got your name,” said Rostok. “There was too much going on.”

 

“Oh. I'm... I'm Bodhi. Bodhi Rook. Used to be Ensign Rook, but I don't think that counts anymore.” He lowered himself to sit on the unoccupied bed next to Rostok.

 

“Don't suppose it would,” replied Rostok. “They gonna give you a commission?”

 

“I –” It took Bodhi a moment to process. “Oh. No one's told you.”

 

Rostok frowned. “I just woke up half an hour ago. What was I supposed to be told?”

 

Bodhi swallowed hard. He didn't want to have to be the one to share the bad news. But he couldn't back out of it now. Somehow he stuttered and stumbled his way through the story – the loss of the plans on Tatooine. The arrest. The orders from Draven to cease any but life-saving medical treatment.

 

Rostok's face flushed red as Bodhi spoke, and when he finished, Rostok blurted out. “Well fuck.”

 

Bodhi couldn't help but chuckle. “Yeah. That's about how I feel.”

 

Rostok shook his head. “I always knew those Intelligence folks were cold-hearted bastards, but I didn't know they were _this_ cold-hearted. Draven's not even looking for the plans?”

 

Bodhi shrugged. “Not that he'd admit to us.”

 

Rostok sank back on his pillows and stared up at the ceiling. “Fuck. This is not what I wanted to wake up to.”

 

“Yeah. We're all – all still in shock, I think. I didn't expect it to end this way.” How could anyone have expected it to end this way?

 

“You were the one who got the out the message from Erso's father, right? You're the defector?” Rostok asked.

 

Defector.

 

He'd been proud of that word, at first. Now it felt so – permanent. As if it were a destination, rather than part of a journey. “Yeah. That's me.”

 

“Huh.” Rostok eyed him. “How'd you get caught up in all this mess in the first place?”

 

“I was fucking Jyn's father.” The words came out before he realized he was saying them. He blinked, and opened his mouth, searching for a way to backpedal his vulgar confession.

 

Rostok started laughing. A big booming laugh of just the sort Bodhi would have expected from a man like him. He laughed until he clutched at the blaster-wound on his side and winced in pain. He grinned at Bodhi. “Shit – I've regretted some of my exes, but holy hell. At least none of them built the fucking Death Star.”

 

Hearing those words from someone other than his own mind hurt a little, but Rostok's tone wasn't mocking. Rather, the man seemed to be offering teasing sympathy. When Rostok laughed again, Bodhi managed to let out a small laugh with him. “Uh, yeah. Wasn't – wasn't the greatest judgment, was it?”

 

Rostok grinned and shook his head. “Don't worry. I won't hold it against you. You've come to your senses now. That's good enough for me.”

 

“Thanks.” Somehow, being able to laugh about it had made it hurt a little less.

 

Another memory – a not entirely bad one – floated to the surface of Bodhi's mind. Standing on the shuttle pad, talking to Galen, feigning a discussion over some technical aspect of the cargo, they'd said their final goodbyes.

 

“I don't want you to forget about me,” Galen said. “This mattered to me. You matter to me. But I'm a realist. I know this is over. I just... once this is all done, I want you to be happy. It would give me a great deal of comfort to think of you as happy.”

 

Bodhi's heart had ached at that one. He'd almost forgiven Galen in that moment. Almost asked him to come – to run away together.

 

But that was never an option. No one missed a low-ranking cargo pilot until it was far too late. They would have missed Galen immediately, and a faint hope would have turned into no hope.

 

Bodhi wasn't ready to be happy, yet. Maybe not for a long time. But this felt like the first step toward that destination.

 

“Does Erso know?” Rostok asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

Bodhi shook his head. “No. Hasn't come up.” There hadn't exactly been a moment during their tumultuous adventure when it would have made sense to mention his romantic history with her father. It still felt strange to think of them as related, except for those rare moments when one of her expressions looked far too familiar.

 

“Don't worry,” Rostok said. “Your secret is safe with me.”

 

Bodhi smiled. “I appreciate that.”

 

Across the medbay, Private Yavi sat up screaming.

 

Bodhi and Rostok watched as the doctor and Jyn rushed to the boy's side.

 

“Poor kid,” muttered Rostok. “Shouldn't of let him come, but he refused to be left behind. Kept ranting an' raving about how he needed to pay those Imperial sons-of-bitches back for killing his family.” Rostok glanced up to meet Bodhi's eyes. “He's from Jedha.”

 

“Yeah,” Bodhi looked down at his hands, remembering family dinner with his mother and sisters not long after his father died. The scent of simmering stew and freshly grilled flatbread filled his nose.

 

“Hey,” Rostok broke through to Bodhi's consciousness. “Are you Jedhan, too?”

 

Bodhi nodded. “Yeah. Yeah. I am.”

 

Rostok sighed, looking pained. “Fuck.”

 

They sat in silence after that, and somehow Rostok's crude sympathy made Bodhi feel more welcome than anything else had since they'd arrived.

 

A few minutes later, after Yavi calmed down, Jyn strode over to them, her eyes shining with purpose. “Hello, Corporal. Welcome back.”

 

Rostok grunted. “Our boy here filled me in on the shit pile we've waded into. Doesn't feel very welcome.”

 

Jyn folded her arms across her chest and shook her head, looking far more confident than she ought to under the circumstances. “Don't give up yet, gentlemen. I still have a feeling in my gut that those plans will turn up, and once they do Draven will have no support for charging any of us with anything.”

 

“You sound like you're expecting a fucking miracle to fall from the sky,” Rostok said.

 

“Maybe,” Jyn admitted. “But I'm also working on a plan. I don't know Rebel politics very well. If you wanted to make something happen behind General Draven's back, who would you get word to?”

 

Rostok raised an eyebrow. “Do I look like a fucking politician to you?”

 

“Humor me,” Jyn insisted.

 

“None of the other military folk will go around Draven,” Rostok murmured, furrowing his brow. “And most of the council are pansy-assed sissies. But Organa's a good sort.”

 

“Organa?” Jyn asked.

 

“Senator Bail Organa of Alderaan,” said Rostok. “He doesn't tuck tail and run like most of the other politicians. That man has a solid pair of balls. If you want a political run around behind Draven, he's probably your man. Don't think he's here, though. He only pops onto base once in a while. Spends most of his time back on Alderaan.”

 

Jyn looked thoughtful. Bodhi was beginning to recognize that as a dangerous thing.

 

“How long would it take to get from Alderaan to Tatooine?” Jyn asked.

 

Now Bodhi saw where she was going with this. “A couple of days, usually,” he said. “That won't be fast enough.”

 

“People say Organa has his own agents all over the galaxy,” Rostok said. “Like I said, a solid pair of balls on that one. Maybe he'll have someone in range of Tatooine that can be sent a coded message.”

 

“Now we just need to figure out how to get a message to Organa in the first place,” pondered Jyn.

 

“Doc Garra over there is Alderaanian,” said Rostok.

 

“Now is she?” Jyn smiled.

 

She looked just like her father.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn was up to something.

 

Cassian hadn't known her long, but in that short time he'd learned how to read her – more or less. After calming Yavi, she'd had a conversation with Bodhi and Rostok. Whatever she'd talked about, it had been enough to make Bodhi look even more nervous – quite an accomplishment, considering the state Bodhi had been in since Draven's visit.

 

Since then she'd been trailing around after Dr. Garra and the blonde nurse who'd helped with his spinal treatment. The doctor looked anxious, and the nurse had fire in her eyes – clearly she shared some of Jyn's temperament.

 

A few minutes later, Jyn strode toward him. She'd tied her hair back in her usual knot at the nape of her neck, and her cheeks flushed with excitement.

 

His heart beat a little faster at the sight of her like that. Still, he knew what he had to do. No matter what she said, he had to be dismissive and curt. He had to push her away, for her own good.

 

She tugged a stool up to his bedside and sat down with a smirk on her face. “I've some good news,” she said in conspiratorial tones.

 

“Jyn –” But she gave him no time to launch into his carefully planned brush off.

 

“I've convinced Dr. Garra to get a message through to Senator Organa of Alderaan. She has a cousin in the diplomatic corps. If Rostok's information is accurate, there's a good chance that Organa can have agents sent to Tatooine before the day is out.” Her smirk got bigger.

 

Cassian's mouth hung open, his dismissal still hanging on the tip of his tongue. That was – actually a very good plan.

 

“What, you didn't think I'd sit back and wait for The Force to do all the work, did you?” She arched an eyebrow. “You may not agree with my faith, but you didn't honestly think I'd be that complacent, did you?”

 

He had – though he shouldn't have. He pulled his wits together in time for a reply. “You're more likely to bring Draven's rebuke down on our doctor than you are to get those plans back.”

 

Her eyes briefly flashed with pain before quickly settling into a look of fiery determination. “You weren't this fatalistic before Scarif.”

 

She was still so full of life and light. He wanted to believe in her the way he'd believed in her after Jedha and Eadu. If, by some miracle, the plans were recovered by the Rebellion, he'd rejoice along with her. But in the meantime, someone had to be ready to protect them all from the more likely outcome. “We had solid evidence before Scarif. I could still walk, before Scarif.”

 

His words seemed only to increase her determination. “And you'll walk again, soon enough,” she stated. “Even as we speak, Veera's in the refresher setting up the droid and electrodes to give you another treatment.”

 

Once again she was standing by him – protecting him and caring for him – and he still couldn't fathom why. “Veera?”

 

Jyn rolled her eyes. “Nurse Hoddan. She was furious when she found out what Draven had ordered. I'm already putting Dr. Garra at risk by getting her to go behind Draven with this message to Alderaan. I didn't want to put a target on her back by dragging her into illicit medical treatments as well. But Veera was delighted to step in. I'll be taking you to her in another two minutes. I managed to distract the MPs while she was taking the droid in, and she'll be ready by then.”

 

“Jyn,” Cassian hissed, “you're only going to make things worse for yourself, and drag the nurse down with you. Draven will consider this theft of medical supplies. He won't hesitate to press charges.” She had to listen.

 

But he already knew she wouldn't.

 

She shook her head. “If you think I'm going to stand back and let you play the part of the self-sacrificing martyr, you're dead wrong. Now lets go.” She stood and activated the float function on his bed.

 

“Jyn!” he objected more forcefully. “I won't let you do this. I won't let Draven have any reason to hurt you.”

 

Somehow this drew a smile out of her. “Nice to know you still care.” She detached his bed from the wall and pushed it toward the refresher. The room had been fitted out with disabled soldiers in mind, and was large enough to accommodate the bed.

 

Cassian glanced around and saw one of the MPs watching them like a hawk. “Jyn – they'll report all of this back to Draven. He wants an excuse to lock you up. Please – don't give it to him. Please.” She didn't know what Draven was capable – how cold-hearted the man could be when it came to protecting rebel assets. Cassian wasn't worth her putting herself at risk like this.

 

“I already told you, I made sure they didn't notice Veera taking the droid in there. All they're going to report is that I took you in to give you a sponge bath. Draven probably already thinks we've been fucking – he'll be happy to have the confirmation.” She pushed the button to open the refresher, not even looking down at him.

 

“Jyn.” His throat felt strangled. Her plan had a sort of sick brilliance to it. That didn't make it any less embarrassing.

 

For years he'd been careful to control his emotions in front of everyone to ensure that his feelings couldn't be used against him. Now, ironically, the one time he'd made his feelings all too evident, those feelings were being used to _help_ him. It still might hurt Jyn at the same time.

 

But without these treatments he'd never heal.

 

He wanted to walk again. If there was any chance that Jyn was right, and the plans were on their way back, he wanted the chance to walk again. He wanted to be able to walk beside her.

 

Jyn pushed the bed all the way into the refresher and closed the door. The blonde nurse stood beside a medical droid, grinning at him.

 

“Ready for your treatment, Captain?”

 

Cassian sighed. “Yes. I am.”

 

After Jyn helped the nurse prop him on his side, she knelt down in front of him, taking his hand, just as she did during the first treatment. Cassian frowned. “You shouldn't stay. Go give the MPs something to pay attention to.”

 

“Bodhi's taking care of it.” Her response was so automatic she must have prepped for this objection.

 

Cassian clenched his teeth. He'd have to push harder. He tugged his hand out of her grasp. “I don't want you here. I can do this alone.”

 

Instead of looking hurt, Jyn looked sad. She lowered her voice to a whisper as the nurse worked behind him to prep his spine.

 

“We don't leave each other behind, remember? You didn't leave me on Jedha or Eadu or even on top of that damn tower. And I'm not leaving you behind, either – no matter how noble you want to be about it. If Draven puts you on trial, I'm standing right beside you. Together or not at all. Until our last chances are spent. I still mean it.” She reached out and rested her hand on top of his.

 

Cassian had never expected life to be fair, but the colossal unfairness of meeting her so near his almost inevitable death hurt far more than it should.

 

Jyn had been right when she accused him of wanting to die on Scarif. He'd thought they had no way out. He was happy to die at her side, with her arms around him.

 

He should be preparing himself to face the fate that the court martial would hand him – but Jyn made him want to live. He wanted _more_.

 

Was it wrong for him to want so much? Was he being selfish?

 

“Ready, Captain?” Nursa Hoddan asked.

 

Cassian held Jyn's gaze. Her smile wiped away any further objections he might have had. He took a deep breath, and shifted his hand to weave his fingers through hers. “I am.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn frowned at the way Cassian slumped in exhaustion, fresh lines of pain on his face, after his treatment ended. The anesthetic didn't appear to have worked as well, this time. But at least he got his second dose of nerve regeneration compound – even if it hurt, it would be worth it.

 

Veera eased him down to his back, and Jyn helped tuck the blanket back up around him.

 

“Ideally you'd be spending the next ten hours in bacta,” said Veera. “But unfortunately we'll have to turn to a sedative and a good long sleep, instead.”

 

Cassian nodded. “I understand. There's only so much you can do.”

 

Jyn pushed Cassian's bed back to his alcove, leaving Veera to sneak out a few minutes later. After slotting the bed back into place, Jyn sighed and smoothed Cassian's hair back from his face. She'd known immediately after Draven's visit that Cassian intended to distance himself. She'd seen it in his eyes and the set of his face. At least he'd finally given up on that nonsense.

 

How had she come to understand him so well after so little time together? Maybe The Force really had brought them together. Her heart hadn't opened to anyone so quickly since she was a little girl. Not like the way it had opened to Cassian. That had to mean something, didn't it?

 

She rested her hand on his cheek, and he placed his own hand on top, holding it there, leaning into her touch. “Thank you,” he murmured sleepily, the sedative already kicking in. “I... just... Thank you.”

 

“You're welcome,” she murmured back. “Now sleep. You'll feel better in the morning.” Maybe they'd even have word from Tatooine by then.

 

Though she wished she could lie down by his side again, Jyn was far too restless to manage it. Instead she eased away and dimmed the lights around his bed. “Sleep well.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi stayed with Rostok when Veera came to administer the injections that would keep the nerve endings at his stump active. She said it was the only way the leg would still be ready to accept a permanent prosthetic implant as soon as “Draven gets knocked off his high tower.” Her eyes gleamed as she spoke.

 

Bodhi wasn't surprised that Veera and Jyn were getting along – neither of them were willing to sit back and wait while other people made decisions for their lives. Unfortunately, letting other people make the choices for him had become something of an ingrained habit for Bodhi. Not even Scarif had been enough to overcome it.

 

Rostok grimaced after the injection. “Fuck. It feels like a swarm of flies is crawling up and down my fucking leg. Shit.”

 

“Sorry,” said Veera, patting his arm. “The sensation should die down in a few hours. But this is the only way to make sure you have a chance at normal walking again. You'll just have to put up with it.”

 

Rostok grunted. “Whatever you say, sweetheart.”

 

Veera put a hand on her hip and gave him an arch look. “That's ma'am to you, soldier.”

 

Rostok grinned up at her. “Yes ma'am.”

 

Veera went off to fetch dinner for all of them, and Jyn and Yavi drifted over to join them for the meal. None of them said much. They were all too keyed up. It had been a day and half since getting back from Scarif, yet their entire galaxy seemed upended, and Bodhi had no idea when it might right itself.

 

After dinner Veera insisted that each of them take a sedative and get a full night of sleep. “Dr. Nassan takes the night shift, and he's not nearly so friendly as Dr. Garra and myself. You'll all drive him mad and he'll sic the guards on you. It's far better you sleep,” she pronounced, handing each of them a pill.

 

Rostok took his gladly, and, after a little more prodding, so did the rest of them. Jyn headed back to the new bed she'd commandeered, next to Cassian (Bodhi still hadn't manged to piece together when the two of them had managed to become whatever it was they were), and Bodhi ambled back to his own bed, not knowing what else to do. He was more than a little surprised when Yavi followed him. The boy had said very little since waking up that afternoon. Rostok had been the one to break the news to him about their situation with Draven, and Yavi had been nearly silent ever since.

 

“Rook – you're from Jedha, right?” Yavi asked him as Bodhi lowered himself to perch on the edge of his bed.

 

Bodhi sighed. He wasn't ready for this conversation. But it seemed the timing wasn't up to him. “Yeah. I am. Haven't really lived there in eight years, though.”

 

Yavi sat down beside him, staring into space. “But you still had family there?”

 

Bodhi nodded. “Aunts. Uncles. Cousins. And... and my sister and her son.”

 

Yavi squeezed his lips together, a pained expression on his face. “My Mum and Dad were still there. My friends. My cousins. My parents saved up for years to get me and my brother off of Jedha. And less then two years later...” The boy shook his head. “I don't understand how... Its doesn't make any sense.”

 

“No,” Bodhi agreed. “It doesn't. That's why I tried to stop it – tried to get the message out in time. But I wasn't fast enough.” His chest grew tight, thinking about the last time he saw Noor. He'd lifted Pabo up to give him a hug goodbye, and the little boy had kissed him on the cheek.

 

He didn't want to cry. He didn't want to cry right now.

 

“At least you tried,” said Yavi. “That's why I came to Scarif. I wanted to try, too.”

 

Bodhi nodded, tight-lipped, still fighting back his tears. And this boy – so young. They were both too young to lose their home. “How – how old are you?” Bodhi asked.

 

Yavi looked down at his hands. “Eighteen last month.”

 

Bodhi winced. Even younger than he'd thought.

 

“Do you remember the Guardians who came with us?” Yavi asked quietly.

 

“Of course.” How could Bodhi possibly forget Imwe and Malbus? He could still see Malbus lifting Yavi onto the shuttle, and then backing away. Shaking his head. Mouthing the word, “Go.”

 

“I knew them, back on Jedha. Or at least I knew of them,” Yavi said.

 

Bodhi blinked in surprise.

 

“They probably didn't remember me. I was just another kid in the crowd. But, uh, I used to go to the Temple District and listen to Guardian Imwe preach. His stories and his sermons... they gave me hope for something better. He was in prison for disturbing the peace when my parents sent us away. I'm glad he got out in time to do something.”

 

“I never spent much time in the Temple District,” Bodhi said. “My mother wasn't a believer. Just my father. But he died in a mining accident when I was eight. She got a sum of credits as a settlement. Enough to put me and my sisters in an Imperial school. We stopped praying after that.”

 

“I never stopped praying. But it didn't do any good.” Yavi's voice dripped with bitterness. “Our home is still gone. My family is still gone.” He shook his head. “When I saw the Guardians, I thought it was a sign. I joined the mission to follow them. But it didn't mean anything. I just had to watch them die. They were all that was left of my home, and I watched them die.”

 

Bodhi wiped away the few tears that had managed to escape his eyes. “Nothing makes any sense any more. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking through a nightmare, and I don't know how to get out of it.” He hadn't intended to make this confession, but Yavi seemed to understand.

 

For the first time since sitting down beside him, Yavi glanced over to meet Bodhi's eyes. “Maybe we are in a nightmare,” he said, his voice just above a whisper. “I...” He paused, looking frightened, before continuing. “I still see them. The Guardians. They rode the shuttle back from Scarif with us. But it wasn't really them – they had no color, and I could see the things behind them, like they were transparent. And here they watched me while I slept. Even awake, I think I catch glimpses of them sometimes, watching me.”

 

Bodhi's breath caught in his throat. He remembered Chirrut's voice – Chirrut's warning, just before the grenade. “Do... do they say anything?”

 

Yavi dropped his eyes. “Sometimes they move their mouths, like they're trying to talk. But I can't hear them. Except...”

 

“Except what?” Bodhi watched the young man intently. Was this thing with the Guardians real? What was really happening to them?

 

“On the shuttle, right after we jumped to hyperspace.” Yavi took a deep breath. “I heard Guardian Imwe. He looked at me, and he said, you and Bodhi Rook are going to be the first sons of a new Jedha. And he said that when I was ready for his help, he would be here.” Yavi looked up again, confused and sorrowful all at once. “What does that mean?”

 

“I have no idea,” Bodhi replied truthfully.

 

They sat in silence, stewing in the confusion of their waking dreams for a few minutes before Bodhi spoke again. “Maybe we should sleep. Maybe it will all make more sense in the morning.”

 

Yavi sighed. “Okay.” He stood and nodded at Bodhi before wandering back to his own bed.

 

Bodhi lay down and stared up at the stone ceiling, knowing full well that a night of sleep wouldn't resolve any of these issues. But at least he wouldn't have to think about them for a few hours. For today, that would be enough.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn slept better than she'd expected, but was dissapointed after breakfast when Dr. Garra had no further news from Alderaan.

 

She paced restlessly until Veera finally found a moment for another secret treatment for Cassian in the refresher. She met Dr. Garra's eyes as she pushed Cassian's bed toward their secret rendezvous, but the doctor looked away quickly.

 

Once in the refresher, Jyn asked Veera, “Do you think Dr. Garra knows what we're doing?”

 

“Probably,” Veera admitted.

 

“She won't say anything,” Cassian said. “She approves, but she can't get involved. She needs to maintain deniability.”

 

Of course he understood. Jyn wondered how many times he'd turned a blind eye to little acts of insubordination during his time working for Draven. His willingness to defy orders and organize mutiny couldn't have come out of nowhere. She rather liked the thought of him silently and innocuously allowing people to defy Draven for years. Whether she was right or not, she decided to cling to that thought.

 

It was another rough treatment, and Cassian was ready to sleep again after.

 

Once he was comfortably situated, Veera pulled Jyn aside. “I know these treatments are helping, but I'm worried that without time in a bacta tank we might end up doing as much harm as good. This kind of therapy is designed to work in conjunction with bacta, and I'm afraid the nerve regeneration won't progress effectively without it. There could be abnormalities. I'm not sure how many more times we should do this.”

 

Jyn squeezed her fists and her sides and rocked on her heels, fighting to suppress a fresh wave of murderous rage toward Draven. “But without it he might not walk.”

 

“And with it, but no bacta, he might end up with heightened pain sensitivity or permanently spastic muscle movements.” Veera shook her head. “I don't know how to make this choice. I don't think we can. We'll have to let Cassian decide for himself, before offering another treatment.”

 

Jyn nodded, glaring at the nearest MP.

 

Veera rested a hand on Jyn's shoulder and squeezed. “Don't forget you've got a friend here, Jyn. You don't have to fight these battles alone.”

 

Jyn managed a smile. Veera had proven to be an extraordinary ally. She could have done with some friends like Veera, when she was younger. “Thank you. Really. And... has Dr. Garra had any luck getting to Senator Mothma, yet?”

 

Veera shook her head. “Not yet. Things have still been in chaos since Scarif.”

 

“If there's anything you can do...”

 

“I'll try,” replied Veera with a reassuring smile. And Jyn actually believed her.

 

She spent most of the rest of the day pacing and pestering the other inmates of the medbay. It wasn't like she had anything else to do.

 

When Cassian woke up in the middle of day and she came to give him his nutrient blend, he remarked, “You're making everyone nervous, you know.”

 

Jyn frowned. “How do you know? You've only talked to a few of us.”

 

“I can see it on their faces. It's like being trapped in a cage with a corellian sand panther. Any moment you might lose your patience and scratch someone.” He wore a teasing smile, but she knew he was mostly serious.

 

“I've never been good at waiting. Or staying still. I need something to happen,” she confessed. “I need to know that my efforts are having an effect. I don't want to be useless.”

 

“You're not useless to me.” He met her gaze, his expression heavy with meaning. She wanted time to figure out this thing between them. She wanted to get rid of those damn guards.

 

She nodded. “I'm glad to hear it. But you're asleep half the day. What am I supposed to do with the other half?”

 

“Stay out of trouble.”

 

She rolled her eyes. “I should have known you'd say that.”

 

After he was done with his blend, Veera came over to explain the risks of further treatment. Cassian's face fell back into his expressionless mask as he listened.

 

After Veera finished, he was silent for a moment. “It's worth the risk,” he finally answered, his eyes darting up to Jyn.

 

She nibbled on the inside of her bottom lip, trying to contain the thrill that ran through her at his look. It felt as if he'd been telling her with his eyes that she was the reason he wanted a chance to walk again. Maybe it was all in her head – even so, she relished every look he gave her. The part of her brain that was still Saw's daughter told her she was being foolish and naive to think anything between them could last. But the past week had taught her to stop listening to that voice.

 

Veera nodded. “Alright. I'll get the droid ready and head to the refresher. Jyn – you'll run interference?”

 

“Always,” Jyn replied.

 

She strode over to the MPs by the door. “Any chance you gentlemen can get a message to Senator Mothma, for me?”

 

One of the guards, a burly man with dark skin and hair, eyed her warily. “The guys from the last shift warned me about you.”

 

“Oh did they?” Jyn folded her arms across her chest.

 

“Yeah. They said you were a troublemaker.”

 

Jyn shrugged. “This is a rebellion. I thought being a troublemaker would be a valued quality, here.”

 

“Not for you it won't,” the man replied, attempting to stare her down.

 

Out of the corner of her eye she saw the other guard step away from the door and head into the medbay. “Hey – I was talking to both of you,” she called after him. Shit. He was headed right for the refresher.

 

She glared up at the guard she'd been talking to. “I'll be back.”

 

“Don't bother,” he snarled.

 

Jyn scowled at him and hurried after the other guard. But he moved too quickly. He had the door to the refresher open before she could stop him.

 

“Hey – shouldn't you knock first?” she called, but her efforts were pointless. The guard already stood frowning at Veera and the medical droid waiting inside.

 

“I can explain,” Veera started.

 

“Don't,” the guard said, looking more frustrated than angry. “If you don't say anything, I can pretend not to know what you've been up to. But I was here last time you pulled this stunt. I'm not an idiot.”

 

Time to try a more direct tactic. Jyn stepped up to him. “If you're not an idiot than you know exactly why we're doing what we're doing. Please – you can't let a fellow officer suffer when he hasn't even been tried, let alone convicted.”

 

The man, who sported close cropped light brown hair over a slightly freckled face, shook his head. “I don't like the general's orders any more than you do. I respect Captain Andor and what all of you tried to do. But orders are still orders.”

 

“Even if they're unjust? Even if they're wrong?” Jyn pressed harder. If he was sympathetic to their cause, maybe she could sway him. Or maybe he was just gathering information for Draven.

 

“That's not my call,” he bit back. “Look – you were ordered not use the medical supplies, so you can't use them. The general also gave us orders to stop any messages coming out from the survivors of Scarif. But...” He shifted his gaze to Veera. “He didn't leave any orders about stopping messages from medical personnel. If you want me to carry a message for you, I will as soon as my shift ends. But in the meantime, I can't permit any more of these secret procedures. Okay?”

 

Jyn and Veera locked eyes. Jyn nodded. This was the best they were going to get, for now, without getting Veera arrested.

 

“Yes, I'd very much like to send a message to Senator Mothma, Lieutenant...?” Veera said.

 

“Saggs,” he replied. “Lt. Saggs.”

 

Veera nodded. “Thank you, Lt. Saggs. I'll compose a message for you to convey as soon as I've reassigned this droid.”

 

“Okay. I'll be waiting. And don't... don't put me in a position where I'll have to arrest you. Please?”

 

“I won't,” Veera replied.

 

Good. One blaster dodged and another problem solved all in one go. But now Cassian's next treatment was delayed indefinitely.

 

Jyn gave him the news. He only let out a slow breath and nodded. “It was too good to last. Thank you for trying.”

 

That wasn't good enough for her. She wasn't going to let this paralysis become permanent – not as long as she still had a breath left in her body. “We'll work this out. Somehow.”

 

He smiled, but she could see the doubt in his eyes.

 

Veera got her message out with Saggs a few hours later, but the rest of the day was spent in restless pacing and fruitless pursuits. After dinner Veera pressed more sedatives on them all, and Jyn reluctantly took one. Sleeping was better than more of this uncertainty.

 

~ ~ ~

 

After breakfast, Cassian frowned as he watched Jyn continue to pace. The frustration inside of her was building up. Once she let it out, she'd explode like a volcano. And when she did, Cassian had no doubt that she'd give Draven enough ammunition to bring her down.

 

Her ongoing promise of thriving _together or not at all_ was a balm to his heart, but he struggled to fathom how it could work under these circumstances. With every passing hour, more of his nerves were degrading. His chances for a nearly-full recovery were already gone. He closed his eyes and dug his fingers into the mattress beneath him at the thought.

 

After the final treatment yesterday he'd regained a faint tingling in his legs, but he still couldn't feel light touch, and still had no movement.

 

He might be stuck like this for the rest of his life – however long that would be.

 

For the first time he let himself wonder what his life might be like if he ended up pardoned for his crimes. He'd be stuck in a float chair. He'd seen patients around base using them, from time to time, but only as a short-term solution while they were being treated to restore their full health.

 

There would be no place for him here. They'd give him some sort of pension and a false identity, and then send him away with a medical discharge.

 

Where would he go? What would he do? Would Jyn want to come with him?

 

He looked at her talking with her “friendly” MP, Saggs, and winced at his selfishness.

 

No. She was too full of life and fire to tether herself to a cripple. He wouldn't do that to her.

 

He'd have to find a way to convince her to let him go. Or maybe he'd have to leave without telling her. But that would be all-too-reminiscent of what Saw had done to her.

 

How could he do this? What kind of life would even be possible for him outside of the rebellion?

 

He could think of no satisfactory answers.

 

Jyn interrupted his self-pitying train of thought. “Hey,” she said, striding to his side, “Saggs says he got Veera's message into the hands of one of Senator Mothma's aides. Now we just have to wait and see if she'll listen.”

 

Cassian nodded. “Okay. I'm getting used to waiting. I think it's all we'll be doing for a long time.”

 

Jyn scowled. “And while we wait your condition will only get worse. Maybe I can strong-arm Saggs into the looking the other way –”

 

Cassian gripped her wrist and held her gaze. “No. Don't put yourself in a position where he'll be forced to report you to Draven. Don't risk yourself like that.”

 

Under his gaze, her hard exterior began to crumble. “I can't just stand back while this happens to you.”

 

The feeling in her voice shook him. He still didn't know what he'd done to earn this level of devotion. “Jyn – you've already saved me. In more ways than I can say. You've done enough.”

 

She shook her head. “I was the one who made you take that last jump to the shuttle. I could have gone slower. I could have found an easier way. This is my fault.” Her voice dwindled to low whimper.

 

Ah. Now he understood. It was guilt. That was why she was fighting so hard to help him.

 

He felt a momentary pang of disappointment, but brushed it aside. This would make things easier, in the long run. She felt guilty for failing to save her father and Saw, and she was transferring that guilt to blaming herself for his injury – fighting to save Cassian the way she hadn't been able to save the men she actually loved. Eventually she'd realize that was all there was to it. She'd be able to let him go.

 

He closed his eyes a moment, fighting back the swell of pain in his chest at the thought being set adrift, crippled and alone, to make a life for himself somewhere far from her.

 

He didn't want to be alone.

 

But he couldn't cling to his selfish fantasies. And now he knew how to pull away.

 

“None of this is your fault,” he said. “I chose everything that I did down on Scarif. You didn't force me to climb. You weren't the reason I fell. And you didn't force me to jump. I made those choices. This isn't your fault.”

 

She squeezed her lips together and shook her head. After a moment of quiet, she murmured, “You deserve better than this.”

 

He wished he could agree with her.

 

“You'll play it safe with Saggs. Promise me.”

 

She sighed. “I promise.”

 

She squeezed his hand once, and then slipped away to resume her pacing.

 

If only Jyn could see herself the way he saw her. She would realize that _she_ was the one who deserved better than this. He just had to make sure she lived to get it.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian was so determined to be quietly noble about things – Jyn wanted to scream.

 

He was the first person in more than a decade to truly see her – Jyn Erso, the good and the bad – and somehow he still cared about her. How could he expect her to give up on him? It was infuriating.

 

Jyn pestered Dr. Garra several times during the morning, but she had no news from her cousin on Alderaan. Nothing was happening.

 

By the time they'd finished lunch, Jyn was beginning to welcome the prospect of another conversation with her hallucination of Chirrut. At least that would be better than all this waiting.

 

An hour later, Dr. Garra came out of her small office with a troubled look on her face. Jyn strode up to her immediately. “Did you get a message?”

 

Garra nodded, and then tucked her graying hair behind her ears. “I just listened to a message from my cousin. I don't know what it means. He sounded... terrified. _We're too late._ _It's here._ That's all he said. Then the transmission cut off abruptly, as if some outside force had terminated it. I don't like this.” She shook her head.

 

“I don't like it, either,” Jyn said, her heart racing. _It's here._ He couldn't mean – the Empire would never – would they? “Maybe you should go to the command center and ask around. See if anyone's heard any reports from Alderaan.”

 

Garra nodded. “I think that's a good idea.”

 

Jyn watched her slip out, a nervous knot in her stomach. She paced for a few minutes, her mind racing. She couldn't keep this inside. She strode over to Cassian.

 

“What it is it?” he asked.

 

“I... Garra got a strange message from her cousin on Alderaan. I have a bad feeling in my gut that something is horribly wrong.”

 

“What kind of message?” he asked, his eyes narrowing.

 

Jyn shook her head.

 

“I'm sorry, little star.” Jyn looked up. Chirrut stood on the other side of Cassian's bed, across from her. “So much sudden pain, followed by a deafening silence. The Force itself aches from this blow. We didn't stop it in time.”

 

Jyn's mouth hung open as she stared at him. He slowly faded away before her eyes.

 

She'd thought seeing Chirrut again would be better than her restless boredom, but she was wrong. This was worse. So much worse.

 

“Jyn. Jyn!” Cassian looked at her, his eyes filled with worry. “What's wrong? Has something happened?”

 

Jyn swallowed a tight knot in her throat. “I'm not sure. But I – I think something's happened to Alderaan.”

 

His brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

 

“It's gone,” came a voice from the doorway.

 

They looked over to see Dr. Garra standing there, her face as white as a sheet, tears welling in her eyes. “Alderaan is gone.”

 

 

 

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my rather evil Hamilton quote this time had a duel meaning – both referring to the destruction of NiJedha and the loss of Bodhi's and Yavi's families and friends, and also to the destruction of Alderaan. I'm fudging the time line somewhat, since it's not entirely clear in the films. I think I have about 3 days between the battle of Scarif and the destruction of Alderaan, here. It's a bit fast, but could still make canonical sense. Oh - and I'm mediumsizedfountain on tumblr if you're interested, but warning: my blog is super multi-fandom, so I post a ton of random stuff.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The survivors feel guilt for their failures and then hold a wake for the fallen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd intended to write another long chapter, but I have a horrible cold so I split my chapter idea in two, so this week and next will both be shorter before returning to my usual long chapters.

 

> “And just like that, it's over. We tend to our wounded. We count our dead.”
> 
> - _Yorktown_ , Lin Manuel Miranda's Hamilton
> 
>  

 

Cassian felt the news like a blow to his diaphragm. He couldn't breath. He was drowning.

 

Alderaan – gone.

 

Senator Organa and his much needed troops and ships – gone.

 

The plans they'd fought so hard to obtain – gone.

 

But the Death Star – it had begun to fulfill its purpose. To destroy the Rebellion at any cost. Even at the cost of one of the most prosperous planets in the Core.

 

He struggled to fill his lungs before his head went too fuzzy. At last he managed a few labored breaths.

 

That was when he noticed Jyn. Her face had drained of all color. Tears filled her eyes. She looked as defeated as she had on that rain-soaked platform on Eadu, where she clung to the body of the father she'd regained and lost all in the same scant moments.

 

She wavered on her feet.

 

Without thought he reached out to grasp her arm. “Jyn.”

 

She turned her eyes toward him, still speechless with shock.

 

“Sit,” he said, tugging gently.

 

She nodded, and lowered herself to the edge of his bed. He wove his fingers through hers and held on tight.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi had been sitting by Rostok's bed, playing cards with Rostok and Yavi, making wagers with a small stash of sour gummy candies that Veera had given them. Bodhi was winning. He'd always been good at a gaming table.

 

It took him a few moments to process Dr. Garra's sudden, tearful announcement.

 

Alderaan gone? How could –

 

And then he remembered the way the crust of Jedha had lifted skyward like pulling a peel from a fruit. His home. His family. His people.

 

Now, Alderaan.

 

The Death Star.

 

They hadn't gotten the plans in time. They'd failed.

 

His cards falling one by one to the table was the only way he noticed how violently his hand was shaking.

 

Yavi stared at Dr. Garra in wide-eyed silence, and Rostok kept up a steady stream of low-voiced curses.

Bodhi lurched to his feet and stumbled away from both of them, his head spinning.

 

A memory pierced him like a needle between his eyes.

 

“I need you to do something for me, Bodhi. Something important.” Galen had spoken those words to him on their last night together, after Bodhi finished opening his heart about how he couldn't live with himself anymore – how he could no longer look the other way while the Empire ground his people into the dust.

 

“What?” he'd asked.

 

Fire flashed in Galen's eyes when he answered. “When you go back to Jedha, I need you to find Saw Gerrera. He'll know what to do. I need the Rebellion to know what those kyber crystals are really for. They need to know what we've been building.”

 

“It's my fault,” Bodhi murmured, staring down at his hands as the memory of that conversation filled his mind. Was there blood on his hands? There should be blood. Why wasn't there blood? “It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. My fault. My fault...”

 

He should have defected when Noor's husband vanished. They had no proof, but they both knew what had happened to him.

 

He should have defected when the Empire sent a Star Destroyer to hover over NiJedha, casting a permanent shadow.

 

He should have taken Galen's message to Saw that night, right after hearing Galen's confession.

 

“What _are_ you building?” he'd asked, realizing, for the first time, that Galen's vague statements about energy research might have been designed to hide something far worse.

 

He'd listened to Galen's confession. He could hear the words ringing in his ears all over again.

 

A planet killer. They'd turned Jedha into a war zone and stripped it of kyber, all for the sake of a planet killer.

 

Bodhi should have gone straight back to Jedha and sought out the rebels immediately. But he had been too angry – too disgusted – to stay. He left before Galen could explain himself. Before he could pass along a message.

 

He didn't faced Galen again for more than a week. He'd made two more delivery runs to Eadu, but never left his ship. For two runs to Jedha he'd watched his proud sister bowed and broken under the weight of her husband's death and her people's oppression. For two runs he'd hidden behind his own cowardice and heartbreak until he couldn't stand to look himself in the mirror. On his third run, he told Noor he had one more run to make, and then he would be leaving the Empire behind. He would be defecting.

 

He just needed to face Galen one last time. He needed to get that message.

 

But it was too late. He allowed too much time to slip past him.

 

And now Jedha was gone. Noor was gone. Pabo was gone. And Alderaan was gone. All because he hadn't carried the message in time.

 

“It's my fault...”

 

He walked dizzily toward Dr. Garra, who stood slumped against a console near the door, tears still staining her cheeks.

 

“I'm sorry,” he said, meeting her eyes. “I'm so, so sorry. This is my fault. I could have stopped it, and I didn't. I'm sorry.”

 

While she blinked in confusion, Bodhi turned to the MPs guarding the door. They both watched him with wary eyes. Good. They should doubt him. He'd condemned two worlds because of his cowardice. No more.

 

“You – you need to lock me up,” he said, and took a step closer to them. The burlier of the two rested a hand over the blaster at his waist.

 

“Please – tell General Draven this was my fault. I could've stopped it. I could've stopped it. I could've stopped all of it. But I was too slow. I deserve to be locked up. This was my fault!” He stepped even closer to the MPs as he raised his voice.

 

Why weren't they locking him up? He needed to pay. He needed to suffer for what he'd done.

 

He felt a hand on his right arm, and turned to find Yavi there. “Bodhi – stop this.”

 

Bodhi shook his head. If Yavi knew the truth, he'd agree. Bodhi needed to be punished.

 

And then Jyn was suddenly there at his right, grasping his shoulder and slipping around him to stand between him and the guards.

 

“This isn't your fault,” she said.

 

“Yes! Yes it is!” he snapped back. “You don't know. You don't know what I did.”

 

“What did you do, Bodhi?” Yavi's voice was soft and imploring, his face surprisingly calm.

 

Yes. Bodhi could confess his crime. Yavi would understand. It was his home that had been destroyed, after all.

 

“I – I – I knew about the planet killer. I knew more than a week before I carried the message. My city was in shambles. They'd killed my brother-in-law. I knew I had to do something, but I was weak. I was a coward. I didn't even act when Galen told me to find Gerrera. I was too angry and heartsick – and – and I waited too long. I was a weak coward, and it took me more than a week to pull myself together enough to face Galen again. I lost more than a week. It's my fault.”

 

The memory of his parting words that night filled his mind. He could feel them on the tip of his tongue. “Was this why you decided to be with me? Were you using me this whole time, just to manipulate me into carrying your message to Gerrera?”

 

Even then, he'd been a selfish coward. He hadn't been thinking of his people – only of his own heartbreak.

 

“Bodhi – it was always more than that...”

 

He'd left before Galen could say any more.

 

He'd been so selfish.

 

Bodhi closed his eyes. He could hear Galen's voice in his ears. Galen's voice in his head. Galen's confession ringing out over, and over, and over again.

 

He reached up and covered his ears, but it wasn't enough. “Make it stop. Please, make it stop.”

 

Strong hands gripped his arms and guided him. He stumbled along, still closing his eyes. Finally, Galen's voice began to fade.

 

He slowly lowered his hands and opened his eyes. He was sitting on Jyn's bed, next to Cassian. Jyn and Yavi still held his shoulders. Veera stood in front of him, holding out a cup. “Bodhi – I need you to drink this.”

 

“I don't want a sedative.”

 

“It's not a sedative,” she said. “It's just some cool water. But I do have an anti-anxiety pill I'd like you to take.”

 

Bodhi stared at the pill in her hand. “I don't want to go back to sleep. I don't want to dream.”

 

“It won't put you to sleep,” said Veera softly. “I promise.”

 

Bodhi took a deep breath and nodded. He took the cup of water, and swallowed the pill.

 

Veera went to check on Dr. Garra, but the others remained gathered around him.

 

Cassian, propped up to a sitting position in his bed, was the first to speak. “The extra week wouldn't have mattered, Bodhi. You still would have ended up in Saw's prison, and he and his people would have tried to attack Scarif on their own. They would have failed, and the Empire would have retaliated. It might not have been Alderaan, but after an attack from Saw's Partisans, Jedha would still have been a target.”

 

“I don't know. I don't know,” murmured Bodhi. Cassian made sense. But a week could change everything. Cassian couldn't know for sure.

 

“That's not all,” Cassian continued. “Rebel Intelligence has been hearing rumors of a massive new weapon for nearly a year. Some even called it a planet killer. But our leaders wouldn't act, because we had no proof. And even after Jedha, you saw how the Council reacted. Blame can lie on dozens of shoulders, my own included. The only person who acted as soon as she heard the truth – the only person who refused to wait and refused to back down – was Jyn. All the rest of us took too long. So all of us are guilty. But that doesn't mean we need to be locked up. It only means we need to fight harder and better next time. Do you understand?”

 

Bodhi took another deep breath. “I do. I do. I – I just feel like I should have been able to stop it. I should have done more.”

 

“We all feel that way,” Jyn said. “Every last one of us.”

 

“She's right,” said Yavi. “We're all in this together.”

 

The warmth of their acceptance and forgiveness helped. It didn't change the reality of things. But he didn't feel so alone anymore. “Thank you. Thank you,” he said.

 

Jyn squeezed his arm and leaned against him. He leaned into the embrace, resting his face against her hair. “Thank you,” he murmured again.

 

“Bodhi,” said Jyn quietly, “I have a question to ask you. About your time in Saw's prison. Did he ever lock you in a cell with a creature?”

 

Bodhi shuddered involuntarily, tightening his grip on her arm as he felt those tentacles on him again – wrapping around his arms – his neck – his head. “Yes,” he gasped. “B – Bor Gullet, he called it.”

 

“That son of a bitch. I should have killed that monster when I had the chance. Saw said he would only ever use it on our enemies, but I knew he was lying.” She lifted his chin with her hand and looked into his eyes. “I saw that thing break men's minds into jagged shards that they couldn't possibly hope to piece together again. Bodhi – it could only do that to dishonest men. You are honest, and good, and so much stronger than you know. That's why you're holding up so well after that creature. You need to believe that.”

 

Bodhi let out a long breath. Had he been good and honest and strong? He couldn't remember. “I – I'll try,” he said.

 

She nodded. “I'll make sure Veera knows about what happened. The anti-anxiety meds will help. You might need them for a long duration. Please – take them. They'll help you find yourself again.”

 

“Okay,” he whispered. Would he even have time to find himself, with the Death Star searching them out?

 

“All will be as The Force wills it,” a voice murmured behind him. Bodhi closed his eyes and tried to determine if it was a memory of something Chirrut said on their trip, or if the Guardian had come back to comfort him.

 

He wasn't sure which option he preferred.

 

~ ~ ~

 

After Bodhi was sufficiently calm, he and Yavi went to check on Rostok. Jyn watched him go, her arms folded protectively over her chest. The way he'd talked about her father – the look he'd had in his eyes made her wonder... Had her father taken advantage of Bodhi and his good heart? Had he used him?

 

She shook her head. There was no point in dwelling on it. If there was anything the last week had taught her, it was that some things were best left in the past. Whatever the relationship between her father and Bodhi had been, it was definitely one of those things best left behind. What mattered right now was taking care of Bodhi and Cassian, and Yavi and Rostok, and all the rest of the people in the Rebellion who now had targets on their backs with the Death Star closing in.

 

“Do you really think the meds will help him?” Cassian said, braking her train of thought. “After what that creature did to him?”

 

Jyn sighed. “I hope so. Saw had that thing for two years before he left me, and in that time he never let someone live long enough after being used by it for me to know for sure.”

 

Cassian shook his head with a grim look on his face.

 

“The Partisans were my family, but I never said they were a _good_ one,” Jyn said. “Speaking of which, you shouldn't put me on a pedestal like that.”

 

“Like what?” he asked, looking as if he genuinely didn't know.

 

She frowned. “Just now, with Yavi and Bodhi. You talked about me like was some sort of righteous crusader for truth – like I'm a hero out of an adventure story. Please – don't do that.”

 

“I didn't say anything that wasn't true.”

 

This was getting infuriating. “It was the way you said it.”

 

“How did I say it?” He held her gaze, offering her a silent challenge to try to pry his head open and find out what was going on inside.

 

“You said it like – like –” _You said it like I'm your hero. You said it like you respect me. You said it with reverence. You said it the way I'd imagine a man speaking about me if he were falling in love with me._

 

But she couldn't say any of those things. Not out loud. Not after the way he'd tried to pull back from her once he convinced himself they were never getting the plans back.

 

Cassian Andor needed to learn to have a little faith now and again. Jyn was finding she quite enjoyed her new-found faith.

 

She raised her fingers to toy with the Kyber crystal resting above her heart. Cassian continued to stare at her with his challenging gaze. She shook her head. “Never mind. I just don't like being put on pedestals. That's all.”

 

“Fair enough,” he said, a note of resignation in his voice, as if disappointed that she was letting it drop.

 

The Kyber felt warm, like it did whenever Chirrut's phantom was nearby. A few minutes ago she could have sworn she'd heard his voice. “All will be as The Force wills it,” she said, repeating those words aloud.

 

“What?” Cassian knit his brows, confused.

 

She smiled. “It's something I remember Chirrut Imwe saying. And it's true. I still believe that The Force means for the Rebellion to have those plans, and I still believe that in the end, we'll get them. Just wait and see.”

 

Cassian's face fell. He probably thought she was delusional. Maybe she was. But for now, at least, she'd rather be delusional than despairing.

 

“Jyn...”

 

Before Cassian could get any words out, Bodhi returned, once again looking nervous. “Um. Rostok's not doing so good. We're going to bring his bed over here so he has company. I think he needs us, right now.”

 

“What's wrong?” Jyn asked. His wounds had been healing well, last she heard.

 

“His – his son was on Alderaan. He was – was thirteen. Jarom. His name was Jarom.” Bodhi nodded, and the shuffled back to help Yavi push Rostok's bed toward them.

 

Jyn felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the room.

 

This rebellion ate its own young. When would it stop?

 

She shook her head and put away her own sorrows when the boys approached. It was time to mourn with their friend. All of them could stand to do a little mourning right now.

 

~ ~ ~

 

At some point in the evening, Veera brought over a bottle of gin. Eventually Dr. Garra – Serena, as she finally told them – wandered over to join them, along with Lt. Saggs, back on duty. He didn't join in the drinking at their impromptu wake for their many dead, but he didn't act much like a guard, either.

 

Cassian had never been comfortable with memorial services. Maybe because he'd been expecting his own memorial after every mission he'd gone on for several years now. (The average life span of an intelligence officer from the time he started active field work until his death was six years. Cassian was now pushing nine. It was only a matter of time.) This one, however, was different.

 

Though it had started as a memorial for Rostok's son (his mother – Rostok's ex – had taken a job on Alderaan because she thought it would be _safe_ ), it soon expanded to include all of their dead. No one in the circle had escaped the past few weeks unscathed.

 

The reminiscences varied as they went around the circle. Rostok boasted of his son's intelligence – how he was supposed to grow up to be something better than “blaster bait” like his dad. With tears in his eyes and a rough voice, he finished, “No man should have to outlive his son.”

 

After raising a glass in honor of the boy, Yavi spoke next. He talked about his parents and how they kept their faith and always managed to provide for their sons. Garra talked about her sisters and their families. Saggs talked about his friend who had been on Senator Organa's staff. Bodhi, haltingly, raised a glass to his sister and her son. Even Jyn shared a bittersweet reminiscence of learning to shoot straight during battle conditions from Saw.

 

The gin flowed as freely as the stories, and more than an hour passed before he felt Jyn's pensive gaze on him.

 

“What?” he asked softly.

 

“You haven't talked about anyone that you lost, yet. Do you want to?”

 

No. He didn't want to.

 

He been trying his damnedest over the past few days to avoid thinking about the men he lost on Scarif. To avoid thinking about Kay.

 

His heart clenched at even the fleeting thought.

 

Jyn must have seen something in his face that she understood (How had she learned to read him so quickly? Was he that easy to read, or was it that she was the first person in a very long time who had bothered to try?)

 

She reached out a hand to squeeze his wrist. “Is it alright if I remember Kay? I think someone ought to,” she whispered.

 

His throat had constricted too much to answer. He'd never been good at emotions – talking about them. Sharing them. He settled for a slight nod.

 

Jyn nodded back, and interrupted the latest lull in conversation by raising her glass. “Let's not forget our friend, K2-SO. The droid who rescued me from Wobani by body-slamming me to the ground, and who later suggested that the probability of my shooting the captain here in the back was extremely high.”

 

This was enough to get a chuckle out of everyone who'd encountered the droid in the past. Cassian managed a smile. Kay had never been good with people, but in the opposite way that Cassian struggled. Cassian kept too much to himself – Kay hadn't known when to shut up. Maybe that was part of why Cassian had always enjoyed him so much. He voiced a lot of the thoughts that Cassian only kept to himself. He adjusted his hand to interlock his fingers with Jyn's. She squeezed him in acknowledgment, but continued to address the circle at large.

 

“Kay may not have been the most trusting of droids, but in the short time I knew him he got us out of several difficult scrapes, and I have no doubt he was one of the main reasons that Cassian was still alive and kicking to bring us all together. And in the end, he gave his life defending us from Storm Troopers, so that we could reach the plans. He knew what he was doing, just like everyone else who laid down their lives on Scarif knew. To Kay.”

 

Cassian raised his glass, at last finding his voice. “To Kay,” he echoed, and the others joined in a chorus after him. He drained his cup, wincing at the burn of the cheap liquor, and blinking back the sting of tears in his eyes.

 

If he somehow did make it out of this medbay without facing criminal charges, he had no idea how he'd continue to serve without Kay at his side.

 

At an unfamiliar sensation on his hand, he glanced down to see Jyn's thumb softly caressing the back of his hand.

 

He looked up to study her face. Her eyes were on Yavi, who was making a toast to the lost Guardians. At the young man's words, her eyes blazed with fire and faith.

 

For all that he couldn't imagine serving without Kay, it was becoming increasingly hard to imagine serving without Jyn at his side. If Jyn was right, and The Force allowed them to live and overcome the Death Star, he didn't want this thing, whatever it was, to end.

 

A thought in the back of his mind reminded him that he was being selfish. He was going to be condemned, or a cripple. She deserved better than that. Even whole, he was hardly a man worthy of her. He'd given so much of his soul to the rebellion that he didn't know what he had left to offer.

 

But with the alcohol loosening his feelings, he pushed that reminder aside.

 

He'd never allowed himself to want much out of life, beyond success for the rebellion and freedom for the galaxy. But those ideals were remote, and distant. He'd tried to overcome the extraneous desire for anything personal or emotional.

 

But Jyn – this thing that had somehow blossomed between them against all odds – by the stars he _wanted_ it. He wanted _her,_ to whatever extent she was willing to share herself with him.

 

After another round had been poured and Rostok was proposing another toast to fallen heroes of Scarif, a bold impulse overtook Cassian. He raised Jyn's hand to his lips, and placed a kiss just above her wrist.

 

She met his gaze with a surprised smile on her face and delight glowing in her eyes.

 

Cassian breathed deep, savoring the moment of happiness, and rested their joined hands over his heart.

 

He didn't have to explain himself. Jyn would understand.

 

~ ~ ~

 

For a moment, as Cassian held her gaze, pressing her hand to his heart, Jyn felt as if they were the only two people in the room.

 

In spite of his wavering faith over the past days, this felt like a renewal of all the promises they'd exchanged.

 

_Welcome home._

 

_I wish to know you better._

 

_Together or not at all._

 

Jyn felt the steady beat of his heart beneath her palm, and felt her other hand shake while holding her glass. The weight of this feeling filling her up was almost too much. She didn't know how or why she'd come to feel so much for someone she still knew so little about. Maybe these sorts of feelings weren't really about knowing the facts of someone's life. Maybe they were about two souls brushing against each other, and recognizing a kinship that made them more whole and complete than they'd ever been before.

 

She'd never thought anything like this would ever happen to her. It happened to other people – people with credits and jobs and homes and leisure. Not to her.

 

Yet, here she was. Here _they_ were.

 

If The Force really had taken an interest in her, she hoped it would give them time to savor this precious thing they'd found – even if their time in mortality ended sooner rather than later. She didn't ask for much. Just a little more time.

 

Jyn didn't know how long she sat like that, staring into Cassian's eyes with her hand over his heart, lost in their own bubble of space. She only knew that the moment didn't end until there was a whoosh of the medbay doors opening, and a white-robed figure strode in with several, dimmer, people in tow.

 

Mon Mothma had come.

 

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regarding my quote of choice – instead of referring to a victory, I've flipped the meaning of the quote to reference the destruction of Alderaan, to set the stage for the grief and guilt felt by the survivors leading into their spontaneous wake.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The survivors face both the best news and the worst news that they've had since escaping Scarif, and they stand together as the Death Star approaches Yavin.

> “I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory. Is this where it gets me, on my feet, several feet ahead of me? I see it coming, do I run or fire my gun or let it be?”
> 
> - _The World Was Wide Enough_ , Lin Manuel Miranda's Hamilton
> 
>  

 

Cassian sat up as straight as he could in his propped-up bed. He didn't release Jyn's hand, but did slide it down to tuck it by the side of his leg. He noticed the other soldiers taking similar positions of attention at the sight of Senator Mothma.

 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jyn lifting her chin, a fire of vindication burning in her eyes. Maybe some of her plotting and pestering had finally paid off.

 

Mothma paused in front of their cluster, her aides fanning out behind her. Cassian found himself wishing he hadn't indulged in so much gin. Wishing that none of them had. This was hardly the impression he would have wanted to make.

 

Dr. Garra spoke first. “Senator, it's an honor. I apologize for the state of things. We've – we've been having a wake, of sorts.”

 

Mothma nodded serenely – though Cassian had long thought that Mothma was incapable of doing anything in a state other than serenity.

 

“An entirely appropriate activity at a time like this,” she said. “I must correct you in only one regard – word reached us hours ago that the Imperial Senate has been officially dissolved. As a result, the members of the Council have elected me as Chancellor of the Rebel Alliance.”

 

Dr. Garra bowed her head in deference. “Yes, Madam Chancellor.”

 

Cassian clenched his jaw at the news. They'd all known that the Imperial Senate was an ineffective body meant to placate the populace. But to officially dissolve it – that was it. What they'd started on Scarif was now official: a true galactic civil war.

 

In his younger years he'd longed for this moment when the rebellion no longer had to hide in shadows. For the day when they could proclaim themselves free and fight like they meant it. But now, from the perspective of leading the mission that ignited this fire, he wasn't so comfortable. All the choices he'd made over the past few months cascaded over him, and still he couldn't fathom how he'd become a man who would do such a thing. And then he looked at Jyn, and felt her hand squeezing his, and he remembered. He was wasn't the one to spark this fire at all. He'd simply been caught up in the blaze.

 

Chancellor Mothma now addressed them all. “Survivors of Rogue One – your actions pushed the Rebellion off of the precipice of indecision and into the tumult of war. There are those among the leadership of our Alliance who revile you for that. They believe we weren't ready. They believe you are traitors to our cause.” Cassian's heart raced with anxiety. “However,” Mothma continued, “I am not among their ranks. And fortunately for you, they have chosen me as their leader.”

 

Cassian sensed the ripples of relief in his comrades. Mothma was on their side.

 

“For a time was willing to grant General Draven leeway in his treatment of you, as I assumed you would all be vindicated in your actions eventually. But it was only the message from Ensign Hoddan,” she nodded at Veera, “which I did not receive until this morning, that alerted me to the fact that the General had ordered your doctors to deny you needed treatment. I would not condone such actions even against my enemies. I would have come sooner were it not of the tragic events of the day – the destruction of our beloved Alderaan, and the dissolution of the senate. But now that my staff has those events in hand, I am here.”

 

She paused, taking a minute to look around the room, catching the gaze of each of the survivors in turn. She wore her usual serene expression when Cassian met her eyes, but when she lifted her gaze to Jyn, he thought he detected a hint of a smile on her face.

 

He took a deep breath of relief. If Mothma had also been caught by Jyn's fire, then perhaps there was hope for them after all.

 

She returned her gaze to Cassian. “Captain Andor – I am sure it will come as a relief to you to hear that I am officially pardoning you and all of your surviving team of any wrongdoing, and retroactively declaring your assault on Scarif an official mission of the Rebel Fleet.”

 

Warmth stirred in his chest, and he gripped Jyn's hand even tighter. “Thank you, Madam Chancellor.”

 

“You are most welcome,” Mothma inclined her head toward him. “You and are team are among the bravest and most determined heroes that this rebellion has ever known, and we cannot afford to lose you at such a crucial time.” She swung her gaze to the doctor. “Dr. Garra – resume any necessary medical treatments for this crew immediately. You are authorized to take any measures necessary to restore their health. Officers of the military police – you are hereby relieved of duty.”

 

“Yes, Madam Chancellor,” Saggs and his compatriot responded in unison.

 

“Private Yavi, Miss Erso, and Mr. Rook,” Mothma continued. “You may spend one last night in the medbay to ensure your best health. Mr. Rook. Miss Erso. You have a choice to make. You served as private consultants alongside rebel officers during the Battle of Scarif. Now you may choose whether you wish to make that role permanent by formally enlisting in the Rebel Forces, or whether you wish to return to private life. Tomorrow morning, Private Yavi will guide you to Deck Chief Hafnor. Share your decision with him. If you choose to return to private life, he will see to it that you receive a sum of credits to compensate you for your service and will arrange for your transport off-world. If you choose to remain, as I heartily hope you will, he will see to it that you are sworn in, provided with a place in the barracks, and given duties in the hangars until more suitable positions are assigned.”

 

She allowed her words to hang in the air for a moment before concluding, “Again, I thank all of you for your valiant service on behalf of the cause of freedom in the galaxy. And I truly hope that all of you will choose to remain in this fight. You will be valued, here. I promise that. May The Force be with you.” With another nod, she turned and swept out of the room, her aides trailing in her wake.

 

Everyone sat in stunned silence, her pronouncements sinking in.

 

Pardoned. Congratulated. Declared heroes. Medical treatments to begin immediately.

 

And Jyn and Bodhi could stay. There was a place for them here. A place for all of them.

 

All of his resignation to a dark fate that he'd sunk into over the past days was suddenly swept away, and it left him feeling raw, like a burn not yet healed enough to touch. Could it really be this easy?

 

He looked up to find Jyn already staring at him, a smile on her face.

 

“All will be as The Force wills it,” she murmured. “It seems The Force isn't done with us, yet.”

 

“Apparently not,” Cassian said, feeling mystified. He had trouble explaining this turn of luck as anything _but_ mystical.

 

The moment of quiet ended abruptly as Dr. Garra started calling orders. “Nurse Hoddan – get Corporal Rostok another injection of nerve stimulant, and then tank him immediately. You,” she said, rounding on Cassian. “Get ready for another treatment and a night in bacta. We're going to get you back on your feet.”

 

His heart started pounding again as the medbay burst into action. Nurses and medics rushed toward them to begin the renewed treatments, and Jyn's hand slipped out of his as two medics activated his float bed and pulled it away from the wall.

 

A similar flurry of activity was clustered around Rostok's bed, and, as they pushed him toward the bacta room, he saw Jyn, Bodhi and Yavi standing together with dumbstruck expressions.

 

Wait. He'd be in bacta all night. He'd be in bacta while Jyn was deciding whether or not to stay.

 

Fear shot through him. He expected she'd stay. But what if...

 

“Wait. Stop,” he ordered the medics. They paused.

 

“Captain?” one asked, puzzled.

 

He clenched his teeth and raised a hand to gesture at Jyn. “Jyn! Jyn!”

 

She started moving even before he called her name. “Cassian?” She sounded a little breathless.

 

“I'll be in bacta all night,” he said, while the medics shuffled their feet. He ignored them. “Will you – are you going to –?” It was hard to ask the question. What if she wasn't sure of her answer?

 

“I'm staying,” she said, with as much confidant bravado as he'd ever seen from her. “I mean to finish what I've started.”

 

He let out a breath of relief, and gave her a short nod. “Good.”

 

Her lips curved up. By the stars, he loved to see her smile. “Good,” she replied. “Now – shall I stay with you through the treatment?”

 

He shouldn't need this. He'd never needed this kind of comfort before Scarif. He was strong enough to bear it on his own. “Yes,” he said, as if there was no other possible answer.

 

She nodded and met the eyes of the nearest medic. “Lead the way.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi stood next to Yavi, watching all the action as Rostok and Cassian were sent back to their treatments. His head was still spinning at how quickly their fortunes had been completely reversed. It looked like Jyn's meddling had paid off beyond anyone's expectations. Maybe her constant faith hadn't been as much of a long-shot as he'd thought.

 

Beside him, Yavi looked just as dazed. “Hey – Yavi – are you – are you alright?”

 

The young man nodded. “Yeah. I – wow. And you can call me Tehma. All my friends do.”

 

Friends. Bodhi smiled. Not much good had come from all he'd been through the past weeks. But he had made some new friends. That was something. It was a start. “Yeah. I'll do that, Tehma.”

 

Tehma's hollow-eyed face broke into a smile that finally made him look his age. Bodhi remembered being eighteen. Feeling like a grown-up striding around the academy in his cadet's uniform.

 

Looking back, he'd been little more than a baby taking his first steps in the world.

 

Tehma, on the other hand, was a battle-scarred veteran at the same age.

 

Kids deserved better than that. Better than what had happened to Tehma and Jyn and Cassian. Kids shouldn't have to go to war just to survive.

 

And that, he supposed, was what the Rebellion was all about, in the end. But it was a tragedy that it had to break this rising generation in order to make the galaxy better for the next one.

 

One of Galen's comments rang out in his mind: “It's always the innocent that are harmed the most in wartime. Whether it's in the name of order, or in the name of freedom, the innocent still suffer.”

 

At the time Bodhi had agreed with him in the abstract, but now he knew firsthand just how much the innocent suffered.

 

Jedha had suffered for the sake of imperial greed. Then it had suffered in the crossfire of Gerrera's fight for freedom. And then the Empire, in its quest for order, had made an example of Jedha. He squeezed his eyes shut, remembering the feeling of little Pabo's arms around his neck. The sound of his laughter.

 

“Are you thinking of home?” Tehma said wistfully.

 

Bodhi opened his eyes and nodded. “I was thinking about my nephew. He – I – I really miss him. It's still hard to accept that I'll never –”

 

Tears stood in Tehma's eyes when he nodded in reply. “I thought fighting on Scarif would help with this pain. But I was wrong. I don't know if anything will ever help.”

 

“I don't know either,” Bodhi confessed.

 

After a moment of silence, Tehma asked, “Are you going to stay?”

 

What a question. Bodhi didn't want to stay. In its own way the Rebellion had proved itself to be as cruel as its more powerful enemy. But what choice did he have? There was no returning to the Empire, even if he wanted to – which he didn't. And he couldn't turn his back on this conflict. Not anymore. Not after Jedha.

 

“Yeah,” he said. “I am.”

 

“Good,” said Tehma, his smile a little sad. “Then at least we'll have each other. My Jedhan brother.”

 

Yes. This was a little piece of home that he could hold onto. This was the start of something new. “My Jedhan brother,” he replied, clasping Tehma's shoulder.

 

Tehma beamed, and Bodhi was taken aback by the fiery determination in his eyes. “We'll find others, Bodhi. Together, we'll find whats left of Jedha. We'll build something new.”

 

Though Tehma's words echoed Bodhi's thoughts, they were full of a drive and an ambition that Bodhi lacked. What had had he just gotten himself into? Still, he couldn't bring himself to back down.

 

He nodded. “Yeah. Yeah.”

 

Tehma grinned. “We're in this together, now. I can't wait until we can arrange to transfer my kid brother here to join us. He's going to love you. His name is Amir.”

 

They sat on the edge of Tehma's bed while he rhapsodized about his younger brother. A mechanical genius, Tehma called him. Smarter than anyone else Tehma knew. Going to be a ship designer someday. Tehma went on and on.

 

Bodhi's mind drifted. Would they really find other Jedhans here in the Rebellion – or out in the galaxy? And once they did, what then? He'd been so cut off from his own culture from the time his mother transferred him to the Imperial school. He was hopelessly unqualified for this mission Tehma seemed determined to undertake.

 

“It's not your history that matters, Bodhi. It's what's in your heart. I know you can do this.”

 

Bodhi glanced up at the unexpected voice, and for just a moment he thought he saw Chirrut smiling at him from across the room. Then he blinked, and no one was there.

 

~ ~ ~

 

After a restless night of sleep, Jyn woke to find Cassian being transferred back to his bed after his night in bacta. He was still unconscious.

 

He looked so much younger when he was asleep. It made her wistful. She'd like to see him at peace like this during his waking hours. Though that was unlikely to happen anytime soon.

 

Veera was there helping, and she pulled Jyn aside. “We'll let him wake up on his own before doing the next treatment. You'll probably be out working in the hangar by then.”

 

Jyn folded her arms across her chest and sighed. She wanted to be here for him, but now that she was being given the chance, she needed to prove herself trustworthy. “Tell him I'll be back as soon as I can,” she said.

 

Veera nodded and patted her arm. “I will. I promise.”

 

Sometime in the night a fresh set of clothing had been delivered. It was a refreshing change from the drab medical pajamas she'd been stuck in since her return to Yavin. It was a simple uniform of tan trousers, tan tee-shirt and tan jacket with an Alliance insignia on the shoulder – and a fresh set of white underclothes. Nothing fit perfectly, but it was close enough. It must be the standard issue uniform provided by the commissary. Thankfully, her boots had survived Scarif only slightly worse for the wear. She'd hate to have to break in new ones.

 

She found Bodhi and Yavi wearing identical uniforms. She smiled at them. “Looks like we're still in this together.”

 

Bodhi nodded. “We are. This is home now – for better or for worse.”

 

Please let it be for better, she thought to herself as they followed Yavi toward the hangar.

 

Deck Chief Hafnor was a burly, red-faced man in khaki coveralls. He seemed not at all surprised by their decision. He led them to a nearby office where a commander, whose name Jyn promptly forgot, led them through a swearing in oath and had them submit hand prints, genetic samples, and eye scans. Finally, they signed enlistment papers.

 

The commander nodded as she filed away all the paperwork. “Excellent. I've been authorized to appoint Bodhi Rook to the rank of Lieutenant. And Jyn Erso, you are being appointed to the rank of Master Sergeant.” She slid rank insignia pins across the desk to both of them. “Those go on your right shoulder. Private Yavi can help you get it right. Welcome to the Alliance Forces.”

 

It had all happened so quickly and perfunctorily that Jyn hardly had time to process it. She'd never sworn in or signed papers or gotten a rank when she was fighting with Saw's partisans. She was just given a blaster and told who to obey. And eventually newer recruits were told to obey _her_. This thing with ranks and distinct chains of command and rampant bureaucracy was something she'd have to get used to.

 

Bodhi, on the other hand, seemed right at home. Good for him. Maybe he'd help her ease into things.

 

Back in the hangar, Deck Chief Hafnor assigned them to intra-base delivery duty. He said it would be a good way for them to get the lay of the land.

 

The job consisted of loading packages onto float pallets and delivering them to the personnel or departments listed on a data pad full of tracking information. Yavi was happy to step into the role of guide and show them around the base while they pushed the pallet and dropped off their loads. Bodhi wore a slight smile on his face and seemed pleased to be getting a full tour of the place while they did their simple work.

 

Jyn, on the other hand, ground her teeth together and tried not to get too jumpy. Eyes were on them wherever they went. Curious eyes. Suspicious eyes. Resentful eyes. Angry eyes. Every muscle in her body tensed, ready for a fight. Plenty of these people seemed to know exactly who she and Bodhi were, and they didn't seem terribly happy about having them roaming the base.

 

The breaking point came two hours into their job when they floated a pallet of assorted electronic components to a room where techs were assembling and programming flight computers for the x-wings and y-wings.

 

Jyn and Yavi started unloading the pallet while Bodhi approached the commanding officer in the room to get an electronic signature.

 

Jyn's arms were full with a bulky plastic crate when she noticed the woman storming toward Bodhi with fire in her eyes. Her skin was deep tan and hair dark brown, like Bodhi and Tehma. As she moved, she called out, “You – are you the Jedhan pilot? The Imperial defector?” There was an angry snarl in her voice.

 

Shit. This wasn't going to end well.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi stared at the angry woman and blinked in surprise. He'd never been one to get in fights, but at the academy he'd seen cadets pick fights with each other often enough to know it when he saw it.

 

As she got closer, the realization sank in. She was Jedhan.

 

Fine. Let her get it out of her system. (A part him even agreed with her – he deserved it.)

 

“Yes,” he said, calm and clear, in response to her irate question, and waited for the inevitable.

 

She bared her teeth in a growl and struck, hitting him in the upper left cheek with a right hook.

 

He stumbled back against the supply shelf behind him, pain bursting his his face.

 

That's when the shouting started. He was vaguely aware of the commanding officer yelling at the woman, and of Tehma and Jyn joining in, but it was his attacker's voice that he heard most clearly. “You led them to Jedha! Instead of finding the real Alliance you went to those terrorists! That's why Jedha is in ruins! That's why my family is dead!”

 

His eyes came back into focus to see Tehma and Jyn holding onto the woman's arms.

 

“Stand down or I'll put you down!” Jyn yelled.

 

“Mayris! He's not the enemy! Leave him alone!” Tehma added.

 

It was her commander's order that finally snapped the woman out of her rage. “Lt. Droon! Stand down!”

 

Mayris stopped struggling and clamped her mouth shut, but she still glared at Bodhi with hatred like he'd never seen. She panted for a moment before stepping back and yanking her arms away from Jyn and Tehma.

 

Jyn stepped in front of Bodhi protectively, her shoulders squared, her muscles tensed and ready to fight.

 

Mayris gave Bodhi one final glare, and then drew herself to attention and turned to face her commander. “I apologize, sir. I was out of line.”

 

“You're damn right you were,” the commander said, stepping up to her.

 

Now that her face was no longer twisted in rage, Mayris looked shockingly familiar. She was practically a twin to one of his cousins. A cousin he would never see again. A cousin who no longer existed.

 

“The Alliance abandoned Jedha,” Jyn said, defiance in her voice. “Those _terrorists,_ as you call them, were the only ones left for him to go to. If the Alliance had given a damn, maybe none of this would have happened.”

 

“You,” the commander rounded, pointing a finger at Jyn, “Shut your mouth. Don't make this any worse.” He turned back to Mayris. “Go take a break until they're gone. I'm letting you off with a warning this time, but if anything like this happens ever again, you're in for it. Understood?”

 

“Yes, sir.” Mayris nodded. She sent one more glare in Bodhi's direction before storming out of the room.

 

The commander sighed. “Sorry about that,” he said. “I've never seen her like this before. She's usually one of the most level-headed people I know.”

 

“Permission to follow her, sir?” Tehma asked. “She's my friend. I might be able to talk some sense into her.”

 

The commander shook his head. “Not right now, private. Leave it be. You can talk to her later. Right now I want you folks to finish this delivery and then get the hell out of here. We've got a deadline to meet.”

 

“Yessir,” replied Tehma.

 

Bodhi echoed him, “Yessir.”

 

The commander nodded. “You all working for Hafnor, today?”

 

“Yes,” said Tehma.

 

“Alright. I'll call him and let him know the lieutenant here probably needs a break to get an ice pack for his eye. I've seen Droon spar – she has a mean right hook.”

 

“Yes, sir,” Bodhi said quietly, still clutching the data pad he'd been carrying. If Mayris was one of the Jedhans that Tehma was hoping to “build something new” with, the cause might already be doomed.

 

The commander headed away to get his people back on task, and Jyn stepped up to his. “You okay?”

 

“I'll live,” he replied, tenderly prodding the new bruise with his fingertips.

 

She shook her head. “We need to get you some unarmed combat training.”

 

Bodhi only huffed. If he needed to know how to win in a fistfight to survive life in the Rebellion, maybe he hadn't made the right choice, after all.

 

As they finished unloading the pallet, memories of unloading dozens of cargoes on Eadu filled his mind. His chest ached. For the first time since they parted, he really, truly, missed Galen.

 

Maybe that meant he'd finally forgiven him.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn's frustration was mounting by the hour. Between the dirty looks they'd been getting all day and that girl assaulting Bodhi, she felt ready to blow. It didn't help that when they took a short break to fetch Bodhi an ice pack from the medbay, Cassian had already been back in bacta after another treatment. This was longest she'd gone without speaking to him since – well, since they met.

 

Reviewing it in her mind as they walked back to the hangar after their latest delivery, Jyn realized that only eight days had passed since she first laid eyes on him, lurking in the shadows of the briefing room.

 

Her life always seemed to run this way – years of following a set pattern with clear expectations, and then a few days of tumult that completely turned her universe upside down. It had happened when her parents fled Coruscant. And again when the man in white arrived on Lah'mu. A third time when Saw abandoned her. And now this. What would her life look like once she finally emerged from this new tumultuous chrysalis?

 

Right now it was impossible to predict. She only hoped Cassian would be a part of it. She'd have to _make sure_ he was a part of it. She was tired of leaving these things to chance. This time, she'd make it happened.

 

As she and the boys headed back to the cargo distribution area for another load, she noticed a small crowd swirling around a clunky-looking cargo ship. She nudged Yavi. “What's going on over there?”

 

He shook his head. “I have no idea. But that's not one of our ships. I've never seen that piece of junk before in my life.”

 

Something in her gut told her that she needed to know what was going on with that strange ship. She could swear she'd seen it before. “Come on,” she said. “Let's check it out.”

 

“Jyn, are you sure about this?” Bodhi asked. His voice had seemed steadier and more confident since he went on the anxiety meds. Jyn took it as a good sign.

 

“Yeah. I'm trusting my instincts. They haven't lead you wrong, yet, have they?”

 

He looked skeptical. “That depends on how you characterize _wrong_.”

 

Jyn grinned. “Come on!” She turned and jogged toward the crowd, glad to hear the sound of the two boys following her.

 

Before they got there, a cluster of personnel broke off from the crowd and headed toward the briefing room, a shiny gold protocol droid and a beeping astromech in their midst. At the base of the boarding ramp of the ship stood a familiar-looking man in a black jacket yelling at Chief Hafnor and pointing wildly at the techs currently scrambling all over what Jyn now knew to be his ship. It was the sight of the wailing wookie beside him that clinched the memory. He was a smuggler. She'd run into him, once, on a job. What the hell was he doing here, of all places? She scanned her mind for his name. Sonor? Survo? Solo. That was it.

 

As she drew near, Hafnor was throwing his hands in the air, more red-faced than ever, and storming away. Solo turned and shouted at a few more techs, telling them to get off of his ship.

 

“Hey! Solo!” she called, when they got close.

 

The man spun and narrowed his eyes at her. “Do I know you?”

 

“On Bothawui. I was going by Tanith Pontha at the time – you bought me a drink.” She folded her arms over her chest and smirked up at him.

 

“Oh – I remember you now. You worked for Gancho. Helped hire me to run that cargo for him.” She saw the recognition dawning in his eyes. She wondered if he also remembered the way she'd picked his pocket of fifty credits. Maybe not, though. He'd had a bit too much to drink. “What are you doing here?”

 

“They recruited me,” she replied, deciding Solo didn't need the long version of that story. “And the name's Erso, now. Sergeant Erso.”

 

“They made you a sergeant? The Rebellion is really scraping the bottom of the barrel, now.”

 

Okay. Maybe he did remember the pick-pocketing. “Looks like it, if they've brought you in.”

 

“Hey, I ain't signing up for this crazy racket,” he replied. “I was minding my own business when I picked up what I thought would be a nice easy job – running a kid and an old man along with their two droids to Alderaan.”

 

“Alderaan?” Jyn interupted. “Were you there when –?”

 

“When it got blown to hell? Got there just after,” Solo said. Even he sounded a little devastated by the disaster. He shook his head. “Next thing I knew we were caught in a tractor beam, getting sucked inside that monstrosity of a battle station.”

 

Her eyes went wide, but Bodhi spoke first, stepping up beside her, his voice full of earnest intensity. “You were on the Death Star? And you escaped?”

 

Solo eyed him warily, and nodded. “Yeah. But not before being roped into an insane rescue of this battle-ax you rebels call a princess.”

 

“You rescued Princess Leia?” Yavi said, an awed look on his face.

 

Solo folded his arms and nodded with a cocky smirk. “Sure did.”

 

Jyn's head was spinning. He'd been transporting two droids? “Where did you say you picked up your passengers?” Her heart raced, and the kyber crystal felt warm against her chest.

 

“Tatooine. A farm boy and his crazy old uncle – claimed to be a Jedi, if you can believe it.”

 

Jyn could hardly process what she was hearing. Two droids from Tatooine. Had it really happened? Had her faith in the Force been vindicated? “Were the droids carrying the plans?” she asked, unable to mask the desperation in her voice.

 

Solo blinked, sudden suspicion on his face. “How did you know about the plans? Just who are you, Erso?”

 

She grabbed the lapels of his jacket and shook him. “They're here? The plans are safe?”

 

“Calm down, sweetheart. Yeah, your plans are safe. But not for long. Those damn Imperials put a homing beacon on my ship – that's what all those techs were looking for.” Solo looked almost apologetic.

 

She let go of his jacket and stepped back. “You led them to the base?”

 

“Not on purpose!” he said, defensively.

 

Jyn turned to Bodhi and Yavi. “Come on. We've got to go.”

 

They followed her without question as she powered toward the briefing room.

 

“Nice to see you again, too, sweetheart,” Solo called after her. She ignored him. There were far more important matters to worry about, now.

 

The briefing room was a flurry of activity. She hardly knew who to speak to. An officer who she recognized as one of Draven's men noticed her, and strode toward them. “You can't be in here right now. Authorized personnel only.”

 

Jyn got right to the point. “Are the plans really here? Did that smuggler really bring them?”

 

The officer clenched his jaw, but nodded. “Yes. He did.”

 

“Thank the Force,” Yavi whispered beside her.

 

The officer looked around, as if to make sure no one was watching, before leaning in. “But he also led the Empire right to us. Scouts have already confirmed it – the Death Star is on its way. It'll be here in less than twelve hours. You should get ready to evacuate. I expect the general evac order will be called any minute.”

 

Jyn swallowed hard and nodded. The man turned back to his station. She looked at Bodhi and Yavi. “Get back to the hangar. If there's an evacuation they're going to need all the help they can get.”

 

“What about you?” Bodhi asked.

 

“I'll join you after I've told Cassian.”

 

Neither of them seemed surprised by her statement. They parted ways in the corridors, and she found herself sprinting toward the medbay.

 

When she stepped inside she breathed a sigh of relief. Cassian was in his bed, sitting up, eating a meal. He smiled when he saw her, but his smile fell as she approached.

 

“What is it? What's happened?” he asked, searching her face for an answer.

 

“The good and the bad all at once,” she said, and then rushed through the news.

 

His eyes grew distant for a moment and all the breath seemed to leave his chest. Finally he looked up at her. “They have the plans. That means there's still a chance.”

 

She squeezed her lips together and nodded. For all her faith and bravado during their long days of waiting, right now she felt absolutely terrified. She'd seen that thing destroy two worlds already. Was this where it would finally catch up with her?

 

Cassian took her hand. “It's okay, Jyn,” he said softly. “It's not up to us, anymore. We did everything we could.”

 

Her throat was tight. She didn't know what to say.

 

“Jyn,” he said, holding her gaze. “No matter what happens next, I know your father would be proud of you.”

 

How did he do this? How did he look straight into her heart and say the thing that would mean the most?

 

Not for the first time she found herself wishing she could have met him years ago. How different would her life have been if he'd been in it for years, instead of days?

 

Knowing her, she would have found a way to ruin it. Maybe it was better, this way. He'd never have a chance to be disappointed in her.

 

“Jyn,” he said, his eyes full of emotions she had no name for, “I –”

 

Before he could speak Dr. Garra's voice rang out through the medbay. “Attention everyone. I have an announcement. An attack on the base is immanent. I've just received the order that all personnel other than combat or combat support are to begin an evacuation. That includes all patients and all medical personnel other than a handful of emergency medics. If you have anything in your quarters that you can't live without, now is the time to inform one of the medics or nurses and we'll do what we can to get it to you before the evacuation begins. Otherwise, prep to be moved.”

 

Whatever he was going to say was lost beneath a new, more pressing concern. She squeezed his hand. “Cassian –”

 

Once again he knew exactly what to say, even before she finished her question. “I won't go.” His voice was firm. “I'll refuse to evacuate. We started this, and I'm seeing it through to the end.”

 

She let out a breath of relief. “Okay.”

 

He nodded in silent agreement. They were still in this together. Live together, or die together. Just like on Scarif.

 

“You should go back to the hangar. They'll need all the help they can get right now,” he said.

 

She squeezed his hand again. “I'll come back as soon as I can. You'd better be here when I do.”

 

“I will be,” he replied. “I'm not going anywhere.”

 

She nodded a short goodbye, took a deep breath, and jogged back toward the hangar and the chaos that awaited her there.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian wasn't entirely sure what he'd planned on saying to Jyn before Dr. Garra interrupted with her announcement. He was never one for bold confessions of his feelings – or for any talk about feelings, in general. But something had been on the tip of his tongue right then, when they once again faced each other with the knowledge that death was coming for them. Whatever it was, he pushed it aside. There was no time for that sort of thing.

 

He shook his head and squeezed his fists, frustrated, again, at the helplessness of his situation. He should be out there helping, not trapped here in this bed. The only bright spot was that before his meal, Veera had done a prick test on his legs – poking him with a sharp probe – and he'd very clearly felt each and every prick. His sensation was back. Still no movement, but a huge leap over where he'd been yesterday.

 

But sensation wouldn't get him out of this bed. It wouldn't get him back into the fight. He pounded the bed at his sides. He needed to _do_ something, damn it!

 

Veera strode up to him. “We've got time to do one more treatment before evac. We'll tank you once we're aboard ship.”

 

“Do the treatment, but I'm not evacuating, and I'm not spending any more time today in a bacta tank.”

 

Her shoulders slumped. “I thought you might feel that way. Are you sure?”

 

“I'm sure. And – let me help. Put me in a float chair and give me something to do! Please.”

 

She looked thoughtful for a moment. “I have something in mind. But your treatment first. Then we'll see if you're up to it.”

 

She brought over a medical droid and reclined his bed back to flat. He grit his teeth and clenched his fists through the next round of injections and electrodes. He felt tired, after, as usual, but not as tired as with other rounds. Either he was getting stronger, or the urgency of the situation was giving him stamina. Either way, he'd take it.

 

Once he was sitting back up, he nodded at her. “I'm okay. I can do this. Please.”

 

A minute later she came back with a float chair. “This isn't the ideal circumstance to teach you how to use this thing, but I don't think we can wait for ideal circumstances right now.”

 

She lowered one arm of the chair and helped him scoot off the bed and onto the chair. After clicking the arm back up she put a blanket over his lap to cover his bare legs beneath his medical gown, and then ran him through the basic controls. “Now, follow me. We've got lots of cabinets of medicines and supplies to empty. You can reach most of them by using your up and down controls. You can start filling crates for us.”

 

Soon enough he had an inventory list on a data pad in his hand, and a crate in his lap to fill with vials of medicine. It wasn't much, but it was better than lying there waiting for the end to come.

 

For now, this would be enough.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi and Tehma were quickly swept up in the controlled chaos of the evacuation. They loaded crates, then loaded crates onto ships, then moved more crates around – whatever anyone who seemed to have authority told them to do.

 

Bodhi occasionally caught glimpses of Jyn doing similar work, but their paths didn't cross.

 

It didn't matter. He didn't have much to say, right now.

 

The plans were here. The plans Galen had given his life to tell the Rebellion about. And within hours his trap within the Death Star would be triggered, or they would all be dead. Either way, the journey Galen set him on would finally be done.

 

He should have tried harder to save him. Galen deserved to be here. He deserved to see his plans come to fruition.

 

Bodhi clenched his teeth and tried to push the thoughts and memories aside. There was no time for this now. He'd have to mourn another day. If he had any more days.

 

After four or five hours of hard work, Bodhi was shocked when Chief Hafnor tracked him down. “Rook – you're a cargo pilot, right?”

 

“Y-yes. I'm a pilot. A cargo pilot.”

 

“Right.” Hafnor gave him a curt nod. “All the combat certified pilots are prepping for the assault on the Death Star, so we need every non-combat pilot we can get to start shuttling supplies and personnel up to the ships prepping for evac. We need you to suit up. Yavi – show him where the flight prep room is and get him outfitted, then take him out to LP 10. We'll have a shuttle and a destination ready for you when you get there.”

 

Before Bodhi had a chance to object, Hafnor was gone.

 

“But – but I don't want to leave. I don't want to run from this,” Bodhi said.

 

Tehma nodded, and grabbed his arm, presumably to lead him to the flight prep room. “Come on. The faster we get you off-world the faster you can get back.”

 

Get back. Yes. That's what he'd do. He'd tell them he had orders to come back for another load. He had to be here for the end, whatever that end turned out to be.

 

It was time to stop running.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Half-way through the day Jyn noticed Bodhi, in a full flight suit, boarding a shuttle full of munitions and ground troops. She was glad he was getting away. He hadn't asked for any of what had happened to him, and he deserved the chance to start a new life somewhere safe.

 

Jyn continued her work of loading all available shuttles until there were no more shuttles to load. After a hasty meal, she returned to the hangar to find a few of the shuttles back for a second load. She blinked in surprise when she saw Bodhi once more in the hangar, back at work.

 

“Hey,” she caught his attention as he was loading a pallet. “I thought you got away? What are you doing back?”

 

He stood up straight and looked down at her with greater determination than she'd ever seen in him before. “I'm staying. You're not the only one who wants to see this through to the end. Galen gave me this mission. He gave it to me! And – and I'm not leaving.”

 

Jyn's breath shook in her throat. She'd had a few chances over the past few days when she could have asked Bodhi more about her father. Bodhi was the only person who really knew the Galen Erso that she encountered on that landing platform on Eadu. He was the only one who might be able to tell her who her father really was. But she'd avoided asking. A part of her didn't want to know. Didn't want to think of him as a real man with real failings. He was the man who died to sabotage the most deadly weapon ever built. That was how she wanted to remember him.

 

But Bodhi... Bodhi _knew_ him. Galen had been real to him. And she still didn't know how to feel about that.

 

“He was important to you – my father – wasn't he?” she asked softly.

 

Bodhi's eyes flicked down to the ground, and he nodded. “Yeah. Yeah. He was.”

 

Jyn still wasn't sure she wanted to know more. “I'm sorry. I... I should have been mourning him with you. So much has happened, I just...” She shook her head, at a loss for words.

 

“May – maybe when this is all over, we can mourn him properly. Together.” Bodhi met her eyes, and for the first time she let herself recognize the pain of loss that she saw in them. It was good, she realized. It was good that there was someone else left in the galaxy who could feel the pain of Galen's death. Someone else who'd cared about him.

 

Her father deserved that.

 

“Okay. We'll do that. When this is all done.” They held each others' eyes for a moment, and then Jyn gestured back to the pallet. “Shall we?”

 

Bodhi nodded, and together they turned to their work. She could think about loftier things later. Right now, there was other ways for her to help.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian sat back in his bed. Veera had insisted on doing one final treatment before she and the other non-emergency medical personnel boarded an evac shuttle, and it had left him drained.

 

He was exhausted. There was nothing left for him to do. And, based on the last base-wide broadcast, the Death Star was still more than an hour away.

 

What was left? He had no idea.

 

Only one doctor and a team of four emergency medics had remained behind. He was the only patient left in the medbay.

 

The wait was agonizing. He was going to go out of his mind.

 

Cassian had been expecting death for years, now. It lurked around every corner every time he went on a mission. But he was supposed to face it on his feet with a blaster in his hand. Not trapped in a bed. Not like this.

 

One of the medics switched on a monitor that displayed a count-down. The time until the Death Star would be within firing range. Sixty-three minutes. Sixty-three minutes left to imagine his death over and over again.

 

He clenched his teeth and closed his eyes. Maybe he'd have been better off in bacta, after all. Then he wouldn't have to face this wait.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn, Bodhi, and Yavi stood watching the final evac shuttle soar away. The Imperial fighters were too close to risk anymore flights. Now it was up to the Rebel Fighter Squadrons. The fate of the entire Alliance was in their hands.

 

For the first time in her life, Jyn found herself wishing that she'd trained as a pilot. The helplessness of having to wait it out, hoping that one of them was good enough to make the shot, was unbearable. She'd lurked in the back of the pilots' briefing a few minutes ago. She had to see for herself the weakness her father built into the Death Star. A single exhaust-port shaft inside an exterior trench. That was it. One direct hit there, and the whole thing would blow.

 

It was genius. So innocuous that not one of the other engineers on the project had noticed the vulnerability.

 

It was also impossible. The Rebel fighters would have to get through a swarm of TIE fighters and station defenses to even come near the trench, let alone fly down it and take aim at one small exhaust port.

 

But the odds of getting the plans into Alliance hands had been equally impossible, and yet, here they were.

 

The Force hadn't failed her, yet. She had to cling faith, and hold onto hope. It was all they had left.

 

She looked around the hangar. All activity was now focused on prepping the fighter squadrons for battle. There was nothing more she could do, here.

 

As much as she wanted to stay – to watch from afar as the battle played out – there was somewhere else she needed to be.

 

“Bodhi, Tehma,” she said. “If you want to stay here and help, I understand. But I need to go be with Cassian. He shouldn't have to be alone right now.”

 

They nodded. As she started to turn, Bodhi stepped toward her and rested a hand on her shoulder.

 

“Jyn?”

 

She looked up to meet his soulful eyes.

 

“Your father,” Bodhi said. “He would have been glad that we had a chance to work together. To be friends. That would have made him happy.”

 

Jyn's throat closed up and tears filled her eyes. She nodded, unable to find words. Instead she flung her arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. He hugged her back, and, for a moment, it felt like finding the family she'd been looking for her whole life. Here he was. She just didn't know how much longer they would have.

 

She sniffed back her tears and stepped away. “May the Force be with you, Bodhi.”

 

“And you. May the Force be with you.”

 

She nodded, and strode away, unsure if this would be the last time she'd ever see him.

 

The corridors on the way to the medbay were eerily quiet. Everyone who could get away already had, and those who hadn't were mostly clustered around the hangars and the briefing room. The rest of the place felt as empty as these ziggurats must have been when the rebels first moved in.

 

The whoosh of the medbay door felt far too loud, and the eyes of every medbay worker turned to stare at her when she walked in. They were standing in a nervous cluster, and had clearly been staring up at the monitor displaying a count-down to the end. But their gazes were of no interest to her. Her eyes locked on the single bed across the room that still had a patient in it. Cassian was sitting up, and his whole face lit up as she walked toward him.

 

Her looked at her in a way that no one had ever looked at her before. She'd had her fair share of people look at her with lust or desire, and quite a few more look at her with a clear aim to use or exploit her.

 

But Cassian – he looked at her like she mattered. Like she was the one person in the galaxy that he would do anything for.

 

She felt more tears rising, and fought them down. How could she still feel so full after spending the last week giving everything she had?

 

“I was beginning to think you'd left,” he said softly when she reached him.

 

“Never,” she replied, taking his hand. “We're getting out of this together or not at all, remember?”

 

He nodded, still giving her that look that overwhelmed her. He tugged on her to sit down beside him on the bed, and then leaned on her shoulder, letting his forehead rest against her cheek. “If this hour is all I have left in my life, I'm glad I get to spend it with you.”

 

This time there was no stopping the tear that rolled down her cheek.

 

She wanted more time. _Force, please give me more time._ She wrapped an arm around him and held tight. “Me too.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

The comm traffic of the fighter squadrons was broadcast through the hangar, so all the support crew could know what to expect.

 

Bodhi paced restlessly up and down the side of the hangar, waiting. Waiting for an end – an answer – an epiphany. Anything.

 

Eleven minutes left.

 

A smoking and sputtering y-wing glided in for a landing, and a repair crew immediately swarmed over it, doing all in their power to get it back into the fight. A minute later a damaged x-wing followed, and another repair crew jumped into action.

 

Two minutes later a third x-wing rolled into the hangar, smoking from both engines. This time Bodhi ran in to join the repair crew. He'd be damned if he was spending his last six minutes of life pacing when he could be helping, instead.

 

He spent a minute passing tools and replacement wires to the repair techs when a woman ran up beside him and skidded to a halt. It was Mayris Droon – his attacker.

 

She paused, her mouth hanging open. “What the hell are _you_ doing here? I thought you ran on one of the evac shuttles.”

 

He frowned. Enough was enough. “I sacrificed everything – _everything –_ to bring that battle station down. I'm not running. This is my fight as much as it is yours.”

 

She eyed him warily for a moment, and then nodded. “Okay, then. Give me a boost up. I need to reboot the targeting computer.”

 

He leaned down and offered her his cupped hands. She stepped on with one boot, and he boosted her up to the wing so she could scramble into the cockpit.

 

Then he went back to work.

 

With four minutes left, he stepped back and watched the x-wing once again take flight.

 

Beside him stood Tehma and Mayris.

 

Tehma nodded. “Lets go outside. I'd rather die with the open air above my head than stuck here in this hangar.”

 

Without question, Bodhi and Mayris followed him outside and stared up at the silhouette of the Death Star hanging in the sky above them. Bodhi felt Tehma take his hand, and glanced over to see that Tehma was also holding Mayris's hand on his other side.

 

“I'm glad we're here, together,” Bodhi said. “Jedha's last stand.”

 

They both nodded.

 

“Me too,” Mayris murmured. “I don't hate you, Bodhi Rook. I'm sorry.”

 

“So am I,” he replied. And together, they watched the sky.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian and Jyn hadn't spoken much while they waited. He leaned against her, holding her close, letting her strength hold him up just as it had on Scarif. There was too much to say, and no words to say it with, so they both stayed silent.

 

Now, as the final minutes ticked down, he let himself ponder all that had happened over the past week and a half, and how profoundly the galaxy was changing as a result. All because of scientist who found the courage to hide a trap under his overseers' noses, a pilot who'd found the courage to carry that message, and this extraordinary woman who'd lit the fire to do something about it all.

 

In many ways Cassian felt as if he'd merely been carried along in the wave that the Ersos and Bodhi set in motion. And here he still was, at the end of it all, privileged to stay by her side.

 

Was it possible to love someone after just a week? Was that how it happened for other people? He'd like to imagine that falling in love with someone felt like this. This was how it ought to feel.

 

He was glad he'd been given the chance to experience this before the end. He never dreamed he'd be so lucky.

 

As the sirens began to blare the count-down of their final minute, he gave up waiting for success. They'd done what they could. Now he could only hope that those who had escaped would find a way to carry on. A way to keep the dream of freedom alive.

 

His part in this story was over.

 

“Thank you,” Jyn murmured into his shoulder.

 

“For what?” he said, mystified.

 

“I'd gone so long thinking I couldn't believe in anything but myself. You changed that. You helped me believe, again. I'll always... I...” Her voice cracked with emotion.

 

He pulled her closer, burying his face in the curve of her neck. “It's okay. I understand. I understand you.”

 

She squeezed him tighter than anyone had ever held him before. And together, they waited.

 

Suddenly, the sirens stopped.

 

Cassian held his breath as silence settled over them. The seconds ticked by.

 

Jyn let out a shaking breath. “What's happening?”

 

“I don't know.”

 

A few more seconds passed. Then the base speaker system crackled to life. “The Death Star has been destroyed. I repeat, our forces succeeded. The Death Star has been destroyed.”

 

The medics burst out cheering.

 

Cassian could hardly believe his ears. It couldn't be true, could it?

 

Jyn pulled back from him, her eyes wide with disbelief. “I have to – I have to see it. I have to –”

 

He understood. “Go.”

 

She stumbled to her feet and gave his hand one last squeeze before turning and running out of the medbay.

 

Cassian leaned back and rubbed his face with his hands.

 

The whole galaxy had just changed. Nothing would ever be the same again.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi let the tears run down his cheeks as he stared up at the ball of fire and debris in the sky. He squeezed Tehma's hand so tight his fingers hurt.

 

They'd done it.

 

“This is yours, Galen,” he murmured. “This is yours.”

 

“Who's Galen?” Mayris asked, her eyes also shining with tears. “Was he family?”

 

Bodhi shook his head. “No. He was –” He was the man who'd used him and manipulated him. The man who'd devoted his life to building a flaw into that giant weapon. The man who'd never stopped aching for the loss of his family. The man with the brain of an engineering genius who spoke like a poet and had stars in his eyes. The man who'd held him close and kissed him more tenderly than any lover had before. The man who broke his heart and gave him a new purpose all in one night.

 

“He was the man I loved,” Bodhi finally said. “He died for this. This is his gift to all of us.”

 

He turned his eyes back to the sky, and stared at Galen's gift until the sky grew too dark to see.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn stood at the edge of the landing pad at stared up at the glorious destruction in the sky.

 

Her father did this. He did this, and he never lived to see it.

 

She should be celebrating – joining in the cheers and songs. But all she could feel was the ache of loss in her heart.

 

Turning away from the view of their success, she made her way back to the medbay. Back to Cassian.

 

Tears were already rolling down her cheeks when she reached him.

 

“Jyn.” He said her name like a prayer.

 

“It's over,” she said. Then a sob rose in her chest, and her shoulders began to shake.

 

Cassian pulled her down beside him, and held her close while she cried.

 

 

 

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The choice of quote should be obvious this time. It sums up how each of my main trio were feeling at various points during this chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The survivors of Scarif begin to assess what they have left of their lives now that the Death Star is gone. Jyn talks to a ghost and gives Bodhi a gift. Cassian gets some news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: in this chapter and the next few, Cassian's pov will include some ableist language. I don't like it, but it fits his mental and emotional state in these chapters.

> “And just like that, it's over. We tend to our wounded. We count our dead.”
> 
> _Yorktown_ , Lin Manuel Miranda's Hamilton
> 
>  

 

The whole night passed in a dream-like blur for Jyn. She must have fallen asleep in Cassian's arms because she was startled awake when the entire medical staff – patients in tow – returned to from whatever ship they'd escaped on and piled back into the medbay all at once. As soon as some semblance of order was established, Dr. Garra and Veera came to take Cassian away from her. She held his hand through his treatment, but then had to step aside while they moved him back into a bacta tank.

 

At a loss, she discovered that Rostok had returned. She wandered over to his bedside. “It's over. I can hardly believe it's over,” she said.

 

He grunted. “It's never over.” He shook his head. “What's the fucking point, anymore? Why'd we even come back? Another fleet'll be after us in a week or two. It's never going to be over.”

 

The look on his face frightened her. Had her father looked like that, after losing her and her mother? And how had he managed to keep going in spite of it all? “Serchill...” She floundered for something comforting to say.

 

He waved her off. “I can't. I can't do this right now, Erso. I just can't.”

 

He clearly needed help, but in her exhausted state she was in no position to do anything. She'd have to talk to Dr. Garra about it tomorrow. She wandered back to her bed beside Cassian's empty alcove and curled up. At some point, she fell asleep.

 

She was jogged awake again when a medic floated Cassian's bed back into place. He was asleep. From a glance at the nearest clock she saw he'd only been in bacta for two hours. It was still the middle of the night.

 

After the medic left she stood on wobbly legs and manged to pull the curtains closed around Cassian's bed before lying down beside him. Though his eyes never opened he hummed a contented sound and shifted slightly so she could settle into the crook of his arm. With the feeling of his heartbeat steady under her palm on his chest, she fell back asleep.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi's mouth was dry and his eyes scratchy when he woke from a troubled sleep. He didn't remember the details of his dream, but Galen had been there, and Jyn, and Chirrut. They all seemed to want something from him, but none of them had managed to explain what it was.

 

He sighed and stretched. Somehow he and Tehma had managed to find the room in the barracks that he'd been assigned to. It was a bunk room built to house eight, with four sets of bunk beds. But last night he, Tehma and Mayris had been the only ones to sleep there. Somehow, over the course of the night, Tehma had succeeded in converting Mayris to his idea of gathering Jedhans together to start some grand Jedhan future together. Bodhi was hazy on the details of how he'd done it. In spite of his youth, Tehma had proved himself to be very charismatic – it was hard not to get caught up in his enthusiasm. Mayris, who looked to be about Bodhi's age, had been as quick to follow him as Bodhi had been. It left him wondering how many more Jedhan refugees Tehma would manage to attract over the course of the weeks and months to come.

 

Bodhi rolled out of his bunk. Tehma and Mayris were both still sound asleep. He didn't want to disturb them, so he quietly slipped out and headed for the mess hall.

 

He was up early, and the night had been a late one for nearly everyone on base – especially those who returned after the hasty evacuation. Barely anyone was in the mess, and only one human worker was behind the counter, with a few droids for assistance. The resulting breakfast was a tasteless porridge and sliced fruit. It would do – he'd had worse at out-of-the-way Imperial outposts.

 

He sat by himself, slowly chewing his food. He felt drained, like his emotions had been put through a sieve a few times and only the thinned out slurry of them had been poured back inside his head.

 

He was nearly done with his food when Tehma and Mayris walked in. He stood, blinking in surprise. “I'm sorry – did I wake you when I left? I tried to be quiet.”

 

“Don't worry about it,” Tehma said, shaking his head. “I'm an early riser.” He headed for the food line.

 

Mayris stepped up to Bodhi. “Come get caf with me.” She led him to the side counter with the caf pots and mugs. She lowered his voice. “You didn't wake us up. Tehma woke up screaming. Must have been a nightmare. He wouldn't talk about it.” She finished pouring her caf and looked up at Bodhi. “What really happened on Scarif? There's all sorts of rumors, but no one seems to know the whole story.”

 

“We died.” The answer slipped out of his mouth without any thought. Though not technically true, it felt true. “Started with a team of more than thirty. Only five of us came back. Of the five, only three are out of the medbay. And none of us are really...” He took a deep breath. How to explain this? “None of us are the same people we were before our mission started. I think the man I used to be died on Jedha, before Cassian rescued me. And Jyn – I think she died on Eadu. I didn't know Tehma before Scarif, but you did. He's not the man he was before, is he?”

 

Mayris shook her head and she stirred sweetener into her caf. “No. He's not.”

 

Bodhi sighed and poured his own cup of caf, adding a liberal pour of milk to dilute the bitter brew. “We died. All of us. And the bits of us that came back are still trying to figure who we are now that we aren't ourselves anymore.” He shook his head. “That probably didn't make any sense. Sorry.”

 

“It's okay. It think I get it. Kind of.” She paused. “Were you really there on Jedha when – when it happened?”

 

He closed his eyes, the sight of the landscape rising vertically behind him – crumbling over his head – filled his mind. He shuddered. “Yeah. I was.”

 

Mayris nodded slowly, but said nothing.

 

They headed back to join Tehma at the table. He chattered jovially about all the work they'd have to do over the next few weeks now that the Empire knew where they were. Bodhi let him talk. If Tehma's way of coping with his trauma was babbling, he would let the kid babble. He'd earned that right.

 

~ ~ ~

 

An uncomfortable pressure on Cassian's upper arm gradually roused him from sleep. He opened his eyes to find Jyn, flopped onto her stomach, with her arm flung across his chest and her chin digging into the by-now-aching spot on his arm. He had to smile.

 

He had no doubt that Jyn hadn't started the night on her stomach, and the fact that her tossing and turning hadn't woken him told him how exhausted he must have been. The fact that Jyn had chosen to crawl into his very narrow bed rather than staying in her own told him something else.

 

She wasn't a person who trusted easily – he'd known that much from the start. But she trusted him.

 

He wasn't so confident as to presume that this trust – this affection – indicated that she might care for him with the same intensity that he cared for her. (Love. He'd let himself think that word last night. Why did it feel so terrifying this morning?) But it was enough to give him hope. To make him think that the kiss they'd shared the day after returning from Scarif hadn't just been an outlet of all the built-up tension from their mission.

 

Maybe the future he'd let himself fantasize after that kiss was still possible. After last night, anything felt possible.

 

Slowly he worked to shift his arm, trying to relieve the jabbing pressure.

 

Jyn grunted, whole body twitching, and her fingers dug into his chest. “What? What?” she muttered groggily.

 

“Sorry,” he said as she lifted her head and shifted her body, rolling to her side to face him, and propping herself up on her arm. “I didn't mean to wake you.” At the sight of the sleepy smile on her face he decided to try something new – teasing. “It's just that your chin is ridiculously sharp. Can you open ration-cans with that thing?”

 

She snorted and rolled her eyes. “Ha ha. So you're a joker when you're not living under the constant threat of death, are you?”

 

He shrugged and grinned up at her. “I'm just... happy.” He'd had far too few occasions to feel happy in his life. He was going to enjoy this one for as long as he could.

 

More than half her hair had come loose from her bun, and she brushed it back with her fingers, tucking the long strands behind her ears. “Happy looks good on you.”

 

He took a deep breath, trying to slow his racing heart. Thoughts of love had felt so easy when he believed they were about to die in each other's arms. But today, lying next to her, very much alive with every reason to believe they would stay that way for a considerable amount of time, he had to determine what to do next. How did a person go from _falling_ in love to _living_ in love? Especially when he wasn't sure if she shared his feelings?

 

This was a situation he'd never faced before, and he had no idea how to handle it.

 

He smiled, mentally fumbling in his search for what to say next.

 

And then she reached up to brush his hair back from his face and trailed her fingers down his cheek, combing them through the stubble that was rapidly turning into a full-fledged beard. “Thank you for taking care of me, last night.”

 

“I –” His words wouldn't come. The way she was looking at him... “You're welcome.”

 

The moment stretched on, and still he had no idea what to say. Instead he shifted his body, trying to get more comfortable in the bed he'd been trapped in for far too long.

 

Jyn's eyes went wide. “You just moved your leg.”

 

“I did?” he hadn't even noticed.

 

“Yes!” She gripped his arm and rested her other hand on his leg.

 

He stared in wonder. “I can feel you touching me. Yesterday I had to be jabbed with a needle to feel it. But I feel you!” Nothing had ever felt so good.

 

Her fingers curved to squeeze his thigh, sending a warm thrill through his belly.

 

“Try moving it again,” she said.

 

He nodded. Propping himself on his elbows so he could stare down at his legs, he tried to bend his knees.

 

Both legs gave a slight twitch. It wasn't much, but it was real. He was moving. He grinned. “I did it. It's happening.”

 

Jyn stared at him with shining eyes. “You're getting better. You're going to be alright.”

 

He recognized what she was doing – leaning toward him – a split second before her lips pressed against his.

 

His head fell back to his pillow, and she followed. Her lips dragged over his with enthusiasm, and he wrapped his arm around her back, pulling her body close, letting the warmth of arousal flow through him. She responded in kind, draping her leg across his and grinding against him. He felt a rough grunt escaping his lips as he tangled his fingers in her hair and deepened their kiss.

 

His entire body burned, and his heart swelled inside of him. He wanted to do this forever – every day for the rest of his life. He'd never wanted anyone the way he wanted Jyn.

 

The curtain around his bed pulled open. “Good morn – oh!”

 

Jyn rolled off of him and landed on her feet standing beside him faster than he imagined possible.

 

Veera stood blinking in embarrassment, a red flush on her cheeks. Cassian suddenly became painfully aware of the fact that an appendage other than his legs was also working again, and just as painfully aware that he still had a catheter. He wrinkled his blanket, doing his best to hide his body's response to what they'd just been doing, and winced at the way Veera was clearly pretending not to notice.

 

“I apologize, I didn't mean to –”

 

“It's okay,” Cassian muttered, trying not to meet her eyes. He really needed to get back into his own quarters.

 

Jyn shifted from foot to foot, looking just as uncomfortable as he felt. “He moved his legs,” she burst out with no preamble.

 

“That's wonderful news!” Veera replied, beaming.

 

Thank the Force for the timely change of subject. Cassian finally found the presence of mind to push the button that electronically propped his bed into a sitting position. That did a bit more to hide his problem, though he could tell it would soon vanish on its own.

 

“Do you think this means he'll be walking soon?” Jyn asked.

 

“It's too early to say for sure,” Veera said, “But we'll certainly begin physical therapy to rebuild your strength as soon as we've assessed the extent of your capabilities. And Dr. Garra wants one more day of treatments before we let up.”

 

Cassian smiled and shook his head in disbelief. Everything had changed so quickly – was he really going to be okay? It seemed too good to be true. “I'm ready. Lets get these final treatments done. I'm ready to get out of here.”

 

“Yes, I'm sure you are,” Veera replied with a smile. “I'll fetch you some breakfast, and then we'll get started.”

 

Jyn was glowing after Veera left, and seemed as if she had no intention of going anywhere. However, given the uniform she now wore, she didn't have the luxury of staying with him in the medbay anymore. “Jyn – you've got to go to work.”

 

“To work?”

 

He shrugged, amused. “You're not a thief anymore – you're a soldier. And soldiers have duties. They follow orders. And I'm guessing there's a lot of work to do today.”

 

She frowned. “Damn. I forgot about that part.” She glared down at her new rank insignia as if she could cow it into submission.

 

“I'll be fine. I'm used to this life. And I'm going to make sure you get used to it, too. They may not have given us the welcome back that we'd hoped for, but things have been set straight. This is home for both of us, now.” He paused. “Well – I hope it is.”

 

Jyn offered him a tight-lipped smile. “It will be. I'm working on it.”

 

“And I'll be here to help. _After_ you've finished your duty shift for the day.”

 

“Yes _sir_ ,” she teased, her eyes shining.

 

After she left he sank back against his pillow. Nothing would make him happier than to see Jyn learning to fit in. He wanted her to be content here. But it made him want to curse in frustration that he couldn't be a part of that. He couldn't be there to show her the ropes and introduce her to people he knew she'd like. There was so much he wanted to show her and tell her – so much he wanted to do with her. But he was still stuck here in this bed.

 

He wanted to be excited about his progress, but it still felt so minuscule in comparison to what he could do before his injury. Would one more day of treatments really make that huge of a difference? Or was he misunderstanding the process? Perhaps the treatments would get things going, but only physical therapy would finish the process. He'd have to talk to the doctor. Now that he was no longer facing either criminal charges or death, he needed to start planning for his future. He had to know what was coming next.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Once again Jyn, Bodhi and Tehma were assignment to Chief Hafnor. The entire base needed a short-term resupply to last them until the permanent evacuation (Hafnor estimated it would happen in ten days, though it could be as soon as a week). Bodhi and Tehma seemed happy enough with the task. In spite of the dark bruise under his eye, he told Jyn that he and his attacker were now friends. Jyn should have guessed that no one could stay angry with Bodhi. It was utterly impossible.

 

She did her best to keep her head down and do her job, but everywhere they went someone accosted them with some sort of congratulations, or demanded a taste of the story of how they stole the plans, or both at once. Yesterday they'd been pariahs, today they were heroes. Jyn didn't care for either status.

 

Fortunately there was another pair of heroes to help distract people from her and her team. All over the base there were murmurs about the young pilot who rescued Princess Leia and went on to destroy the Death Star. Skywalker, they called him. And apparently Solo had stuck around for the battle, after all, providing Skywalker with cover fire during his triumphant run at the exhaust-port. Everyone seemed to marvel over a farm boy from Tatooine rescuing a princess and dealing the death blow to their enemy. Rumors had already spread that he was some sort of apprentice Jedhi.

 

“He is – really,” one of the starfighter mechanics assured them after they delivered a load of parts to him. “I saw his lightsaber. He has it clipped to his belt.”

 

Jyn huffed. “I'll believe it when I see it.”

 

As they walked away to fetch their next load, Bodhi said, “It – it would have been nice if Skywalker would have had a chance to meet Chirrut. I think the guardians would have been happy to know a Jedi was here, helping the Rebellion.”

 

Jyn only rolled her eyes. As they started loading their float pallet she went in search of a missing crate, and jumped in surprise when she found Chirrut lounging against a stack of cargo.

 

This wasn't right. He'd been a hallucination brought on by grief and stress. She shouldn't be seeing him anymore.

 

He smiled at her. “Bodhi's right. I would have liked to meet this young Jedi. But the Force had other plans for us.”

 

Jyn clamped her teeth together and shook her head. “You're not real. It's all in my head.”

 

Chirrut sighed. “This would be so much easier if you'd accept the fact that I'm actually here. You haven't lost your mind, Jyn. You've opened it to the flow of the Force. That's why you can speak to me.”

 

He was getting more and more lifelike every time she saw him. And this certainly didn't _feel_ like a hallucination (she had her fair share during one very regrettable week on Kathol trying to gather rare artifacts for sale on the black market – she'd be damned if she ever went near that sector again) and this was nothing like that. She glared at him. “Fine. You say you're really here. So prove it.”

 

“Hmm. For a woman so in tune with the Force, you harbor an extraordinary amount of doubt,” he replied. “Not to worry. I have just the proof you're looking for. Baze and I were given temporary quarters while we stayed here for the night after leaving Jedha. We'd brought a few precious keepsakes with us – all that was left of our lives as guardians. Baze didn't want to risk their destruction, so he insisted on stashing them in a box under his bed before we left on the mission. I'll tell you where to find it, and then you'll see for yourself.”

 

She listened carefully as Chirrut gave her a series of directions to reach their old guest quarters. It was absurd, really. But she couldn't help it – she had to know.

 

She wolfed down her food at lunch, and then left the others to follow Chirrut's directions on her own. She arrived at the door of some standard quarters. Just in case, she knocked. When no one answered, she decided it was safe to take a look inside. The room was empty. Two single beds had been pushed together in the center of the room, and the covers were slightly rumpled.

 

She bit lightly on her bottom lip. Was this where Chirrut and Baze had spent their final night together? She felt a lump rise in her throat. Following Chirrut's instructions she knelt beside the right hand bed, and looked underneath. There, just as Chirrut had described, sat a small plastic box.

 

Jyn pulled it out and sat on the edge of the bed, putting the box in her lap. From the markings on it, the box had once contained the exact kind of ammunition that Baze used to load his cannon.

 

She let out a slow breath. This was really happening, wasn't it?

 

Carefully she unsealed the lid. A small collection of objects sat in the bottom of the box. A data stick. A small leather-bound book. A single rough stone. Two small cloth pouches. She opened them one at a time and peered inside. Each seemed to hold a collection of kyber fragments.

 

“We were a bit sentimental in our old age.”

 

She blinked, but managed not to jump this time, at the sight of Chirrut sitting next to her.

 

“We didn't manage to save any whole crystals, but we each kept a pouch of fragments inside our pockets at all times, to remind us of what we lost when the Empire took our Temple from us.” He sat straight and tall, a slight smile on his face.

 

So he was really here. She coughed a little. “How, uh, how is this happening?”

 

Chirrut grinned. “Now that is the question of a woman who wants to believe. The Force still had a purpose for me. When I became one with the Force, I was prepared to accept its call.”

 

Jyn knew that the Jedi and other religious orders believed that the Force took an active and personal interest in the galaxy. She'd felt it happen when they got the plans, and again when Solo and Skywalker returned the plans to Yavin. But this was more than she'd ever imagined possible. “I –” She could hardly find the words to speak. Finally she settled on the right question to ask. “Baze. Is he still with you?”

 

Chirrut's smile was so full of tender affection that she knew his answer before he spoke. “He stuck by my side for nearly thirty years. Do you really think he'd leave me now?”

 

Jyn smiled back and shook her head. “No. I didn't.”

 

“He's here. But he was very tired, and never very fond of socializing. Now that he has the chance to rest, he prefers to let me do all the talking.” Chirrut chuckled. “Some things never change.”

 

“I'm glad. I'm happy for you.” She meant it. She'd met few people in her life as devoted to one another as the guardians. They deserved this reward, and she was happy that the Force had given it to them.

 

“What do you want me to do with it all?” she asked, looking down at the box.

 

“An excellent question,” Chirrut replied. “I want you to give these things to Bodhi. He won't understand right away. He's not quite ready. But these things will help set him on the right path. Tell him you thought they ought to go to him, as one of the few survivors of Jedha.”

 

“Alright. I'll do it.” She felt a twinge of regret, but it made sense. These things were some of the last remaining artifacts of Bodhi's culture. He deserved to have them.

 

“There is one thing here that I want you to have, though,” said Chirrut.

 

“Oh?”

 

“The stone,” he replied.

 

Jyn raised her eyebrows in confusion, and lifted the stone from the box. It fit easily in the palm of her hand, all rough edges, as if chipped from a larger block. “What is it?”

 

“It was knocked off of one of the temple walls. During our order's last stand against the invading storm troopers. Baze carried it from that day onward.”

 

“Really? I thought you'd be the more sentimental of your partnership.” Jyn turned it over in her hands, running her fingers along the bumpy edges.

 

Chirrut grinned. “You'd be surprised by the depth of Baze's feelings. He never told me why he carried that stone, but it reminds me of him, and also of you. Broken and battered, but still a testament to an enduring faith. Even the most scarred and cracked piece of this galaxy can be a tool in the hands of the Force. Just as he was. And just as you are.”

 

Jyn felt tears rising in her eyes, and blinked them back. That's what she felt like – cracked, scarred and broken. Could she really be a tool for the Force, in spite of it all?

 

“You already have been, little star,” Chirrut replied.

 

“How did you – ?” She turned her head to look at him, but he was already gone.

 

With a deep breath to calm her rattled emotions, Jyn closed the box, slipped the stone into her pocket, and left the room, locking it behind her. Let it stay the way it was even after the evacuation. She wanted some trace of the guardians to live on, even if it was nothing more than a pair of rumpled beds.

 

~ ~ ~

After Cassian's second treatment of the day, he was surprised by a visit from Bodhi and Yavi. The two seemed to have become good friends, and they brought a Jedhan computer tech along with them. He was glad for them – that they'd formed a small community of survivors to give each other comfort.

 

After their visit he felt a sensation that he hadn't experienced in several days, and when he reported it to Veera she was unreasonably delighted – he only needed to use the refresher. It's not like he was ready to stand up and walk.

 

Veera insisted that she needed to accompany him on his first trip since his injury. He winced as Veera finally removed the damned catheter (good riddance), and he managed to maneuver into the float chair on his own.

 

Once in the refresher, Veera gave him far too many instructions on how to get onto and off of the toilet, as well as how to clean himself. That was one of the things he hated the most about being trapped in the medbay – the constant humiliation. At least she pulled a curtain between them while he completed his business.

 

After he made it back into the chair, Veera began another lecture. “Gaining control over your bladder and bowels is an excellent sign of healing. It's clear that all of your internal nervous signals are kicking back in. And you seem to be on track for regaining full sexual function, as well.”

 

Cassian squeezed his lips together and looked away. He needed his own life back, damn it.

 

“I'm speaking as your nurse, now, I hope you understand. I'd be having this conversation with any patient in your position,” Veera clarified.

 

Cassian nodded and grunted in assent.

 

“How many erections have you had since your injury?”

 

He squeezed his eyes shut. When would this end? “One.”

 

“Did it seem to progress normally?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Wonderful news. During your rehabilitation phase you may have to experiment with different sexual positions in order to accommodate your more limited range of motion, but I'm pleased to report that you'll be able to resume normal sexual activities as soon as your course of treatment ends. That should be happy new for the two of you.” Veera beamed at him.

 

Cassian wished he could slither down the drain with the water. Anything to escape this conversation. “We're not... we haven't... I mean...”

 

Veera's face fell. “Sorry. Sorry. That was out of line. I apologize.” She quickly shifted back to his bowel and bladder functions, an only minimally less embarrassing topic, and rattled out a list of further things to watch for and instructions to follow. “And now that we're done with all that, we can get you out to your lunch before your final treatment,” she finished.

 

“Good.” He wanted to put this conversation behind him as quickly as possible.

 

Unfortunately, Veera seemed determined to get a final word in. She paused in front of the refresher door before opening it, and turned to face him. “Captain – Cassian. Can I speak with you as a friend for just a minute, instead of a nurse?”

 

This didn't bode well. But Veera had been a great help to all the Scarif survivors. He owed her a candid moment. “Okay.”

 

She took a breath. “I know that Jyn is a new recruit, but based on how close the two of you seemed, I'd assumed she'd been an intelligence contact of yours for a while before she was brought in. But after a few things the two of you have said over the past couple of days, I've started to realize that's not the case, is it?”

 

Wherever this was going, Cassian was pretty sure he wasn't going to like it. “No. I met her when she was brought in for the mission to find Bodhi.”

 

“How long ago was that?”

 

Cassian scanned his memories for a moment before coming up with an answer. “About nine days ago.”

 

He could feel a fresh wave of embarrassment coming over him. He was pretty sure he knew where Veera was going with this. “Look – we, uh, got close over the course of the mission. It happens that way, sometimes.” It seemed a flimsy explanation. It had never happened this way for him before. And of the few intelligence officers he knew of who'd had flings with assets, they'd always been fast and hot and over as quickly as they'd begun. But this was different, wasn't it?

 

“Look, Cassian, I shouldn't pry into whatever your relationship is with Jyn. But both of you have been through a great deal of trauma over the past week. I've seen this sort of thing before. Where patients coming off of traumatic experiences – especially those involving serious injury – cling to whatever source of hope or stability that they can find. And sometimes that's a romantic partner.” She shook her head. “I'm not saying that what you have isn't real, or that it won't work out. I just care about both of you, and don't want to see either of you get hurt. Maybe you should slow things down. Take your time to heal from your traumas before committing yourselves to a serious relationship. Make sure you both know exactly what you're getting into.” She raised her hands. “But this is just one outsider's advice. I mean it as a friend. Friends can be wrong sometimes, I know that. But trust me when I say I only want the best for both of you, and I'm trying to help.”

 

Cassian clenched his fist at his side. Everything she said made sense. Too much sense.

 

Was it possible that he was over-inflating his feelings for Jyn because of how she'd saved him? How she'd stood by him when things looked bleak?

 

He wanted to believe it was more than that. He'd started feeling things for her as early as Jedha.

 

But everything had happened so fast...

 

“Okay. It's – it's okay. Thank you. You've given me a lot to think about.”

 

She nodded, a sheepish smile on her face. “I know there's so much for you to process right now. It can't be easy. Just know that if you ever need a friend to talk to, I'm here. Okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

His thoughts wouldn't stop spinning over Veera's counsel during his lunch, and he was relieved when it was time for his final treatment and the peaceful oblivion of unconsciousness in bacta.

 

~ ~ ~

 

After a short visit with Cassian, Bodhi and Tehma had paid a visit to Rostok as well. Bodhi was worried about him. He seemed hollowed out and broken. He reminded Bodhi of how Noor had acted just after her husband's disappearance. But she'd had Pabo to keep her going. What did Rostok have? He decided to make it a point to visit him every day. To let him know that he wasn't alone.

 

After their shift ended, they met up with Mayris in the mess again. As they ate, she announced that she'd requested to be reassigned to the same barracks as them. “Us Jedhans need to stick together.”

 

“Damn straight,” Tehma replied with a grin.

 

“We'll be glad to have you,” Jyn added. “I won't be outnumbered by these boys, anymore.”

 

After dinner Jyn pulled him aside for a moment. “I'm going to visit Cassian in a minute. First I wanted to let you know that I left something for you on your bunk.”

 

“What is it?”

 

Jyn looked thoughtful for a moment before replying. “Baze and Chirrut left a box of keepsakes from Jedha behind before we left for Scarif. I'd forgotten about it until today. I went and found it, and I thought you should have it. It's a little bit of them, and a little bit of Jedha. It seems right to give it to you.”

 

Bodhi didn't know how to answer. Though he'd never said it out loud, watching the guardians die had been like watching Jedha destroyed all over again. “Thank you. Really.”

 

She squeezed his shoulder. “I hope it helps.”

 

He excused himself from his friends and made his way back to the barracks. A plastic ammo bin sat on his bunk. He opened it and sifted through the contents.

 

Two little bags of kyber fragments. Those must have been from the temple.

 

A data stick. He plugged it into his data pad, and discovered that it contained the text of two books – _The Journal of the Whills_ and _Mysteries of the Temple._ The two foundational texts of the order of the Guardians of the Whills. Both books banned in the Empire. No wonder they'd kept this chip close to them.

 

The leather book was another treasure. _The Meditations of the Whills._ It was filled with a series of simple prayers – meditations – designed to bring a faithful worshiper into a state of greater oneness with the Force. And even more rare, with every turn of the page Bodhi found a prayer written in beautiful calligraphy and, on the facing page, lines filled with raised bumps. Touch writing – for the blind. This book must have been Chirrut's greatest treasure.

 

Bodhi felt as if he was holding the weight of the Temple in his hands. Setting aside all thoughts of returning to his friends, he turned to the first prayer in the book, and began to read.

 

~ ~ ~

 

After Cassian's final hours in bacta, Dr. Garra put him through a series of tests. She checked the level of sensation up and down his legs and on his feet, and then had him push his feet, one at a time, against her hand as hard as he could. He couldn't muster much pressure, but the fact that he could managed to push at all felt like a huge victory. However, the look on Dr. Garra's face was less than reassuring. She sent him to the scanning room for a full range of nerve scans.

 

Even after his scans were done the doctor stayed in her office for a while analyzing them. Cassian felt twitchy with anticipation. What was going on?

 

Garra wore a smile on her face when she finally came to talk to him, but it wasn't a smile of victory. Something was wrong. She was trying to soften the blow.

 

What was wrong?

 

“Captain, I have some news.”

 

He nodded. “Get on with it.”

 

She squared her shoulders, a sympathetic look in her eyes. “You had a one day gap in your treatment, and later another half-day gap. I'd hoped that we could make up for that lost time. However, if the treatments had been completely successful you would have been able to put your full weight on your feet with the help of crutches, by now. Clearly, that's not the case.”

 

Cassian closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He should be standing by now. Shit. Shit shit shit shit.

 

He looked at the doctor again. “Go on.”

 

She nodded. “The detailed scan revealed a systematic degradation of smaller nerve clusters all through your lower spine. We were too late to reverse the permanent atrophy. But here's the good news – based on the level of degradation, it's practically a miracle that you have nearly full sensation restored. It's a sign that the treatments helped re-route some of your functionality through your undamaged nerves. Between that and the level of pressure you were able to exert today, I have full confidence that with time and physical therapy you will be able to walk with the aid of crutches or power-assist leg braces. And over time you may build up your strength and coordination to the point where you can walk or stand for short periods completely unaided. We _will_ get you back on your feet. I promise you that.”

 

Cassian didn't give a damn for her promises. Those key words stuck in his mind like metal splinters in a wound. Crutches. Braces. Short periods.

 

He needed to cut to the heart of things. “Will I ever be able to serve in the field again?” He held her gaze, even as she offered a sad frown.

 

“Captain – the sooner you come to understand and accept your new limitations, the sooner you'll be able to heal not just physically, but emotionally. You will be able to serve on bases or ships in administrative positions. But you will never have the physical capability to return to field duty. I'm sorry.”

 

When she said she was sorry, he believed her. But that changed nothing.

 

He was broken. A cripple. Good for nothing but whatever menial desk job they could dig up for him.

 

What was he going to do? How was he going to go on with his life? What good was he if he couldn't do the work he'd devoted his whole life to?

 

His chest and throat were tight with pain. He didn't know what to do.

 

“If you'd like, I'll give you a little privacy to process all this,” said Dr. Garra.

 

He nodded, and she stepped away, pulling his curtains closed around his bed.

 

More than ever, the bed felt like a prison. One he would never truly escape.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the opening quote to emphasize how no victory comes without a high price – especially when that victory is near the beginning of a longer conflict, as the survivors of the Rebellion are finding. This was originally part of a much longer chapter, but it turned into such a behemoth that I split it in half. I'll post the follow-up in a day or two. Then there will probably be a 2 week break while I tend to other projects that I've been neglecting. 
> 
> And if that ending shocked any of you, let me point out that physical disability has been in the tags right from the start. You were warned. Sorry. :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian struggles to cope with his disability. Jyn confronts the person responsible, and makes some decisions about her future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: more ableist language. My characters will grow out of it eventually. Sorry!

> “Dying is easy, young man. Living is harder.”
> 
> _Right Hand Man_ , Lin Manuel Miranda's _Hamilton_
> 
>  

 

 

Only a few minutes had passed since Dr. Garra's news turned Cassian's life upside down.

 

He sat with a tight chest, staring at the white curtains around his bed. His mind struggled to accept the reality of what had happened to him.

 

This wasn't how it was supposed to work. He'd always known it. He would die out in the field, on his feet, fighting until the end. Or in an enemy cell, taking the hidden poison pill supplied to all intelligence operatives.

 

Those were the only two options. They had been the only options for nearly a decade.

 

Death after wasting away at a desk, or death after hunkering down on a ship, waiting for the inevitable enemy attack from the void of space, had never even occurred to him as possibilities.

 

Maybe it would have been better if Jyn left him on Scarif.

 

He ran his fingers through his hair. No. He couldn't think like that. He couldn't blame her. He would have done the same in her position.

 

His mind continued to swirl, contemplating the impossible future that had become his reality.

 

A moment later the curtain parted, and Jyn stepped inside. “Cassian?” Already she wore a look of concern on her face. “Veera said you had some hard news. What is it? I want to help.”

 

He wasn't ready for this. He couldn't face her, yet. Not when his mind was so muddled. Everything he'd dared to hope over the past few days now seemed pointless. Jyn was an unstoppable force. How could he ever expect her to slow down for his sake?

 

“I – just.” He took a deep breath. The sooner he could get out the news, the sooner he could get her to leave him alone. “The gaps in my treatment led to permanent nerve damage. I'll probably be able to walk with crutches, but I'll never be able to do fieldwork again.”

 

Her eyes went wide. “Cassian! Kriffing hell. I – this is – I...”

 

He shook his head. The last thing he wanted from her was pity or sympathy. “I can't talk about this, yet, Jyn. Please – I need some time to myself. I have to think this through. Can you please give me some space?”

 

She nodded, her eyes shining with welling tears. Fuck – he couldn't deal with her crying for him. It was too much.

 

“Please leave!”

 

She slipped out without another word.

 

Maybe he'd been too harsh.

 

It didn't matter. He was a cripple. He couldn't expect her to feel anything other than pity for him once she got over the shock.

 

He desperately wished for a familiar, sardonic voice to spout a ridiculous statistic of the likelihood that he'd defy the odds and make it back out into the field. No matter how low the odds, it would have been enough to give him hope.

 

But he'd never hear that voice again. It didn't matter that Kay had been a droid. He'd been his friend. And he'd lost that friend just as surely as he'd lost his legs – lost his purpose.

 

What the hell was he supposed to do now?

 

His throat hurt with repressed sobs as he covered his eyes and began to cry.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn stormed down the hall, her fists clenched at her side, her head pounding with fury.

 

“Jyn – this is a very bad idea,” Veera said, hustling after her. “You need to slow down. Think about this.”

 

“Not happening.” Jyn knew exactly what she needed to do. And after all the deliveries she'd made over the past two days, she also knew exactly where the intelligence department was located.

 

“Jyn, you can't just pick a fight with a general! You were pardoned once, but I don't think they'd do it a second time.”

 

Jyn didn't want to listen. It didn't matter if Veera was right. All that mattered was that Cassian was hurt, and Draven was the one who hurt him.

 

That look on Cassian's face when he told her to leave – he'd looked as lost and broken as she'd felt sitting in that bunker all those years ago while it sunk in that Saw was never coming back.

 

The asshole who did this was going to pay.

 

A young officer was stepping out of the intelligence department when she arrived, and she quickly pushed him aside and put out an arm to hold the door open before it could close behind him.

 

“Hey!” he said, “You can't go in there!”

 

“Save it for someone who cares,” she growled, and stomped inside, Veera still trailing behind her.

 

The walls were covered with data screens and the room was filled with numerous clusters of desks where officers hunched over data pads. Draven was standing at one of those clusters, bent over to look at someone's pad. He raised his head and locked eyes with Jyn as soon as she stepped into the room.

 

“General – I need a word,” she called, tensing all her muscles – getting ready for a fight.

 

“I'm sorry, sir, she just barged in,” said the startled officer who'd followed her back inside.

 

“It's alright, Vermer. I've got this,” said Draven, striding toward them.

 

Jyn felt her hatred swelling with every step he took toward her. First her father, and now Cassian. This man didn't deserve forgiveness.

 

Still holding her gaze, Draven gestured to a nearby room. “Sergeant – let's handle our business in private, shall we?”

 

Fine. It wouldn't change things. She gave him a sharp nod and followed him toward the room. Veera started after them, but Draven stopped her. “Ensign – you're not needed.”

 

Veera, her face pale and worried, nodded, and shot Jyn one last warning glance before turning to leave.

 

Jyn brushed her friend's worry aside, and followed Draven into the room.

 

The door closed behind them. With a large data screen and a table surrounded by chairs, it seemed to be a meeting room of some sort.

 

Draven turned and leaned back against the table, folding his arms over his chest and glaring down at her. “I assume this is about Captain Andor's condition?”

 

“You assume right,” Jyn replied, squeezing her fists.

 

“Dr. Garra messaged me the details a half hour ago, and made it clear that she intends to go over my head to the Alliance Council to pursue justice for the harm I did to her patient. She seems to want my head on a spike.” He spoke with an infuriatingly nonchalant tone.

 

Jyn snarled. “She'll have to get in line.”

 

Draven eyed her, still looking unconcerned. “Before you attack me, as I assume you're planning to do, let me remind you that Andor will be much better off if he has you by his side during his recovery to support and help him, rather being separated from you because you're locked in the brig for striking a superior officer. I doubt the pleasure you'll derive from my momentary pain will be worth that price.”

 

Even as her spite toward him intensified, his biting comments drained all the air from her bubble of fury. The bastard was right. Getting herself locked up would only hurt Cassian more, in the long run.

 

“I'll do everything in my power to support Dr. Garra's pursuit of justice. You deserve to be punished for what you did. No worthy officer would have given that order.” She clenched and unclenched her hands, pushing back the urge to strike him.

 

“You're probably right about that,” he said softly.

 

Jyn's eyes widened.

 

He let his arms fall and gripped the edge of the table behind him with both hands. “You think I'm pleased by what happened to Andor? Do you think I _wanted_ this?” He shook his head. “He was my protege. I trained him myself before I was promoted to head of intelligence. He's one of the best operatives to ever serve under me. Do you think I enjoy the fact that due to an order I gave in a moment of anger, he's ruined and broken?”

 

She wouldn't feel sorry for this man. She _wouldn't_. “You broke him long before Scarif.”

 

His expression softened. “You're probably right about _that,_ too.”

 

Jyn took a step back and shook her head. This was just another manipulation. He was a monster pretending to be human.

 

Draven spoke again. “There are only two types of operatives who last long in Andor's line of work. The first type are the sociopaths. The men who take delight in manipulating, harming, and killing others, and are good enough to do it for the Rebellion instead of themselves. The second kind are the idealists. The men so devoted to the cause of the Rebellion that they're able to repress their guilt and squeamishness and conscience because in the end, it's worth it for the sake of their cause. Andor is the second type.”

 

Jyn eyed him warily, wondering where he was going with all of this.

 

“That type – Andor's type – will all eventually come to a breaking point. A point where they feel too dirty to stomach it anymore. When that happens, either they get sloppy and get themselves killed, or I recognize the signs in time and promote them out of fieldwork into a position that does enough genuine good to help them feel like the scales of justice are balanced out, again. I was seeing the signs in Andor before the mission to Jedha. I was already starting to scout out a new position for him. But I thought he could handle a few more missions before I had to move him.” He held her gaze and shook his head. “If I'd known you'd be enough to push him over the edge, I'd never have sent him with you.”

 

“You disgust me,” Jyn replied. Nothing he could say would ever justify his actions. Nothing.

 

“I meant it as a compliment,” he said. “You're charismatic. Attractive. Determined. Full of fire and energy. A natural leader. It's no wonder your brand of idealism was enough to spark a new fire inside of Andor. To get him to shift allegiance from me to you.”

 

Jyn frowned. “I'm no idealist.”

 

“Yes you are,” he replied without hesitation. “You managed to repress your idealism out of self-preservation, but as soon as you found a worthy cause it blossomed like a flower that had been dormant for too long. Your speech to the council truly was inspiring – and I'm sure you were equally inspiring with the men who chose to follow you. Unfortunately you combine your good qualities with insubordination and recklessness. That makes you dangerous. If you could learn to control yourself, to think of the good of the entire Alliance before your own desires, you'd be exactly the kind of recruit the Rebellion needs. But the fact that you're willing to throw everything away to avenge a wrong against your friend shows that you aren't ready to be the type of soldier we need. We'd have been better off if you never enlisted.”

 

Jyn's stomach twisted in a sick knot. “Don't act like I'm the one at fault here. I know that you were the one who ordered my father's murder. And your – your monstrous order was what ruined Cassian's recovery. How can you give inhuman orders – orders that serve no purpose other than satisfy your need for ruthless control – and call _me_ the dangerous one?” She'd been ready to back down, but every word he said made her more ready to pound him to the ground.

 

He leaned toward her. “I'm trying to wake you up, Sergeant. The Rebellion needs soldiers like you. But first you have to understand that your feelings come second to the needs of the Alliance. Your father designed the most fearsome weapons systems in the Empire. For the good of the Alliance, the danger of his exceptional mind needed to be ended. And yes, at the moment I gave that order to your doctor, I thought first and foremost of the loyal and trustworthy men and women who would be deprived of needed medical supplies if they were lavished on mutineers, instead. All of my decisions – all of my orders – are based solely on the needs of the Alliance. Sometimes I make mistakes. But I don't make them due to personal feelings or individual desires. Everything I do, I do for the Rebellion. I refuse to apologize for that.”

 

The cold fire in his eyes frightened her. “Is this speech supposed to change my mind about you? Because it's not working.”

 

He shook his head. “I don't need to change your mind. I need to contain you. I need to put you somewhere where you won't do any more harm to the Alliance. Your ideals mean nothing if they don't serve the Alliance. I'm not like you and Andor. I'm no idealist. I'm a pragmatist. I will do anything. Say anything. Give any order. Destroy any life – including my own – if it means victory for the Rebellion.”

 

“You're that first type of operative you described,” she said, the realization hitting her like a cold rock in her stomach. “You're a sociopath.”

 

He huffed at her. “I'm not a sociopath. I'm a zealot.”

 

“More like a fanatic,” she retorted.

 

A chill calm settled over him. “Fanaticism and idealism are two sides of the same coin. You served with Saw Gerrera long enough to learn that.”

 

Prickles ran down her spine. He was right. That's who he reminded her of. Saw.

 

But somehow, while Saw's fanaticism lead to his faction being ostracized and cut off from the main body of the Rebellion, Draven's had won him a position near the top. He'd channeled his fanaticism into such cold, ruthless efficiency that he'd won promotion after promotion until he arrived here, at his current position of power.

 

“You're despicable,” she murmured.

 

He shrugged. “The Rebellion needs despicable men willing to do despicable things just as much as it needs idealists and figureheads.”

 

Uncomfortable silence fell over them.

 

Jyn's anger had receded to a steady simmer. “Your time is coming. You can't continue to give the sorts of orders that you do without someone deciding that you've crossed one line too many. Cassian may be _ruined_ and _broken_ in your eyes, but I guarantee you that he'll still be flourishing in the Rebellion long after you've lost everything.”

 

“Perhaps,” Draven said. “But I'll go to my doom knowing that my actions and my orders made the Alliance stronger. When the Rebellion finally succeeds, it will be as much due to my despicable choices as it is to the actions of heroes like Skywalker.”

 

Another silence fell. Jyn clenched her teeth. She wanted more than anything to find words that would finally rattle him. That would scare him. But her mind was blank.

 

He tilted his head toward the door. “I think we're done here. Run along back to your friends. I have work to do.”

 

Jyn wasn't sure if she'd ever get over the sick churning she felt inside of her after this conversation. If she could kill him without hurting Cassian in the process, she would. Instead, she'd simply have to join forces with Dr. Garra. Together they'd have to find another way to bring him down. She turned and opened the door.

 

“Sergeant,” Draven said, and she halted, cringing.

 

“What?”

 

“When you see Andor again, tell him that I'm sorry.”

 

Her nausea was once again replaced by anger. She glanced over her shoulder. “Tell him yourself.”

 

She strode out of the meeting room, and then out of the intelligence department. If there was any way to avoid seeing Draven again for the rest of her life, she'd take it.

 

Veera was still hovering in the hall. “Jyn?”

 

“I didn't lay a hand on him. You can stop worrying.” Jyn continued to walk, and Veera fell in beside her.

 

“Can I ask what happened?”

 

“I don't want to talk about it,” Jyn said.

 

They walked for another minute before Veera spoke again. “Are you going back to Cassian?”

 

Jyn frowned, remembering the way Cassian raised his voice, demanding to be left alone. “I don't think he wants me, right now.”

 

Veera shrugged. “Maybe not. He'll probably be pretty temperamental for a while. He's grieving for what he's lost, and he's probably just as angry at Draven as you are.”

 

Jyn huffed. “I doubt it. That man did a number on Cassian. He'll find a way to convince himself that Draven was acting for the good of the Rebellion.”

 

“That doesn't mean he won't be angry. He just won't have any easy outlet for it. All the more reason for his friends to stand by him, even when he acts like he doesn't want you to.”

 

Jyn shook her head. She didn't know how to do this. She wasn't nurturing or patient like Veera. She wanted to hit things, and had just been thwarted in the attempt. She had no idea what to do next.

 

“The point I'm trying to make,” said Veera, grabbing Jyn's arm and pulling her to a halt, “is that if you abandon him after he's cranky for awhile, it'll just convince him that he really is broken. I've been with the Rebellion long enough to see it happen before. If you care about him at all, you can't turn your back on him when things get hard.”

 

“I would never turn my back on him,” Jyn bit back. “How could you even think that?”

 

Veera smiled. “I didn't think you would. I just wanted to make sure.”

 

Jyn scowled at her. “I don't need you to test me.”

 

“You're right, I'm sorry.” Veera looked genuinely apologetic. “I'm too on edge right now. I've never seen anyone more devoted to her friends than you.”

 

Jyn shuffled her feet and shook her head. It had been a very long time since she had any genuine friends at all, let alone someone like Cassian. She might be devoted, but that didn't mean she knew how to be the kind of friend they needed right now.

 

“Have you thought about what will happen after the evacuation? With you and Cassian, I mean?” Veera asked. “I'm worried about you two.”

 

“What do you mean what happens after the evacuation?” Jyn's heart skipped a beat. What did Veera know that she didn't?

 

“Just – I know Dr. Garra and I can pull enough strings to get the whole gang of you assigned to the same evacuation ship, but all of those postings will be temporary – a month or two at the very most. And now that we know he won't ever be able to do field operations again, there are no guarantees that you'll be posted together any longer than that. Who knows where you'll both be six months from now?”

 

Jyn froze, her chest growing suddenly tight. She'd never considered that the Rebellion might separate them. That they could be sent to opposite sides of the galaxy. When she signed her enlistment agreement, she'd assumed that Cassian would recover and they'd be able to work together they way they had on Scarif. But his disability changed everything.

 

A lump rose in her throat. This wasn't what she wanted. If she'd known about the permanence of his condition she never would have enlisted. She'd have waited to see what he wanted to do, and made up her mind from there.

 

“I hadn't thought of that,” she confessed.

 

“I'm sorry for bringing this up right now. I just can't help but be worried about the both of you. Especially because...” She trailed off and shook her head.

 

“Especially because what?” Jyn demanded. “What other horrible scenario makes perfect sense to you but I'm completely oblivious because I've been in the Rebel Forces for a grand total of two days?”

 

“Fine,” replied Veera. “You're not going to like this. But I'm worried about this _thing_ going on between you and Cassian. I'm worried that you've both been rushing into something because this past week has been full of heightened emotions and huge changes for both of you. But if you rush into something serious right now it would be so easy to become overly dependent on each other, and then when your orders inevitably separate you, you'll both be devastated. I don't want to see that happen to either of you! But now I'm being that meddling friend who gets too involved in her friends' business and makes everything worse, which I've been before, and I've been yelled at a few times, but here I am doing it all over again. And...” She paused, meeting Jyn's eyes, a panicked look on her face. “And now I'm making this about me when it's really about you and I'm pathetic. I'm sorry. I should just stop talking now.”

 

Jyn rocked on her heels at Veera's sudden torrent of words. It was hard to know what part to respond to first. “I've never had enough friends to get one who wanted to meddle.”

 

Veera looked stricken. “Jyn... I'm so sorry.”

 

Jyn shook her head, dismissing Veera's worries. “I'm not about to chuck you because you worry about me too much.” She took a breath. “Do you really think we're rushing into something?

 

“Maybe, yes. I don't know. I'm not in your heads. I don't know everything that you've been through together. But nine days is pretty quick for any relationship.” She screwed her face up in a halfhearted smile. “You should just try to be careful.”

 

“What do you mean, careful?”

 

Veera knit her brows, “I'm not even sure, anymore. Ideally I'd say you should slow down. Take your time. But in your position I don't know how much time you'll actually _have._ ” She sighed. “This isn't helping, is it?”

 

“Not particularly.” Jyn squeezed her lips together. There had to be a way for them to stay together. She'd have to find a way, or make a way. Somehow she'd make this work. This morning, things felt simple. They felt hopeful. Now she didn't know what the future would hold, or even what she wanted out of it, beyond staying with her friends. Staying with Cassian. “I care about him. More than I've cared about anyone in a very long time.” Even now Jyn could feel the way her heart swelled every time she was near Cassian – every time she thought of him. She had no name for what she felt for him. She'd never done this before – never wanted to be with someone beyond a single night. Never wanted to be with someone she thought of as a friend first, but also as something more.

 

Cassian's disability didn't change that feeling. But it did complicate things. As if they weren't already complicated enough.

 

“I can tell.” Veera took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “And he cares about you. Things might not be easy or simple, but in the end, if this thing between you is meant to be, you'll find a way to work it out. I have faith in that.”

 

Jyn took a deep breath. Okay. That sounded better. Maybe things weren't so bad. “I think I can manage faith.”

 

“Good.” Veera drew Jyn into a hug.

 

Jyn still wasn't used to hugging anyone on a regular basis, but she was finding that she enjoyed it quite a lot. She hugged Veera back, and felt her optimism returning. “Thanks for the talk. I think I needed it.”

 

“I'm glad.” Veera stepped back, beaming. “I'm always here for you. Remember that, will you?”

 

“I will.” Jyn nodded.

 

They walked together until they had to turn different ways to get to their quarters. For only the second time, Jyn stepped into the bunk-room that was to be her home until she was assigned to an evacuation ship. Tehma and Mayris were still out, but Bodhi was on his bunk reading the leather book from Baze's secret box.

 

“Hi,” she said.

 

“Oh – oh. Hello. Didn't hear you come in.” He lowered the book.

 

“It's okay.” She plopped down on the edge of his bunk. “Is it good?”

 

“Yes. Very. Thank you so much for giving these to me. It means a lot.” His eyes looked brighter and more hopeful than she'd ever seen them, even in spite of the bruise under his left eye.

 

“Good. I'm glad.” She took a breath. “I have some news.”

 

Bodhi nodded. Jyn launched into an explanation of Cassian's situation, and watched as Bodhi's eyes widened with concern.

 

“Jyn – you're not going to go after that general, are you?” popped out of his mouth as soon as she finished.

 

She couldn't help but laugh. Was she really that predictable? “I already did. But don't worry – no court-martials here. I didn't touch him. I listened to him lecture me for a few minutes, and he's a truly despicable monster. But attacking him won't makes things any better. The best way to go after him is by joining forces with Dr. Garra to get him censured and punished by the Alliance Council.”

 

“Wow. Wow, yeah.” Bodhi nodded. “Does Cassian need anything? What can we do?”

 

Jyn told him to try paying short visits to feel things out. “He needs friends right now, but he might be a bit testy for a while. We need to stick with him.”

 

“Of course we will.”

 

Jyn smiled. She knew she could count on Bodhi. His heart was so big. “I hoped you'd feel that way.”

 

Bodhi smiled, looking away shyly for a moment before meeting her eyes again. “Are you going back to see him again, tonight?”

 

Even though it made her stomach twist with nerves, she nodded. “Yeah. I think I need to.”

 

“I could come, if you want?” Bodhi offered.

 

She considered taking him as back-up for a moment. Cassian knew she could stand up to his anger and frustration, but he'd probably hold back at least a little with Bodhi. She shook her head. No – that wouldn't be fair to either of them. Cassian needed to be able to vent his feelings without anything in the way. And besides, she had things to say that were too personal to say in front of Bodhi. “Not this time, I think,” she said. “But I think he'd be happy for the company tomorrow.”

 

Bodhi was quick to agree.

 

Straightening her spine, ready to face whatever emotions Cassian needed to get out, Jyn headed for the medbay.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi held the book of prayers to his heart as he watched Jyn leave. Just before she came in he'd been reading and re-reading a prayer of mourning for loved ones who have become one with the Force.

 

Most of the time Jyn was very much her own woman, but every once in awhile she'd wear an expression or speak with a certain turn of phrase, and she reminded him so intensely of Galen that he could practically see her father standing behind her.

 

Galen had used him, yes. But with every passing day he was more at peace with the thought that Galen's final manipulations didn't negate the relationship that came before. And, in spite of his pain, he couldn't fault Galen's motives.

 

That thing that Skywalker had finally destroyed had been the worst evil the galaxy had ever known. Bodhi couldn't be certain that he would have done anything different in Galen's place. Sometimes principles and personal integrity got in the way of doing what had to be done.

 

Even now he wondered how many of his classmates from the Academy had died aboard the Death Star, or piloting the swarm of TIE fighters around it. He'd wager that at least a third of them had.

 

Men and women he'd shared meals and conversations with. Friends he'd gambled with in the illegal game he ran with his roommate. Maybe even one or two of the three lovers he'd had short flings with during their time in training together, until he washed out of the fighter pilot program (wash-outs didn't have much luck getting dates).

 

He hadn't thought of them when he did what he knew had to be done.

 

In the end, he wasn't so different from Galen, was he?

 

He opened the book and scanned the words of the mourning prayer a few more times. It had been more than a decade since he last prayed. Not since the third anniversary of his father's death.

 

He let his fingers trail over the raised touch-writing even as he read the printed text with his eyes.

 

The people of Jedha needed to be mourned. Galen needed to be mourned. Even those people who'd been serving on the Death Star because they didn't know better or because they had no better options – they needed to be mourned, too.

 

By now Bodhi knew the prayer by heart.

 

He closed his eyes, and thought of all the countless people who'd lost their lives over the past week, and in a whisper, he began to pray.

 

~ ~ ~

 

After releasing the worst of his emotions, Cassian grew restless. He had his own float chair – added to his list of personal equipment until his rehabilitation is complete (though he still wasn't sure what “complete” meant under these circumstances), and he maneuvered his way into it.

 

Now that his treatments were complete and he could manage some small, jerky movements of his legs as well as control his bodily functions, he'd been allowed to change into pajama pants and top instead of the hospital gown he'd been stuck in for most of a week. He tried to be happy about that fact, but couldn't quite manage it.

 

He tried to distract his mind from his darker thoughts by practicing with the controls of his float chair, working his way around the medbay in a variety of complex patterns that he set as a personal challenge. It helped for about a half hour, and then he began to slip back into the malaise and frustration he'd felt ever since getting the news.

 

As he slowly floated his chair past Rostok's bed, the corporal called out to him. “Hey, Captain.”

 

Cassian edged the chair closer to him, frowning at the need to use a tool simply to move freely. “Rostok.”

 

Rostok sat on the edge of his bed, the pant leg over his amputated leg rolled up to reveal the result of his cybernetic surgery – a metal stump filled with electronics, just waiting for a leg to be attached. Rostok nodded at the chair. “Heard the news. Looks like both of us are fucked sideways and upside down, now.”

 

Cassian grimaced. “Guess so. But at least you're getting a new leg in a day or two. Mine are just... here. No replacements coming.”

 

Rostok snorted. “New is a matter of perspective. They're giving me an older model. Probably a refurb, knowing how things are these days. Can't spare one of the fancy new units for a crusty old blaster-bait like me.”

 

Cassian sighed. He wasn't surprised. Supply chains would be tight now, without Alderaan. “Maybe you'll be able to upgrade, later.”

 

“And maybe I'll start shitting credits, too.” He shook his head. “Still itches like fuck.” He glared down at the empty space below his stump. “And when it doesn't itch, it hurts. The doc tells me most of it is psychological. Fuck that. I say when that asshat Draven put a hold on our treatments, something in my nerves got fucked up. Nothing makes it stop. They keep giving me pills, and nothing makes it stop. He fucked us both up real good.”

 

On instinct, Cassian wanted to find some way to defend Draven's orders, but he found that he couldn't. Not this time. He shook his head. “I don't know what do,” he admitted, not meeting Rostok's eyes. If anyone could understand, it would be him. “What good am I to the Rebellion as a cripple?”

 

“You and me both, Captain.” Rostok grew quiet for a moment, and then shook his head. “I thought I knew what I was getting into when you roped me into that jaunt to Scarif. Knew there was a good chance I wouldn't come back. But I figured it was worth it. Only saw my boy, Jarom, once every other year as it was. He might miss me a little, but he'd be okay in the long run. And he'd get the death benefit to help out with his education. And on the bright side, I figured there was still a chance I'd come home a hero. Fucking joke's on me, now, isn't it?” His face flushed, and he gripped the mattress beneath him with fingers like claws. “Those pansy bastards took too long sending us backup. Whole operation started going to shit. And as soon you got those plans sent up to them, the fuckers lost them for most of a week. That was all it took. And now Jarom's gone, and I'm still here, a fucking cripple.” Tears stood in his eyes and he shook his head. “None of it makes any fucking sense.”

 

Thoughts of Kay filled Cassian's mind. It couldn't compare to what Rostok had lost. It didn't. But it was close enough to help him understand the man's anguish. “Serchill – I'm sorry.”

 

Rostok sniffed and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “Yeah. People keep saying that. But sorrys won't bring my boy back.” He took a rough breath and shook his head again. “Well, you ain't so bad off, in the long run, Captain.”

 

“I'm not?” Cassian replied incredulously.

 

Rostok shrugged, clearly determined to shift the conversation away from his personal pain. “Half your job was always about your brains – they don't make stupid fucks like me into spies, because we'd give ourselves away before we took five steps off of base. There'll always be a place for men with brains. Might not be the place you want it to be, but it's still a place.”

 

Unspoken, but hovering behind his words, was the implication that while Cassian might still find a place to serve, Rostok had given up hope for himself. Before Cassian could refute that assumption, Rostok spoke again. “And on top of that, you've got your girl to help you get through this.”

 

Cassian squeezed his lips together, a mixture of embarrassment and irritation rising in his chest. “She's not my girl,” he replied, knowing exactly who Rostok meant.

 

Rostok gave him an arch look. “She would be if you wanted her to.”

 

That response stunned Cassian into temporary silence. As much as he wanted it to be true, he couldn't imagine that she'd want him now. She might pretend for a while, but it wouldn't last. She was too full of life and motion to be anchored down by someone like him. But what if she really _did_ want to be with him, in spite of everything? Would it even be right to let her take on this burden? It couldn't be. He wouldn't do that to her.

 

The medbay door whooshed open, and Rostok looked up and nodded toward it. “Speak of the devil.”

 

With a sinking feeling in his chest, Cassian turned his head and saw Jyn walking toward them, a tight-lipped half-smile on her face. He wasn't sure that he was any more ready to talk about things with her now than he had been an hour and a half ago. But here she was anyway.

 

She stopped a few feet away from them. “Hi,” she said softly.

 

“Hi,” he replied.

 

She held his gaze with a wary expression, and then turned to Rostok. “Hi Serchill. How's the leg?”

 

Rostok grunted. “Still itches like hell.”

 

“Nothing's helping?” Jyn folded her arms across her chest.

 

“Nope.” Rostok grabbed the crutches that had been leaning against the bed next to him, and lifted one up. “I'm tempted to go find General Fuck-face and bash him in the side of his head with one of these puppies while I've still got 'em.”

 

Jyn smiled again. “I can relate. I paid him a visit a little bit ago.”

 

Cassian's heart froze. “Jyn – you didn't. Draven could end things for you in the Rebellion before you ever get started.”

 

She rolled her eyes and held her hands up in front of her. “Do you see any shackles? I am capable of restraining myself enough to avoid arrest, you know.”

 

“Since when?” The teasing remark slipped out of his mouth without a moment's thought.

 

She glared. “I'll have you know that for every arrest in my official file, there were at least half a dozen times I could've been, but wasn't.”

 

“Just how many arrests are in your file, Erso?” Rostok asks.

 

“Too many,” Cassian replies. She isn't the first former criminal to join the ranks of the Rebellion, but few of the others had been quite so prolific in such a sort span of time. More evidence that she wasn't the kind of person who would tolerate being tethered down by a disabled partner.

 

“You have no cause to complain,” she retorted. “All of my talents are one your side, now. Trust me.”

 

“I do. I'm just not sure if General Draven feels the same. You need to be careful, Jyn. Promise me you won't confront him again.” There might not be many things he could still do for her, but at least he could still prevent her from ruining this chance at a fresh start.

 

Her eyes got a hard look in them. “I don't need you to protect me.”

 

“And I don't need you taking on a general because of _me_ ,” he snapped back.

 

He held her gaze for a few silent moments.

 

Rostok cleared his throat with a cough and took up his crutches. “I gotta take a piss, and I think you two need some privacy.” He swung on his crutches toward the refresher, and looked over his shoulder at Cassian. “Good luck.”

 

Cassian frowned. Jyn pouted back at him.

 

Why was she always so impulsive and temperamental? “What good did you think confronting him would actually do?”

 

She scrunched up her face and looked away before answering. “Fine. You're right. I didn't think before I acted.” She turned back to him. “But that doesn't mean I need to hide from Draven to protect myself. I won't promise not to confront him, because he damn well might need confronting again.” Then her face and voice both softened. “But I will promise to think things through before I speak to him again. Is that good enough for you?”

 

He took a deep breath and clenched his teeth. He didn't want her fighting his battles for him anymore than she wanted him trying to protect her. But this was probably the best compromise he would get. “Yes.”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Fine,” he replied.

 

She scrunched up her face again and leaned back against the edge of Rostok's bed. She continued to stare at him, but didn't speak.

 

He fidgeted with discomfort. “Just – say what you came here to say. I won't snap at you, again.”

 

“Are you sure?” she raised her eyebrows. “Because you seem pretty snappy.”

 

He sighed and slumped back in his chair. He was all out of fight for the day. “Yes. It's okay, Jyn. Just say what's on your mind.”

 

She squeezed her lips together and narrowed her eyes before giving him a nod. “Okay. Well. I guess I needed you to know that whatever comes next with all this,” her eyes darted down to his legs for a moment, “you don't have to do it alone.”

 

This was exactly what he'd been afraid of. Their recent... attachment... left her feeling obligated to him. He didn't want that. She deserved better than a relationship built on pity and obligation. “I'll manage just fine.”

 

Her eyes hardened again. “Of course you will. Because I'll be here to help you. Every stage of this process, whatever it is, I'll be here. I promise.”

 

He shook his head. “You don't need to do this, Jyn.”

 

“Of course I don't.” She looked frustrated. “What would be the point of making a promise if I had to do it anyway?”

 

“Jyn –”

 

“Cassian, don't push me away. I want to be here with you. I want to help.”

 

Cassian shook his head and asked the first question that came to mind. “Why?”

 

A little pain crossed her face. “Because you helped me first. You showed me that the Rebellion was still something worth fighting for, even after all it had done to me. And you had my back no matter what – you believed in me when no one else would.” She squeezed her lips together again and shrugged. “I guess I believe in you, too.”

 

A lump rose in his throat, and couldn't meet her gaze. He still didn't understand. He wasn't really worth her affection even before the injury, but now? Yet here she still was. There had to be at least a small sense of obligation underneath her other feelings. It was the only thing that made sense.

 

He didn't know what to do.

 

He couldn't deny that he still wanted her in his life. Of course he did. Whatever he felt for her – whether it was really love or something close to it – wasn't going away any time soon.

 

But she deserved so much better.

 

“You're thinking too much.” Jyn's voice intruded on his thoughts.

 

He raised his head to meet her eyes. She wore a soft, friendly, normal smile. The kind of smile he wanted to see every day of his life. “Thinking too much is a bad habit of mine,” he said, giving himself permission to relax.

 

“Just like not thinking enough is a bad habit of mine,” Jyn replied. “I suppose we'll have to work on finding a happy medium together, shall we?”

 

Her offer sounded so casual. So _normal_. She had to know what she was getting herself into.

 

“I don't know how long rehab will take. I don't know when I'll be able to return to full-time duty. And when I do, it'll probably be a desk job somewhere.”

 

She nodded. “I know.”

 

He frowned. “You're a good soldier, and a good leader. They're going to want you out in the field. The chances of us being able to serve together aren't great. I – uh – I appreciate your offer of help. I really do. But I don't think we'll be able to stay at the same posting as each other for long. I just...” He trailed off, not knowing how to wrap up this speech. Nothing would make him stop wanting her. But it wasn't meant to be. The sooner she accepted that, the better off both of them would be.

 

“I'll find a way to stay with you. I can be very persuasive.” She didn't take her eyes off of his, and he felt his face getting warm.

 

“I know you can,” he said, probably giving away too much in his tone. She wasn't going to make this easy. He shook his head. “But there's only so much you can do now that you've joined up. We have to follow orders. Both of us.”

 

She leaned toward him, a smirk on her face. “Most orders have wiggle room.”

 

“Jyn...” He shook his head.

 

There was no use. Not tonight. She'd learn soon enough how pointless this all was.

 

“Accept it, Cassian. I'm stuck to you like glue.” The way her eyes gleamed made him wish he could still allow himself to reach out and cup her cheek in his hand and pull her close... He had to stop thinking like that.

 

“Okay,” he finally said, ready to pacify her. “For as long as we're posted together, I'll be happy for your help.”

 

“Good.” The look on her face was almost enough to make him re-think his determination to stop their romantic involvement. Almost.

 

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quote this time is pretty self-explanatory. It's not only the theme of this chapter, but of the whole story.
> 
> I probably won't update for 2 – 2 ½ weeks. I'm trying to finish up a wip for another fandom and can't procrastinate any more. But after that I'll be back with (hopefully) weekly updates again. *fingers crossed*


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia meets with the survivors and bonds with Bodhi, Jyn negotiates for their future, and Cassian begins to distance himself from the team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a little longer than expected! I'm trying to get back on track with weekly updates. *fingers crossed* And if you're interested I'm mediumsizedfountain on Tumblr (multi-fandom but skews toward Star Wars lately).

> “What comes next?... You're on your own.... Do you have a clue what happens now?”
> 
> _What Comes Next_ , Lin Manuel Miranda's _Hamilton_

 

Bodhi, Jyn and Tehma are halfway through another morning of cargo deliveries when a woman with sleek hair and a well-tailored gray suit approached them.

 

“Excuse me – Lt. Rook, Sergeant Erso and Private Yavi?” she said.

 

They all nodded and Bodhi eyed her up and down. Political aide. He was so sure he'd place a wager on it.

 

“Pleased to meet you,” she said, a well-trained smile on her face. “I am Diantha Aravhé. Princess Leia has sent me to request the honor of a brief audience with you. I've already obtained permission from Chief Hafnor.”

 

Yes. Political aide.

 

Bodhi had heard about the princess over the past two days. She was the one who brought in the droids with the plans, and brought Skywalker and that smuggler, Solo, with her.

 

She was also the only surviving member of the royal family of Alderaan.

 

He couldn't image how she must be feeling right now – all the pressure to maintain her place of leadership, while everything and everyone she'd ever known had been blown to space dust. At least he and the other Jedhan survivors could mourn freely. He doubted the princess was so lucky.

 

“Of course,” Bodhi replied.

 

Jyn and Tehma both joined in the affirmative.

“Excellent,” Aravhé said. “Follow me, please.”

 

She strode through the corridors with a practiced posture of confidence and grace. Bodhi wondered if there was a school for that sort of thing. He'd only ever seen it in bureaucrats – though he supposed it was probably done in imitation of a class of social elites.

 

She led them to a conference room, standing to one side of the door to gesture them in. “Take a seat,” she said once they were all in. “The princess will be with you shortly.”

 

They all sat, eyeing each other warily.

 

“Is this sort of thing normal?” Jyn asked. “I've never really been around royalty before.”

 

“You think we have?” Tehma replies. “I don't know. I guess she must keep a tight schedule, or something. Was that woman her assistant? Do you think she has a whole staff of people like that? I think Chancellor Mothma does.”

 

“Yeah. I'd expect she does,” Bodhi said.

 

They were saved from further pointless speculation when the door opened again. Bodhi rose to his feet. He seemed to remember that being the proper protocol for high ranking bureaucrats, so it probably applied to royals as well. Jyn and Tehma saw him stand and quickly followed suit.

 

The princess, even slightly shorter than Jyn, dressed in a flowing white gown with her hair braided in a sleek crown around her head, strode into the room. Aravhé and a similarly dressed man followed her. Last of all came a young man with a mop of blonde hair, wearing a pilot's uniform. Skywalker. Bodhi had only seen him from a distance, but up close he was a fine looking kid – couldn't be much older than Tehma. It was amazing to imagine that he'd been the one to bring down Galen's creation.

 

“You can all sit down, please,” the princess said with a smile.

 

They sat, and Leia took a seat across from them with Luke sliding into a chair beside her. The political aides remained standing.

 

“I'm so pleased to meet you at last,” Leia said warmly.

 

“It's an honor, Princess,” Bodhi said. The other two seemed fine with letting him take the lead.

 

“It's just Leia, please.”

 

Bodhi didn't doubt she meant it, but the looks on her aides' faces warned otherwise.

 

Jyn, apparently with her usual brashness restored, spoke up. “I'm glad to meet you. And you're Skywalker, aren't you?”

 

The kid nodded, beaming. “I am. When Leia told me she was meeting you all today I just had to come. I can't believe what you all did to get those plans.”

 

“Well, it would have been for nothing if you two hadn't got those droids back in time. I kept telling myself that the Force wanted those plans in our hands and we'd get them back somehow, but when you actually got here I could hardly believe it. Thank you, so much.” Jyn grinned at them.

 

“You've gotten a little ahead of me,” Leia said. “I wanted to meet you to thank _you_ , personally, for all the effort and sacrifice you put in to steal those plans. The Rebel Alliance owes you a debt that we can never fully repay.”

 

Tehma looked like he wanted to sink into his seat until he disappeared. Bodhi knew he was ashamed of his actions on Scarif, but he'd been just as stupidly brave as the rest of them. He deserved just as much thanks.

 

“You can start by making sure Captain Andor and Corporal Rostok get the best possible medical treatment that the rebellion has to offer,” Jyn said, giving Leia a pointed look. “Were you aware that General Draven personally gave an order to restrict their medical treatment to nothing but life-sustaining measures for the first few days after our return? His abominable order led to permanent nerve damage in Cass – Captain Andor's spine, and Rostok's leg isn't healing as it ought to, either.”

 

Leia's eyes went hard, and she clenched her jaw. Luke's jaw dropped. “He did what?” the kid exclaimed. “But that's – that's – that's unbelievable!”

 

“I believe it,” Leia replied, her voice soft and icy. “I have enough experience with Draven to know that's exactly the sort of thing he'd do. I'll personally ensure that only the very best treatments available are provided to the captain and corporal, and I'll discuss disciplinary measures for Draven with Chancellor Mothma.”

 

“Thank you. That's all I ask,” answered Jyn, wearing a tight-lipped smile of triumph.

 

Leia took a deep breath. “Well, now that that unpleasantness is taken care of, let me reiterate how grateful I am to all of you for your actions. If you ever have need of a friend in Alliance leadership, I'll be there for you.”

 

They all nodded and Bodhi stammered out a “you're welcome.”

 

“I hope we get a chance to talk sometime,” Luke said. “I really want to hear the whole story.”

 

Bodhi winced. He didn't think any of them were keen on sharing all the details of what they'd been through. But he understood. He'd been naive and eager like that only a few years ago.

 

Leia appeared to be getting ready to end their meeting, and Bodhi found he had one last thing to say. “Your high – ah – I mean, Leia?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I – I just wanted to say how sorry I am. About your family, a-and your home. We tried to stop it. We tried. But we just weren't fast enough. I'm so, so sorry. I lost family, too. We all did. We know how much it hurts. No one so young should have to lose their whole family like that.” He looked first at Leia, but then glanced at Tehma as well.

 

Leia's eyes were wide. She looked frozen for a moment.

 

Oh dear. He'd done something wrong, hadn't he?

 

Leia cleared her throat. “Could everyone step out into the hall except for Lt. Rook? I'd like a minute of private time with him.”

 

He'd really, really done something wrong. He should have paid more attention in those protocol classes.

 

His friends eyed him with sympathy as they stood and scurried out into the hall, and Luke stared at him with wide-eyed wonder before following. The political aides only glared as they stepped out and pulled the door shut behind them.

 

“I – I'm sorry,” Bodhi started. “I didn't mean to cross a line, or anything. I – ”

 

Before he could speak any further, Leia raised a hand to her mouth and tried to stifle the sound of a sob. Tears welled in her eyes and began to roll down her cheeks.

 

Bodhi froze, open-mouthed. He had no idea what to do.

 

After a few more sobs, she started to regain control. “I'm sorry,” she said, her voice shaking. “You're just – you're the first person to offer me condolences who really seems to care about _me,_ and about my feelings. Everyone else is just following protocol. Offering empty words because it's expected of them. But they all treated me like I was a droid with no feelings, and I would just keep following the programming that was expected of me.”

 

“Oh, oh,” he said, suddenly understanding. “Leia – I really am sorry. You deserve the chance to mourn. Everyone deserves the chance to mourn, no matter who they are or what role they're supposed to play.”

 

Leia scrunched up her face and sobbed again.

 

Bodhi finally knew what to do. He remembered when his sister Beera, four years his junior, had been crying over her first boyfriend running off to join the rebellion (maybe Bodhi would run into him, someday). He remembered stepping in and soothing her pain.

 

He knew he was probably crossing dozens of lines when it came to protocol, but all he could see was a girl who needed a big brother. So he stood and went to sit next to her. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and when she leaned into him he held her close and let her sob into his chest. “It's okay,” he murmured. “It's okay to miss them. It's okay to be in pain. Go ahead and cry.”

 

For about a minute that's exactly what she did. Gradually her sobs stopped and she took several deep breaths as she regained control of herself. She pulled away from him and dabbed at her eyes with the back of her sleeve.

 

“I don't usually lose control like this. I hate crying. I avoid it whenever possible. I guess I really needed a cry, today.” She managed a smile.

 

Bodhi's heart went out to her. She was trying to be so strong. When would this galaxy stop tormenting its children like this?

 

Maybe the books from the guardians would have some answers.

 

“It's okay. Everyone needs to cry once in a while. And – your family – they were good people, yeah?”

 

“Yes. The very best,” she replied softly. “You lost family, too? On Jedha?”

 

He nodded. “Mostly aunties and uncles and cousins. But also my sister, Noor, and my nephew, Pabo. We were close. I – it's still hard – to think about them. My mum and little sis, Beera, are on Coruscant. Beera's at an Imperial science academy. So they're still out there, but I've lost them all the same.”

 

Leia squeezed her lips together and nodded. “Were you there? When Jedha was destroyed?”

 

Bodhi squeezed his eyes shut for just a moment as the image of the horizon peeling up and over his head flashed through his mind. “Yeah. Yeah.”

 

Leia's eyes were downcast when he looked at her again.

 

“He gave me a choice,” she murmured. “On the Death Star. We were approaching Alderaan, and he gave me a choice. Give him the location of rebel headquarters, or see my home destroyed. It was an impossible choice. Finally I gave him the location of our last headquarters, before we relocated to Yavin. I knew there might still be a skeleton crew there, but better a few die than my entire planet. But that wasn't enough for him. He did it anyway. There was nothing I could do to stop him.”

 

Bodhi blinked back his own tears at the hollow horror in her voice. “Leia – I'm so sorry. And – and it's not your fault. Never think that.” He shook his head. “That's why we can't give up this fight. A government that would destroy billions of lives on a whim is an abomination.”

 

“We won't give up. _I_ won't give up. Not until we've won and every trace of the Empire is stomped out. I will never stop fighting. I owe that to my people.” The conviction in her tone and the set of her face was undeniable. He could see why people would follow her, in spite of her young age.

 

“I'm with you, Leia. We all are,” he replied.

 

She managed another smile. “Bodhi – am I saying your name right?”

 

He nodded.

 

“Bodhi, thank you. I really needed this. I owe you one.”

 

He shook his head. “No you don't. And... if you ever need another good cry, I'm around.” He offered her his own smile, and hers grew brighter in return.

 

“I may take you up on that someday,” she replied. “Now, I'm sure my staff is ready to throw a fit. We'll have to get going.”

 

He nodded and followed her out the door.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn bit her bottom lip and glanced at Skywalker, who leaned against the wall next to her. “Do you think Bodhi got himself in trouble?”

 

Luke snorted and shook his head with a smile. “No. You should have heard all the things Han said to her, and she still likes him well enough. I think she's just tired of never having privacy. Bodhi seems like the kind of person you'd want around when you need cheering up.”

 

Jyn grinned. “He is. How'd you get that out of a five minute conversation?”

 

Luke shrugged. “Just a feeling.”

 

He looked at her a closer. “Hey, is that a kyber crystal?”

 

Jyn reached up to her pendant. “Yeah. It is.”

 

Luke perked up. “My master told me that kyber crystals are used to power lightsabers. I even took mine apart and put it back together, and it had a crystal almost exactly like that inside.”

 

Well, this answered a few of her questions. “So you really are a Jedi.”

 

“Not yet.” Luke ran his fingers through his hair. “I guess you could call me a Jedi in training, but that training is kind of stalled right now. My master –” His eyes got distant for a moment. “He died on the Death Star.”

 

“I'm sorry,” Jyn said. It seemed that everyone lost someone or something bringing down that battle station.

 

“It's okay.” Luke shrugged. “I know how to carry on some of the basic training on my own. I just wish I had someone who could teach me more about the Force.”

 

“There were two Guardians of the Whills on our mission to Scarif,” said Tehma, speaking up from his spot just across the corridor. “They were from the Temple of the Force on Jedha. They left a digital copy of two of their religious texts behind. Bodhi has it. I'm sure he'll be happy to make a copy for you.”

 

“That would be great!” Luke beamed. “Maybe I can stop by your room after dinner tonight?”

 

“Sure.” Tehma quickly told him where to find their barracks room.

 

“Great. I'll plan on seeing you and Bodhi.” Luke nodded and then glanced back at Jyn. “Just wondering – did you also get that crystal from the Guardians before they died?”

 

Jyn could see why he'd assume that. “No. This was my mother's. She gave it to me right before she died.”

 

“Oh.” Luke's eyes were wide.

 

“Actually,” said Jyn, memories rising from the depths of her mind, “it was my grandmother's, first. My mother's mother. I only ever met her twice. Once right after my family left Coruscant when I was six, and again two years later, a few months before my mother died. We lived on a farm, then, isolated from everyone and everything else. I don't remember much about her. Just that she was always smiling, and that my mother cried for days after she left. The only thing she left behind was this crystal.”

 

“You were eight when your mother died?” Luke asked softly.

 

Jyn squeezed her lips together and nodded. “An Imperial officer came with a squad of death troopers to forcefully recruit my father back into Imperial service. He was a brilliant scientist. My mother sent me to a hiding place we had prepared. But I followed her back.”

 

Jyn shook her head, old pain rising. “She dared to stand up to that whole squad with one blaster. I think she knew she was going to die. She left me and went to die a pointless death. There were times I hated her for that.”

 

She'd never admitted that out loud. Luke had a way of winning her trust that she hadn't ever experienced before. The closest person to it was Chirrut. It must be one of the powers of the Force – to grant trust. She took a breath. “Mum always told me that Grandmother had to stay away to protect us. I didn't want to think about what my mother did – the way she left me alone – but I liked to think that as long as I had this, my grandmother would be somehow be watching over me. And then I got older and stopped making up tales. But it was still all I had left of my family, and that was reason enough to treasure it.”

 

Luke nodded. “I understand. I don't have much left of my family, either.” He gave her an understanding look. “Do you think your grandmother knew a Jedi, or something? I wonder how she got the crystal in the first place.”

 

“No one ever told me, and I never thought to ask,” Jyn admitted, suddenly missing her family with an intensity she hadn't felt in years. There was so much they could have told her. So much about her own history and family that she didn't know. And now no one was left to fill in the blanks.

 

Before they could talk any further, the door to the conference room opened and Leia strode out with Bodhi close behind. They both wore content smiles on their faces. Good. Much better than Bodhi made a friend of the princess than an enemy.

 

“Thank you all for meeting with me,” Leia said, addressing all three of them. “I wish we had more time, but I have duties to attend to. I hope I see you again soon.” With a nod, she was off, her aides hustling behind her.

 

Luke stayed behind. “I actually need to get back to my squad,” he said. “We doing some training exercises right after lunch, and we have to prep our fighters.”

 

He walked back to the hanger with them and fell into an easy conversation with Bodhi and Tehma about the books Chirrut left behind, and then about all the various fighters and shuttles. The three of them fell into a stream of technical jargon that Jyn didn't care about. She let her thoughts drift to other things.

 

The princess had called herself their friend among the Alliance leadership. And now Bodhi seemed to have solidified that status with his private conversation. Perhaps this was an avenue she could use to ensure that all the survivors of Scarif could stay together. That she could stay with Cassian. She'd just have to wait for the right moment to call in that favor.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian had just emerged from the refresher after showering (he'd needed three minutes of instructions on how to take a damn shower) and changing into a uniform (by the Maker it felt good to be back in proper clothes) when the medbay door opened and Princess Leia strode in with a couple of aides in tow.

 

The princess had done a surprising amount of intelligence work for someone of her age and rank, so he'd met her on a handful of occasions in meetings or in passing, but had never had a personal conversation with her. She was putting on a strong front for someone who'd just lost everything. He supposed that ability to put on a mask was why she'd been recruited into intelligence work in the first place.

 

“Captain, Corporal,” she said, addressing him and Rostok, who sat on a bed nearby. “I'm pleased to see you both up and moving.”

 

Cassian nodded. He knew where this was going – it was time for the official “thank you for your service and sacrifice” speech. He'd heard it before. “Yes, Your Highness. We're actually being discharged right after lunch.” Rostok was being sent to the same bunkroom as the rest of the Scarif survivors, where he'd have sympathetic friends to help him with any mobility issues. Cassian was being given new private quarters, big enough to accommodate his float chair. He hated being singled out like that. But he had to admit that the tiny single room he'd merited before the Scarif mission would never have worked with the float chair.

 

“That's excellent news,” Leia replied. Then her sunny mask hardened. “Sergeant Erso informed me of General Draven's interference in your medical treatment. That sort of behavior is a clear abuse of power. I wanted to let you know that I'll be consulting with Chancellor Mothma later today to determine what disciplinary actions are called for.”

 

“Technically it wasn't an illegal order, ma'am,” Cassian found himself saying automatically.

 

Leia's brows rose. “You're defending him?”

 

Cassian opened his mouth, and then hesitated. Was he defending Draven? The man had accomplished a great deal of important work since taking charge of rebel intelligence. But there had been plenty of times when Cassian wondered if his ruthless orders had crossed a line – like with the order to assassinate Galen Erso. How many lives would have been saved if they'd been able to extract the man, instead of bombing him? “No,” he finally said. “Orders don't have to be illegal to be wrong.”

 

Leia nodded. “Exactly. The offense might not be worthy of court-martial, but there are other ways to discipline an officer who crosses that sort of line.”

 

On instinct Cassian opened his mouth to protest, but caught himself and held back. His days of blindly following Draven were done. They'd been done the moment he failed to pull the trigger on Galen Erso. Hell – they'd been done the moment he prioritized rescuing Jyn over getting Bodhi off of Jedha safely. It was time he accepted that choice and started acting on it.

 

Still – it rankled him that Jyn felt like she needed to fight this battle for him. He didn't need her as a caretaker. He was perfectly capable of managing his own affairs. But he needed to offer Leia some sort of response.

 

“Thank you for your concern, ma'am.”

 

The corners of Leia's mouth turned up in a thin smile. “You're welcome. And I intend to see to it that both of you receive the very best medical treatment that the Alliance can afford for the duration of your rehabilitation.”

 

“Thank you, ma'am,” said Rostok first, and Cassian, gritting his teeth, echoed him. He was already receiving the best care. Dr. Garra had seen to that. This would only make him look like a pet of the leadership.

 

Leia nodded. “It's the least we can do. The Alliance owes all the survivors of Rogue One a debt that can never be fully repaid.”

 

On that point, at least, Cassian mentally conceded that she might be right, especially where Bodhi and Yavi were concerned. They'd lost their home and culture because the Alliance had been too timid in its investigation of the Empire's latest construction project. And Jyn – she had also lost the only family she had left. There was no repaying that. No making things right.

 

The only thing that would come close would be to win this war, once and for all. He only hoped there was still a way for him to help accomplish that goal.

 

“Also,” Leia added, a slightly frustrated look on her face, “Chancellor Mothma is trying to organize a ceremony to honor the heroes who defeated the Death Star. But some members of the council are objecting to publicly honoring the two of you, and Private Yavi. They still consider your actions to be insubordinate, and don't want to endorse that behavior with a public ceremony. I'm trying to win them over, but if I can't, I assure you that you will still be honored in private.”

 

The last thing Cassian cared about was getting medals or honors. He shook his head. “I didn't take that mission to win honors. I don't care if we get any recognition.”

 

Rostok grunted in agreement. “He's right, Your Worship. We did what had to be done. Honors don't mean shit. Pardon my language, ma'am.”

 

Leia smiled a little wider. Clearly she enjoyed people who were willing to be frank with her. “No offense taken, corporal. I understand your feelings. But I'm still going to advocate for you in front of the council. You deserve it.”

 

Cassian could see there was no talking her out of it. She had the same steel inside of her as Jyn – she was just a little more refined on the outside. “I understand. Thank you, ma'am.”

 

She nodded. “Best wishes on your recovery, soldiers. I'm sure I'll see you again soon.”

 

With that she took her leave.

 

It seemed as if Jyn would have her wish fulfilled when it came to taking Draven down a few notches. But he couldn't be happy about the way she did it. If did the same to her, he knew she wouldn't like it. Either she was still acting out of obligation to their almost-relationship, or she was acting out of pity. He didn't like either option.

 

He'd made the choice to end any romantic aspects of their relationship. He needed to make that intention more obvious next time they saw each other so Jyn could start to let go. He needed to make a clean break before either of them got any more attached.

 

~ ~ ~

 

That evening Jyn followed the directions Veera gave her to find Cassian's new quarters. That stubborn man hadn't even told her he was being discharged, let alone where his quarters would be. She had to find out from Rostok.

 

In the corridor with his quarters the doors stood further apart than in some of the other halls of the living areas. When she reached his door, Jyn pushed the chime.

 

“Who is it?” Cassian's muffled voice called.

 

“It's me. Can I come in?” She leaned close to the door as she replied.

 

There was silence for a moment before he replied. “It's unlocked.”

 

Not the most encouraging of responses, but it was still an invitation.

 

She opened the door and stepped inside. Cassian sat in his float chair in front of a desk covered in a jumble of data sticks and a data pad. She smiled at him and peered around. The room was almost as large as her eight-person bunk room, and from the look of it there was a private refresher. “Nice. Very plush.”

 

Cassian huffed. “It was the only free room that would accommodate the float chair.”

 

She heard the frustration in his voice, but chose not to comment. Instead she shrugged and ambled over to where two cushioned chairs stood in the corner and took a seat, staring at him. “That might be true, but it's no reason not to take advantage of the luxury while we can. You could have a party in here. Plenty of room for a crowd.”

 

His lips thinned and he glared at her. “I don't have time for company. I'm trying to brush up on my programming and cryptography. I'm supposed to focus on physical therapy for the next few weeks, but the sooner I can get back to work the better. I need to make sure my skills are honed so I can actually do some good somewhere.”

 

Jyn expected something like this. Cassian wasn't the type to embrace idleness. “I understand. But you'll have plenty of time to study in between your physical therapy sessions. Come to dinner. Everyone misses you. It'll be fun.”

 

His face settled into his blank mask, and he looked away from her. “Being stared at by half the base isn't my idea of fun.”

 

“So that's the problem? You're ashamed to show yourself?” He needed to get over this attitude.

 

“I'm not ashamed,” he bit back. “I simply don't enjoy being the center attention. Speaking of which, you didn't need to bother Princess Leia about Draven. She has more important things to worry about.”

 

Jyn narrowed her eyes. Veera was right. Cassian wasn't going to get over being cranky and snappish anytime soon. But she'd put up with far worse. He needed to know he wasn't being abandoned, or he'd never get over this. “She asked what she could do for us, so I told her. You think I'd pass up an opportunity like that?”

 

Cassian huffed and shook his head. “I don't need you tending me or looking out for me like I'm a child.”

 

“You're nothing like a child. Children appreciate being cared for.” She gave him a pointed stare. “Besides, I'd planned on helping Garra petition Chancellor Mothma anyway – this was just a shortcut.”

 

He nudged the controls of his chair and it floated a little closer. “I am not your problem to solve, Jyn. You aren't obligated to me, and the last thing I want is your pity.” His face was shadowed with resentment – but she knew it wasn't directed toward her. That would've been easier to handle – a good yelling match would get it out of his system. Instead this resentment was directed entirely toward himself.

 

She straightened up and folded her arms defensively over her chest. “Let me make something clear, Cassian. Nothing that I do for you or any of my friends is done out of pity. I will _never_ pity you. You don't need to walk to be one of the strongest, most capable men I know and ever have known. And as for obligation, I don't even know where to start.” She shook her head.

 

He clenched his jaw. “What happened between us...” He took a deep breath while she opened her eyes a little wider. Was he really going where she thought he was going? “The fact that we got close over the past couple of weeks doesn't mean you have to feel responsible for me. I don't expect that of you. I don't want it.”

 

Yes. He went there.

 

She frowned. She should have seen this coming. “I don't feel responsible _or_ obligated. That's not what this is.”

 

“Then what is it?” He spread his hands in a questioning gesture.

 

Jyn bit her bottom lip. There had to be a word for this feeling. This desire to help and care for someone just because they matter to you. She simply didn't know what it was.

 

She sighed. “I just want to help. And for some reason I like being around you. Even when you're being a cranky pain in the ass like you are tonight. Alright?”

 

A myriad of emotions seemed to shift over his face for a split second before it settled back into his blank mask. “I'm glad that we're friends,” he said (not sounding particularly glad about anything), “but I'm used to keeping my own company. Sometimes I need a little space. Like tonight.”

 

Jyn's shoulders slumped in resignation. “Do you really want to spend your first night of freedom studying up on your technical skills?”

 

“Yes. I do.” There was no conviction in his voice. But there was also no room for argument.

 

She rose to her feet. “Fine. But you won't be able to get away with this every night. People out there care about you, Cassian. You might find that you like letting them in once in a while.”

 

She turned and strode out the door. This was going to be an uphill battle. But she refused to give up.

 

~ ~ ~

 

A new day brought another long shift of delivery duty (Jyn hoped they'd find something more worthwhile for the team to do after the evacuation) followed by another frustrating conversation with Cassian.

 

From what she could tell he hadn't left his new room since moving in – apparently he had the medical privilege of ordering his meals brought to him. This time she brought Bodhi along, and that seemed to relax Cassian somewhat. He let them stay and chat for close to an hour and even agreed to let Mayris help him study up on his programming. But he still refused to come to the mess hall for dinner, and showed no signs of budging from his room.

 

The next day their shift of delivery work was interrupted by another political summons – this time from Chancellor Mothma. Disconcertingly, this summons excluded Tehma. Mothma only wanted to see Bodhi and Jyn.

 

This time they were ushered into Mothma's private office. The chancellor sat behind a small, practical desk, and Leia sat in a chair just to the side of her, turned to face the guest seating. Mothma welcomed them as told them to sit down. Jyn perched on the edge of her cushy chair.

 

Leia smiled at them. “It's good to see you again Bodhi, Jyn.”

 

“Good to see you, too.” Bodhi beamed.

 

Mothma offered them a closed-mouth smile before speaking. “I have heard that the two of you are thriving in your new positions. Naturally we'll want to make better use of your talents after the evacuation, but for the time being we are grateful to have you offering your service in simpler ways.”

 

Jyn nearly rolled her eyes at that. Simpler was an interesting way of saying they'd been dumped into menial work because no one had figured out what else to do with them. “We're happy to help.”

 

Mothma nodded, apparently accepting Jyn's response at face value. “I've summoned you here today because we have settled on a final timetable for the permanent evacuation. Starting in three days this base will be a constant bustle of activity as we dismantle our infrastructure and ship it to new locations. Before all that hard and thankless work begins, we want to offer our people a chance to relax and celebrate our hard-won victory against the Death Star. Tomorrow all but essential duties will cease at 1200 hours, and will not resume until the early morning shift the following day. We are planning a ceremony, of sorts, for the early afternoon. A few congratulatory speeches followed by the presentation of honors to soldiers who distinguished themselves in the fight against the Death Star. We intend for the two of you to be among those honored.”

 

Jyn blinked in shock.

 

“No – no no. That – that's not why we did it. We never wanted recognition or honors. We only wanted that thing destroyed. That's enough. It's enough.” Bodhi nodded his head in emphasis after finishing his answer.

 

Jyn was glad he'd said it first. They would have expected protests from her. It was more sincere and powerful coming from him.

 

Mothma's smile didn't falter. “I understand your reticence, Lt. Rook. We are fully aware of all you lost and sacrificed. No medal of honor will ever bring back what you lost. We won't forget that. However this recognition is not merely for you, but in honor of all those who gave their lives on Scarif and in the Battle of Yavin. And it is for the survivors – to inspire them and give them hope for the future.”

 

“So you're going to use us for propaganda, then?” Jyn said softly. She hadn't expected this. Perhaps she should have.

 

Leia finally spoke. “To be frank, yes. We lost nearly half our forces between these two opening battles of the civil war. Our remaining troops are desperately in need of a morale boost, and we need to dramatically increase our recruitment efforts. This kind of public display – and vids of this public display that our recruiters can use – are exactly what the Rebellion needs right now.”

 

Bodhi grimaced. “Thank you for being honest, at least.”

 

“I doubt I'll ever manage to be anything _but_ honest with you, Bodhi.” Leia met his eyes and smiled.

 

“It may not be pleasant,” said Mothma, “but these are the realities of Alliance politics right now. You are not pawns – I value you both far more than that. However, for this one ceremony, I would be very grateful if you would consent to play this part.”

 

“And what about the rest of the team? Are they being honored, too?” Jyn asked, suddenly suspicious.

 

Leia squeezed her lips together and shook her head. “I'm afraid not. Private Yavi, Corporal Rostok and Captain Andor will all be honored in a private ceremony, but not in the public one. Too many of the military members of the council think that publicly honoring them will encourage more insubordinate missions where soldiers take things into their own hands. Besides, honoring new recruits from a wide variety of backgrounds who came together to defeat an insurmountable foe –”

 

“Makes a far better image for your propaganda.” Jyn scowled. “Unbelievable.”

 

“I'm sorry,” replied Mothma. “We tried to sway the military members of the Council, but were unsuccessful. I apologize for this inequity. It was not my wish. I do hope, however, that we can still convince the two of you to participate.”

 

A sudden idea sprang into Jyn's mind. She was about to speak when she stopped herself. No. This wasn't just about her, anymore. She had a whole team to think about. Friends to think about. And Bodhi needed be okay with this. “Would it be alright if Lt. Rook and I step outside to discuss this for just a moment?”

 

“Of course.” Mothma nodded.

 

Bodhi blinked in surprise when she grabbed his arm and tugged him up and out the door. As soon as the door closed, he hissed, “What's this all about? We're not doing this sham ceremony, are we?”

 

Jyn met his eyes. “Look – I agree with you about the medals. I don't give a damn about being honored, and it's a disgrace that they won't honor the whole team together. But the Council wants this. They've dropped a bargaining chip right in our laps.”

 

His eyes narrowed. “Bargain for what?”

 

“To stay together, of course!” she replied. “Now that we've officially signed up, they have the right to split us up. To send us to the far corners of the galaxy where we'll never see each other again until the war ends – if we all make it that far.”

 

“I – I – you're right. I mean, I knew that. But they'd been so good about letting us stay together so far, I just assumed...” He shook his head.

 

“Everything will change after the evacuation. We've all got different skill sets. Different backgrounds. It doesn't make much logical sense to keep us together. Especially since Cassian and Rostok will probably be stuck with administrative jobs, now.”

 

Bodhi nodded, frustration evident on his face. “This team is all I have left. I don't want this evacuation to be the end of it. And – and Tehma is so determined to keep us Jedhans together. If we could find a way to stay near Mayris, too, that would be good.”

 

“Exactly.” He was getting it. Jyn gripped his arm. “Let me do the talking. We'll play our part in their little propaganda show, but only if they agree to let us stay together. Alright?”

 

“Alright.” He nodded.

 

They stepped back into the room and took their seats. Leia eyed them closely. She knew something was up. Jyn was liking her more every time they met.

 

“Have you made your decision?” Mothma asked.

 

“Yes,” Jyn replied. “We will only participate in the ceremony if certain conditions are met.”

 

Mothma's smile faded to a more neutral expression, but Leia got a twinkle in her eye. “What conditions?” Mothma replied.

 

“As you said,” Jyn replied, “we've all lost much and sacrificed much. There is no way to fully repay us for that. But we've also gained something. During the mission and during our recovery in the medbay, our team formed a very tight-knit bond. We've become dear friends, and effective emotional support for one another. We would like to stay together for as long as possible. Including a Jedhan friend of Private Yavi, Lt. Mayris Droon, who has joined our group out of solidarity with her fellow Jedhan survivors.” Jyn nodded to punctuate her request.

 

Mothma looked at them thoughtfully. “Given your widely different skills and the ongoing medical needs of Captain Andor and Corporal Rostok, I'm not certain how practical it will be to keep you stationed together.”

 

“Doesn't matter,” Jyn replied. “This is our condition. Take it or leave it.”

 

Leia leaned forward. “How about this –”

 

Jyn let herself smile just a little. Good. Someone who knew how to negotiate.

 

Leia held her gaze. “You and the other survivors of Scarif, as well as Lt. Droon, will be stationed together until such time as both Corporal Rostok and Captain Andor are medically fit to resume full-time duties. The situation will be reevaluated after that point.”

 

Close, but not good enough. “Only if we have the right to reject unwanted postings when it comes time to reassign us.”

 

Leia's smile broadened. She knew that if they rejected a string of assignments their commanding officers would likely give up in frustration and keep them as close together as possible. “Very well. You'll stay together until your teammates are medically fit for full-time duty, and you will have the right to reject undesirable assignments. In exchange, you will participate in our ceremony and allow vid-recordings with your images to be used in recruiting and training materials. Is this acceptable, Chancellor?”

 

Jyn clenched her jaw over Leia's last minute addition. But if this was what it took to keep her family together … (When had she started thinking of them as family?)

 

Mothma nodded. “Yes. I agree to this arrangement.”

 

Jyn smiled and tilted her head toward the politicians. “Then it seems we have a deal.”

 

Mothma gave them a few more details as to their roles in the ceremony, (Jyn winced at the words “dress uniform” and “hair stylist”) and then stood to excuse them.

 

But before she could dismiss them, Bodhi spoke up, his voice stronger and more confident that she'd heard it in days. “Madam Chancellor, I have one final request to make.”

 

Mothma raised her brows. “Oh? I thought we'd settled our agreement?”

 

He nodded. “This isn't another condition for the ceremony. It's just a request I probably won't get another chance to make – but it needs to be made.”

 

Mothma inclined her head toward him. “I'm listening.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi swallowed hard. He had no idea what had come over him. As the chancellor was standing to dismiss them he could swear he'd heard Chirrut's voice murmur into his ear. “Now is the time to speak for Jedha.”

 

Now here he was, in a staring contest with the Chancellor of the Rebel Alliance, the silence stretching out between them. He needed to speak.

 

He took a deep breath, and thought of Chirrut for a moment before opening his mouth. “I want to speak on behalf of all the other Jedhans who are serving within the Rebel Forces. I know I and my two friends aren't the only ones.” For a moment an image of NiJedha from the air flashed through his mind – the city vibrant with life and activity – the Temple whole and unblemished – none of the scars of war that had pocked the city for most of his life. This was a memory. His first speeder ride with his father when he was a small boy. Before the Empire came.

 

He spoke again. “The Jedhan culture and traditions have been in decline for two decades, ever since the destruction of the Jedi Order. And when the Empire came, they beat us down even more. They tried to take our history from us. Our faith. Our traditions. They tried to turn us into nothing more than blind servants to the ideals of Imperial Service. They – they almost succeeded with me.” He shook his head to clear the memory of his mother leading him into the Imperial school for the first time, a few months after his father's death. “And now they've destroyed our capital city. The heart of our culture. I don't know if anyone on the surface of Jedha survived that day. But we survive _here_ , among you. And we want to keep our culture and faith alive.”

 

Bodhi had no idea where these words were coming from. It was almost as if someone else – someone strong, and smart, and faithful – was speaking through his mouth. “I would like to request that all Jedhans within the Rebel Forces be extended an offer to transfer to non-combat posting far from any front lines. If they want to continue to fight, they should be allowed to do so. But we need a chance to survive. We want to work on behalf of the Rebellion, but there are ways to do that without putting ourselves in any direct line of fire. I want as many Jedhans as possible transferred away from the front so that regardless of the outcome of this war, our people and culture will still have a chance to survive.” He glanced at Leia, and saw her eyes shining with emotion. Looking back at Mothma he added, “I'm sure Princess Leia wishes the same for any Alderaanians within the Rebel Forces, even if she's been too proud to ask.”

 

He fell silent, his head spinning, as if whatever force had been using him as its mouthpiece had decided it said enough, and took its leave.

 

Mothma stared at him in silence for a few moments, and then nodded. “You are right, Lt. Rook. The people and culture of Jedha deserve the right to live on, as do the people and culture of Alderaan. The destruction of your worlds rests not only on the Empire, but also on the shoulders of a Council that was too fearful and weak to make the choice to act when the evidence of a clear and present threat was right before our eyes. We will forever be accountable for that choice.” She lowered her eyes for a moment before continuing. “Your request is of sufficient magnitude that I will have have to present it to the full Council before a final decision can be made. However, I know that the loss of Jedha and Alderaan weighs on the shoulders of most of the Council as much as weighs on mine. I feel confident that your request will be honored, and the survivors of your two worlds will be given the chance to conduct their service away from the immediate threat of the front lines.”

 

It actually worked? After his failure to save Jedha, he'd actually managed help his people, rather than hurt them? “Th – Thank you, Madam Chancellor,” he stammered.

 

Out of the corner of his eyes his noticed Leia looking at him, mouthing the words, “Thank you.”

 

He managed a slight smile. Somehow he'd done it. He'd helped his people and hers all at once.

 

Mothma politely dismissed them, and he and Jyn headed down the hall. He still felt dizzy. After a minute of walking Jyn gripped his arm and pulled him to a stop.

 

“Bodhi,” she said, tilting her head to meet his eyes. “You continually amaze and impress me. What you did in there was wonderful.”

 

Not knowing what to say, he let out a hesitant, “Thank you?”

 

Jyn grinned and shook her head before flinging her arms around him for a tight hug. _This_ he could do. He hugged her back, enjoying the warm pressure of her strong little body. No one could ever replace Noor in his life, but having Jyn around helped take the edge off his pain. He was glad she'd worked her deal.

 

“And you did good, too,” he murmured. “We get to stay together. Thank you.”

 

He squeezed her a little tighter, glad that she would be at his side during the awful ceremony – otherwise he'd be tempted to sneak away and hide.

 

He only wished their other friends could be with them, too.

 

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the quote because not only the characters but the Rebellion as a whole is floundering, trying figure out the next steps now that the purpose of destroying the Death Star is achieved. None of the characters know what comes next.
> 
> This budding friendship between Bodhi and Leia caught me by surprise. I hope you like it as much as I do.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rebellion throws a huge party. Jyn and Bodhi force Cassian to come, and the group manages to pick up some more Jedhans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason I'm incapable of writing short - or even medium sized - chapters for this story. So here's another long one! Thanks for reading and commenting. :)

> “Raise a glass to freedom... Tomorrow there'll be more of us. Telling the story of tonight. Let's have another round tonight.”
> 
> _The Story of Tonight_ , Lin Manuel Miranda's Hamilton
> 
>  

 

Jyn frowned as she waited in the hallway behind the large assembly room. Most of the people on the base were gathered there in their best uniforms, watching their leaders up on the platform. Mothma gave a speech, and then an admiral who Jyn had never met or even seen before gave one, and then it was Leia's turn.

 

She'd told herself that she'd listen to Leia's – the woman had a good head on her shoulders and seemed to be able to straddle the divide between the political and the military better than nearly anyone else around here. Jyn respected her for that. And she clearly adored Bodhi, which was another mark in her favor. But after standing restlessly through the other two speeches she could hardly focus at all anymore.

 

Two hours before the ceremony she'd been pulled into a private room with one of the gray-suited political aides who also turned out to be a stylist. After being put into a dress uniform which was then pinned and marked for hasty tailoring, the man had forced her to sit while he slicked some sort of waxy paste through her hair and tugged it into an elaborate braid. Jyn had thought her hair too short for any but the most basic of braids, but the stylist proved her wrong. Apparently anything was possible if one was willing to endure a great deal of discomfort in the process. And then the abominable man had insisted on applying cosmetics, as well. Jyn rarely bothered with the stuff unless she was working a con and needed to impress someone. It irked her that he assumed she wouldn't be able to manage on her own (though she never told the stylist, she couldn't deny that he'd managed a more subtle and delicate look than she'd ever achieved on her own). Then they'd crammed her back into the now-perfectly-fitted uniform and marched her to the hall. She'd missed lunch altogether.

 

None of this had left her in a good mood. Even worse, not even a personal plea from Bodhi was enough to convince Cassian to leave his room to attend. He was still shut up all alone, torturing himself with technical manuals and electronic training courses. The stubborn jackass – when would he realize that this kind of behavior would do nothing but drive him mad?

 

“Jyn. Jyn!” Bodhi hissed, nudging her. Leia had stopped talking, and some triumphant strains of music were now being piped through the room's speakers.

 

She blinked. “Is it our turn?”

 

“Nearly. Come on. Get ready.” He tugged her elbow to position her next to him. Moments later their names, along with some sort of scripted accolades, boomed through the speakers.

 

The march down the center isle, getting the medal placed round her neck, and enduring a moment of raucous applause from the room was all a blur. When she and Bodhi finally got to move to the side of the platform, she felt sick to her stomach. She gripped Bodhi's hand for support.

 

Then it was Skywalker, Solo, and Chewbaca's turn. Luke looked humbled and awed, but the smirk on Solo's face was brash enough to help lighten her mood.

 

Then, after one more short speech from Mothma, the whole ordeal was finally over, thank the Maker.

 

As the audience began to file out, Leia strode over to them. With a grin she gave Bodhi a tight hug. “You did it,” she said. “This morning the Council agreed to your proposal.” She stepped back and beamed up at him. “All remaining Jedhans and Alderaanians within Alliance Forces are being offered the opportunity to transfer to non-combat positions in areas deemed to be safe from attack.”

 

“It worked?” Bodhi's face lit up.

 

“It worked.” Leia nodded. “Thank you. You were right – I was too proud to ask. I didn't want to be seen as seeking special favors. But I'd already begun to make private inquiries about the Alderaanians in service. I wanted this, too, though I hadn't put a shape to it, yet. But you made it happen. Thank you.”

 

Bodhi looked down shyly. “Someone would have though of it eventually.”

 

Jyn hit him in the arm with a playful punch. “Take your praise, Bodhi. You've earned it.”

 

After Leia was drawn away to speak with more notable figures, Jyn and Bodhi made their way to the main hangar. Various areas of the hangar, mess halls, and fitness center had been set up as dance floors, table gaming areas, athletic game courts, and dining buffets. Jyn couldn't fathom how they'd pulled it all together, but somehow they had.

 

She dragged Bodhi directly toward the nearest buffet and began loading a plate. She wasn't going another minute without food in her belly. Bodhi must have felt the same, because his plate was just as heaping as hers.

 

They found a table and began to dig in. A few minutes later Tehma and Mayris appeared with two strangers in tow. Based on the coloring and features of the man and woman, they were another pair of Jedhans. Tehma was expanding his family, again.

 

The newcomers filled in most of the empty seats at the table, and Tehma introduced his new friends as Sgt. Mahir Raarif – an artillery gunman serving on one of the attack frigates in orbit, and Specialist Neev Terahn, a mechanic from one of the Corellian battleships. Mahir looked to be a bit older than Cassian – maybe nearing thirty, while Neev, with her white-flecked hair in two long braids, was old enough to have been her mother.

 

Neev leaned toward Bodhi, a warm smile on her round face. “When I got the news from my commander that Jedhan survivors would be allowed to transfer out of combat zones, I ran around looking for the first Jedhan I could find. And when I found him, Tehma here told me all about your plan to bring together a group of Jedhans to help rebuild our culture, I knew I had to join you. The Empire took everything from me. They closed down my family ship repair shop, and when my husband tried to stop them, they beat him to death. An old customer with rebel contacts arranged to get me and my only child, my son, off-world to join the rebellion. But before we could leave, my son ran off to join those terrorists in the hills. And now he must be gone, too.” Her voice shook, and tears filled her eyes.

 

Jyn reached out to take her hand. “There's a chance your son escaped. We were in Gerarra's compound when the Death Star attacked. I saw at least a half dozen ships take off before the blast wave reached us. He may have made it out.” The chances were slim, but no slimmer than they had been for her on Scarif.

 

“You really think so?” More tears welled in Neev's eyes as she turned to Bodhi for confirmation.

 

He nodded. “At least a few ships besides ours made it. There's a chance. It's not a huge chance, but still a chance.”

 

“Praise the Force,” Neev said. “I will join you, and if the Force wills it, someday we will find my son.”

 

Jyn wasn't sure how she felt about that. As Neev and Mahir continued to talk to Bodhi and the others, it became clear that they were fully prepared to form the kernel of a new Jedhan society. Where would she and Cassian fit in all this? Or would they eventually be pushed aside as Bodhi and Tehma attracted more strays to their Jedhan community?

 

She stood up. “I'm going to fetch Cassian. Anyone want to join me?”

 

Bodhi nodded and leapt to his feet. “I'll come.”

 

They promised to return as quickly as they could, and then headed off toward the living quarters.

 

“So, what do you think about all that?” Jyn asked.

 

Bodhi shook his head. “I'm still not sure. This whole idea of gathering Jedhans together is really Tehma's idea. But I, uh, I've been reading the prayer book that Chirrut left behind. And I really feel something when I read it. I think maybe it's inspiring me to – to regain the culture I lost when my mother put me in an Imperial school. And to regain my faith, as well. I guess if that leads to starting a group of Jedhans with Tehma, then maybe that's a good thing.”

 

Jyn pondered his words. What would _she_ do in his position? It was hard to know.

 

“Also...” Bodhi hesitated and slowed down his pace before continuing. “Something's been happening to me. And to Tehma, too. I – I don't want you to think I'm crazy. I know what Bor Gullet did to me, and at first I wondered if that was why... but no. This is something different.”

 

Jyn stopped and held his hand. “What is it, Bodhi?”

 

~ ~ ~

 

There'd been dozens of times when Bodhi thought about confessing this secret. He'd always been too nervous. However, after what he'd managed to say to Chancellor Mothma, it seemed as if there was very little left to be nervous about. He took a deep breath. “Sometimes I think I hear Chirrut Imwe speaking to me. Not just things he said while we knew him. Other things. Things to do with what's happening in the here and now. There have even been a few times when I thought I saw him.”

 

He expected shock or pity in her eyes. Instead, she squeezed his hand and smiled up at him. “He's been speaking to me, too.”

 

Bodhi felt his eyes widen. Tehma mentioned similar visions – dreams – whatever they were. But he was just as mentally traumatized as Bodhi in his own way. But Jyn was one of the strongest people he knew. “He has?”

 

She nodded. “At first I thought I was going mad – especially when I started seeing him. So I finally asked him for proof that he was really here.”

 

Bodhi's jaw dropped. “I never even thought about trying to speak back to him. I didn't dare.”

 

Jyn shook her head. “I don't really know why I did it. I think I didn't really expect him to speak back, and figured that would finally give me reason to go talk to the doctor about it. But he did speak back.”

 

“What did he say?” Bodhi could barely breath, waiting for her reply.

 

“He led me to that box of his and Baze's possessions. He told me where to find it, and once I had it, he sat and talked to me for awhile about what was in it. He told me that the Force had still had a purpose for him, and that was why it let him stay. And he was the one who told me to give you the box.”

 

Bodhi felt dumbstruck. He remembered what Tehma told him a week ago in the medbay – that Chirrut said they were going to be the first sons of a new Jedha. And ever since, everything had been falling into place for just that. What did it all mean? Why him?

 

“I know it's a lot to take in,” Jyn said.

 

Bodhi swallowed hard and nodded. “It is. I need to think about this. There's – there's a lot to think about.”

 

All of this implied that the Force had chosen him and Tehma. But why? Who was he to be used by the Force? None of it made sense.

 

Jyn squeezed his hand again. “If you ever need to talk about it, I'm here. Okay?”

 

“Okay.” He nodded. There was too much for him to process right now. Especially in the middle of a celebration. “Maybe later. But right now we should go get Cassian.”

 

“Yes.” Jyn grinned. “Let's.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian had listened to most of the ceremony over the base intercom. Once they called Jyn and Bodhi to come forward for their medals, he turned it off.

 

He was ashamed of himself. His friends were doing something they didn't want to do for the sake of troop morale, and he should have been there to support them. They'd asked him to come. Bodhi had practically begged him to come. Yet here he still sat. Alone.

 

What the hell was he doing with his life? He hadn't been out of this room since he first entered it. Had only spoken to people if they spoke to him first. He was supposed to be going to the fitness center for his physical therapy, but had insisted the nurse visit him in his room for the first four sessions “so he could get the hang of it” in private.

 

Even his attempts to brush up on skills that might get him a decent posting seemed doomed. When Mayris came by to help him set a course of study to come up to snuff with his programming, the vast amount of study it would take to catch up with programmers at her level felt overwhelming.

 

And Jyn...

 

His heart ached every time he thought of her. Why had he ever let himself care for her? Why had he ever let himself get attached?

 

He should have known better, by this point in his life.

 

He couldn't deny he was spiraling. Sinking further every day into an abyss.

 

And he had no idea how to get out. There were moments when he didn't even _want_ to get out. He just wanted to close his eyes and hope that he never had to open them again. To fade into dust the way he could've – _should've –_ back on Scarif.

 

He knew he shouldn't think that way. He was a little ashamed of himself that he'd gotten to this point.

 

All his friends and colleagues were out celebrating right now. Celebrating the first huge victory over the Empire.

 

This was a day he'd waited for his whole life. He should get out there. Maybe being around people would help. Maybe...

 

He'd floated his chair to the door four times already, but always balked just before opening it, and turned around and floated back to his desk instead.

 

Pathetic. He'd been brave enough to don a stolen uniform and stride into the Citadel on Scarif with his head held high, but now he was too much of a coward to even go say hello to the people who cared about him.

 

He was still at his desk, staring without any real attempt at comprehension at the latest programming lesson in his course, when his door chime sounded.

 

He knew exactly who it was, and wasn't sure to whether to feel relieved or irritated that his friends were here to make his choice for him, so found himself feeling something in between. “Enter.”

 

The door slid open and Jyn and Bodhi piled through it. Bodhi wore a hopeful smile. Jyn was glaring at him. “Enter?” she said. “No, _who is it,_ or, _come on in_? This _enter_ nonsense must be something you picked up on from a superior officer. It sounds like the sort of thing a higher-up military type would say.”

 

Cassian huffed. As matter of fact, Draven had always answered his door chime that way. Not that Cassian felt like sharing that right now. “Are you here to force me to come out to the celebration?”

 

Jyn folded her arms over her chest and smirked at him. He blinked a few times. She looked... amazing.

 

Something about the way the dress uniform fit her, and the way a few tendrils of hair escaped here and there from a braided coronet, and the fire in her eyes that had always drawn him in... It was hard not to stare, even as Bodhi stepped forward to speak.

 

“I wouldn't say force, exactly. But you've been cooped up in this room for too long. There's music and games and food – real food, not just rations. You don't have to stay all night. Just come for a bit of food and company. You can leave whenever you're ready.” He offered Cassian another encouraging smile.

 

Cassian glanced back and forth between the two. He couldn't help but notice the gleam of the medals hanging around their necks.

 

From Jyn's tense stance and Bodhi's fidgeting, it was clear they expected him to decline their invitation. But why fight the inevitable?

 

“Fine. I'll come.”

 

Bodhi's eyes went wide. “You will?”

 

“That's what I said, isn't it?” Cassian replied, trying to look at Bodhi instead of fixating on the way Jyn's eyes were shining.

 

“Let's go, then,” she said casually, though he couldn't help but notice how quickly she moved to position herself behind his chair, blocking any potential retreat.

 

As he floated alongside them toward the hangar, Jyn said, “You won't believe what our dear Bodhi here has managed over the past few days.”

 

“Oh?” Cassian replied. Bodhi lowered his head and stared shaking it.

 

Jyn was undeterred. “He's managed to make himself a favorite of Princess Leia.”

 

“Really?” Cassian was surprised. Though he didn't know the princess well, he knew that most of her friends and companions were other Alderaanians from the upper echelons of society.

 

“I wouldn't say a favorite,” Bodhi interjected.

 

“She seemed pretty damn fond of you when she gave you that hug after the ceremony,” Jyn replied. “And it's not just that,” she said, glancing back at Cassian. “He's made himself into the savior of the Jedhan people.”

 

“Jyn! It's not like that,” Bodhi objected.

 

Cassian had no idea where this was going, but he enjoyed having something to think about other than his own pathetic lot. Perhaps coming out here really was the best thing for him, right now.

 

“Be humble all you want, but I was there. I know the truth.” Jyn glanced at Cassian again. “You should have seen him. We were in Chancellor Mothma's office, facing her and Princess Leia both at once. We'd just agreed to participate in the ceremony and we were ready to go, but then Bodhi spoke up. Said there was one more request he had to make. Then he gave the most eloquent and heartfelt speech I've ever heard and requested that all Jedhan's within the Rebellion be given the chance to serve in non-combat positions away from active fighting, in order to ensure that they have a chance to rebuild their culture when the war is over. And for good measure he said they ought to do the same for the Alderaanians! Practically brought Leia to tears. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. Mothma took the request straight to the Council, and this morning they agreed. We've already picked up two more Jedhan's since.”

 

Cassian glanced back and forth between the two of them during Jyn's whole story. Bodhi looked deeply embarrassed, but Cassian couldn't help but marvel. He'd come so far from the broken, anxious man Cassian first found in a dirt cell on Jedha. “That's extraordinary, Bodhi. Thinking of your people like that – it's truly admirable.”

 

Bodhi wore a tiny smile and shrugged. “Someone needed to do it. I was just in the right place at the right time.”

 

It was more than that, but Cassian had no intention of making Bodhi even more self-conscious.

 

The closer they got to the hangar, the more people milled through the corridors. Acquaintances and colleagues started to notice him. They started to call out greetings and wave their hands. Cassian clenched his teeth and forced a tight-lipped smile, nodding in return to every greeting. In spite of the sense of joviality in the air, he could still see the shock and pity in their eyes as they looked at him.

 

Captain Andor, the man who risked his career to steal the plans for the Death Star, and came home a cripple. He didn't want to be a story they would swap after a few drinks. He never liked attention, and stuck in the float chair all the scrutiny was nearly unbearable.

 

Again, Jyn moved to stride slightly behind him, as if sensing his reluctance.

 

He'd let her know him too well. He didn't let people in, but he'd dropped his defenses for her, and now that she was past them, he had no idea how to put them back in place.

 

Once they made it into the hangar the crowd was more dispersed, but familiar faces were still everywhere. Some even started raising their glasses to him as he passed, calling out things like, “Good to see you, Andor!” and “You're a good man, Andor!”

 

His smile faded into a frown.

 

“We're nearly to our table,” Jyn murmured in his ear. “Hang in there.”

 

He nodded, once more frustrated by how transparent he'd become to her.

 

They approached a round table where Yavi and group of four other Jedhans were clustered, singing a song in a language he didn't recognize.

 

“Bodhi! Captain Andor!” Yavi cried in delight, jumping to his feet. “We found one more Jedhan brother to join our family!”

 

Cassian recognized Mayris, but the older woman and two thirty-ish men were new to him. Yavi introduced one – apparently the newcomer – as Corporal Tirzi Hatha, the quartermaster of a transport ship. Yavi briefly introduced the other two to Cassian, who quietly filed away their names for future reference.

 

“Bodhi Rook,” said Hatha, pointing. “Tehma here just told us that _you_ are the one who petitioned the Council for the sake of us Jedhan survivors! You're not just a rebel hero, you're a Jedhan hero, too!”

 

Bodhi shook his head, murmuring some protests that were drowned out by all the other Jedhans speaking at once.

 

As annoyed as Bodhi might be, Cassian found the sight inspiring. Instead of giving up after witnessing the destruction of his home, Bodhi had brought these people together to carry on in solidarity. Cassian had no doubt each and every one of them had lost family and friends in the blast that destroyed NiJedha. That was something that would never change. But thanks to Bodhi, now they could mourn together and heal together.

 

Cassian had never really had a group to belong to like that, other than the rebellion as a whole. But that wasn't quite the same. The rebellion was too big to be a real emotional support – too big to be a surrogate family. But this group was just about right.

 

From the soft smile on Jyn's face, he suspected she was thinking along the same lines. She'd been alone for far too long. She might not belong to this group by birth, but she was just as much a refugee from the destructive force of the Death Star as they were. He hoped Bodhi would make sure to keep her a part of this “family.”

 

As the Jedhans continued peppering Bodhi with questions, Jyn leaned closer to Cassian. “Have you had anything to eat, today?”

 

“Not much,” he admitted. He'd spied the buffet tables on their way in, but they'd been too crowded for him to want to attempt them.

 

“I can get you a plate, if you like. Do you have any requests?”

 

“I'm not picky.” He doubted there were many picky eaters in the rebellion – none of them had that luxury.

 

“What I want to know,” rang out Sgt. Raarif's voice, drowning out the other Jedhans, “is the story of how you found out about the sabotage of the Death Star in the first place. How does a cargo pilot get his hands on that kind of information? Were you some sort of spy?”

 

Bodhi shook his head. “No. Nothing so dramatic. I just got to know the right person, and he, uh, told me about it.” His eyes were down turned, and he didn't meet Raarif's gaze.

 

Raarif, however, was oblivious to Bodhi's obvious discomfort. “Come on – Imperials don't just give away that sort of information to their friends. Were you suspicious? Did you do some digging around, or something?”

 

“Hush, Mahir,” Mayris snapped, resting a protective hand on Bodhi's shoulder. “Bodhi's boyfriend was the scientist who sabotaged the Death Star. He was killed helping Bodhi to get the plans out. Now leave him be. He doesn't want to talk about it.”

 

Mayris probably meant well, but Cassian saw the way Bodhi's whole body tensed as she spoke. None of Cassian's intel before the Jedha mission had told him anything about Bodhi's relationship with Galen Erso, and he hadn't wanted to ask before or after Eadu. He didn't want a second person to feel guilty about. From the way Bodhi's eyes darted up toward Jyn with a terrified expression, Jyn hadn't known, either.

 

“Oh you poor dear, to lose your sweetheart like that!” the older woman, Terahn, exclaimed.

 

“We've all lost people these past weeks,” Bodhi murmured, looking down again.

 

The rest of the Jedhans began offering words of consolation to Bodhi and to one another, none of them realizing that Bodhi's “sweetheart” was also Jyn's father. Cassian looked up at her.

 

Her stance was tense, but not angry. Still, this couldn't be easy for her. “Jyn...”

 

She shook her head as if waking from a half-sleep. “I'll go fetch that plate for you, now. I'll be right back.”

 

She was gone before he had a chance to say anything else. He wasn't surprised when, a few seconds later, Bodhi extricated himself from the cluster of Jedhans to follow her.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn wasn't angry. Not exactly. More stunned than anything else.

 

She strode to the nearest buffet table, picked up a plate, and started spooning on anything that looked filling. Cassian hadn't been eating well. He'd been a lean man when they met, but had managed to grow visibly thinner over the past two weeks. She wasn't going to let him starve himself.

 

“Jyn?”

 

Jyn sighed, plopping another scoop of food onto Cassian's plate before turning to face Bodhi. He stood twisting and turning his fingers around each other and rocking from foot to foot.

 

“Are – are you upset – about – about what Mayris said?” he asked softly.

 

She squeezed her lips together, searching her mind for a response. She'd had occasional, fleeting suspicions regarding Bodhi's relationship with her father, but she'd never bothered to dwell on them. It wasn't something that she wanted to matter. “Why would I be upset that my father was bisexual? Plenty of people are.”

 

Bodhi looked at the ground and shook his head. “That's not what I meant.” He flicked his eyes back up to her gaze. “I meant, are you upset that I didn't tell you, first? You – you shouldn't have had to find out this way.”

 

Jyn sighed again. Was she upset? That wasn't the word she'd apply to this situation. “It wasn't the best way to find out, no. But it's not exactly the sort of thing that comes up naturally, is it?”

 

Bodhi shook his head. “No. It's not. I – I didn't want to change things between us. But I should've found a way to tell you. I don't want to keep secrets from my friends.”

 

He had that same tone of sincerity and kindness in his voice that he'd had when he talked to Chancellor Mothma about the Jedhan survivors. Jyn was beginning to think that it wasn't just something he put on for special occasions – it was a core part of who he was. Her father would have seen that, too. After so many years of isolation and lies, she could understand exactly why her father would have been drawn to Bodhi.

 

“If you'd told me right after we met, I might have been upset. Might have resented you for being closer to my father than I ever was,” Jyn confessed. “But that was before I got to know you. And now I'm convinced that anyone who takes the time to truly get to know you can't help but love you, Bodhi.”

 

Bodhi's fidgeting stilled, and a trace of a smile lit up his face. “So we're okay?”

 

“Of course we are.” Jyn smiled back at him. “Regardless of what you were to my father, you're – you're my brother, now. That's what really matters.”

 

He looked so relieved and happy that she couldn't help but wrap her free arm around him in a half-hug, and he squeezed her back. “Thank you, Jyn,” he replied. “That's what we are, now. Family. All of us.”

 

It had been so long since she'd had a family of any kind. It brought a lump to her throat. So it wasn't just her who felt this way. Bodhi did, too. And together they could make this bizarre new family of theirs work. “Yes. We are. And... I'm glad you were with him. That you both found a little happiness before the end. I'm glad he didn't have to be alone his whole life. And I'm sorry I didn't mourn him with you the way I should have.” Her voice cracked with emotion.

 

Bodhi rubbed her back gently. “It's okay. None of us really got a chance to mourn. I'm just glad we're okay.” He stepped back. “We'd, uh, better get that back to Cassian before you drop that.” He pointed at the full plate in her hand and smiled.

 

Jyn nodded, feeling warm and comfortable all through her soul, and followed him back to the table.

 

Bodhi shot her another smile before returning to his place beside Tehma. She slid the plate in front of Cassian, sat down, and handed him a fork.

 

He took the fork, but eyed her warily. “You okay?” His eyes darted over to Bodhi for a moment before resting on her.

 

“Yes. We are. It's all worked out, no hard feelings.”

 

Cassian gave her a short nod, and toyed with his fork. “I didn't know. I'm sorry you got blindsided like that.”

 

So he still _did_ think of people besides himself – at least occasionally. She couldn't help but smirk a little. “It's alright, Cassian. We've decided that we're all family now, and families frustrate each other sometimes. Doesn't mean we don't love each other.” She leaned a little closer to him. “And when I say _family_ , that includes you. Which means I get to do things like nag you about feeding yourself properly. Now eat your dinner.”

 

He didn't quite smile, but his eyes lit up with amusement. He jabbed his fork into the nearest bite of food and shoved it into his mouth. As he chewed he met her gaze and raised an eyebrow in challenge. Jyn grinned. Thank the Force he agreed to come out tonight. He really needed this.

 

She glanced around the room, looking for another missing member of the _family_. “Speaking of family, we ought to track down Rostok sometime soon. I saw him a bit ago eating with some of his special forces friends, but I've lost track of him. We ought to warn him to expect a few more Jedhan bunkmates, soon.”

 

Cassian smiled wryly at the Jedhans, who'd launched into another another song in their native dialect. “Yes. I think this definitely warrants a warning.”

 

Though it was still early in the evening, the newcomer (or at least the newest newcomer), Tirzi Hatha, passed around glasses and poured everyone a shot of a greenish-tinged liquor that Jyn didn't recognize. It was a native Jedhan drink – something distilled from the roots of a desert shrub.

 

It was strong and peppery and she grimaced after swallowing her shot. The Jedhans all laughed at her face. Of course Cassian managed his without so much as a wince. She glared at him, and he shrugged and casually held out his glass for a refill.

 

Fine. If he wanted to play, she could play. She held out her own glass for more. And this time when she downed her shot, she didn't wince. Not one tiny bit.

 

It was enough to earn her the first real smile she'd seen on Cassian in days. Worth it. Totally worth it.

 

Before they could move on to their third round, an interesting quartet ambled up to their table to say hello.

 

Chewbaca wailed a wookie greeting (she'd picked up a few phrases during one of her jobs, but not enough to have a real conversation), and his three companions waved. It was the other set of heroes.

 

Luke's arm was around Leia's shoulders, and from the flush on their cheeks and they way they swayed in unison, Jyn guessed that they were a few shots ahead of her.

 

“Bodhi! Jyn!” Leia beamed at them.

 

“Hell of a party they got going, right?” Solo added. He caught Jyn's eye. “Erso – what the hell? You didn't think to mention you were a big-shot hero when you bumped into me the other day?”

 

Jyn rolled her eyes. “It didn't seem worth mentioning.”

 

Solo laughed. “Nice one. What a galaxy, eh? Where two old crooks like us can turn into heroes of the rebellion?”

 

“And who is this, again?” Cassian suddenly asked. His eyes were narrowed at Solo, his back suddenly tense.

 

“This is Han Solo, the friend who brought Luke and his droids to the Death Star and helped get me out of my cell so I could rescue our asses.” Leia giggled after her introduction. Maybe she was _more_ than one round of shots ahead of them. She continued. “Luke, Han, this is Captain Cassian Andor and...” Her eyes traveled over the rest of the group. “A whole gang of Jedhans. Good for you, Bodhi!”

 

“You're Captain Andor?” Luke grinned. “I'm so glad to finally meet you, Captain. What you did – leading that mission to Scarif against orders – it's amazing. Thank you!”

 

Cassian clenched his jaw before answering. “No thanks necessary. I'm just glad you turned up in time to finish the job for us.”

 

Leia patted Luke's chest. “Don't mind him. If I've learned anything about this group, it's that not one of them will take a compliment or accept gratitude.” Her voice lowered to an exaggerated whisper. “Cassian was a spy. I think he still wants to fade into the background instead of getting all this attention.”

 

“Oh! Sorry!” Luke exclaimed with wide-eyed innocence.

 

Jyn burst out laughing, earning herself a glare from Cassian. But she couldn't help herself. She never could have imagined Leia drunk. It was hilarious.

 

Han shook his head. “These kids really can't hold their liquor.” He met Jyn's eyes and offered a knowing smile.

 

“Hey – we're doing just fine. We haven't fallen over or anything!” Luke protested.

 

Jyn laughed again. “You're right, Luke. You're doing just fine,” she assured him.

 

He smiled and gave a confident nod. “See Han? We're good.”

 

“Just eat something before you have another round,” Bodhi added. “It's a trick I learned in the academy. The food helps absorb the alcohol so you can last longer.”

 

Leia pointed at him, a serious look on her face. “Good tip. Very good. Luke – let's go get some food.” With that she spun her companion toward the nearest buffet table and ambled off. Chewbaca wailed again, nodded at Han, and followed.

 

By now all of the Jedhans were laughing.

 

“I can't believe I just saw Princess Leia drunk,” Tehma said in wonder.

 

Bodhi glanced at Han. “You'll keep an eye on her? I don't think she'd like making a fool of herself.”

 

Han raised a curious eyebrow at him. “Yeah. I'll keep an eye on her. I'll only let her make a little bit of a fool of herself. I'll stop her before it gets worse than that.”

 

“Good.” Bodhi nodded.

 

Han eyed him. “So you're the Imperial defector who started all this?”

 

Bodhi blinked, wide-eyed. “Yeah?”

 

Han nodded. “Good for you.” He sank into the chair net to Jyn.

 

“Uh, thanks?” Bodhi replied.

 

By now Mayris and Neev were chatting animatedly in the dialect they'd just been singing in.

 

Han looked at the bottle in Hatha's hand. “So, what're you all drinking?”

 

“It's a Jedhan specialty,” replied Hatha. “It's called korf.”

 

“Korf, huh? Let me give it try.”

 

Hatha slid a glass to Han and passed around the rapidly diminishing bottle so everyone could pour themselves a fresh shot. Beside her Jyn could feel Cassian glaring at Han.

 

“How exactly did you become _friends_ with the princess?” Cassian asked.

 

Jyn smirked again. “They might be friends now, but he was just the smuggler that Luke and his master hired to get them and the droids from Tatooine to Alderaan. Running into the Death Star was a complete accident. Isn't that right, Solo?”

 

Han shrugged. “So what if it was? I still helped pull off the most daring rescue the galaxy has ever seen, and stuck around to cover Luke while he blew that thing away. I'd say I'm pretty solidly in the _Rebel Hero_ column now.”

 

“And you two know each other?” Cassian asked, his eyes narrowed.

 

Jyn blinked. Holy shit. Was Cassian jealous? She couldn't stop a smile from spreading on her face. “We did a job together a few years back,” she replied as casually as possible.

 

“More like you helped hire me for the job and then stole fifty credits out of my pocket,” Han retorted.

 

“You made it too easy. I hope you've stopped carrying credit chips in your back pocket since then,” Jyn bit back.

 

“I have, thank you very much. But don't worry, sweetheart. I won't ask you to pay me back. We're all on the same side now. Let bygones be bygones.” He shot her the same cocky smirk he'd worn during the medal ceremony. Jyn noticed Cassian's lips getting even thinner.

 

As fun as this was, she didn't want to push things any further. She reached out to rest her hand on Cassian's arm, just above his wrist, and gave it a squeeze, though she held Han's gaze. “Thanks. And you're right. We're all on the same side, now.”

 

Han raised his glass. “To the Rebellion.”

 

Jyn raised her own glass, and, a moment later, Cassian raised his as well. “To the Rebellion,” he said, not taking his eyes off of Han.

 

They all swallowed their shots.

 

Han nodded appreciatively and glanced back at Hatha. “This is good stuff.”

 

“Yes, it is,” Hatha replied with a grin.

 

Looking back at Jyn, Han glanced down at where her hand rested on Cassian's arm. “So are you two...?”

 

“Maybe.” “No.” They replied at the same time.

 

A pain flared in her chest at the certainty in Cassian's answer. It must have showed on her face, because Han leaned back, eyeing them. “Yeah. Well. I think I'll leave you two to sort this one out on your own.”

 

He stood and flicked his fingers at them in a casual wave. “See ya around.”

 

Jyn pulled her hand back. She knew Cassian never would have wanted to talk about the status of their relationship in public, but even so, it still stung.

 

He coughed lightly. “Sorry about that. I just... I really don't like that man. He put me on edge.”

 

His apology sounded genuine, but it didn't help much. Jyn shook her head. “Of course you don't like him. He puts all his thoughts out on the table for the world to see. Unlike some other people around here.”

 

He held her gaze, his expression wavering. But instead of another apology, he said, “I need another drink.”

 

“You and me both,” she replied.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi eyed his friends warily. Another round of shots was enough to finish off Hatha's bottle of korf, thank the Force. And while all the Jedhans were having a great time, Jyn and Cassian continued to glare at each other as if they were each looking for an excuse to start a fight.

 

Bodhi sprang to his feet and made his way to the buffet table and hastily filled two plates. He slapped them down in front of Jyn and Cassian. “Eat. It's too early for you to be angry-drunk.”

 

Cassian's eyes were downcast and Jyn nodded sheepishly.

 

Bodhi sighed. “Look, I don't know what it is that's going on between the two of you, but could you try to let it go? Just for tonight? We all really need this break. You should make the most of it while you can.”

 

They both murmured half-hearted words of agreement and started picking at their food. It was a start.

 

As the next hour passed various friends and acquaintances would drift past for short chats before moving on. After a few conversations with some old colleagues, Cassian finally seemed to loosen up. None of them had spent any time commenting on his injuries (thank the Maker), and he and Jyn had fallen back into a more friendly conversation, with Cassian filling her in on his background with everyone who'd stopped by.

 

Good. Now Bodhi could turn his attention to another matter that had been troubling him. He hadn't seen Rostok in hours.

 

When he got a chance, he grabbed Tehma and pulled him into a search. Rostok was nowhere to be found in any of the official party areas, nor was he out near the landing pads, where lots of partiers had drifted for more fresh air.

 

“Maybe he went back to our room?” Tehma suggested.

 

It was possible. Rostok had been keeping to himself a lot since they got word about Alderaan. Not that Bodhi could blame him. It hurt enough having lost his sister, nephew, and lover. Losing a child was a whole other level of pain.

 

Thankfully, Tehma was right. Rostok was on his bunk, sprawled out, a couple of empty bottles on the ground and another half-empty bottle in his hand. A holo of his son, Jarom, sat on the bunk beside him, and tear tracks marked his red cheeks.

 

Rostok waved the bottle at them and muttered something incomprehensible.

 

“This isn't good, is it?” said Tehma.

 

Bodhi shook his head. “No. It's not.” If they didn't find some way to help him, Rostok's grief was going to get the best of him one of these days.

 

Bodhi managed to take the half-empty bottle from him without much of a fight while Tehma cleaned up the empty bottles. Rostok only groaned a little when Bodhi switched off the holo, and murmured a string of curses under his breath.

 

They manged to ease Rostok down to his pillow and draped a blanket over him. Bodhi put a small trash bin next to the bed. “In case you need to vomit, okay Serchill?”

 

Rostok grunted in acknowledgment.

 

Bodhi waved a small com-unit after him. “I'm leaving this right here.” He placed the com on the small shelf over Rostok's head. “You can call me if you need anything. Just try to sleep now.”

 

Rostok grunted again and rolled onto his side, closing his eyes. Moments later he was snoring.

 

They stood staring at him a moment.

 

“What can we do for him?” Tehma asked. “I don't what to do.”

 

Bodhi sighed. “Neither do I.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian actually found himself enjoying all the stories being swapped by the Jedhans for about an hour after Bodhi and Tehma wandered off. He'd been off-base doing deep-cover missions for most of the past year. It was nice to actually be around normal soldiers again. People who could simply be themselves, instead of hiding under five layers of deceit.

 

He supposed that was one benefit of his predicament, at least. No more undercover missions. He'd never have to pretend to be anyone but himself, again. (Figuring out exactly who the real Cassian is was a whole other problem. One he wasn't entirely ready to face, yet.)

 

The way Jyn so easily fit into the flow of conversation warmed his heart. He might still be adrift – no matter how much she insisted on calling him “family” – but she had clearly found her place among these people. And to think he'd been afraid she'd have trouble fitting in here in the rebellion. He'd never been happier to be wrong.

 

He found himself staring at her while she laughed at a story from Sgt. Raarif. The more he saw her smile, the more he liked it.

 

He shouldn't let himself think this way. It would only lead to trouble. Still, Bodhi had been right. They needed this break. _He_ needed this break.

 

A few minutes later Jyn turned to him. “I'm feeling restless. Do you want to go for a walk? Or a float? Whatever?”

 

He smiled and found that he couldn't think of a single excuse. “Sure. Let's float.”

 

She grabbed a couple of new drinks for them as they passed the nearest bar, and looked around wistfully as they made their way out to the landing pads. “I've gotten quite fond of this place. I think I'm actually going to miss it after the evacuation.”

 

Cassian nodded. Though he'd kept quarters here, he'd spent far more time off-base than on it. Still, it had been a good place. It had served the rebellion well. “I think I will, too. I'll especially miss the ready supply of fresh fruit. When I was operating out of the Crait Outpost, I think I went nearly a year without a single bite of fresh fruit or vegetables.”

 

Jyn nodded, surveying the trees with her eyes. “It was the same on Wobani. But I hope that at least military rations were better than what they were serving us prisoners.”

 

“Usually,” he teased with a smile. She rarely talked about her months in Wobani. It was probably something better off forgotten.

 

She smiled back and finished her drink. “Here's hoping the next base they set up is a decent place to stay a while.”

 

Cassian had seen the short list of candidates, and none of them were anywhere nearly as comfortable as Yavin. But he could keep that to himself, for now.

 

They turned back into the hangar for another circuit of the area. This time several of his old colleagues, and even a few old recruits he helped bring in, kept stopping them to congratulate him on the success of the Scarif mission or to spend a few minutes catching up. Only two of them even mentioned the chair – a far better ratio than he'd expected. It was nice to catch up with them. Nice to be remembered. Nice to be offered drinks almost every time they stopped to chat.

 

Cassian wasn't much of as drinker, as a rule, but decided to make tonight the exception. He was glad he did. With every drink he found himself smiling more. He really did have a lot of friends, here, didn't he? He started waving and calling out to everyone he recognized. Jyn was snickering at him. Whatever. She was the one who brought him here, wasn't she? She should be happy he was socializing.

 

By the time they made it to the dance floor, Cassian's head was getting spinny. He'd definitely had more than a little too much to drink.

 

The music was loud and the dance floor was crowded, but just one couple caught his eye, and without warning he burst out laughing.

 

“Cassian?” Jyn asked.

 

He pointed at the sight – Dr. Garra spinning around the dance floor with the wookie – and laughed even harder. Jyn still looked puzzled. After a moment he managed to speak through his laughter. “My doctor is dancing with a wookie.” He laughed even harder. He couldn't stop himself. He had no idea why, but this was the funniest thing he'd seen in forever. “My doctor is dancing with a wookie!” he wheezed, his sides aching from the laughter.

 

Jyn's expression turned into a broad grin. “Kriffing hell, Cassian. You're a happy drunk!”

 

“I'm not a happy drunk. I'm always like this.” He tried to hold onto a straight face, but burst out laughing again.

 

Jyn's jaw dropped, and she started laughing along with him. She was so pretty when she laughed.

 

“You're so pretty when you laugh.” Did he just say that out loud?

 

Her jaw dropped even lower. Okay. He must have said it.

 

She shook her head. “Stars, Cassian. If I'd known you were a happy drunk I would have tried to get you smashed days ago.”

 

“Pppumf. Whatever. I don't drink like this most of the time. Am I shouting?”

 

She nodded, her eyes shining with delight. “Yes. Just a little.”

 

“Hey!” he pointed at the man sauntering toward them. “It's your smuggler! Should we try to pick his pocket again?” Cassian chuckled at his own joke.

 

Solo drew up short, glancing back and forth between them. “Looks like you managed to get him to loosen up a little.”

 

“She didn't have to. I'm always like this. You don't know me, Solo.” Dickhead.

 

“Sure.” Solo nodded. He glanced back at Jyn again. “Hey, if you think giggles here can look after himself for a few minutes, you wanna dance?”

 

Giggles? That man dared call him giggles?! “No. No she doesn't.” He shot his arm out to grasp Jyn's hand, managing to bump his chair controls, jostling it to bounce lightly up and down a few times. He laughed at the unexpected motion, momentarily forgetting all about Solo. But when the chair settled down, he saw him again. The dickhead was staring at him. “Go stare at someone else. We're on a walk.” He tightened his grip on Jyn's hand.

 

“Cassian,” she chided him softly. But she didn't let go of his hand. Ha. That would put Solo in his place.

 

Solo raised his eyebrows. “Well. Looks like he finally came down on the side of _maybe_. Good luck with that, Jyn.”

 

“Thanks. I think I'll manage.”

 

“You know I'm right here, Solo. Why do you talk like I'm not right here?” Cassian retorted.

 

Solo leaned toward him. “Alright buddy, I'll talk to you. You shouldn't be out on a walk right now – you should be in your bed, sleeping it off.” He straightened up. “See you around, Erso,” he said, and then strode away.

 

Huh. That was weird. He looked up at Jyn. “He seems to think I'm too drunk to be here. Do you think I'm too drunk to be here? Because I'm having a fabulous time.”

 

Jyn sighed. “I'm glad you're having a fabulous time, Cassian. I really am. But I think he has a point. You really have had a few too many drinks.”

 

“Hmm.” His head was spinning again. “Okay. Maybe you're right. Maybe we should head our walk in the direction of my room.”

 

“That sounds like a good call.” She smiled.

 

Good. She was happy again. All he wanted was for Jyn to be happy. He grinned at her. “I like it when you're happy.”

 

She squeezed his hand. “I like it when you're happy, too.”

 

They headed back in the direction of his quarters. He found that maneuvering his chair while holding Jyn's hand wasn't the easiest thing in the world. He kept bumping the chair into her. After the fourth (or was it fifth?) time, she finally pulled her hand free. “I think you need to focus on steering this thing.”

 

“No,” he moaned. He really liked holding her hand. “Wait.” He pushed the button to halt his chair.

 

“What is it?” Jyn asked.

 

“I know exactly what to do,” he said, impressed by the brilliance of his idea. Why hadn't he thought of it sooner? “Come here.” He patted his lap. “Sit down.”

 

Her jaw dropped again. “Cassian!”

 

“Come on,” he pleaded. “It'll be fun.”

 

She shook her head. “You really are the most ridiculous drunk.” But in spite of her words, she moved toward him and balanced her toes on the edge of the footrest and maneuvered her way into his lap. She settled in with a pleasant wiggle, and the chair sank under her weight.

 

“Holy hell, woman! How much do you weigh?”

 

She glared at him, and he laughed. “I'm kidding!”

 

She shook her head. “I never would have believed it if someone told me you were a ridiculous happy drunk. _Never._ I doubt Bodhi will believe me, either.”

 

“Why? I'm a fun guy.” He didn't have to be drunk to be fun.

 

She grinned and shook her head again. “Prove it. See how fast you can fly this thing without crashing us.”

 

Now this was more like it. “I like a challenge.”

 

“I thought you might.”

 

He gripped the chair controls. “Ready?”

 

“Ready,” she replied.

 

He pressed the forward control and the speed booster at the same time. The chair lurched forward and Jyn had to grip his arms to stay in his lap.

 

After regaining her balance she wrapped an arm around his shoulders and laughed. “I think we're going almost as fast as a slow jog. Not bad.”

 

“It'd be faster if I wasn't carrying all this heavy cargo,” he teased.

 

“I'm pure muscle, I'll have you know,” she retorted, laughing again.

 

They got a few incredulous looks as they floated swiftly through the corridors, but Cassian couldn't stop smiling. This was the most fun he'd had in... ever, maybe?

 

“Stop! Stop!” Jyn cried. “You just went past your door.” She giggled.

 

“I did?” he said, slowing the chair so he could spin it around. He hadn't even noticed.

 

“Yes. Turn us around.” Once they spun 180 degrees she pointed. “See? Right there.”

 

“Huh. You're right.” He floated the chair slowly toward his door and pressed the button to remotely slide his door open.

 

“Nice,” Jyn murmured. “I wonder if your room will be this plush on our evac ship.”

 

“Doubt it. Ship space is tight.” He cruised the chair through his door, pressing the button to close it behind them, and pulled up alongside the bed. “Here we are. A safe landing.”

 

“Nice flying, Captain.” She met his eyes with a grin.

 

Fuck, he wanted to kiss her. But he wasn't supposed to do that. Was he?

 

After a moment of silence, she slid off of his lap. The chair immediately rose a few inches. “See what I mean?” he insisted.

 

She folded her arms and glared again. “If you say anything more about my weight, I swear I'll sabotage that thing to run you into walls every time you leave your room.”

 

“What if I just say you're the perfect size to fit in my lap?” he replied. Shit. He hadn't meant to say that.

 

She smiled. “I think I'm okay with that.”

 

“Okay.” Okay. He probably needed to get her out of here. He was supposed to be drawing a line, wasn't he? But why?

 

Fuck, she was pretty.

 

And he was still completely in love with her.

 

He sat staring, wondering what the hell he was going to do next.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn's eyes remained locked with Cassian's as silence fell over the room. It was only lit by a motion activated wall lamp over his bed, but even in the dim light his brown eyes were so deep she could drown in them.

 

Tonight had shown her a whole new side of Cassian that she hadn't known existed. She knew that spies were supposed to be charming and come across as trustworthy – that's how they got information out of people. But before tonight she'd only ever caught occasional glimpses of that side of him. Now she felt like she could clearly imagine the charming and clever young man he must have been when he first caught Draven's eye. The type of kid who could charm men and women alike. The type of kid who would've thought that adopting a sarcastic murder-droid as his sidekick was a grand joke.

 

All those years of black ops had nearly beaten that charming kid out of him – but tonight, with Cassian's walls down, she'd finally seen him. She could finally let herself hope that it wasn't too late to pull him out of the pit of self-loathing that years of doing Draven's dirty work combined with a disabling injury had pushed him into.

 

She wanted to see who he would become once his was finally ready to put his painful past behind him. She wanted it more than she wanted nearly anything else.

 

“I should probably get to bed,” he murmured.

 

“Yeah. Probably.” She bit her lower lip. Did he want her to leave?

 

He lowered one arm of his chair and scooted off it and onto his bed, flopping back on his pillow with a sigh. “I think I could sleep for days.”

 

“Then I'd better get your boots off,” Jyn replied. She stepped forward and started tugging open his boot laces. He grinned up at her as she pulled his boots off one at a time and set them on the floor next to his bed.

 

“Thank you,” he said, “for making me come out, tonight. You were right. I needed this.”

 

She smiled and stepped close enough to tangle her fingers with his. “You're welcome. I hope you'll start coming out more often, now. You really do need it.”

 

“I do.” He sighed, wrapping his hand around hers more tightly. “I know I do.” He gave her hand a little tug.

 

Jyn took the hint and sat down on the edge of the bed next to him. He rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb as he stared up into her eyes. Her heart beat a little faster in her chest. She reached out to smooth his fringe back from his face. He caught that hand in his and tugged. “Come here,” he whispered.

 

She leaned down, and kissed him.

 

Their kisses were noisy and sloppy and more than a little clumsy as she moved to stretch out on the bed beside him. But at they same time they were also very nearly perfect.

 

She didn't want to think about what would come next – about what might happen tomorrow, once he sobered up. All she wanted was to lose herself in this moment – mouth against mouth – hands roaming each other's bodies – legs tangled up – breathing each other's breath. This was it. Right now, nothing else mattered.

 

After a few minutes of long, sleepy kisses, Cassian pulled back a bit and took a deep breath. “We're not supposed to be doing this.”

 

“Why not?” He clearly wanted it just as much as she did. What else mattered?

 

He thought for a moment. “I don't remember.”

 

“Well then...” She leaned in to catch his lips with hers again.

 

Another minute of lingering kisses went by before he pulled back a second time. He shook his head and whispered. “We're really not supposed to be doing this.”

 

Jyn clenched her teeth in frustration. He must have his reasons – whatever they might be. And he really was too drunk to think clearly. It would be wrong of her to take advantage of that. She'd been on the opposite side of that equation before, and she knew how awful it felt in the morning. She would never do that to him. “Okay,” she whispered back. “If you really want to stop, I'll stop.”

 

He closed his eyes and sighed. “I don't want to stop, but I think I need to stop. I need to.”

 

Jyn nodded. “Okay. Okay.” What did that even mean? But there was no point in asking right now. She didn't think he was capable of being any more coherent at the moment. She took a breath. “Do you want me to leave? Or can I stay until you fall asleep?” She held her breath, waiting for an answer.

 

His whole body seemed to relax beside hers. “Stay,” he whispered, his eyes still closed. “You can stay.”

 

Good. Things couldn't be too bad if he wanted her to stay. “Okay,” she whispered back, and shifted her body to settle in beside him in a less overtly sexual way. “You can go to sleep, now. Everything's good. You can sleep.”

 

He hummed contentedly and wrapped an arm around her, pulling her a little closer. She smiled. As his breathing slowed, she could feel herself start to drift toward sleep as well. For a moment she considered leaving, but quickly dismissed the thought and let herself enjoy the warmth of curling up next to him.

 

This had been one of the best days of her life, and she couldn't think of a more perfect way to end it.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian woke with a start to the sensation of a small, warm body spooned against his.

 

He opened his eyes and blinked. His arm was draped over the curve of Jyn's body with his hand nestled comfortably between her breasts.

 

Shit.

 

He'd made a terrible mistake.

 

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously I had to use a quote from “Story of Tonight” for a chapter with a drunken-rebel party! Plus tomorrow there really will be more of them, because they keep picking up more Jedhans.
> 
> I'm loving working the original trio into this story. Leia is going to have the biggest ongoing role, but having the boys pop in for cameos is so much fun. I'm not a drinker myself, so I hope I did alright in my portrayal of “happy drunk” Cassian. 
> 
> *fingers crossed* that I can stay on this once-a-week schedule, but no guarantees.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn and Cassian have a serious conversation. Bodhi explores the role of the Force in his life. The team prepares for the evacuation of Yavin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter is front-loaded with a some more angst, but from the middle of the chapter on things will be headed uphill again.

> “Love doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints. It takes and it takes and it takes. And we keep loving anyway. We laugh and we cry and we break and we make our mistakes.”
> 
>  
> 
> - _Wait For It_ , Lin Manuel Miranda's _Hamilton_

 

 

 

Cassian's first dilemma of the morning was to figure out how to get out of bed and to the refresher without waking Jyn. An uncomfortable conversation was inevitable, but he at least wanted to postpone it until after he'd relieved himself.

 

Cassian's memories of the party were a little jumbled, but were sufficiently clear to know he'd had enough sense to stop things with Jyn before they went too far – though not soon enough to prevent him from encouraging a continuation of their attachment.

 

Idiot. He was supposed to backing off, not giving her rides in his float chair (he couldn't believe he did that, but his memories were pretty clear) or making out with her in his bed.

 

She deserved so much better than an aimless cripple, but she'd never be able to move on if he kept doing shit like this.

 

At least she wasn't lying between him and his chair – a small miracle. He slowly drew back the arm he had wrapped around her chest, trying to ignore how comfortable the embrace had been and trying to ignore the way her fingertips unconsciously pressed against his skin as if to stop him from pulling away. (He failed on both counts. Getting over this – getting over _her –_ might take the rest of his life. He only hoped it would be easier for her. She deserved a chance at happiness.)

 

He'd just managed to scoot himself onto his chair when she rolled over to face him, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “Is it morning already?” she mumbled.

 

“Yeah. I'm just going to the 'fresher. I'll be back in a few minutes.”

 

“Okay.” She smiled – a sleepy, happy, peaceful smile – and settled back onto his pillow with a sigh.

 

His heart stirred at the sight.

 

Fuck. Why was he doing this to himself?

 

Inside the refresher, after relieving himself, he splashed some cold water on his face (getting some down his front in the process – hadn't learned to manage the fucking chair around a sink, yet) and smoothed his hair back from his face.

 

He was doing this because she deserved better, he reminded himself. He was doing this because it was selfish to cling to her and turn this “almost” into a real relationship knowing full well that in a few weeks or a few months she'd wake up and realize she was only still with him out of a sense of obligation.

 

He was doing this because he had no fucking clue what came next in his life, while she had all the prospects of a bright career ahead of her.

 

He was doing this because...

 

_What if he was wrong? What if he was making the wrong choice and hurting both of them in the process?_

 

He stared at himself in the mirror and saw a thin, hollow-eyed face staring back at him. A face aged prematurely by how he'd lived and the things he'd done.

 

If there was a Force, maybe this injury was its way of balancing the scales of justice. He'd done enough light to evade a sentence of death, but he'd done so much darkness in pursuit of that light that he needed to face a consequence. This was it.

 

He wondered how real heroes, like Leia and Skywalker and Bodhi, would look at him if they knew all the things he'd done. Some were deeds he'd been ordered to do, others were things he chose to do for the “greater good” of preserving important intelligence for the Rebellion – like when he killed Tivik.

 

Leia might understand. She was pragmatic enough to accept that dark deeds were sometimes necessary. But there would never again be casual teasing or friendly smiles like she'd offered last night.

 

As for Skywalker and Bodhi... He closed his eyes and winced. He never wanted Bodhi to know who and what he truly was. He didn't think he could bear to see the trust crumbling in his eyes.

 

Jyn might understand. He'd read her file and he'd guessed at many of the things that never made it to the file in the first place. Her deeds might not quite match his for darkness, but she'd been in the dark long enough to understand. Maybe....

 

No. He shook his head. It was unfair of him to think he could use her to gain some sort of absolution for his past. He couldn't do that to her.

 

He took a deep breath. It was time to get this over with.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn eased herself to a sitting position, leaning against the wall at the head of Cassian's bed.

 

He'd looked uncomfortable when he headed to the refresher, but not as uncomfortable as he could have, given the circumstances. After all this was a whole new thing for them – waking up together, alone, in his bed. All their previous kisses had been under more extreme circumstances – when facing death on Scarif, and then twice in the medbay, first when celebrating their survival and again the first time he moved his legs. But all of those moments had been frustrated by the events that followed them. This was their first shot at something resembling normal. She was willing to admit that they probably weren't entirely ready for a relationship – the alcohol had rushed things along a bit. But now that they were here, she hoped for the best.

 

Cassian, on the other hand, had been pretty stupid about these things so far, and she was prepared for at least a little idiocy on his part. But surely he'd get over it soon, wouldn't he?

 

She bit her bottom lip and fidgeted with her hair, half of which had fallen out of the braid from yesterday. Why was he taking so long?

 

Finally the refresher door opened and he maneuvered the float-chair toward her. He already looked nervous and twitchy. She squeezed her lips together. Fine. Time to wade through a little more noble idiocy before he could finally settle down and accept things as they were.

 

“Good morning,” she said. “How's your head? I think you outpaced me by three or four drinks.”

 

He shook his head. “It's nothing a strong cup of caf won't take care of.” He sighed. “I haven't gotten drunk like that in forever.” He met her eyes earnestly. “If I ever offer to give you a ride in this thing again, would you please talk me out of it?”

 

Jyn laughed, “And miss all the wonderful expressions of disbelief on everyone's faces? Sorry. It was too much fun. You are the most gloriously silly drunk. Never would have predicted that. It makes me want to get you drunk more often.”

 

Cassian glared at her. “That's exactly why I avoid over-drinking.”

 

Jyn shrugged. “It's not like you'll be going undercover anymore. There's no reason why you can't loosen up more often, now.”

 

From the wince on his face she knew she'd said the wrong thing – reminded him too pointedly of his new limitations.

 

He clenched his jaw for a moment before responding. “Look, Jyn, last night was fun. You were right. I needed to get out and be around people. But things got a little out of hand.”

 

“And here it comes.” She rolled her eyes and sat up a little taller, sitting cross-legged.

 

“Here what comes?” he said, frowning.

 

“That thing you do,” she gestured at him, “where you act like you're doing me a favor by pushing me away.”

 

“Maybe I am doing you a favor,” he snapped. She hadn't thought he'd get riled so quickly – the hangover must be worse than he was letting on.

 

“How?” she snapped back. “Because your reasons aren't as evident as you think they are.”

 

“You want the truth?” he asked, waving his hand in frustration.

 

“Yes. I do.” Better for him to get it out of his system right up front than to bottle it up and let it fester.

 

“I'm no good for you,” he bit out. “You deserve better than tying yourself down to someone like me.”

 

“Better than the man I care about who's made it pretty clear that he cares for me, too? Unless that was an act and you make a habit out of charming women you don't care about.”

 

“Of course I care for you!” He looked startled that he'd actually admitted it. “Do you honestly believe I'm the type of man who would kiss you if I didn't have feelings for you?”

 

A little thrill ran through her at the confession. She'd been pretty certain, but hearing it still made a difference. “No. I don't think that. But what I don't understand is, if we both have feelings for each other, then why do you keep pushing me away?”

 

He looked away from her gaze and clenched and unclenched his fist. “I'm no good at relationships. I haven't even tried in years.”

 

“That makes two of us,” Jyn replied. She scooted to the edge of the bed and let her feet hit the cool stone floor. “I suppose I thought we'd figure it out together. Like we did on Scarif.”

 

“A relationship is different from an intelligence heist.” He frowned again.

 

She shrugged. “I know that. I'm not daft. But we figured out how to be partners in that, we can figure out how to be partners in other things, as well.”

 

For a moment something like hope flickered in his eyes, but then he looked away again. “We won't have time. There's no way we'll be stationed together for long after the evacuation.”

 

“Yes. We will.” If that was his only problem, then this was an easy fix.

 

“You don't know that,” he retorted.

 

“I do know it. I made a deal with Mothma. Bodhi and I. We only agreed to be part of their propaganda ceremony if they would agree to keep all the survivors of Rogue One together until you and Rostok are both declared fit for full-time duty, and if we had the right to decline unwanted assignments after that.” She smiled and nodded at him. There. That ought to satisfy him – after he got his outrage out of his system.

 

“You did what?” His voice was low and tense. “I told you I didn't want you taking care of me like a child.”

 

“I saw a chance to solve our problem, and I solved it,” she said.

 

“Without consulting me. Without even giving me a choice,” he barked back.

 

Now this was too much. “And how is that different from what you're doing with me? You're doing it right now – trying act like you know better than I do who or what I should want. Why shouldn't I try to keep us together when I had a chance?”

 

“Because it should have been my choice,” his face twisted in anger and his voice raised almost to a yell.

 

She jumped to her feet. She'd had enough of this. “And you really would have chosen to be sent off by yourself, even after admitting that isolation is bad for you?”

 

“Yes!”

 

Her breath caught in her throat and her heart raced. She'd known he'd be an idiot, but this was more than that. She swayed on her feet and shook her head. “Are you honestly telling me that in spite of how we both feel about each other, you don't want to be with me?”

 

Silence fell over them for a moment as his face settled back into his spy's mask. His voice was just over a whisper when he replied, “Yes.”

 

“Fuck you, Cassian.” She turned and stormed to the door, tears burning in her eyes.

 

She paused at the door, resting her hand against the door frame, and took a breath to steady herself.

 

“He does want to be with you – he wants it so much I can feel the want radiating off of him,” Chirrut said softly, murmuring into her ear. “It's himself he doesn't want. If he could transform into someone else – someone unbroken by decades of pain – he'd be with you in an instant.”

 

Jyn squeezed her eyes shut. What did that matter? Cassian was who he was. Nothing would change that.

 

“Be patient. Time can heal all things, little sister.”

 

But right now Cassian wasn't giving her time. He wouldn't let her stay.

 

“He's so angry right now, it's clouding all his choices. He gave his whole heart and soul to the Rebellion, and when he needed something in return, they failed him. It's not just his body that's broken – it's his heart and his faith. Yet he's still so loyal to his cause that instead of letting out his anger, he's turned it all on himself. It's burning him from the inside out, and he doesn't even realize it. I know, because Baze was the same way when his faith crumbled. He needs you now more than ever, even if he says he doesn't.”

 

Jyn squeezed her teeth together and blotted away her tears with the back of her hand. “It's not my job to fix you, Cassian.” She said it as much for Chirrut as for Cassian. She might agree with Chirrut, but she was no miracle worker. She'd been as broken by the past decade of her life as Cassian had been by the past decade of his. How could she possibly make things better for him?

 

“I know that,” Cassian murmured. “That's why you're better off without me.”

 

She spun to face him, anger welling inside of her. “Bullshit. Stop with all the bullshit. I do not want to be on a pedestal. You put me there. Not me.”

 

His forehead wrinkled as he stared at her. “What are talking about?”

 

She waved her arms at her sides as she spoke. “I'm talking about all this kriffing nonsense about me deserving better than you, about me being better off without you, like somehow I'm so far above you and you're some sort of scum. It's such bullshit!”

 

“You don't know the things I've done – horrible, unthinkable things.” His voice was low and dangerous.

 

“I know you were a spy and an assassin, so I have a pretty good idea,” she retorted. “At least the shit you did was for a worthy cause – I committed crimes and hurt people to save my own skin. How does that make me better than you? Fuck that. You're not the things you did. They don't define you.”

 

“So what does?” he demanded, his eyes full of fire.

 

Jyn leaned back against the door, exhausted. It was too damn early for this. “Your choices do. You chose the Rebellion, even though the job was eating you up from the inside. You chose to take care of the Guardians and Bodhi when you didn't have to. I know you weren't kind to them just to finish your mission – you were kind because you chose to be kind. And you chose to come back for me when you had no reason to. You chose not to pull the trigger on my father. You chose to have faith in me – to believe me.” Her throat tightened up. “You chose to climb that kriffing tower with a blaster wound and a fractured spine! And...” she fought back a quiver in her voice, “and you wanted to know me. To be with me. No one's ever wanted that before. If you think I deserve better than that, I have no idea where you expect me to find it.”

 

He looked down at his hands, but she thought she saw the gleam of tears in his eyes. “I don't even know who I am, anymore, Jyn.”

 

She was finally getting through to him. “For starters, you're a friend. To me, to Bodhi, to Rostok and Yavi. And all those people who wanted to talk to you last night. I don't even think it's yourself that you're doubting. Not really. It's the Rebellion.”

 

He shook his head.

 

“It's okay,” she said. “It's okay to be angry at the Rebellion – angry at Draven. You tore yourself to pieces to serve them. You led a nearly impossible mission to save them when they were too fractured and cowardly to save themselves. And then they repaid you by turning you into a cripple. The only person who had the guts to defy Draven's horrific orders was a single nurse, and she wasn't enough to save you on her own. So yes, be angry. Be pissed as hell. You never once failed the Rebellion, but it sure as hell failed you. So stop focusing all this anger and doubt on yourself – and for fuck's sake stop using our feelings for each other as another way to torture yourself! That's not fair. Be angry at the people who deserve it. Just let yourself be angry, Cassian!”

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian stared at the clenched fists in his lap. He could feel a deep well of anger boiling inside of him, like a geyser about to blow. How had she known? How had she seen that anger when he hadn't even acknowledged it himself? He been so in denial – so determined to carry on like the problem was inside of _him_ instead of with the Rebellion he'd served for so long.

 

But now he saw it clearly. He felt it in every cell of his body.

 

After all he'd done for them – after all he'd sacrificed – how could they turn on him like this? How could _Draven_ turn on him like this, without a second thought? Like he was nothing but a scab to be peeled off and thrown away. Like he was an inconvenience.

 

_Just like I did with Tivik and so many others. They stood in the way of the mission, so I killed them._

 

And once Draven saw Cassian as standing in the way, he'd made the same call that Cassian had made far too many times.

 

Cassian was so lost. Did he deserve some form of loyalty from the Rebellion for his years of service, or was he just as easily expendable as the informants he'd turned on or the Imperials he'd duped and then disposed of?

 

In the end, what was it all for? All the heartache and the guilt and the isolation? What had been the point, if the very people he fought for were willing to turn on him in the blink of an eye?

 

The geyser grew hotter and hotter inside of him. He didn't know what to do.

 

“Who am I without them?!” he met Jyn's gaze, desperation coloring his voice. “I've given my whole life to this Rebellion. I started doing group intelligence operations when I was thirteen years old, and became a solo agent when I was seventeen. This is my whole life! I don't know anything else. If I give up on them for what they did to me, then who am I? What's left of me? But they turned on me, first. They ruined my life! I don't know what what to do.”

 

He felt dizzy and nauseous. He wanted to smash something – to watch something crumble into dust.

 

He wanted Kay back. Losing him hurt as bad as losing a limb – it hurt as bad losing his legs. He'd given _everything_ that mattered to him to that mission, and when they came back, Draven had treated him like a pariah.

 

“It's not fair,” he shouted. He pounded his fists against the arms of his chair. “Why did he do this to me? Why?”

 

He sounded like a petulant child, but he couldn't stop himself. Jyn had opened up something inside of him that he didn't know was there. “Fuck him! Fuck all of them! It's not fair!”

 

“I know it's not,” Jyn's voice seemed so soft of reasonable compared to his unhinged rant. She walked up to stand beside his chair. She took his hand. “And nothing's ever going to make it fair. It happened. There's no changing that. You just need to learn to live with it.”

 

He squeezed her hand and leaned his head against her stomach. He just wanted to stop hurting. He wanted it to be over.

 

She combed the fingers of her free hand through his hair and held him close.

 

“I don't know what to do,” he murmured. “I don't know how to live with this.”

 

She rubbed the back of his neck with her fingers. “You take one day at time. The pain will always be there, but eventually it'll fade to the background, and you learn to live with it. Just another scar. Trust me. I know the pain of betrayal. I've lived with it most of my life, and I'm still here. I'm still going. You can make it, too.”

 

He took a deep breath and nodded slightly, still savoring the comfort of her embrace. Already the hot anger inside of him was receding to a simmer. “One day at a time. I hate not having a plan, you know.”

 

He could hear the smile in her voice. “I figured as much. But I have a plan for you.”

 

He tilted his head back to look up at her. How did he ever get so lucky? She should have stormed out and left him to his own pathetic misery. But here she still was. “What is it?”

 

“You heal. They've given you time and resources. Take them. Get yourself as well as you possibly can. And once you're there, then you can make a decision about what comes next.”

 

He swallowed. It sounded so simple. But still so daunting. “Once I get there, what if I decide I can't work for them anymore? What if I can't get past what they did to me?”

 

“Then you either leave, or you decide that you don't have to give up on something just because you're angry at it.”

 

“How do I make that choice?”

 

She shrugged. “You ask your friends for help. That's what friends do.”

 

He took another deep breath, feeling almost back to normal again – or at least to his new normal. “Thank you for putting up with me. I've been treating you like shit, and it's not fair.”

 

“Yes, you have, and no it's not,” she said.

 

Fuck. He shook his head. “I'm sorry.”

 

She squeezed his hand. “I forgive you.”

 

The peace that seeped through him at those words was indescribable. Suns and stars he was so in love with her. But he was still a fucking mess.

 

“Jyn...” How could he even say this without making things worse?

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I've been hurting you. And I don't want to keep on hurting you. But I don't trust myself right now. I'm a mess, and I don't know how long it'll take me to get my head on straight again.”

 

Her eyes closed for a moment and he saw her shoulders slump. “You still think we need to put this thing between us on hold, don't you?”

 

He sighed. She sounded more resigned than hurt. He supposed that was progress, of a sort. “I'm sorry.”

 

She stepped back a little, but didn't let go of his hand. “I think I understand, this time. You're not the only one who's hurting right now, and having you run hot and cold on me hasn't been making it any easier.”

 

“I'm sorry,” he repeated helplessly. “And thank you. For understanding. Now just isn't the right time.” He'd hurt her so much already. Until he could pull his shit together, he didn't trust himself to be the man she deserved.

 

That didn't make it any less painful.

 

“So,” she said, “is this more of a _maybe never,_ or more of a _maybe someday_?” There was a little hitch in her voice.

 

Let this be the incentive he needed to work harder – to get better. “I hope it can be a _maybe someday_.”

 

She gave his hand another squeeze before letting go. “Okay.”

 

He looked away from her gaze. “Of course I don't expect anything from you. I don't expect you to wait for me.”

 

“For fuck's sake, Cassian, would you just shut up while you're ahead?”

 

He couldn't help but smile up at her. “Okay.”

 

“Good.” She glared at him.

 

There was a moment of silence as they both breathed, taking in all that had happened.

 

“Well,” Jyn finally said, “I think I need a shower and a meal and I'm probably already late for work, so I should get on with it. Promise me you'll come out today? Go eat at the mess and go talk to some friends?”

 

Yes. These were things he needed to do if he was going to pull himself together. “I promise.”

 

She nodded. “Okay. Well. I'll see you around, then.”

 

“See you around,” he murmured back.

 

She grabbed her boots from beside the bed and slipped out without another word, leaving him with an ache in his chest that probably wouldn't be going away any time soon.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn bit her bottom lip as she strode away from Cassian's room. She had to turn several times before she finally found a dark stone niche where she could slip out of sight. She leaned back against the wall and let the sob she'd been holding in escape.

 

Tears rolled down her cheeks, and she sank to the ground, hugging her knees to her chest.

 

She understood why he wanted to back off from a relationship. He _had_ been hurting her. And he _did_ need to put his physical and mental health first, right now. So why did it still feel like a boot to the chest?

 

It felt like she was reliving one of the darkest moments of her life – that morning when, after a tense, sleepless night of waiting in the bunker where Saw left her, she finally ventured out to find that the partisans were gone. All the ships. All the equipment. Gone.

 

He'd left her.

 

She saw that same pain of abandonment and betrayal in Cassian's eyes, today. She was glad he was finally acknowledging it – finally letting himself feel it and face it. But he was still determined to keep her at arms length while he did so.

 

After all her wins over the past few days – ensuring that she and the other survivors could stay together and coming to a closer understanding with Bodhi and embracing the fact that they'd assembled a family together – she felt so ready to take on this relationship with Cassian, too. For the first time in her life she thought she'd found a partner she could truly share herself with.

 

And he wasn't ready.

 

Another sob escaped her throat, and she fought to regain control.

 

“You did good, little star.” Chirrut sat beside her, a reassuring smile on his face. “You got him to open up even more than I expected. This is his first step to true healing, and you made it happen.”

 

“He still doesn't want to be with me,” she murmured.

 

Chirrut sighed. “No – he wants to be with you very much, but he's terrified of hurting you so badly that he drives you away. Those are two very different things.”

 

“It doesn't feel very different, right now.” She rubbed her eyes, and noticed smudges of eye makeup on her hands. She must look like a terror.

 

“It will. Give it time.”

 

She squeezed her lips together and shook her head. “Is this why the Force let you stick around? To give me relationship advice?”

 

Chirrut chuckled. “No. It let me stay for Bodhi and Tehma – to be their guide along their journey. But I'm glad it's given me the chance to help you, as well.”

 

Jyn relaxed a little, glad for a distraction. “So gathering Jedhan survivors is really what the Force wants from them?”

 

“It's the beginning of their journey, yes.”

 

“Just the beginning?” She raised her eyebrows. “What's the end, then?”

 

Chirrut shook his head. “All will be revealed when the time is right.”

 

“Of course.” She sighed. “Do you ever chat with them like this?”

 

“So far they haven't opened themselves to the Force as fully as you have – though your talk with Bodhi yesterday is finally moving him in that direction.” Chirrut lounged beside her as if they were two old friends casually chatting, rather than a struggling young woman and the ghost of a man she barely knew before she led him to his death. This was one of the strange realities of her life that Jyn was still getting used to.

 

“I've actually found,” Chirrut continued, “that while you weren't chosen by the Force for this journey, you have the potential to be one of the strongest allies Bodhi and Tehma could ever hope to find. Your heart is very open to love and attachment right now, and you also have a very strong affinity for the Force. I suspect that affinity is part of what helped you survive on your own for so long. And now you're using it to help your friends. They are already further along their path than they would have been without you.”

 

“So are you recruiting me to the cause, now?” She smiled. It would be fitting – that he recruit her to this mission of rebuilding a culture, after she led him on a mission to destroy a weapon that could obliterated cultures.

 

“I suppose I am. Your friends will benefit a great deal if you choose to walk this path with them. But if you find another path that you prefer, the Force will place other allies in our path. This is the way of the Force. It connects and guides every particle of this universe, and it always finds a way to fulfill its purpose.”

 

Jyn reached up to toy with her crystal and stared at it – the way it caught the light even in this dim niche. “Do you preach to Bodhi and Tehma like this?”

 

“I don't have to. They've begun to study the books I left behind for them. Those texts will teach them all they need to know of the Force. But I have a feeling you're not much of a reader.” He grinned.

 

“Ha. You've got me on that one.” She smiled, running her fingers along the length of the crystal.

 

“Think about my offer. Your friends will be grateful for your help, and they will welcome you as a sister for the rest of their lives if you let them. This isn't the only path open to you, but it would be a good one.”

 

Jyn nodded. “It is appealing. I'll think about it carefully.”

 

Chirrut nodded. “Good. And there is no rush. You'll be together for a few months regardless of your choice. And so will Cassian. His new path has not yet opened. But once it has, you will have to choose your path, as well.”

 

“You've seen our futures?” Jyn sat a little straighter and stared at him.

 

“Just glimpses,” Chirrut said. “Enough to know that your captain will find the healing that he needs and the purpose that he has been seeking. He is destined to live the life of a caretaker – devoted to tending to the needs of others – and that calling will finally heal the wounds in his soul.”

 

“A caretaker?” Jyn clutched at her crystal and shifted to rise up on her knees. “What does that mean? Is he going to leave the Rebellion?”

 

Chirrut shook his head. “I've shared all that I can. Be patient with him, and with yourself.” He rose to his feet. “Consider your path carefully. There are many paths that will lead you to satisfaction and respect, but only a few that will lead you to love, as well.”

 

“I don't understand. What do you mean?”

 

But Chirrut had already stepped away, vanishing into the shadows.

 

~ ~ ~

 

After a shower and a change of clothes, Cassian took a deep breath and opened his door. He felt like his talk with Jyn had finally woken him up to the reality of his situation. He couldn't hide from it any more. It was time to get out there and make something of his future – both for himself, and for the possibility of working things out with Jyn once he'd pulled himself together.

 

It was the tail end of the breakfast hour when he arrived in the mess. He'd barely floated in when Bodhi came dashing up to him.

 

“Thank the Maker you're here,” Bodhi said.

 

“Uh, thanks.” What was going on?

 

Bodhi lowered his voice. “I've got Serchill over there. He's not doing good. Losing his son and... and everything. He's spiraling. I think it would be best if we don't leave him alone for long.”

 

Cassian blinked. He'd been so focused on his own problems that he hadn't even wondered about Rostok. “He's really that bad?”

 

“Yeah.” Bodhi sighed. “He's supposed to go to the medbay after breakfast to get his leg installed. I was going to take the morning off to stay with him, but if you can go with him, I think it would be good to go to my shift. We're starting evac prep today, and I feel like I need to set a good example, now that they gave me that big award. Y'know?”

 

Cassian could see how that public recognition could add a new weight to Bodhi's shoulders – especially now that he was gathering a whole flock of Jedhan admirers. “I'll stay with him. We can go to the fitness center after. Help each other with our physical therapy exercises.” There. Now that he'd said it out loud, he was committed. No more hiding.

 

Bodhi grinned. “Thanks! That's great. Really great. And good to see you out and about.”

 

Cassian nodded. Bodhi dashed off to talk to Rostok again before leaving for his shift, and Cassian headed to the food line. Breakfast was back to the usual nutrient-porridge, but he was used to it. He balanced his tray with his bowl and an extra-tall cup of caf on his lap and floated over to where Serchill sat, his crutches leaning against the table beside him.

 

“'Morning, Captain,” he muttered. He'd barely picked at the food in front of him.

 

“Serchill.” Cassian nodded. “Can you knock that chair out of my way?”

 

“Sure thing.” Rostok tugged the chair next to him out of the way, clearing the space for Cassian's float chair.

 

They sat in silence for a few minutes as Cassian methodically worked his way through the bowl of porridge. Once he was done he washed it down with his caf and glanced at Serchill. “I hear you're finally getting your leg today?”

 

Rostok grunted in assent.

 

Cassian nodded. “I'll come with you.”

 

“Bodhi already said you would. The kid seems to think I need babysitting.”

 

“Do you?” Cassian asked.

 

Rostok glared at him, but didn't say anything.

 

Cassian leaned back in his chair. “Serchill – we both got fucked over. Especially you. I think we should stick together during our rehab. Take whatever help they'll throw at us. I'd say we've earned it.”

 

“You got that straight, captain,” Serchill agreed. “Still, can't get myself to be excited about this fucking leg when everything still itches like a bitch. Still hurts sometimes, too. Fucking doctor insists it's all in my head – I know it's not in my fucking head, captain. My head didn't get jacked up, just my leg.”

 

“I believe you,” Cassian said. “That's what they say when they don't know what's wrong.”

 

“Y' got that right.” Serchill chuckled.

 

“Let's get that leg on, do a few good days of therapy on it, and record any time itching or pain is triggered. Go back to the doctor with data. Scientists appreciate that sort of thing.”

 

Serchill smiled and shook his head. “You are definitely the brains of this operation, captain. Sure. Sounds like a plan.”

 

After another cup of caf, Cassian followed Rostok to the medbay and waited during the leg installation process.

 

Veera was working and gave him a cheery greeting. He still didn't feel particularly cheerful himself, but he forced a smile.

 

A short while later one of Bodhi's new Jedhan flock came in with an unfamiliar Jedhan woman who looked to be in her early twenties. The woman wore an empty expression that Cassian knew all too well.

 

Veera ushered the woman into Dr. Garra's office, and then stepped out for a short conversation with the man – Raarif, if Cassian was remembering correctly. From the way they stood close to each other as they talked and they way they smiled, Cassian guessed they must be flirting. After a few minutes, Raarif left the medbay. Veera ambled over to Cassian.

 

“Have you met Mahir Raarif, yet?” she asked.

 

“Briefly, last night. Gunnary officer, isn't he?”

 

She nodded. “Yes. I met him last night, too, when I dropped by the Jedhan table to say hello to Tehma. We hit it off.”

 

“That's... nice.” Cassian tried to muster some interest in her personal life. She and Jyn seemed to be friends, so that must make her worth knowing.

 

“I think so,” she said with a smile. Then her face got more serious. “He just brought his cousin by for a visit. Neryis Raarif. She's medic from one of the battle cruisers. Her fiance was a fighter pilot. Got shot down in the battle with the Death Star. Mahir says she's in a bad state.”

 

Cassian shook his head. “Too many good people died fighting that thing.”

 

“Mahir hopes Dr. Garra can convince Neryis to join our staff so she can come with the rest of Jedhans to serve on Home One. That's where we're all being transferred for the evacuation. You too.”

 

“Really? Onto the flagship – where the Council works?” That took Cassian by surprise. He hadn't expected their group to rate such a posting.

 

Veera nodded. “They're moving as many Jedhans and Alderaanians as request it out of combat zones, and the council is keeping out of combat zones, too, so it makes sense. Plus I hear Princess Leia has taken a liking to Bodhi – maybe she pulled a few strings. Our medical team is going there because Dr. Garra and two of the medics are Alderaanian. It'll be nice to stick together. It's good to already have friends at a new posting.”

 

It did make sense – especially given the obvious affection Leia had for Bodhi. But would this mean they'd be stuck on the same ship as Draven. Cassian frowned.

 

“Something wrong?” Veera asked.

 

Too many things to list. He deflected. “Do you think Rostok's problems are psychological, or do you think there might be a medical cause for the itching and pain?”

 

Veera scrunched her lips in an uncertain expression. “Most of these sorts of problems in amputees do turn out to be psychological. But with the interruptions in his treatment, there's a higher than average chance that his nerves didn't heal properly, and there really is a problem. It's such a difficult thing to detect. Dr. Garra wants to keep an eye on things – more frequent exams and a longer period of rehab than with most other amputees. Plus the poor man needs all the support he can get, right now. If prolonging his rehab will help, that's what we'll do.”

 

Cassian nodded. He didn't want to think about Draven. About what that man's orders did to them both. He needed something more constructive to focus on, and he thought he might have found it. Working on rehab side by side with Rostok would be good for both of them, and focusing on helping him get through his grief would prevent Cassian from falling back into his self-pitying isolation. Yes. This was what he would do. This is how he would get better – how they would _both_ get better.

 

~ ~ ~

 

In spite of the rampant hangovers, the first day of active evacuation work was long and busy. Bodhi noticed that Jyn seemed off, but when she said she didn't want to talk about it, he didn't push her. She'd probably had another fight with Cassian.

 

He had trouble making sense of those two. In some ways they were so alike that they were bound to have points of conflict. But in other ways they'd melded into such a natural partnership that it was hard to imagine them not working out, in the long run. Even so, the speed with which they'd gotten involved was a little shocking. Maybe that's why they kept fighting – they weren't ready for something like this to happen, and they were having trouble adjusting.

 

He knew the feeling. He'd been jostled in the food line on Eadu by a snobby scientist, and Galen stepped up to apologize. Bodhi had been infatuated almost immediately, but three trips to Eadu later, when it dawned on him that Galen was actively seeking him out and flirting with him, he crossed the line from infatuation to budding love as fast as a leap to hyperspace.

 

With every passing day it was getting easier to think about Galen. To remember the good parts of their relationship, rather than the difficult end. In some ways that made the pain worse.

 

At dinner in the mess, all the Jedhans gathered around a long rectangular table. Most of them had committed to sticking together and put in requests for reassignment. The group had swelled to a full fourteen members. Bodhi wouldn't be surprised if they added a few more before the official evac date.

 

It was a pleasant surprise when Rostok and Cassian came into the mess together. Rostok was now walking on two legs, using a cane to steady his balance. He looked in better spirits than he had in days. And so did Cassian, for that matter.

 

Bodhi changed seats to sit next to Jyn and across from Rostok and Cassian. “Looks like the new leg is working out for you,” he said.

 

Rostok nodded. “It's not too bad. Still need a cane to keep my balance, or I'd be falling on my ass all over the place.”

 

“We'll get the balance figured out within a few more days. I'm certain of it,” Cassain said with confidence.

 

Rostok grunted and nodded. “The captain here's worked out a whole schedule for us. Three fucking hours in the fitness center every morning, and another two right before dinner. Think he's tryin' to work us both to death.”

 

“I'm trying to get us fit for duty,” Cassian said calmly. “And it's working, too.” He shoved a bite of his food into his mouth and nodded.

 

“Suppose so,” replied Rostok, toying with his food. “The cap can already lift his feet off the floor one at a time. Just a few centimeters, but that's more than he could do when we got discharged from medbay.”

 

Jyn perked up and smiled across the table. “That sounds like excellent progress. Good for you.”

 

Bodhi couldn't help but notice Cassian's slight smile in return – the way his eyes lit up when he looked at Jyn. But he wouldn't mention it. If Cassian knew how transparent his feelings for Jyn were, he'd probably start avoiding her again.

 

“He worked us both until our muscles were aching and we stank like fucking banthas on a hot day. But if it works, it works,” Rostok commented.

 

Cassian's smile got a little bigger as he continued to hold Jyn's gaze, though they both pretended to be eating instead of staring into each other's eyes.

 

Bodhi sighed and chatted with Rostok instead until they were all done eating.

 

Most of the group headed to either the barracks or the cantina after dinner, but Bodhi stole away to sit on the edge of an empty landing pad, instead. He wanted a quiet spot to read. He was several chapters into _The Journal of the Whills_ , and so far he found it fascinating. He remembered learning some of the concepts in religious school when he was little, before his father died. As he read it was all coming back to him with unexpected clarity.

 

For years he hadn't really thought about the Force as anything more than an abstract concept, but over the past month he'd been faced with so much evidence of its reality that he had to open his spirit to the fact that it played an active role in his life.

 

After a little less than an hour of reading, Bodhi came a good stopping spot and turned off his data pad. As beautiful and thought provoking as the stories and sermons within the book were, there was no way he was going to remember even half of what he read after a first read-through, and he'd understand even less. He supposed this was why orders like the Guardians had called on members to devote their lives to study and meditation.

 

And to defending the Temple.

 

He looked up at the stars and sighed. The Temple was gone. Jedha was gone. But the Force remained. The teachings of past worshipers remained. And the remnants of Jedha had begun to gather.

 

All because of him.

 

It felt like a heavy weight on his shoulders – heavier even than the burden Galen had given him when he sent him to carry his message to Saw.

 

But if Jyn was right, the Force had chosen him for this task. That meant it must know something about him that he hadn't yet discovered. He just needed to find it for himself.

 

He set the data pad down and rested his hands on his thighs. He closed his eyes, and began to clear his mind with steady, deep breaths, just as he remembered his father doing so many years ago.

 

Without consciously choosing it, the favorite prayer of Chirrut Imwe sprang to his lips. “The Force is with me, and I am one with the Force. The Force is with me, and I am one with the Force...” He murmured the prayer aloud several times before his lips fell silent, but the prayer continued to echo through his mind, filling all his thoughts and driving away everything else.

 

The Force was with him, and he was one with the Force.

 

Images spread out before him – whether memories or a dream or something else, he didn't know.

 

He saw himself as a child, sitting beside his father as Baba meditated. Then he saw himself just a little older holding his mother's hand, being led to the Imperial school.

 

He saw a little girl with two braids running through a green field and leaping into Galen's arms. Jyn – it was Jyn.

 

In his mind he could feel as much as a see a bright line of energy connecting Jyn to her father, and another connecting Galen back to Bodhi.

 

Now he saw himself on Eadu, shyly flirting with Galen over a game of cards in the cargo bay, the line of energy between them shining brightly.

 

Another line of energy connected Galen to Jyn, now locked in a cramped and damp cell with stormtroopers patrolling outside. Yet another line flowed from Galen, this time leading all the way back to Jedha – to Saw, in his compound. And another line of energy flowed from Saw to connect him back to Jyn in her cell, while still another line flowed from Bodhi to his sister Noor and her husband, and from them connecting once again to Saw.

 

Bodhi didn't know how he could see all these people and places at once, but somehow, he did.

 

Now Jyn walked through the crowded streets of NiJedha with Cassian beside her, a new line of energy forming between them as they talked, even as the energy connecting her to Saw and Galen continued to shine. And suddenly the Guardians appeared, a bright new line flowing from them to Jyn, and another, dimmer line flowing from them to Tehma, at work back on Yavin. A final dim line connected Tehma to Cassian.

 

The web of energy bound them all together – all the players in this round of the endless game being orchestrated by the Force. Each of them had been carefully selected to fill a spot in this web. Each of them bound to the other by connections none of them knew existed. Yet they'd been there all along, drawing them together in unexpected ways to fill the purpose set forth by the Force.

 

“Now you see it. Now you understand,” whispered Chirrut.

 

With a gasp, Bodhi opened his eyes. The washed-out ghostly figure of Chirrut sat beside him on the edge of the landing pad. “You're here,” he stammered.

 

Chirrut smiled an nodded. “I will be here whenever you have need of guidance. That is why I was permitted to linger.”

 

Bodhi took a deep breath. He lifted a hand to brush his hair back from his face, and found that his hand was trembling. “What I just saw... Was it... real?”

 

“The Force sent you a vision of your past, and the past of all the others who played a part in bringing you to where you now sit.” Chirrut's face was turned to face out over the forest, as if he was watching the trees in the breeze. Could he see, now?

 

Bodhi blinked. He needed to focus on what was important, right now. “So – so those bright lines I saw... those were the Force, connecting us all together? Guiding us to – to fill its purposes?”

 

Chirrut nodded. “The Force is invisible, but it allowed you to see a representation of how it guided us all along the paths it chose for us. A representation of how we were all destined for these paths – connected together by Force before we even met.”

 

Bodhi closed his eyes for a moment a took another deep breath. This was really happening. He'd wondered – even hoped – before. But now he knew.

 

He no longer needed to doubt. He'd seen the truth.

 

He swallowed. It was all so much. Was he really capable of filling the role the Force had chosen for him? A role he still didn't fully understand?

 

“Trust in the Force,” Chirrut's voice interrupted his thoughts. “Trust in the Force, and your path will become a blessing rather than a burden. Trust in the Force. It's as simple as that.”

 

Bodhi opened his eyes again and shook his head. “It doesn't feel very simple right now.”

 

Chirrut smiled wryly. “Giving your full trust to the Force is both the most simple and the most difficult thing a living being can do. Many beings spend a lifetime striving to master it. But as long as you are striving to trust, the Force will carry you and will make your burdens light.”

 

Bodhi nodded. “Okay. Okay. I – I'll try. I'll try to do what it wants me to do.”

 

“Don't worry, Bodhi,” Chirrut's grin was warm and friendly. “So far you've been doing a wonderful job.”

 

The unexpected praise brought a smile to Bodhi's face. “Thanks. I – I'm glad.”

 

They fell silent for another moment as Bodhi continued to ponder the vision he'd been shown.

 

“There is a question in your heart,” Chirrut said softly. “One that has troubled you for a long time. Go ahead and ask it.”

 

Bodhi squeezed his lips together for a moment and looked down at his feet. He felt ashamed to be so consumed with a selfish question, but he couldn't let it go.

 

“Ask, and you will be free of it,” Chirrut urged.

 

“Okay.” Bodhi straightened his back, trying to be strong, regardless of the answer. “Did the Force create my feelings for Galen? Is the Force the reason I fell in love with him?”

 

“And your other question is, was the Force responsible for Galen using your feelings to manipulate you, or was that Galen's choice?”

 

Bodhi looked away again. Yes. That was the real question. The one he hadn't dared to ask. “Do you know?” he said quietly.

 

“I know what the Force has permitted me to see,” Chirrut replied. “I know that the Force places us where it needs us to be, and binds us to those that it needs us to encounter. But once we encounter them, the Force does not compel our emotions. The Force would have been served just as well if you and Galen never became more than friends, or even if you never became more than friendly acquaintances. Your feelings for him, and his for you, were your choices. Your feelings for each other came only from within your hearts. So did Galen choose to manipulate you, or was that the Force?” Chirrut shook his head. “The answer to that question is a difficult one. Though Galen hoped he could find someone else to get his message to the Rebellion, there was never really any other way but you, Bodhi. Galen was not certain of that fact before he chose to enter a relationship with you, but he strongly suspected it. He chose to love you, hoping he could find some other way to send his message. But the compulsion of the Force is strong. When the time came, he knew that it had to be you, and he did what he had to do to fulfill the will of the Force. Was it the Force, or was it Galen's choice? What do you think, Bodhi?”

 

Bodhi turned the question over and over in his mind before settling on an answer. “Both. It was both.”

 

Chirrut nodded again. “A wise answer. Just as your friendship with Jyn is both. The Force no longer needs you to be companions. You could have chosen to walk away from her, out of grief for her father. But you chose to remain connected, instead, and the Force will continue to use that connection to its advantage. It is both, Bodhi. Most things in life really are. The Force and our choices are too intertwined to pry them apart and declare one action or choice to the be the result of the Force, and another a result of our own will.”

 

“It's always both, isn't it?” Bodhi asked in wonder, staring out at the magnificent vista of the stars.

 

When Chirrut didn't answer, Bodhi turned and saw that he was gone.

 

He had his answers. And now he was ready to try to place his trust in the Force.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn was grateful that the evac prep had them working ten hour days. It gave her less time to stew over the situation with Cassian.

 

He turned up at every meal, now, side by side with Rostok. And every night at dinner he dutifully outlined their daily progress in both physical therapy and in their studies to prep themselves for ship or base jobs, rather than fieldwork, as if he was offering a report to a commanding officer. It was a little endearing, the way he wanted to please her with news of their progress, and more than a little gratifying to see how effectively she'd managed to get through to him.

 

But it still wasn't what she wanted. Even with the regular conversations, there was a new distance between them that left a hollow spot in her chest every time they parted ways.

 

Thank the Force for a bounty of distractions from her heartache.

 

Not only was there a massive amount of work to do before the final evac, but also the number of Jedhans who'd arranged to be assigned to Home One along with the Rogue One survivors had swelled to more than thirty. Jyn couldn't even remember all their names, anymore.

 

Veera had started joining the group meals the Jedhans insisted on. There was definitely something going on between her and Mahir, and it was adorable the way her cheeks went red every time Jyn teased her about it. Also, increasingly, the Jedhans were looking to Bodhi as their de facto leader.

 

He was sliding into that role with more ease than Jyn would have expected, but in more private moments he'd begun leaning on her and Tehma for the support he still needed in his own recovery from the trauma he'd been through. He had to be strong in public, but with them he could still be vulnerable.

 

Jyn had taken on the responsibility of making sure he and Tehma both took their anxiety meds every morning (two days after the party both of them forgot their meds on the same day, and by lunch Bodhi'd had a panic attack and Tehma had been snapping angrily at everyone within arm's reach – not a good combination), and in turn Tehma made sure Bodhi remembered to eat in spite of the constant interruptions to his mealtimes from the growing flock of Jedhans.

 

Every night, for about an hour right before bed, Bodhi and Tehma would slip away together. At first Jyn wondered if something might be going on between them, but after a few days Bodhi quietly told her they'd been studying the sacred texts of the Guardians together. He said he'd finally spoken with Chirrut.

 

“You have?” Jyn asked. She hadn't spoken with Chirrut since the morning of her argument with Cassian. She was starting to miss him.

 

Bodhi nodded. “He said a lot of things...” Bodhi shook his head. “I'm not ready to talk about all of it. But I have faith that my first loyalty needs to be to the Force. It chose me – and it chose Tehma, too. That's why I've asked him to study with me every night. We need to be ready for the next steps in the path the Force has planned for us.”

 

“And what are those next steps?” Jyn asked. Though her own faith in the Force had blossomed since meeting the Guardians on Jedha, it sounded like Bodhi's wasn't just blossoming, but was flourishing.

 

“I don't know yet,” he admitted with a sheepish smile. “I just have to trust in the Force, and when the time is right, the path will become clear.”

 

Jyn wasn't quite sure what to make of that, but the earnest confidence on Bodhi's face when he said it made her want to help him, whatever it took.

 

Finally, after just over a week of hard work, they received notice that this would be their final day on Yavin. Tomorrow morning they'd be transferred to Home One.

 

After another day of loading crates onto pallets and pallets onto cargo shuttles, all of Jyn's muscles ached and she was ready for a good meal, a hot shower, and a deep sleep.

 

She and Bodhi turned away from the landing pad where they finished their shift, and ambled through the hangar in the general direction of the mess when a voice called out, “Lt. Rook?”

 

They halted, turning toward the voice. A thick-set gray-haired man with a cane limped toward them. As he got closer, Jyn's eyes widened. From the insignia on his tailored uniform coat, she could see that he was a general. She did her best to pull into a respectful stance of attention, while Bodhi did a much better job of it beside her.

 

Once the old general reached them, Bodhi saluted. “Lt. Rook, sir. How can I help you?”

 

Jyn cringed. Not only had she forgotten to salute, she'd been about to say, “What's up?” She really needed to study up on these military protocols – especially now that she was going to be posted on the flagship.

 

“At ease,” the general said in a jovial tone. “I'm not here to give you any orders. My name is Haller Josten. I've been wanting to meet you for days. Almost lost my chance – I hear you're heading up to Home One tomorrow.”

 

“Yes sir,” Bodhi replied, sounding uncertain.

 

Josten smiled broadly. “No need to be nervous, son. I want to thank you, personally, for what you're doing for the Jedhan people. My mother was Jedhan, and I've followed her religion most of my life. The day I heard of Jedha's destruction was one of the worst of my life. The Force has truly been guiding you in your efforts to preserve what is left of our people, and I want you to know how grateful I am.”

 

Bodhi's eyes went wide, and he blinked a few teams. “You're welcome, sir. I... it's an honor to... to be able to help our people. I... I'm trying to follow the path the Force has set before me, sir.”

 

Josten's smile softened and his eyes glistened with emotion. “So you're a believer?”

 

“I am,” Bodhi replied, his voice firm. “I was blessed to come into possession of the sacred texts of the Guardians of the Whills shortly after I arrived here, and I've been studying them in earnest ever since. I don't know where this path will lead, but I know that gathering the survivors of our people is my first step.”

 

“Force bless you, son,” Josten replied, his voice cracking. He stepped forward and pulled Bodhi into a rough embrace, patting his back. After a moment of surprise, Bodhi hesitantly returned the embrace.

 

A few moments later Josten stepped back. “The Force truly chose to send you to us, son. I know it in my heart. It's an honor to meet you.”

 

“Uh, thank you, sir.”

 

Josten gave a sharp nod. “So, how many Jedhans will be joining you on Home One?”

 

“Thirty-three, at my last count,” replied Bodhi.

 

Josten wagged a finger at him. “That's a fine start, but there will be more, mark my words. I'll do what I can to help funnel our people away from combat zones into postings under my command, as well. We in the Alliance Support Services do our best to stay out of combat. I think we'll be the perfect safe haven for Jedhan and Alderaanian survivors to contribute to the war effort. I'll see to it that we have positions open for each and every Jedhan or Alderaanian in need of a non-combat posting.”

 

“Thank you, sir. That's a wonderful help. Thank you.” Bodhi beamed at the general.

 

What in the hell was Alliance Support Services? Jyn would have to do some asking around.

 

“I'll be in touch with you, so we can coordinate where all our Jedhan brothers and sister end up,” Josten pronounced.

 

“You really don't need to coordinate with me, sir. I'm a just a lieutenant,” Bodhi stammered.

 

“Nonsense,” Josten said. “You're the one the Force chose, so you're the one I'm going to work with, and I won't hear another word against it.” He gave Bodhi a rough pat on the arm.

 

“Thank you, sir. I appreciate it, sir.”

 

“It's my honor,” Josten replied. He glanced at Jyn for the first time since approaching them. “And you must be the famous Sgt. Erso.”

 

“Not so sure about the famous bit,” Jyn replied.

 

Josten chuckled and shook his head. Suddenly his eyes seemed to latch onto the sight of the kyber crystal around her neck. His face changed into a curious, thoughtful expression. “Fascinating necklace you have there. Pardon my rudeness, but I once had a friend who wore a crystal just like this one. Where did you happen to get it?”

 

Jyn reached up to wrap her fingers around the crystal, suddenly nervous. “I, uh, got it from my mother.”

 

His eyes narrowed, and Jyn felt the urge to take a step back from his intense gaze. “What was your mother's name?”

 

“Lyra Erso,” she responded, tensing her body. What was going on?  


Josten's eyes widened. “Lyra? You're Lyra's daughter?”

 

Jyn's heart dropped in her chest. “You knew my mother?”

 

“Only when she was a young girl,” Josten replied. “But I was dear friends with her mother. She's the one who used to wear that crystal.”

 

Jyn nodded, her mind spinning with shock. “Yes. My grandmother visited us a few months before the Imperials came and took my parents away from me. She gave this to my mother, then, and my mother passed it on to me just before we were separated. I... How did you know my grandmother? I was so young when I lost my family that I don't even remember her name.”

 

Josten shook his head in amazement. “At times this galaxy feels like a remarkably small place. Your grandmother was named Aimee Torressan. And that was the crystal that powered her lightsaber before she left the Jedi Order.”

 

Jyn stood frozen, her mouth hanging slack and her fingers clenched around the crystal, feeling as if her entire galaxy had just been turned upside down.

 

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm doing my own version of Jyn's family history here, as I haven't read the tie-in novel about her parents. And I just like this idea.
> 
> In this chapter the opening quote obviously refers to the internal struggles all three of my main characters have been having regarding past and potential future romantic partners, and in some regards reflects on Jyn and Bodhi's lost family relationships, as well.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn and Cassian reflect on the past and take the first step toward rebuilding their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lengthy delay between updates. I've got a couple of academically struggling teenagers (yes, I'm old), and getting them through the last month of school is pretty stressful. So I'll probably only update one more time in May. Hopefully I'll get back to weekly updates in June. 
> 
> Also, this is 100% not the chapter I was planning to write, but after all the endless drama, Jyn and Cassian insisted on getting a chance to just relax and have a pleasant conversation for a night. So that's what I gave them.

> “I've been living' without a family since I was a child. My father left, my mother died, I grew up buckwild... And long as I'm alive... swear to God, you'll never feel so... Helpess.”
> 
> _Helpless_ , Lin Manuel Miranda's _Hamilton_
> 
>  

 

Jyn fumbled to find words to respond to General Josten's startling revelation. Before meeting Luke, the Jedi had seemed like a distant piece of history. Another piece of galactic society that had been wiped from existence by the Empire. But now?

 

Her grandmother, a Jedi. The crystal she wore around her neck, the legacy of a Jedi.

 

How could she have gone her whole life without knowing?

 

Bodhi gripped her shoulder and glanced back and forth between her and Josten before speaking. “General, do you have a few minutes to speak with Jyn? I think she would appreciate the opportunity to learn more.”

 

Josten nodded. “I can absolutely spare twenty minutes for the granddaughter of my old friend.” He turned his gaze to address Bodhi. “I'll be in contact with you within a week to coordinate our efforts. May the Force be with you.”

 

“May the Force be with you,” Bodhi replied, nodding, before patting Jyn's shoulder and walking away.

 

“Shall we find a quiet spot to sit and talk?” Josten asked gently.

 

Jyn swallowed and nodded. She followed his limping gait toward a stone ledge protruding from the wall of the temple-turned-hangar.

 

They sat side by side, and Jyn took a few deep breaths, still clinging to her crystal. “How did you know my grandmother?”

 

Josten sighed. “It was a very long time ago. Nearly sixty years, now. I was a young officer in the Judicial Forces of the Old Republic. By that time the Forces had become little more than a collection of pilots and small security teams that were at the disposal of the Jedi. We would travel the galaxy under our Jedi commanders to mediate disputes or to employ military tactics to resolve those disputes by force. I first met Aimee when I was assigned to a mission to several Outer Rim worlds. Two Jedi led the mission, and they brought their Padawan apprentices with them. Aimee was one of those apprentices.”

 

“Oh.” Jyn stared at the hangar floor, her head spinning. Somehow this news of her heritage seemed to change everything about her life, though in other ways it changed nothing at all.

 

“The mission lasted more than a month. I was barely twenty, fresh out of the academy, and Aimee was eighteen, nearing the time for her trials to earn her place as a full Jedi Knight. We were both bored and restless, and we became fast friends. We went on little adventures together, exploring the local cultures on each of the planets we visited. Aimee was always drawn to people who I saw as dangerous firebrands – men and women out spreading their views that the Republic and out of touch with the common people, and grown corrupt by greedy bureaucrats. They even said the Jedi had grown distant from their connection to the people they claimed to serve. I scoffed at those speeches and lectures, but Aimee breathed them in even though they criticized the Order she'd devoted her life to. Of course, more than two decades later some of those people I dismissed helped found this very Rebellion.” He shook his head. “Aimee was a born rebel. I had to learn rebellion the hard way.”

 

Jyn felt herself smile. A born rebel. That must be a trait that ran in the family. “Tell me more.”

 

Josten beamed. He seemed delighted to be revisiting the memories of his youth. “Well, Aimee and I remained friends after returning to Coruscant, and even went on a few more shorter missions together. But as the next couple of years passed, she delayed her Jedi trials again and again. When I pressed her, she finally admitted to me that she was questioning not just the Republic, but also the Jedi order itself. She still had faith in the Force, but she'd begun to question the manner in which the Jedi chose to serve it. It boggled my mind at the time, but in hindsight all of her concerns feel more prescient than I ever could have imagined.”

 

“Did she ever take the trials?” Jyn asked.

 

Josten shook his head. “Never. When her master put her foot down and insisted that Aimee present herself for the trials, instead Aimee went before the Jedi Council and renounced her membership in the Order, and told them exactly why. They seized her lightsaber and turned her out of the Temple to fend for herself with hardly a credit to her name. All she managed to keep was the clothes on her back and that crystal you now wear.”

 

Jyn knew exactly how her grandmother must have felt – Saw did nearly the same thing to her not that long ago. Though she knew nothing about Jedi Councils or Temples, if they were anything like the Alliance Council, she could imagine how intimidating that situation must have been. But her grandmother had chosen her own moral principles over the teachings of her masters, and had faced them down. “She must have been extraordinarily brave.”

 

Josten chuckled. “At the time I thought she was extraordinarily stupid, but yes. She was brave. Braver than I would have been under the circumstances.”

 

“What did she do next?” Jyn felt thirsty – as if she'd been dying of dehydration for years and was only now getting a drink. She wanted to swallow a whole river of information about her extraordinary grandmother.

 

“I and a few other friends took her in and pooled our credits to pay her passage back to her homeworld, so she could live with her parents. They'd given her up to the Jedi when she was five years old, and then she came home in disgrace. I can't imagine what how difficult it must have been for all of them. She had two siblings she'd never even met.” He shook his head.

 

Jyn's heart raced. Siblings? Did she have some great-aunts or great-uncles out there? Slightly removed cousins, even? Could it be that she wasn't really alone, after all?

 

She barely noticed when Josten continued to speak. “Her parents owned a fiber company, processing wool and plant fibers into yarn and thread. I kept in touch with Aimee. She tried to learn the family business. Tried to find a place for herself in her native land. But it didn't take. A little less than two years later she took a job as a private security officer for a merchant fleet. I heard from her less often after that – hard to send messages when neither of us knew where the other would be next. Then, one day, about three years later, I got back to Coruscant to find a message from Aimee waiting for me. She was announcing her marriage.”

 

Jyn blinked back into focus. Yes – she must have had a grandfather, once. “Did you ever meet my grandfather? I remember my mother said he died when she was young, but nothing more than that.”

 

“I met him a few times,” Josten replied. “Lance Torressan. He was an artist – a painter. They settled down in the capital of Aria Prime. Lovely world. I started exchanging messages with Aimee again, keeping each other up to date. I married just over a year after she did. I think she did private security work for a few more years until Lance was earning enough off of his art to support them. And then she changed careers. Using what she'd learned about fibers from her parents and what she'd learned about color and composition from her husband, she became an artist herself. A tapestry weaver – one of the best I've ever seen.”

 

“Tapestry,” Jyn murmured. She couldn't imagine having the patience to sit in front of a loom, weaving long strands of yarn into a slowly growing tapestry. She'd seen a few fancy-art tapestries during some robberies she'd pulled. She'd admired them more for their value on the black market, but there had been something captivating about the way different colors and textures could weave together to form a picture.

 

“I have some of her pieces. They're home with my wife. When I get the chance, I'll have to pick a few up for you.”

 

“Oh, no,” Jyn shook her head. “You don't have to do that. Really – I have no idea what I'd do with a tapestry if I had one.”

 

Josten held her gaze with a firm expression. “Nonsense. You've lost everything from your family. You deserve to have a piece of your heritage. I won't take no for an answer.”

 

Jyn swallowed her objection. He meant it. People so rarely offered her things without any expectation of return, she still wasn't used to it. “Thank you.”

 

“You're welcome.” He nodded.

 

“What happened –” Jyn stopped herself from so callously asking about her grandfather's death. He lived. He was a part of her. His death wasn't what mattered. “I mean, did you ever meet my mother?”

 

Josten nodded. “I visited once as part of a diplomatic envoy. And a few years later I managed to get my whole family there on a trip. I have two boys – one was a little older than Lyra, and the other a little younger. They had a grand time together. We were there for a month. That was longest leave I ever took, to this very day. Some of my fondest memories are of that trip.” He sighed, his shoulders slumping a little. “Lance died in a shuttle accident a few years later, and Aimee found a patron for her work on Onderon, and moved there with Lyra. We kept in touch, but I was never able to visit. A few years later Lyra left to go to a university on another planet. Don't remember which one. Aimee stayed on Onderon until the Separatist coup at the beginning of the Clone War. She had some sympathies for the Separatist viewpoint, but she'd come to believe that the Republic should be reformed from within, rather than overthrown by force. I helped her get off of Onderon and took her back to live with her brothers. Lyra was several years gone and married by then. You were probably born right around that time, I'd guess.” He smiled warmly.

 

“How did...” “ Jyn struggled to form the words. “How did learning to be a Jedi impact her life? I can't imagine that's something that just goes away.”

 

“It's not.” Josten shook his head. “She didn't talk about it, much. I think it was a lasting pain in her soul that the Jedi Order refused to accept any followers with alternate interpretations of how to wield the powers of the Force. I know she tried to petition them on many occasions, with no result. But in spite of it all, she never lost her faith. She always held a deep reverence and respect for the Force. And though she was banned by Galactic law from ever bearing or using a lightsaber, leaving the Order didn't take away her other skills. She could perceive the emotions of others and the workings of their minds with greater clarity than most other beings. But instead of using that skill in politics or diplomacy like the Jedi, she used it in her art. When clients commissioned pieces, she could see into their hearts to discern exactly what they hoped to receive, and use that to create the most perfect piece for each buyer. And she used her skills with the Force to speed the process of weaving. To spin her fibers with perfect uniformity, and to dye them with extraordinary colors that could only be mixed by someone with a deeper insight into the nature of all things. That's what set her apart.”

 

He sighed. “But her past in the Order was also what doomed her.”

 

“I... wait,” Jyn said, realization dawning. “Was she targeted when the Empire wiped out the Jedi?”

 

Josten nodded. “She was. Not at first. For the first several months after the Empire was established, the extermination order was targeted at current members of the order. It was only later that they delved into the archives to find the names of the handful of still-living dissenters who left the order over the years.”

 

Jyn ran her finger over the length of her crystal. “I remember my mother told me that it wasn't safe for grandma to visit us. I never understood why, until today.”

 

“I'm sorry, sergeant. The Empire has taken far too much from you. But your grandmother's legacy still thrives in the Rebellion. My friendship with her, and our many conversations about politics over the years, were the reason I left the Judicials as soon as the Emperor was voted into power. I knew immediately that Aimee had been right all along, and now her worst fears had come true. And I was determined to help make things right. So here I am. And now, here are you. We're in this together.” His smile was welcoming. Was this what it would be like to have a grandfather?

 

“Thank you, sir,” she said. “I have so many questions and I have no idea where to start. I know she must have gone into hiding, or she never would have been able to visit my family. But what happened then?”

 

Josten shook his head. “I wish I could answer that question. When it became clear that the crusade against the Jedi wasn't going to stop, I helped get her credits and false papers, and then Senator Organa helped me get her off of Alderaan undetected.”

 

“Alderaan?” Jyn felt a new stone drop in the pit of her stomach. “When did she move to Alderaan?”

 

His eyes widened. “Oh, my dear. I'm sorry – somehow I failed to mention it. Your grandmother was a native Alderaanian. That was where all her family lived.”

 

It felt like a slap in the face. She'd been tantalized by the prospect of surviving relatives out there, somewhere, only to have that dream ripped away almost as suddenly as it had come. “So there's nothing left,” she murmured, almost to herself. “My whole family. It's all gone.”

 

Josten reached out and patted her hand. “I'm so very sorry. I should have thought... I don't know. There's no making sense of the galaxy anymore. Whole planets wiped out in the blink of an eye. It's unthinkable. I'm so sorry.”

 

Jyn swallowed. “It's alright. I never knew them. It's just... a surprise.”

 

“Well, here's another one,” Josten said, leaning toward her, a sudden light in his eyes. “I have no idea if Aimee is still alive. Several times over the past two decades I've used contacts in the Judicials and the senate to look for any records to indicate if she'd ever been found. The only trace anyone was ever able to find was a mission report stating that a strike team failed to locate the Alderaanian Jedi dissenter. That was ten years ago.”

 

“Ten years? That was after my mother –” She choked on her words. Her grandmother had still been alive when she was in Saw's custody. She blinked back rising tears. “If she was out there, why didn't she ever try to find me? Why didn't she come for me?” It was pointless to demand these answers from Josten, but she couldn't stop herself from asking.

 

He patted her hand again. “Only the Force knows. She may have been killed before she had a chance to search for you. She may have ended up in prison under an assumed name. Or she may have cut herself off from the galaxy, entering self-imposed isolation in hopes of protecting her family from being targeted. I wish I could say. All I know is we have no proof of her death. You can take that however you like. But if you take my advice, you'll let that uncertainty give you something more to hope for. That's what I do. I hope that someday the galaxy will be safe enough for my old friend to come back.”

 

He sighed. “But I can't tell you how to feel. Just know that you have an ally in me, if you ever have need of one.” He pulled a data stick from his pocket and handed it to her.

 

She took it, and her hand trembled slightly. It was all too much and not enough all at the same time.

 

“That has the information on how to get a direct message straight through to me. Don't hesitate to use it if you have a need. And I plan on visiting you again when I have a chance. I hope I'll be able to pick up Aimee's tapestries, first.”

 

Jyn bit her lower lip and nodded. She had no words to express the tumult of emotions inside of her.

 

They stood and shook hands, and she managed some sort of farewell when he turned to walk away.

 

She wasn't sure how long she stood there, leaning against the stone wall of the hangar, her mind a blur of questions and emotions. It was the gnawing hunger in her stomach that finally woke her back up to the reality of her situation. She tucked the data stick in her pocket and strode toward the mess with her head down.

 

She hoped Cassian would be there.

 

That thought gave her pause. All of their interactions over the past few days had been so stiff and formal. But even so, he was the one she wanted to talk to after what she'd learned. Not Bodhi. Not Veera or Mayris. Just Cassian.

 

To hell with whatever awkwardness there might be. He was still her best friend here, and if he was in the mess when she got there, then she was damned well going to talk to him.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian hadn't realized that it was possible to miss someone that he still talked to every day. But he did. He missed Jyn more than he had any right to.

 

They'd known each other for less than a month and they'd never actually been together as a couple – not really. Yet the brief conversations they had in the mess once or twice a day were completely inadequate.

 

At random moments during his days he would find a new geyser of anger boiling up inside him with no real outlet, and at other moments he found himself wallowing in self-pity and depression. He knew his emotions were still too volatile for him to handle a meaningful romantic relationship with her. Not without hurting her again. But that didn't mean that their fleeting, impersonal interactions in the mess were enough.

 

Even so, he wasn't sure how to overcome this barrier. After all, he was the one who'd put it there – he was the one who'd insisted he wasn't ready. Would it be unfair of him to try to rebuild their friendship while Jyn might still be hurting?

 

Ultimately he had no fucking idea what he was doing. That applied to most of his life these days.

 

He treated his last day before evacuation very much like he'd treated those that came before it. He and Rostok did their hours of therapy exercises in the fitness center, and then later in his room he studied training courses and technical manuals to prepare himself for whatever his post-rehab assignment might be. After his evening exercise session with Rostok, a young ensign waylaid him and told him that Chancellor Mothma and Princess Leia wished to see him in the council room. There was no avoiding that kind of summons, even though he wished he had time for a shower, first. (Long gone were his days of hasty one minute showers – now they were clumsy, lengthy affairs of at least ten minutes.)

 

The council room was buzzing with activity. The final evac would be carried out over the next five days, starting with the council itself leaving tomorrow morning. There was lots of work to do.

 

He slowly navigated his chair through the tight openings and bustling crowd, and then stopped it short when a familiar man stood up from the console he'd been leaning over and locked eyes with him.

 

Draven.

 

The geyser Cassian had been fighting back all week burst into a steaming boil in his chest, and he felt his fingers tighten unconsciously around the controls of his chair. This was the first time he'd actually seen Draven since his dramatic visit to the medbay when he'd issued the order that had led to Cassian's current predicament.

 

Cassian's fingers itched to hold a weapon. The emotional part of his brain shouted at him that he needed to find a way to make Draven hurt the way he'd made Cassian hurt.

 

But the rational part of his brain held onto his tight control. Through a tense jaw he managed a single word. “Sir.”

 

“Captain Andor,” Draven replied, his eyes flitting over the chair before snapping back to meet Cassian's gaze. “How is your rehab progressing?”

 

Cassian clenched his teeth together to stop an incoherent snarl from escaping his lips. _How dare he ask that question?_ He took two deep breaths through his nose to regain control, and then bit out, “As expected, sir.”

 

Draven's face was unreadable. He gave a tense nod. After a pause, he spoke again. “It might interest you to know that I've been removed from command of Alliance Intelligence. Ugrut's been given the position.”

 

“Ugrut's very capable. A good man,” Cassian replied, his emphasis on the second sentence.

 

“Yes. He is,” Draven murmured. “They've formed a new division for me – Planetary Intelligence Liason. I'm to improve coordination with and training of the intelligence units of the various planetary forces. It's a job that needs to be done, and I'll do it without complaint. Still, though they haven't stripped me of my rank, I know a demotion when I see it. This is my punishment for the order I gave that day after you and your team returned. Does it please you?”

 

Draven sounded more resigned than bitter. Cassian squeezed his lips together for a moment, pondering his reply. “Nothing about this situation pleases me. I was good at my job, and you were good at yours. Now neither of us can do the work we're best at.”

 

“I made a mistake when I gave that order,” Draven said, his voice low.

 

“Yes. You did.” Cassian's face felt warm and every muscle in his body was tensed and ready to fight. But he knew this would be no physical contest. “I understand why they took your command away from you. A man willing to inflict lasting harm on his subordinates out of petty revenge isn't fit to lead.”

 

“You're one of the few people in the Alliance who can get away with saying such a thing to me.” Draven's expression was still blank and unreadable.

 

“Good. You need to hear it from someone. I'm honored to be the one to say it.” Cassian had never spoken like this to a superior officer in his life. It felt good.

 

Draven nodded slowly, something like regret shining in his eyes. “You're right. I deserve your hatred. You were the best agent I ever trained. One of the best to ever serve the Alliance. And in spite of that, I betrayed you.”

 

Cassian felt his anger once again threatening to break through his controlled surface. He managed to keep his voice low, but he couldn't restrain the venom in his tone. “Why? I gave everything to our cause. _Everything_. And you knew that. So why? Why did you give that order?”

 

The regret in Draven's eyes intensified. “I've asked myself that same question nearly every day since, and I have yet to find an answer that feels like the truth. I have nothing to say that will satisfy you. Nothing that will help you understand, because I don't understand it myself. I felt justified for the first several days, but even before the Princess arrived with the plans, I'd already begun to doubt myself. But by then the damage was already done. I can't fix this. I can't give you justice. All I can do is to say that I'm sorry.”

 

Cassian's throat was tight, and his fingers hurt from how hard they gripped the chair controls. “I can't forgive you.”

 

“I don't expect forgiveness.” Draven's shoulders slumped, and he stepped to the side. “I apologize for delaying you. I believe the Chancellor is about to give you an assignment. I'll leave you to it.” He turned and strode away into another part of the large and busy room.

 

Cassian relaxed his grip and felt his hand shaking. So that was it.

 

He felt drained. Almost disappointed. After all these weeks of anger and resentment, and that was it. An apology with no explanation. A punishment that wasn't a punishment at all. And nothing made any better by any of it.

 

Cassian closed his eyes and took some steadying breaths. He'd hadn't expected to find answers or explanations for why this happened to him. For why he had to endure this lasting consequence for the mission to Scarif. But somehow hearing the utter lack of explanation or understanding from Draven had made this injury all the more devoid of meaning.

 

Unless the Force really had done this to him.

 

He clenched his teeth and shook the fog from his head. There was no time to dwell on existential questions. He'd been summoned by the Chancellor. He needed to be professional.

 

He lifted his chin and smoothed his expression the best he could before guiding his chair toward the central circle where Mothma and Leia stood speaking with a cluster of officers and diplomats. As he approached an aide took note of him and murmured something into Mothma's ear.

 

“Please excuse me for a moment,” she said to the cluster of men and women, and strode toward him with Leia one step behind.

 

Cassian drew himself to the best stance of attention that he could manage in his chair. “Your Excellency. Your Highness.”

 

“Thank you for coming, Captain,” replied Mothma. “I received a very encouraging report regarding the progress of your rehabilitation. I'm pleased to hear that things are progressing well for you.”

 

“Yes ma'am. Thank you ma'am.”

 

Leia stepped forward. “We've been discussing the possibility of giving you a part-time duty assignment aboard Home One. Dr. Garra assures us that you're eager to return to duty, but we thought we ought to run it by you, first.”

 

Cassian felt the corners of his mouth twitch into an almost-smile. “I am eager to be of use, Your Highness. I don't like idleness.”

 

She smiled. “I wouldn't call your needed rehabilitation time idleness. I hear you're pushing yourself above and beyond the course of therapy that Dr. Garra assigned to you.”

 

“As I said, I'm eager to be of use.”

 

He saw a look of understanding in Leia's eyes.

 

“We're pleased to hear it, Captain,” said Mothma. “We have an assignment that we believe will perfectly fit your capabilities and time availability. As we've been assigning personnel to Home One we've found ourselves with an excess of Jedhan transfers who have either little ship-service or little non-combat experience. Most of them will have to be re-trained for new duties, and, in the meantime, given assignments that require little experience. We also understand their desire to begin forming a community, of sorts. We wish to encourage their gathering, but we feel like we need someone to supervise the group of them to ensure that in spite of these special circumstances, we can still find effective and meaningful ways for all of them to serve. We would like you to take on this task.”

 

It made perfect sense. He was already connected to the Jedhan group in a meaningful way. They'd be prepared to respect him and accept his leadership in spite of his physical incapacitation. And it was also a job that wouldn't require a full-time commander. “It would be my honor, ma'am.”

 

“Excellent,” replied Leia. She handed him a data pad and several data sticks. “These are all the service records of the Jedhans being assigned to Home One, and a rundown of the training materials and facilities available aboard the ship, as well as a list of available ship-side assignments. We want you to work with Commander Jewel Harra starting tomorrow morning to place all the Jedhans in appropriate assignments and training regimens. You have three days to get them all squared away. You might have to temporarily reduce your therapy time for the next few days to get the job done, but then you can get back to working yourself to exhaustion every day.” She met his gaze with a teasing smirk.

 

He replied with a close-lipped smile. “I'll start reading the service files after dinner.”

 

“Perfect,” Leia replied.

 

“We're grateful for your continued service,” said Mothma.

 

“You're welcome, ma'am.”

 

“And,” Leia said, her eyes twinkling, “as a welcome back to service, I have something else to give you.”

 

She slipped her hand into a pocket and held out a rank insignia pin. “Congratulations, Major.”

 

Cassian's eyes went wide. This was something he hadn't expected in the least. Had he really earned this, or was this just their way of pacifying any negative feelings he might have after the circumstances of his disability?

 

Leia raised her eyebrows when he failed to take the pin. “Trust me, you've earned this. From a look through your service record, it's actually long overdue. I suspect General Draven delayed your promotion by nearly two years in order to keep you in your position as a solo operative. An action I'm happy to correct.”

 

Cassian swallowed another surge of resentment toward Draven. Leia was right that very few intelligence officers continued serving as solo operatives once they'd achieved the rank of major, but he'd never suspected Draven of deliberately holding him back. He was too tired and drained to dwell on it, though he had little doubt he'd stew over the problem sometime in the future.

 

He held out his hand to accept the pin. “Thank you, Your Highness.”

 

Mothma tilted her head toward him. “Congratulations, and thank you, Major.” She nodded in dismissal. She and Leia turned and headed back to their group.

 

Cassian fingered the pin for a few moments before turning his chair and navigating his way back out of the council room.

 

It had been an eventful half hour.

 

In spite of what had happened with Draven, the chance to actively serve again thrilled him. He needed a task that would help him take his mind off of things he'd rather not think about, and this was the perfect job to fit that need.

 

Jyn would be glad for him. He couldn't wait to tell her... Would she want to talk about this? Or would she offer him a brief but distant congratulation before turning to less personal topics?

 

He shouldn't dwell on it. Besides, she might not even be in the mess. He was already late for dinner.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn's fists were clenched at her sides when she strode through the door to the mess hall. There were only a handful of late stragglers still eating, and she looked them over sharply before her eyes found him – Cassian, sitting alone near the wall, picking at his food. His eyes shot up when her gaze fell on him, and he offered her a nod of welcome.

 

Okay. Good. No Rostok or Bodhi or anyone else to feel self-conscious in front of. They could just talk with no concern about being overheard.

 

She strode over to him and plopped down in the seat across from him. “Can we talk?”

 

His eyes widened. “I... uh... yes. Yes.”

 

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “I'm not hear to stir up anything. I just have something I want to talk about, and you're the one I want to talk to.”

 

His face relaxed a little. “I'm... glad. I actually wanted to talk to you, too.”

 

“You did?” She felt a little embarrassed by the unabashed excitement in her voice, but she was too emotional rattled to control herself.

 

His features settled into a soft smile. “I did. I do.”

 

A warm thrill ran down her spine. “Well, settle in, then, because I have a hell of a story to tell. Do you know General Josten?”

 

“Yeah. Alliance Support Services. He's an excellent administrator, and a good commander, from what I've heard.”

 

She nodded slowly. That seemed to fit the man she'd met this evening. “What the hell is Alliance Support Services, by the way?”

 

Cassian's smile grew more amused. “They're the glue that holds this whole rebellion together. They run the cargo and troop transport fleet, the medical corps, and all the supply depots. When the ordinance and supply men find us weapons or food or medical supplies or whatever else we need, the Support Service fleet picks it up. When we need those supplies, they get them to where they're needed. They drop troops and equipment off and pick them back up. They also arrange and maintain safe-houses and safe-planets and sustain our relationships with outside medical facilities and manufacturing companies. All of us would be starving and under-supplied and lost in the dark without them.”

 

“Huh.” Jyn pondered that. “So they basically take care of the rest of the Alliance?”

 

“Exactly,” Cassian replied.

 

Caretakers. Josten was in charge of the caretakers of the Alliance. Chirrut's statement about Cassian's future rang in her mind. Maybe this was related to the path Chirrut had seen, maybe not. Only time would tell. She shook her head.

 

“Why do you ask about Josten?” Cassian said, intruding on her thoughts.

 

“I'm met him today. He's half Jedhan and he wanted to talk to Bodhi, but then he saw me. And he saw my kyber crystal. And he recognized it.”

 

Cassian got the little wrinkle between his eyes that he always got when he was puzzled about something. “What do you mean?”

 

“This was my grandmother's before she passed it onto my mother, who passed it on to me. Apparently, back in the day Josten and my grandmother were grand friends. Knew each other for decades. Oh, and my grandmother was also an apprentice Jedi who quit the Order because she didn't agree with all their rules, but still had to go into hiding when the Empire decided to exterminate the Jedi.”

 

Cassian's jaw hung slack in wonder. “Wow.”

 

“Yeah. That was about my reaction, too.” Jyn slumped over the table and toyed with her crystal again. “I feel like it's something my parents should have told me, but I also understand why they didn't. If we'd ever been captured, they wouldn't have wanted me to know anything about her past or where she might be. Even so, getting my family history from a complete stranger was a surreal experience.”

 

“I can imagine.” He shook his head slowly, looking stunned. That must have been how she looked when she first heard the story. “She was really a Jedi?” he said.

 

“Apprentice Jedi. She renounced the Order before taking the trials to become a Knight, and was tossed out with the rubbish, apparently. Josten said she a was a born rebel.” She couldn't help but offer a slight smile and a shrug. “I guess it runs in the family.”

 

“That's not the only thing you get from her,” Cassian replied, pointing at the crystal. “You must have inherited a closeness to the Force from her.”

 

A new warmth buzzed inside of her chest. Could he be right? “I didn't think you believed in the Force.”

 

“I believe in it,” he said. “I just thought it didn't give a damn about what happened in the galaxy so long as we didn't destroy the whole thing. But I'm starting to wonder if those of you with a deeper faith might actually be closer to the truth.” His voice was warm, and his expression was open and welcoming, unlike the business-like face he'd been wearing lately. Maybe he was telling the truth when he said he wanted to talk.

 

“I suppose I've always had faith – my mother taught it to me. But it fell to the background of my life for a long time. It's hard to think the Force is watching over you when you're –” She bit back what could very well be an endless litany of disappointments and abuse. That was the past. She wanted to leave it there. “... when you live the way I had to live,” she concluded.

 

She saw the way the understanding lit up his eyes. She didn't need to explain. He knew enough to guess much of the rest. Just like she knew enough about his past to guess a lot of the rest. The details were unimportant.

 

“So what brought it back to the forefront?” Cassian asked softly. “Was it the Guardians?”

 

“Partly,” she admitted. “Partly them. Partly seeing that message from my father. Partly you.”

 

“Me?” He managed to look both incredulous and pleased.

 

Why was she saying this? It certainly wasn't going to make his request for time and distance any easier. But tonight the galaxy seemed to finally make sense in a screwed up round-about sort of way, and he was a part of that. Why shouldn't she say what was on her mind?

 

“Yeah. You.” She held his gaze, silently challenging him to say something contrary, yet hoping that he wouldn't. “When you showed up in the hangar with more than a dozen experienced veterans ready to follow me to Scarif I felt pretty certain that the Force must have had a hand in things. And then when you fell...” She bit her lip for a moment. It was still hard to remember that moment – seeing him battered against beams before hitting the platform. She'd thought she was alone again.

 

She shook her head. “When I was facing the man in white – the man who killed both of my parents – I was pushing my whole will out into the universe to demand that he fail so I could succeed. And then you were there. I don't know how you managed that climb. But seeing you at the top of that tower was one of the best moments of my life. After that I knew without a doubt that the Force was with us. That the plans would get to the Rebellion whether we made it out alive or not. And I haven't doubted it since.”

 

Cassian was silent. He wasn't wearing his spy's mask, but she still couldn't read what was going in in his head. Was he peeved at her for broaching this topic? They'd never really talked about that day, before.

 

After another moment, he murmured. “I don't know how I made that climb. I really don't. When I got up after falling and started the climb, there was so much pain it made me dizzy. But within a minute or two I felt almost completely numb. I thought it was the adrenaline. But maybe it really was the Force. It needed me on top of that tower, so maybe it helped me get there. I don't know.” He dropped his gaze and fell silent again.

 

The silence stretched. Jyn bounced her knee anxiously. What was she supposed to do next? “Josten thinks my grandmother might still be alive,” she burst out. Anything to break the uncomfortable silence.

 

He lifted his gaze, the wrinkle between his eyes springing back to life. “What?”

 

Jyn nodded. “He found some records from ten years ago that made it look like the Empire was still searching for her. I don't know. She's a few years younger than Josten. He might be right. She might still be out there somewhere.” She waved her hand in a vague gesture to encompass the expanse of the galaxy.

 

“So you might still have a family somewhere.” His words sounded like a wistful statement rather than a question.

 

Jyn sighed. “Josten said my grandmother had brothers with families. For few minutes I thought I might have a whole extended family out there just waiting to be found. But then he told me they were all on Alderaan, and that was the end of that.” Her chest grew tight just thinking about it. “I should've known it was too good to be true.”

 

“I'm sorry, Jyn.” Cassian slid his hand across the table, but stopped just short of touching her.

 

She slumped back in her chair. “I suppose I'm used to this sort of thing by now. It's the story of my life.”

 

He clenched his jaw for a moment, and looked to be thinking about something so intensely she wouldn't have been surprised if smoke started curling out of his ears.

 

After a moment, he said, “I wanted to save your father.”

 

Jyn blinked in surprise. This was something else they'd never really talked about.

 

“If I could have, I would have,” he continued. “I should have headed up to that platform sooner. I'm sorry.”

 

The genuine regret in his voice brought a lump to her throat. For the first hour after leaving Eadu she'd hated Cassian more than she'd ever hated anyone other than the man in white. In hindsight, she understood the significance of his choice to disobey orders. In hindsight she understood a lot of things that she hadn't before. She managed a smile. “I don't hold it against you. Even right after Eadu I only plotted your murder for a little less than an hour before I let go of the thought.”

 

His face lit up with a smile. “Less than an hour? I guess I should take that as a compliment.”

 

“You should – I've been known to hold grudges for years. You got off easy.” His shy grin made her heart do an uncomfortable flip in her chest.

 

He chuckled. “Maybe that was the Force, too. It figured if you killed me it would be a lot harder to get those plans.”

 

She laughed. “You might be right. I suspect that the Force uses any means necessary to accomplish its goals. So thank the Force I didn't shoot you in the back the first chance I got.”

 

“I will.” He continued to beam at her. She hadn't seen him smile this much since the night of the big celebration – and this time there wasn't even any alcohol involved. She could get used to this.

 

“Tell me more about your grandmother,” he said suddenly, turn the topic back to safer territory.

 

Jyn nodded and told him a shortened version of the story that Josten had related to her. Cassian asked occasional questions and made occasional encouraging comments, and he smiled and watched her the entire time.

 

The only other times in her life that anyone had ever listened to her like this (or at least pretended to listen to her like this) were when the listener wanted to fuck her. Cassian had made it very clear he wasn't interested in that – at least, not right now – yet here he still was, listening to her like she actually mattered.

 

This was why she'd wanted to talk to him, and no one else. Because he was the only person she fully trusted to _care_ without qualification. Thank the Force he'd been in a good mood tonight. She might not have been able to get through another rejection.

 

“So that's that,” Jyn finished her story at last.

 

Cassian nodded pensively. “Tapestries. I think I've seen a few, during missions, but never up close.”

 

“Well, you'll get a chance sometime soon if Josten comes through on his promise.” She was starting to hope he would. She wanted something tangible that would connect her to this woman whose life had done so much to shape her without her even knowing it.

 

“I had an Auntie who was a weaver,” Cassian said with an unexpected softness in his voice. “Not fancy tapestries. Just good thick wool blankets that we could use or sell.”  
  


Jyn grinned at him. “ _Auntie_? That's a word I never expected to hear from you. You're usually so formal.”

 

He shrugged and ran a hand through his hair. “That's what I called her, back then. She was my mama's sister. We went to live with her when my papa died. When I was little, I would sit and watch her weave. It was mesmerizing – the shuttle going back and forth faster than I ever could have thought possible. Plus we didn't have a holonet receiver, so there wasn't much else to do in the winter.” He chuckled.

 

“Where did you grow up? You've never told me.” Jyn leaned toward him, eagerness swelling inside of her. She knew so little of his past, besides the snippets he'd revealed about his service in the rebellion.

 

“A planet called Fest,” he replied. “Ever been there?”

 

“No. I think I've heard of it, but I don't know anything about it.” She leaned her elbows on the table and rested her chin on her hand. “You going to finish that?” She pointed at his tray of half-eaten food. She'd forgotten to get her own.

 

“You want it?”

 

She nodded, and he pushed the tray toward her. She started picking at the cold protein-mash as he spoke.

 

“Not many people know much about it. It's an outer rim planet. Nearly everyone there lives in poverty. The whole planet is nothing but mountains and snow. Fucking cold. I hate the cold.” He shivered even as he said the word.

 

Jyn smiled and took another bite. No wonder he liked it here on Yavin.

 

“The people survive mostly off of mining, and shipping rare metals to other planets. It's a hell of a way to live. Fest was with the Separatists when I was a kid. And a little later it was one of the first to declare open rebellion against the Empire. The planet has been at war as long as I've been alive.” His gaze grew distant as he focused on his memories.

 

“Were your family miners?” Jyn asked.

 

He gave a short nod. “Papa was, before he died in an accident. Auntie Serra was always a weaver. We needed a lot of blankets, on Fest. She never married. Had no kids of her own.”

 

“And your mother? What did she do?”

 

He got a wry smile on his face. “She killed clone troopers. As many as she could as often as she could.”

 

“Looks like you inherited the rebellion from your maternal line, as well.” Jyn smiled.

 

He nodded slowly. “Yeah. I didn't remember Papa very well. I grew up wanting to be like my mama. She was killed when I was ten. I was already caught up in the fight, by then. I'd been running messages and doing a little spying since I was six.”

 

Jyn hadn't expected much else. Both of them had been forged by this rebellion whether they liked it or not. “What about your aunt?”

 

Cassian looked away, an all-too-familiar haunted look in his eyes. “She's dead.”

 

Jyn knew better than to press for more details. Time to change the subject. “So, when I first got here you said you'd been wanting to talk, too. What did you want to talk about?”

 

He snapped back into the present and nodded. “Yeah. Nothing quite so dramatic as a long-lost-Jedi-grandmother.”

 

“Well, not all of us can be so lucky,” Jyn teased. “So what is it?”

 

He took a deep breath. “I ran into General Draven today.”

 

“Oh.” Jyn's eyes went wide. “Was this the first time since...?”

 

He gave a short nod. “Yes.”

 

The sharp tone of his voice and the sudden hardness in his eyes spoke volumes. “How'd it go?” A ridiculous question to ask, all things considered, but she couldn't think of anything else to say.

 

He seemed to ponder for a moment before answering in the exact same tone he'd used on Scarif to discuss their plans and tactics. “I wanted to find the nearest sharp object that I could impale him with, but there wasn't enough clear space in the council room to get this chair up to ramming speed and I didn't think I'd be able to do more than wound him from a stationary position, so I had to give up on the idea and resort to a blunt force attack, instead.”

 

Her jaw hung slack in surprise until she noticed the twinkle in his eyes and an upward tick at one side of his lips. She burst out laughing. “Oh kriff – you had me going there for a second!”

 

He chuckled, laugh lines springing up around his eyes as he smiled. (Fuck he was beautiful – but she couldn't think about that – he wasn't ready.)

 

“Must not've been too bad if you can already joke about it,” she said.

 

He squeezed his lips together and shrugged. “He tried to apologize.”

 

“Fuck that. He doesn't have the right,” Jyn replied.

 

“I said something along those lines. Tossed out a few insults. It felt good to get it out. To make him hear it. But now...” He shrugged again. “What's done is done. There's no changing it. I doubt I'll ever forgive him, but staying angry isn't doing me any good. I need to look forward – not back.”

 

Jyn toyed with her fork. His line sounded good, but it also sounded like he was trying to talk himself into believing it. “So that was it?”

 

“Mostly,” he replied. “He told me he'd been reassigned. He won't be head of Alliance Central Intelligence anymore. Instead he'll be running a liaison division to coordinate between Central Intelligence and the various planetary intelligence units. It's important work, and I have no doubt he'll do it with distinction. But I'm glad he won't have direct command over any field agents anymore.” He got that haunted look in his eyes again.

 

One thing was sure – Jyn would _never_ trust Draven, no matter how far away the Alliance sent him. “So he'll never be able to hurt another agent the way he hurt you.”

 

Cassian nodded, but didn't meet her eyes.

 

Fuck Draven. He deserved a one-way trip to hell – not a department transfer. But venting those thoughts to Cassian right now wouldn't do him any good.

 

She took a deep breath. “You going to be okay, now? You're not going to start hiding again, or anything, are you?”

 

He gave her a tight-lipped smile and shook his head. “No hiding. I'll be okay.”

 

“Okay.” She held his gaze, and he didn't look away. Just smiled a little broader and nodded again.

 

“I'll be fine, Jyn. It's okay.”

 

She nibbled on her bottom lip and nodded. She hoped he wasn't lying.

 

“Besides,” he said, “I've got something else to occupy my attention now.”

 

“Oh?” Anything to help keep him out of a depressed funk.

 

His eyes twinkled again. “I got a promotion. You're talking to Major Andor, now.” His smile was genuine.

 

Jyn perked up. “Well that _is_ good news. Congratulations you've earned it.”

 

“I hope so. Leia...” He hesitated, glancing away again. Was this really his definition of _not hiding_.

 

“Leia what?” Jyn prodded.

 

He sighed and met her eyes again. “Leia said she thought Draven delayed my promotion by a couple of years to keep me in the field.”

 

Jyn smacked both palms on the table and started rising to her feet without even thinking about it. “That miserable bantha-cock sucking asshole! I should –”

 

“Jyn,” he snapped. “It's okay.” He tilted his head meaningfully toward the chair she'd just vacated.

 

She squeezed her lips together and sat back down. “He got off too easy.”

 

“Maybe he did,” Cassian replied. “But the Alliance can't afford to throw away useful tools right now. I understand that. You need to understand it, too.”

 

She frowned and folded her arms across her chest. “Yes _sir_.”

 

Cassian huffed. “I appreciate your instinct to jump to my defense. I wouldn't be here otherwise. But now isn't the time. Draven isn't our concern anymore. It's time to let it go.”

 

Jyn let her shoulders relax a little. This was close to an admission that he was actually glad to be alive, in spite of everything. That was progress. “Fine. I'll try.”

 

“Thank you.” He sighed again. “They gave me a job, too.”

 

Her eyebrows shot up and she leaned forward again. If they were transferring him away from her there would be hell to pay. “They did? What is it?”

 

“It's just part-time, while I continue my rehab,” he said. “They're putting me in charge of the Jedhans. Organizing duty rosters, bunk assignments, training regimens. That sort of thing.”

 

Jyn sank back into her seat, a grin spreading on her face. “Well that's brilliant! They certainly need someone to sort them out. Half of them are combat soldiers – I see why they need re-training. But it's also not a full-time job. I think this perfect.” They were staying together. He was still part of the family. That's what mattered most.

 

“I think so,” he said with an answering smile. “I already have data sticks with all the service records on them. I promised I'd start reading them tonight.”

 

“Oh – am I keeping you too late?”

 

“It's okay.” He shook his head. “I'm good.”

 

“Good. Good.” Suddenly everything felt awkward again. “Oh,” her eyes went wide, “I ate half your food! You needed that to keep your energy up.”

 

“Jyn – I'm fine. Really. I wasn't that hungry.”

 

“Okay. Good.” She nibbled her bottom lip, again. For most of their conversation she'd been feeling the same connection and closeness that she'd felt with him in the first week and a half after Scarif. But now they were tumbling right back into the tension that they'd felt since the morning after the celebration. “Can I at least get you a to-go cup of caf? You'll need the extra energy to get through all your reading.”

 

He looked on the verge of saying no, but then his features softened again. “Sure. Yeah. That would be good.”

 

“Okay.” Jyn leaped up and hurried to the caf station. The caf was probably more than an hour old, but a few packets of sweetener would perk it right up. She sealed a lid over the disposable cup and rushed back to him. He'd already backed away from the table. “Here you go.”

 

He took the cup and nodded. “Thank you. And...”

 

“Yeah?”

 

He squeezed his lips together for a moment before continuing. “I really liked talking to you, tonight. I hope that maybe we can do this more often. You know – talking.”

 

Jyn thought she detected a trace of shy insecurity in his gaze, hiding behind the too-casual-to-be-natural tone of his voice. It sent a little thrill down her spine.

 

So needing time to sort himself out didn't mean he wanted her out of his life. For days she'd been wondering. But now she had her answer – he still wanted her in his life just as much as she wanted him in hers.

 

Thank the Force.

 

She smiled. “I liked talking to you, too. And yes, we absolutely need to do this more often.”

 

A hopeful smile sprang onto his face in response, and her heart did a flip in her chest.

 

“Good,” he said. “Uh, well, I suppose I need to finish packing, and then I need to get through these service records. So, uh, I'll see you on the shuttle to Home One, tomorrow?”

 

“I'll see you there.”

 

They said good-night, and she turned to pick up the dirty tray from their table. She wanted him to have a head start toward the living quarters – walking back together still felt too intimate. She didn't want that, yet. Not until he let her know he was ready to get back to whatever it was they'd put on hold.

 

Even so, she walked back to her bunk-room with a new spring in her step. She'd found a missing piece of her past, and had regained a missing piece of her present.

 

In her opinion, that was a pretty damn good day.

 

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I chose the opening quote for this chapter because it really resonates with the life experience of both Cassian and Jyn, and it seemed fitting since they began to patch up their relationship by sharing some of their history with each other.
> 
> After this quieter chapter the plot will pick back up in the next chapter.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bodhi organizes a prayer group, and Cassian and Jyn navigate the confusing territory of a relationship that is supposed to be "just friends," but somehow still feels like more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally an update! I got my kids through the end of the school year successfully, and I finally have more writing time again. Yay! I can't promise weekly updates, but my goal is at least 3 updates a month until I finish the story. We're more than halfway through. These fictional kids will get their act together pretty soon.

> “And I pray. That never used to happen before.”
> 
> _It's Quiet Uptown_ , Lin Manuel Miranda's _Hamilton_

 

 

Bodhi and Tehma scooted closer together on the bench in the shuttle to make room for yet another passenger. The pilot was clearly trying to squeeze as many people as possible on board to cut down on his back and forth trips.

 

“How big will the room have to be?” Bodhi asked, continuing their conversation.

 

Tehma shrugged. “Not all of us are devout, but even the casual believers will probably want to come to an occasional meeting, just for the sense of community.”

 

Bodhi reviewed the roster of Jedhans in his mind. “We're up to thirty-seven, right?”

 

“Yep. But if your new general friend comes through, that number will probably grow by at least a dozen. Maybe more,” Tehma replied.

 

“So a room to accommodate around fifty, would you say?” The need for a regular worship area for the gathering Jedhans had only occurred to them yesterday, and they'd decided it would be best to request a space as soon as possible after boarding Home One, so that the ship admins could adjust things right away.

 

Though with ship space being as tight as it was, Bodhi had no idea if they'd manage to secure a room large enough for fifty people on prayer mats that could be kept open for three times a day prayer. (Bodhi had suggested they only ask for an evening prayer room, but Tehma had insisted it had to be available for all three daily prayers, or what was the point? “Are we trying to preserve genuine Jedhan culture and worship, or not?” he'd argued. Bodhi still thought an evening-only room would be easier to get, but Tehma had lived a more devout life. His opinions ought to take priority in these things.)

 

Bodhi shook his head and sighed. “Our pull with Major Andor had better be worth something, or we'll never get a room that large.” He hadn't seen Cassian last night, but Jyn told them all about Cassian's new position when she got to the bunk room for the night. He'd spotted Cassian and Rostok when they came aboard the shuttle a few minutes ago, but the place was getting so crowded they'd have trouble finding them. Waiting until disembarking would make more sense.

 

Bodhi could feel himself starting to sweat. He hadn't been on a shuttle like this since the battle with the Death Star. And before that, it was the trip to Scarif...

 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, but in the stifling heat of too many bodies packed too closely, it didn't seem to help.

 

He felt Tehma's hand on his wrist. “Hey – did you remember your meds this morning?”

 

Bodhi swallowed and nodded. “Yeah. Doesn't seem to be helping much at the moment.” He could already feel his heart racing.

 

“Just pray,” Tehma murmured. “It'll help take your mind off of the surroundings. It's a short flight. Praying will be enough to get you through it.”

 

Bodhi nodded again, but kept his eyes closed. The sound of all the dozens of conversations going on around him combined with the heat and close quarters was sensory barrage enough. He let Chirrut's favorite prayer fill his mind, and nodded his head along to the rhythm of the words.

 

He barely noticed the shuttle lifting off, and it seemed like only minutes had passed when Tehma was patting his shoulder. “Hey – we're about to dock.”

 

Lifting his head, Bodhi blinked in astonishment. “Already?”

 

Tehma grinned. “I told you praying would do the trick. That's how I...” He looked away for a moment, but then finished in low tones for only Bodhi to hear. “That's how I got over being terrified every time I sleep. I pray myself to sleep. Haven't woken with a nightmare in days.” He sounded a little ashamed.

 

“Thanks,” Bodhi replied. “We're both still recovering from Jedha and Scarif. Brothers help each other out, and brothers don't keep secrets. Right?”

 

“Right.” Tehma smiled.

 

After docking, the chaos of disembarking lasted nearly a quarter of an hour. Once he and Tehma made it to the crowded hangar, he spotted Rostok and Cassian talking to Jyn near a stack of crates. Cassian and Jyn were gazing at each other with adoration again, so they must have gotten over whatever argument they'd had after the celebration on Yavin. Bodhi had given up on trying to keep track of the status of their relationship – he had enough drama in his life managing the collection of Jedhans who'd adopted him as their leader.

 

“Hey guys,” he said, striding up to him. They all waved and nodded. He turned his gaze to Cassian, “Major Andor – we need to talk to you about getting a prayer room set aside for us.”

 

Cassian's brows shot up. “A prayer room?”

 

Jyn smirked. “Looks like your workday has just started, Major.”

 

“Apparently it has,” Cassian replied. “I'm on my way to the living area. Walk with me. You can tell me about this prayer room of yours.”

 

Bodhi and Tehma walked beside Cassian's chair, outlining their needs, with Rostok and Jyn trailing along behind. Bodhi couldn't help but notice the way Rostok still leaned heavily on his cane and winced every few steps. Serchill wasn't doing as well as he wanted everyone to think, and Bodhi wasn't sure what to do about it. Maybe inviting him to the new prayer meetings would help bolster his spirits. Anything was possible.

 

~ ~ ~

 

The first three days on Home One were filled with a frenzy of work for Cassian. Shortly after finding the living area with his friends, Commander Jewel Harra from the ship Admin department turned up to whisk him away to a conference room where they began comparing notes on the Jedhans. By the end of the first day they'd made all the permanent bunk assignments and a temporary duty roster. The next two days were filled with endless interviews and assessments with all the Jedhans in order to determine permanent duty assignments and appropriate training courses for each of them.

 

One of the most uncomfortable interviews came on the morning of the third day. They had to meet with Jyn.

 

Just before Jyn arrived, Harra skimmed through Jyn's records on her data pad again and shook her head. “I still haven't figured out why she's here with the Jedhans.” They'd only mentioned her briefly during the bunk assignment discussion, and Cassian hadn't mentioned his personal relationship with Jyn. It hadn't felt appropriate. But now...

 

“She was on Jedha and Scarif with us,” he said, hoping that would be enough.

 

“I know that,” Harra replied. “The entire Alliance knows that. But after reading her file, if it had been up to me I'd have sent her on one of the troop transports and put her into special forces training. That's where her skill set lies. Excellent hand to hand combat skills, good at stealth and infiltration, good at field medicine, a fair hand at computer slicing. She belongs on the ground in a strike team, not up here on the administrative hub of the Alliance. Her posting makes no sense.”

 

Cassian clenched his jaw. “From what I understand, Sgt. Erso made a personal request to Chancellor Mothma that she be allowed to remain with the Jedhans for the time being.”

 

Harra, a middle aged woman with narrow eyes and jet black hair, huffed. “And the hero of Scarif gets what she wants. Just like Lt. Rook and his fucking prayer room.”

 

Cassian didn't like where this was going. “The Jedhans lost their planet. It won't be habitable again for years, if the reports are accurate. The least the Alliance can do is give them a space to gather and practice their traditions.”

 

Harra sighed. “You're right. I respect that. I just don't like such obvious favoritism. You're a long-time Alliance soldier like me – I'm sure you understand. We both worked our asses off for our standings in the Forces. Then these wildcard new recruits come along, pull off some flashy victories, and suddenly we're all supposed to get out of their way because they're the real heroes of the Rebellion. Did you know that those smugglers – Solo and Chewbaca – won't even agree to officially enlist? Yet here they are on Home One with that junker of theirs taking up valuable hangar space, sitting in on secret planning meetings, all because they've managed to become favorites of the princess.”

 

“On that one I can agree with you,” Cassian replied. “Free agents like Solo have no place mingling with the leadership of the Alliance. But Rook and Erso signed up. They're here for keeps, and they're hard workers. We'll find a place for them, even if their skills look better suited for combat zones.”

 

Harra must have heard something in his tone, because she eased back in her seat a little. “Did you get close to them when you served together?”

 

He nodded. “We're friends, yes.”

 

She wore a knowing look in her eyes. “Sorry for implying anything negative about your friends, Major. I'm sure we'll find a place for them both.”

 

Though her words were phrased as an apology, her tone didn't completely agree. Cassian had a bad feeling about this interview.

 

Jyn strode in with a smug smile on her face. “Major, Commander,” she said, as if trying to maintain some kind of military protocol, but she didn't salute, nor did she wait for permission to be seated. Instead she slung herself casually into the seat across from them and leaned back. “So, you finally get to give us all jobs, now? Because these first couple of days I've been bored out of my mind.”

 

Cassian winced. Though Harra's face remained stoic, he knew this sort of brash introduction wouldn't do anything to improve the commander's opinion of Jyn. The interview didn't get much better. Jyn insisted she'd be content with any old job that needed doing.

 

“Well, the point of this interview, Sergeant, is to find the job best suited to your skills and aptitudes,” said Cassian.

 

Jyn shrugged. “I just figured there must be a dozen people suitable for every available duty on this ship. I'm nothing special – I don't mind taking whatever's left.”

 

Cassian squeezed his lips together. This was hardly the way to impress her commanding officer. If he hadn't already known her, he'd be ready to transfer her out of his command so someone else could deal with her.

 

Eventually Harra asked a series of questions about her combat experiences, nodding thoughtfully after every answer. Jyn comported herself a little better, here.

 

“Have you ever trained other soldiers?” Harra asked.

 

Cassian raised his brows. Where was Harra going with this?

 

Jyn shrugged again. “A bit, back when I was with Saw's Partisans. I'd teach the newbies how to manage their weapons in the chaos of a firefight, and we'd all take turns sparring to improve our hand to hand skills.”

 

“What would you say to teaching a close-quarters combat class?” Harra replied.

 

Jyn's eyes went wide, her indifference shifting to anxiety. “I'd have no idea where to even start.” She glanced at Cassian, as if silently pleading for help.

 

This time Harra might actually be on to something. “It would be a good fit for your skills and aptitudes.”

 

Jyn shook her head. “I'm no good at organizing or planning this sort of thing. A heist or a robbery, sure. But a class? I can't.”

 

“You're underestimating yourself,” Cassian said. “People look up to you. They respect you. That's a solid foundation for teaching.”

 

Before Jyn could object, Harra added, “Besides, we'd pair you up with an experienced teacher. You can learn on the job.”

 

Jyn swallowed hard, still looking like a cornered animal. “Do you really think this will work?” She meet Cassian's gaze imploringly.

 

The more he thought about it, the more sense it made. He nodded. “I do.”

 

Jyn took a deep breath. “Alright, then.”

 

“Good. We've heard enough, Sergeant. You'll receive your official duty orders before the end of the day. You're dismissed.” Harra gave Jyn a hard look.

 

Fortunately, Jyn chose to be compliant. “Yes, ma'am.” She rose and left the room.

 

Harra turned to Cassian. “I think Captain Sorhi Tath will be a good fit as a co-teacher.”

 

Cassian nodded. He'd met the man several times. He'd had command of a special ops strike force for nearly a year, before the Jedhan protection order came through. “Yes. I think they'll work well together.”

 

“Good. We'll also give her a slot in the standard maintenance rotation, a self-study course on Alliance Forces regulations and procedures, and a basic flight training class.” Harra nodded as she made notes on her data pad.

 

Cassian's eyes narrowed. Teaching combat would be a good way to keep Jyn's skills sharp and hone her leadership and teamwork abilities. That, added to studying the regs and procedures plus basic flight, all pointed to one thing. “You're prepping her to take on special ops assignments.”

 

“It makes sense,” Harra replied. “She might think she wants to be with the Jedhans for now, but it won't last. She's the type of soldier who won't be happy away from the action. She'll get bored of life away from the front and want a more exciting posting. And it's our job to make sure she's ready when that time comes.”

 

Something stirred unpleasantly in Cassian's gut. Harra hadn't said anything that he hadn't thought himself. Jyn was too full of energy and tension to want to stay put on an administrative ship or base. But hearing that same assessment from someone else made it all the more real. Before long, Jyn would be ready to move onto something more challenging. To take a position where she could fight the Empire more directly.

 

Even though that time might still be months away, his heart ached a little to think of it. She'd probably keep in touch. When she had time.

 

He shouldn't be so bothered by this. After all, he was the one who'd insisted on scaling back their relationship to nothing more than friendship. He had no right to get clingy, now.

 

He nodded, though after too long a pause. “Yes. It makes sense.”

 

Fortunately, Harra chose not to comment on his reaction, instead calling for the next interview to start.

 

Cassian was glad for the work. He needed something productive to focus on.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Bodhi eyed the crates pushed haphazardly against the walls of the mid-sized cargo storage room that had been given to him for a prayer room. According to the inventory, the crates held nothing but spare uniforms and blankets – nothing of high value. All of that had been moved to other cargo storage areas.

 

“Let's space them out but keep them back against the walls. I want the center of the room completely clear for prayer mats. But when we use the room for other gatherings people can use the crates for seating.” He was sure the configuration of the room would evolve through use, but he wanted things tidied up and orderly for their first meeting later that evening.

 

“Yes, sir,” Jyn said with a teasing smile. She, Tehma and Mayris leapt into action, pushing the crates to an evenly spaced interval around the perimeter of the room.

 

Bodi turned to the wall that he'd chosen, and pushed four identical crates into a square configuration, to form a sort of platform. There. If he covered it with a blanket, it would be a suitable place for someone to sit while leading the prayers.

 

Someone like him. He found himself clenching his teeth again. He'd never wanted to be a leader. Why was the galaxy suddenly determined to make him into one?

 

“What's wrong, boss?” Jyn asked, suddenly standing at his elbow.

 

Bodhi shook his head and smiled. “Are my nerves showing?”

 

“A little.” Jyn offered him a reassuring smile.

 

He sighed. “I was already jittery about leading a prayer meeting, and now these orders are throwing me for a loop. Flight instructor? Really? I didn't even pass combat flight training. Why make me a teacher? I have no idea what I'm doing.”

 

“You're not doing doing much to inspire confidence, considering I'm in your class.” Jyn teased. They'd gotten their orders at the same time, and found that they were stuck teaching each other – him teaching her basic flight, and her teaching him close quarters combat. Jyn found the situation delightfully humorous. Bodhi wished he could feel the same.

 

He shook his head. “Even though they're giving me a week to brush up on the cargo and transport ships in the rebel fleet, I still wonder why they chose me of all people for this job. I'm not good in front of a crowd.”

 

Jyn raised her brows and glanced around the storage room. Bodhi followed her gaze, imagining the forty or more people that would be crowding the room in an hour's time. What the hell was he getting himself into?

 

He felt dizzy. “I don't know if I can do this.”

 

“Hey,” Jyn grabbed his elbow, as if to support him, “the Force chose you. Chirrut believes in you. And Cassian helped make our assignments, so he believes in you, too. And so do Tehma and Mayris and all the others, and so do I. If you stumble a little at first, we'll be here to steady you and lift you back up. We're not going to let you fail, Bodhi. You're here for a reason, and we're all here to support you. Don't forget that.”

 

He took a deep breath. “I'll try.”

 

They finished moving the crates into place and spread a number of surplus blankets on the ground to serve as prayer mats for those who didn't have their own. All that was left, was to wait.

 

The first worshipers began to arrive ten minutes before the meeting was set to begin.

 

Bodhi forced a smile and went to greet them. That was what he remembered Disciples and Guardians doing when he went to meetings as a boy. Fortunately, Tehma stood near the door to help ease the burden of personally greeting each of the attendees.

 

After a few minutes, Bodhi retreated to his makeshift platform and settled into what could pass for a meditative stance. He'd memorized and rehearsed his chosen prayer, as well as a short introductory commentary. But as more and more people flowed into the room, settling on blankets or rolling out their own prayer mats, he felt dizzy and muddle-headed.

 

Why had the Force chosen him? He wasn't right for this job. He couldn't do it.

 

“I'm with you, Bodhi. Focus on me when everything is too much,” Chirrut's warm voice intoned, instantly soothing Bodhi's rapidly fraying nerves.

 

He glanced to the side, and Chirrut's specter smiled and nodded.

 

Okay. He could do this.

 

As the hour arrived, he surveyed the room. Most of the attendees were Jedhan, though Jyn sat in the back beside Rostok, and, a few other non-Jedhan officers sat or stood near the walls. Most surprising was the sight of Leia with Luke Skywalker and the smuggler, Han, leaning against one side wall. Luke made sense, but he hadn't thought of Leia or Han as particularly religious.

 

He took another deep breath, and raised his voice to speak. “Welcome.” The low hum of conversation around the room instantly quieted.

 

He swallowed at the sudden silence, and glanced at Chirrut, who offered another encouraging nod, and then at Tehma, who stood beside the platform, and wore a confident grin.

 

Afterward, Bodhi couldn't recall exactly what words he spoke in greeting or introduction, though several of the worshipers later complimented him on his eloquence. But somehow he got through a short speech.

 

“And now, it is time to join in prayer and meditation, as we open ourselves to the Force, and to the Force of others around us,” he said, in memory of words that he recalled from the meetings of his childhood.

 

“Well said,” Chirrut whispered. That helped ease Bodhi's nerves.

 

“Today I've chosen a prayer of mourning. All of us have reason to mourn. Our lost home and family. Our friends killed in the fight against the Empire. But we have not lost each other, nor has the Force forsaken us. We are all here. We can and will stand together to build a brighter future. We will not despair. Instead, we will remember. The Force of our loved ones who have passed into eternity will surround us, and the Force of our brothers and sisters in this room will give us strength. After I speak the prayer for the first time, you are welcome to join in speaking it aloud or thinking the words silently in your minds. Now let us pray.”

 

He took a deep breath. Not a perfect speech, but good enough. Beside him, Tehma sank to the floor on his prayer mat, and the others in the room settled into their meditative stances.

 

Bodhi closed his eyes and drew several breaths to center himself. It was time. “From this moment I step into my next. From this place I step into my next. From this life I step into my next. For I am one with the Force, For ever and For ever. There is no death. There is the Force,” he chanted the prayer, falling easily into the sing-song rhythm from his childhood worship. He continued into the second stanza. “From one moment they stepped into the next. From one place they stepped into the next. From this life their stepped into their next. For they are one with the Force, For ever and For ever. There is no death. There is the Force.”

 

After a short pause, he started his first repetition of the prayer, and heard a few voices join in. Even more joined on the third repetition.

 

A vibrant warmth filled his chest, and peace settled over his mind and heart as he continued to repeat the prayer.

 

Happy memories floated through his mind – holding Baba's hand as they walked to prayer meeting; the scent of his Grandmother cooking over her small hearth; the laughter and movement as he played ball in the streets with his cousins; the way he'd felt the first time Galen reached out to take his hand; the words of the comfort the Guardians had offered him after their narrow escape from Jedha.

 

His home was not gone. Those he'd loved and cared about were not gone. There was no death – only the Force. And the Force was with him, forever and ever.

 

As a chorus of voices continued to pray alongside him, he felt the energy of every soul in the room reaching out, and joining together in unity. The Force was with them, and their Force was with each other.

 

He didn't count the repetitions of the prayer. Instead, he fell silent when the time felt right. A segment of the gathered worshipers continued to pray for a few more repetitions, a few voices falling silent after each, until at last the room was blanketed in quiet.

 

Bodhi took another deep breath, and opened his eyes.

 

Tears streaked the cheeks of more than half the worshipers – including Leia, he realized in shock. Neyris Raarif – a medic who lost her fiance in the battle against the Death Star – was openly sobbing, with a friend holding her close in an embrace. Tears even marked Rostok's cheeks. He was glad Rostok could cry. He needed that emotional release.

 

It was only a moment later that Bodhi realized his own cheeks were wet with tears. He blotted them with the back of his hand, an raised his voice one last time.

 

“Thank you all for joining in this prayer. I hope you felt the power of it as much as I did. We'll be holding nightly prayer meetings at this same time every day, and this room will be available for self-guided morning and mid-day prayers, and for quiet meditation at any other time. We welcome suggestions for any other events or gatherings. Pass them along to me, or Pvt. Tehma Yavi, or Lt. Mayris Droon. May the Force be with you.”

 

“May the Force be with you,” echoed most of the attendees.

 

And his first prayer meeting was over. His nerves had barely affected him. He smiled. With Tehma and Mayris already committed to taking turns leading the meetings, he felt like he could manage this. Maybe he was in the right place, doing the right thing, after all. It was worth the nerves for the peace and energy he'd felt from the Force.

 

He stood and exchanged brief words with several of the worshipers before Leia reached him. She pulled him into a hug, which he happily reciprocated.

 

“That was exactly what I needed,” she murmured before pulling back.

 

“I didn't know you were religious,” Bodhi said.

 

She smiled up at him. “My parents were believers, but I never had strong opinions one way or another. But I've felt things over the past few weeks – including tonight – that have made a believer out of me. I intend to carry on the religion of my parents. Thank you for giving us a place to make that happen. I expect your group will be growing. I hope we can all fit.”

 

Bodhi's eyes went wide. “You really think more people will start to come?”

 

Leia nodded. “The Jedhans aren't the only believers on this ship. Word is going to get around – there are others who will want to be a part of this.”

 

With that parting thought, she took her leave. Tehma had been chatting with Luke, but came over as soon as he saw Bodhi was free, and gripped Bodhi's hand. “I had a vision during our prayers,” he hissed.

 

“A vision?” Bodhi remembered his own vision that night on Yavin. It had been as real as anything he'd ever experienced. Had something similar happened to Tehma?

 

Tehma grinned and nodded, squeezing his hand. “Yes! I know what destiny the Force has in store for us.”

 

“You – you do?”

 

Tehma nodded. “Yes. I saw both of us wearing the robes of Guardians. We were back on Jedha, standing over an open vein of kyber crystals. We were planting a stone block in place as the cornerstone of a foundation.”

 

Bodhi blinked. “What?”

 

“Don't you see?” Tehma replied, his eyes shining with emotion. “The Force has chosen us to found a new order of the Guardians of the Whills. And when the time is right, we will return to Jedha and build a new Temple!”

 

Dizziness washed over Bodhi. Found a new religious order? Rebuild the Temple? Was this really what the Force wanted of them?

 

“Look into your heart, little brother, and you will see the truth,” Chirrut spoke from where he now stood behind Tehma's shoulder.

 

“I don't believe it. It's – it's too much. We can't do this,” Bodhi said, nausea filling his gut.

 

“Yes. We can,” Tehma said with utmost certainty. “You'll see. We can do this, and we will do this. Together.”

 

Tehma's eyes didn't waver from Bodhi's gaze, and behind him, Chirrut nodded once before fading from view.

 

Bodhi swallowed hard. What had he just gotten himself into?

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn long ago learned to fall quickly into sleep whenever she could – for years she'd never known when the next chance for a good night of sleep would come. But after the prayer meeting she lay awake for a long time, toying with her crystal and staring at the ceiling as she listened to her roommates breath.

 

Even after developing a personal relationship with a ghost, she hadn't expected an hour of prayer to affect her. But it had.

 

She felt her soul stir, and the energy of the galaxy reverberated through the whole room. At various points she believed that she heard all three of her parents whispering to her - “Stardust” - “Trust in the Force” - “May the Force be with you.”

 

It was as if her mama, papa, and Saw had all reached through the Force to let her know they were well. To let her know that they were watching over her.

 

She hoped she was making them proud.

 

Teaching and flight training might not be her first choice, but those were the duties given to her. If she was going to live up to the legacy left to her by her parents, she needed to do her best.

 

The next morning she met up with Cassian at breakfast.

 

“Hey,” she said, sliding into a seat across from him. “You should've come to the prayer meeting last night.”

 

He raised his brows. “You went?”

 

“Of course I went.” She jabbed her fork into the gummy protein they were passing off as sausage. “It was...” How to describe what she'd experienced? After a pause, she said, “It was powerful. The Force was really with us.”

 

Cassian eyed her thoughtfully. “I believe in the Force. I've just never felt the need to worship it.”

 

Jyn swallowed her food. “I think you'd get something out of it. Besides, you're supposed to be supervising all those Jedhans. I think they'd appreciate seeing their commanding officer at their meetings. It'll foster more trust and whatnot.”

 

Cassian smiled. “Well, if it'll foster whatnot, I'd better come, then. Maybe two or three times a week.”

 

Jyn nodded. “That'll do, I guess. I doubt everyone will go nightly. That's a bit much for me, I think.”

 

“Are you going tonight?” he asked.

 

Jyn studied his expression. The way he was looking at her – eager and hopeful – made her feel things she shouldn't. Things between them were a little easier now that they were talking again, but it was still complicated. He'd told her he might want to try for something more then friendship again someday, but that was less than two weeks ago. Trying to nudge him in that direction so soon could ruin the friendship they still had. But no matter how much she wanted to convince herself that friendship was good enough – that it was better than no relationship at all – there were times when it still hurt. Like right now.

 

“I am, yeah,” she answered, nervous about his answer.

 

“I'll go with you,” he said brightly, the smile lines around his eyes crinkling up.

 

Damn it. Was this flirting or friendship? Why was it so hard to tell?

 

“Sure. Great. Sounds good.” She returned her focus to her food. That, at least, was something that would never confuse her.

 

After breakfast she met up with her new teaching partner, Lt. Sorhi Tath.

 

A good ten or more years older than her, Tath proved to be an experienced special ops soldier with some practice teaching. He already had a basic lesson plan worked out for the next few weeks, but wanted to know more about Jyn's areas of expertise before finalizing the plans. A long conversation helped them work out their various strengths and specialties, but a trip to the target range was even more enlightening. Tath had more experience with long-distance weapons and shoulder mounted artillery than she did, but she matched him with small hand-blasters.

 

She whistled in admiration when he used the target simulator to blast five “enemy speeders” from the simulated battlefield with his shoulder canon. “Nice job. But this course is about prepping for close quarters fighting in ships corridors or inside bases, isn't it? Artillery won't do our students much good in those scenarios.”

 

“I guess not,” Tath replied, eyeing her with curiosity. “So we'll focus on hand-blasters?”

 

“Among other things,” Jyn replied. “How are you with batons?”

 

Tath smirked. “Fair,” he replied, in a tone that implied he was much better than “fair.”

 

“Knives?” She met him with a challenging gaze. “Improvised weaponry?”

 

Now he grinned. “I think we need to head to the fitness center and practice some techniques. I have a feeling we'll be there most days with our classes.”

 

Jyn shrugged and smiled. “There's only so much you can you learn in a target simulator. I think our students ought to learn how to get their hands dirty.”

 

Tath chuckled and wagged a finger at her. “I like the way you think.”

 

They spent the next two hours in the fitness center assessing the available equipment and sparring to test each other's skills. Tath was slightly more adept with a knife than she was, and his size gave him a distinct advantage in hand-to-hand fighting, but with batons or their “improvised” weapons she gave him a good beat down.

 

By the time they were done she felt exhausted in the best possible way.

 

It was only as they were leaving that she noticed Cassian in the far corner of the fitness center near the free weights. He and Rostok were doing their therapy exercises.

 

Jyn said goodbye to Tath and made her way over to them. “Hello, boys. How're thing?”

 

Cassian made a face. “There are only so many times you can work out with a giant rubber band before you get bored out of your mind.” He gestured to the band he'd been using for resistance exercises. It did look rather boring.

 

“But watching you and Tath go for each other's throats made things a little more interesting,” Rostok added. “I didn't get to see you in action on Scarif, but you are fucking scary, Sarge. Remind me not to piss you off.”

 

Jyn smiled and brushed her sweaty hair out of her eyes. “That is a pretty good rule of thumb.”

 

“You should have seen her on Jedha,” Cassian said, his eyes twinkling. “She took out a good handful of storm troopers with her baton before she even bothered pulling out her blaster. I didn't have to take a single shot – I just stood back and enjoyed the show.” He grinned as Rostok chuckled.

 

Jyn wore a tight-lipped smile. Damn him. Was this flirting or wasn't it? How the fuck was she supposed to know? She rocked on her heels. “I've gotta go get cleaned up and fed before my maintenance shift. I'll see you around.”

 

They both offered her casual goodbyes, but she could swear she felt Cassian's gaze following her the whole way out of the fitness center.

 

Damn him.

 

~ ~ ~

 

When Jyn joined him and Rostok for dinner, they chatted about Rostok's new part-time duties in the Armory.

 

“It's not bad.” Rostok shrugged. “I know what I'm doing. Just damn boring. What about your maintenance shift? They have you scrubbing 'freshers, yet?”

 

Jyn rolled her eyes. “I was moving cargo on the flight deck. Bodhi was there prepping for his class. He's nervous as hell. But the class only has ten students, including me, and if he manages himself as well as he did last night at the meeting, he'll be just fine.”

 

Cassian wasn't surprised she focused more on Bodhi than on her own duties. She'd fallen into the habit of looking after all the people she cared about. He wasn't even sure if she realized she was doing it.

 

“And how's the independent study course going?” he asked.

 

Jyn stuck out the tip of her tongue and made a noise.

 

Cassian chuckled. “That good, eh?”

 

She shook her head. “Regulations and procedures and protocol. It's the worst. Mind numbing. I barely got through two pages before I started drifting off. Don't know how I'll manage to get through the whole course in six weeks like you've ordered.” She rolled her eyes. “Would it do me any good to ask for an extension?”

 

“Sorry.” Cassian shook his head. A new central base was already under construction, and once it was ready, a large portion of the crew would be reassigned. He wanted Jyn to be ready for her new tasks once she was no longer under his command. “But if you think you can commit to getting through two units a week, I'll help you study every night after dinner.”

 

She sighed. “Fine. I suppose that'll make it a bit easier. Thanks.”

 

“It's no trouble,” he replied. It was probably foolish of him to feel a thrill of excitement at the prospect of a good excuse to spend more time with her for the next six weeks. It was probably selfish of him to hoard her time like this, but once they were all reassigned he might not see her again for months...

 

He looked down and took a bite of his food. When that time came he would deal with it. There was no point in dwelling on it.

 

As their meal wound down, he felt Jyn's eyes on him. He glanced up to meet her gaze. She looked troubled.

 

“What is it?” he asked softly.

 

She glanced away and shook her head. “Nothing. I'm just tired.” She pushed her dinner tray away from her and slumped in her chair. “You know, I think I'm going to have to bow out of prayer meeting tonight. Between the the sparring and the cargo hauling, I've had it for the day, and I have to be rested for my first class in the morning. I think I'll turn in early.”

 

With a pang of disappointment, Cassian squeezed his lips together and nodded. “Okay. Maybe tomorrow?”

 

She offered a less-than-enthusiastic smile. “Yeah. Sure.”

 

Had he done something wrong? Some days he felt like he knew her better than anyone else, but on others – like today – he couldn't read her at all.

 

She rose to her feet. “See you boys tomorrow.”

 

“See you,” he replied as she turned away. He watched her walk out of the mess. She did look tired. Maybe that really was all there was to it.

 

“So,” said Rostok, “you got her studying the regs and procedures, and you put her in flight training. You prepping her for special ops?”

 

Cassian clenched his jaw and looked down at his nearly empty tray. “Yeah.”

 

“Hmm.” Rostok nodded. “It suits her. Is that what she wants?”

 

“I don't know what she wants,” Cassian confessed.

 

“Figured as much,” Rostok replied.

 

Cassian's eyes narrowed. What exactly was Rostok implying?

 

Before he could say anything, Rostok spoke again. “If you still wanna go to the prayer meeting, I'll go with you.”

 

Cassian's brows rose. “You're religious?”

 

Rostok gave a short nod. “Never been very devout, but I've always been a believer. And these fucking kids..” His voice trailed off as he stared into the near distance for a moment. “These kids, Bodhi and Tehma. They're something else.” He turned back to meet Cassian's gaze. “Did you know I'm forty-fucking-eight? How many grunts like me last this long?” He shook his head. “I first joined up when I was barely a man. Me, my parents, and my four brothers. We all jumped on board with the Separatists way back when. Droid armies did most of the major fighting, but on every Separatist world there was militias like ours running ops and standing up for the little people. Lost both my parents and two of my brothers to that shit-hole of a war. And for what? To see the Empire rise twice as bad as the Republic ever was. So my last two brothers and me signed right up for the Rebellion. Vasha was killed that first year. Pavel didn't die until seven years back. I was the only one to ever have any kids. Jarom was supposed to carry on the family name...”

 

Rostok looked away again, blinking with emotion. Cassian hadn't known the full extent of what Rostok had lost to this endless war, but it didn't surprise him. “I'm sorry, Serchill.”

 

Rostok grunted and shook his head. “It is what it is. I'm shit with words. What I mean is, men like you and me – war is all we know. Once it's over, what the fuck will we do with ourselves? I have no fucking clue. But those kids – Bodhi and Tehma – they got it figured out. They ain't making our mistakes. They ain't waiting for the war to end before they start building a better future. They're doing it right fucking now. Last night it was like watching a whole world being built right before my eyes – like watching the Creator herself doing her work. There's no words, Major. No words. You gotta see it for yourself.”

 

Cassian had never been more intrigued by the Jedhan prayer meeting than he was at that moment. If it could effect both Jyn and Rostok that profoundly, there must be something special going on. “Okay. I'll go with you.”

 

That evening Cassian sat in the back of the prayer room, pulling his chair in between two crates. Rostok took a seat on one of the crates, and, to Cassian's surprise, the princess sat on his other side.

 

“Good to see you here, Andor,” said Leia.

 

“And you, Your Highness,” Cassian replied.

 

She smiled and shook her head. “Save the title for elsewhere. In this room, it's just Leia.”

 

“Yes, Leia,” he managed, the personal address feeling strange on his tongue.

 

“No Jyn tonight?” she asked.

 

Cassian blinked. Why would she expect him to be here with Jyn? “Uh, no. She said she needed to turn in early, tonight.”

 

“Ah.” Leia nodded. “Tell her hi for me when you see her.”

 

“I will.” Cassian frowned slightly at the thought that princess assumed he'd see Jyn before she would. They were friends, but lots of friends didn't see each other every day. Had their actions after the celebration on Yavin led to gossip? He hated gossip.

 

He was glad when the meeting started to distract him from that train of thought.

 

To Cassian's surprise, it was Tehma who led the prayer that night. He chose a prayer of unity, and prefaced it with a short speech about the importance of standing by each other, and the promise of building a new Jedha someday. Then he began the prayer. “The Force of others is with me. My Force is with others around me. The Force is with us, and we are together in the Force.”

 

It was a short prayer, and soon most of the men and women in the room had joined in the chant, some bowing forward, some with their faces upturned, some holding hands, some with eyes closed. He'd never been to a religious meeting of any sort, and for the first few minutes he felt a bit uncomfortable – especially when Leia softly joined in the prayer beside him. Rostok remained silent, but closed his eyes and bowed his head.

 

Eventually, Cassian decided to try to play along. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths as he listened to the collective chant of the prayer. He found himself breathing in time with the rhythm and cadence of the prayer. Somehow he felt a buzz of energy through the room, and a deep sense of peace, all at once. He never vocally joined the prayer, but it soon filled his mind so completely that all other thoughts slipped away.

 

Eventually voices began to drop away until the room felt silent. And in that brief moment of silent, he felt more relaxed than he had in longer than he could remember.

 

Then Tehma gave a short speech to close the meeting, and Cassian opened his eyes to a hum of soft conversation. No one in the room felt like a stranger. It was as if they all belonged with each other and to each other.

 

Leia slipped off of her crate and offered a quick goodbye. Cassian turned to Rostok. “You were right, Serchill. This is something special. Thank you for convincing to me to come.”

 

“Anytime, Major,” Rostok replied with a tight-lipped smile and a nod.

 

The next morning, Cassian found Jyn at breakfast. “Hey,” he said, pulling his chair up to the table. “I went to the meeting with Rostok last night.”

 

Her eyes widened in surprise. “You did?”

 

“I did.” He nodded. “You were right. It was a powerful experience.”

 

She smirked. “Told you so.” And just like that, the strange tension from the previous day faded away.

 

Good. Maybe things between them were still on the right track, after all.

 

 

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I chose the quote for obvious reasons.
> 
> Exploring spiritual and religious themes in fiction has kind of been my "thing" lately, but if you're not into that, don't worry, this is the most overtly spiritual chapter of the fic. Thanks for reading. And a reminder, my hella random and multi-fandom Tumblr is mediumsizedfountain.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The survivors settle into their community, building friendships and striving for something resembling “normal.” Bodhi and Tehma butt heads while Jyn and Cassian grow closer.

> “I never had a group of friends before, I promise that I'll make y'all proud.”
> 
> _My Shot,_ Lin Manuel Miranda's _Hamilton_
> 
>  

 

Over the next few weeks Jyn fell into a comfortable pattern. She had every sixth day off, with another half-day off in between. She ate most of her meals with Cassian or Bodhi along with whatever Jedhans happened to be around, but also made sure to have a long lunch with Veera on her day off. It was nice having a female friend, for once. On work mornings she taught classes with Tath. Whenever her management or organizational skills fell short, Tath would step up and fill in the gaps – she was learning quite a lot from him. She was also learning that she really enjoyed teaching her skills to others, and actually being appreciated for her abilities. And she enjoyed taking down opponents much larger than herself on a regular basis in front of a crowd of respectful onlookers.

 

Cassian was often in the the fitness center at the same time as her classes, and after her sparring matches she would sneak a glance in his direction to see if he was watching. He usually was.

 

In the afternoons she alternated between her maintenance shifts and flight training. In spite of his initial nervousness, Bohdi had proved to be an excellent teacher – extremely competent, encouraging and patient – just as she'd expected him to be.

 

She would often go to the evening prayer meetings, but first, in the early evening, she always made her way back to the fitness center where Cassian was doing his second therapy session of the day. She quickly learned how to configure the weights and other equipment to Cassian's specifications so that he could transition between exercises quickly. And while he exercised he'd quiz her on her latest unit of her rules and procedures course.

 

It didn't take long for Jyn to come to a state of resignation when it came to her relationship with Cassian. It was going to be confusing, and that was that. About a month after their conversation about putting any thoughts of romance on hold, fully half of their interactions now fell solidly in the “good friends” category; however, the other half of their interactions continued to be full of barely restrained flirtation and endlessly frustrating sexual tension. If she wanted to keep him in her life (which she undeniably did) there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it.

 

She was learning to take long runs on a treadmill followed by cold showers every night before bed.

 

On her third half-day-off since starting her regular duty schedule, she found herself in the fitness center for a momentous occasion. Cassian had been fitted with his power-assist leg braces, and would be attempting to stand and walk for the first time since Scarif.

 

Jyn stood and watched as Veera and Dr. Garra crouched around the bench where Cassian sat with a scowl on his face as they tightened the braces around his legs, connected them to the stiff belt around his waist, and then attached wires from the braces to sensors on his spine. “These things are fucking uncomfortable,” Cassian grumbled as the women made their final adjustments.

 

“You'll get used to them,” Dr. Garra pronounced as she stood up straight.

 

Veera straightened beside her and nodded. “Using these braces is the fastest way to rebuild your muscle strength and motor control. It'll be worth a little discomfort.”

 

Cassian continued to frown, but gave a short nod. He wore the blank expression that Jyn had come to recognize as nervousness combined with self-consciousness. Even when things really were all about him, he hated when things were all about him. It was probably something he'd never really get over, even though Jyn had known few other people so desperately in need of a little care and attention. The only reason she even knew to be here was because Veera had told her about it. Cassian hadn't mentioned a thing.

 

Jyn could clearly see the self-consciousness in Cassian's eyes every time he glanced her way. She did her best to reply with her most non-judgmental smile. (Though she still had no concrete idea of what made a smile judgmental or not, she was determined to try). “This is what you've been working toward since the first day back from Scarif,” she said. “None of this has been easy, but you're not one to shy away from hard work. It might be awkward and uncomfortable the first few times you try to get around in public with these, but no worse than it was when you first got the chair. And this is the safest place in the galaxy to take your new first steps, with only your doctor, your nurse, and your best friend to witness it.”

 

Cassian held her gaze with a startled look in his eyes, and it was only then that Jyn realized how casually she'd labeled herself his best friend.

 

She lightly bit down on the inside of her bottom lip and tried not to show the anxiety that now welled up from her gut.

 

This wasn't the sort of thing adults talked about. They hadn't gleefully proclaimed themselves “best friends for life” or exchanged friendship bracelets like she vaguely remembered kids doing during her short time in school on Coruscant. But they were best friends – weren't they?

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian's mouth felt dry and his heart thumped far too loud in his chest. He hadn't told Jyn about this thing with the braces because he hadn't wanted her to make a fuss over him. Yet here she still was, saying those words.

 

“Best friend.” It caught him completely off-guard.

 

He hadn't allowed himself to put any kind of label on his relationship with Jyn. Not since those first weeks on Yavin.

 

(Love. That's what he'd called it back then, if only to himself.)

 

He quickly pulled his mind back from that train of thought to refocus on the present moment, with Jyn – clearly self-conscious about her choice of words – staring at him silently. Waiting.

 

“Okay,” he said, his voice a little rougher than it should be. “Lets get on with it.” Movement. Action. That's what he needed to get past this moment of uncertainty.

 

About a foot and a half in front of him stood a pair of sturdy parallel railings. It was time to stand up and grab them.

 

(He could puzzle over his relationship with Jyn later.)

 

Dr. Garra and Veera stood on either side of him. “Remember,” said Garra, “I've got it on a medium setting. That will be enough to give an added boost to all your muscle movements without feeling like it's completely taking over for your muscles. As you get stronger, you can turn it down to increasingly lower settings. It'll take some practice to get used to gauging your movements, and balance will come slowly. We'll start with just a short session today – about twenty minutes – and build up gradually. Now, reach up and we'll boost you by your arms until you reach the railings. Ready?”

 

He glanced at Jyn, again. She didn't look at all nervous anymore. Why should she be? She wasn't the one in danger of falling on her ass in front of everyone.

 

He clenched his teeth and lifted his arms for the boost. “Ready.”

 

Though he'd been increasing the weight and resistance in his leg exercises steadily for weeks, the sudden feeling of holding his weight upright was something completely different. With the added strength of the braces his body didn't feel too heavy – rather, standing felt almost foreign, as if he'd never really done it before.

 

He'd taken his strength and balance so much for granted for so long that the labored, wavering steps to the railings left him frowning with frustration. He could feel the tiny servos of the braces kicking in to boost his movement every time he lifted his foot. If he hadn't been wearing them he had no doubt he wouldn't be able to take a step at all, let alone stay upright, in spite of the well over a hundred hours of therapy he'd put in over the past month.

 

He gripped the railings and wobbled slightly as he focused on staying upright. A sudden burst of anger popped open like a bubble in his mind.

 

His ability to run and climb had helped save the whole fucking rebellion not quite two months ago, yet the callous acceptance of Draven's order had stripped him of those very abilities. He'd been reduced to a second infancy because of that man, and no one except the women in this room had stepped up to protest.

 

He stared down the short-yet-dangerously-long passage between the railings, seething at the injustice of it all. Squeezing his hands and bracing his arms, he lifted his right foot a scant inch from the padded floor and moved it a few inches forward before planting it back down. He repeated the process with his left foot.

 

He wouldn't let this beat him.

 

His arms ached with the effort of bearing most of his weight and sweat had beaded on his forehead by the time he finished traversing the path between the bars. It took more than three minutes to walk the fifteen feet.

 

That was unacceptable. He'd have to do better.

 

As he reached the end of the railings, both Jyn and Veera closed in on him.

 

“We'll help you turn around,” said Veera.

 

He didn't want to be coddled. He clenched his jaw, and before they could reach for his arms he let go of one of the railings and attempted to swivel himself around.

 

In a flash, one of his feet slid out from under him and his other leg began to crumple, unable to hold his weight alone. He grabbed at the closest rail, fighting desperately not to fall on his ass.

 

And in the next instant Jyn's hands were in his armpits, lifting up on both of his arms. “Push with that right foot. Just a bit more. Okay. Now get the left back under you.” He followed her directions, and regained his footing.

 

“I've got it. Let go,” he snarled.

 

She stepped back, and he focused only on the railings ahead of him. He didn't want to see her face. Whether she'd be looking at him in pity or exasperation or – or whatever – he didn't want to see it.

 

He lifted his feet, one after the other, and slowly made his way back down the length of the railings, panting for breath by the end.

 

“That's enough for now,” said Garra, pushing his chair up to him. He allowed her and Veera to help him turn and sit, this time. Jyn held back.

 

He squeezed his lips together and looked away from her. He'd turned his anger on her, again. Fuck. This was why he'd distanced their relationship in the first, yet here he was, still hurting her.

 

“Rest for a couple of minutes,” said Garra. “Then do your normal series of leg lifts with the resistance band, and try standing up and sitting back down a few times. That'll be enough for this first day.”

 

After he agreed to her instructions, Garra left him with just Veera and Jyn.

 

Veera handed him a water bottle, and Jyn grabbed his strongest resistance band. He murmured his thanks before taking a drink and strapping the band around his left foot for his regular exercise series. In spite of the muscle fatigue from his walk, the exercises were still easier with the braces than they had been without. He sighed. Okay. So these things were terrible – but they'd get him back on his feet faster than crutches and therapy alone. That was what he wanted, wasn't it?

 

When he switched the band to his right leg, Veera glanced at him and Jyn. “I've got some work to get back to. Will the two of you be okay without me?”

 

“Yes,” Cassian replied, trying to sound friendly. He'd been too snappish at Jyn, today. He kept making this same mistake, over and over again. He needed to break this cycle. As uncomfortable as he'd been when Jyn first showed up, there was something strangely reassuring about her presence. It was unfair of him to react to that unfamiliar sensation by fighting against it. She deserved better than that.

 

Jyn nodded. “We'll manage just fine.”

 

Veera slipped out, and Jyn watched in silence as Cassian finished his resistance band exercises. He set aside the band, and met her gaze. She wasn't looking at him any differently than she ever did. In fact, the only time he'd ever seen anything resembling pity in her expression was in that first moment when he told her that he'd never fully recover. Since then she'd shown no sign of pitying him or thinking less of him.

 

It was foolish of him not to tell her about today. He didn't need to hide from her. He cleared his throat. “So, uh, I'll need a little help with the up and down practice that the doctor told me to do.”

 

“Sure thing.” Jyn rose to her feet and stepped in front of his chair. He'd lowered it and retracted the foot rests so that his feet were firmly on the floor. Jyn held out her hands to him. “Ready?”

 

Everything between them, from the very start, had been about trust. Less than half an hour ago she'd confessed to thinking of him as her best friend, and yet he hadn't been willing to trust her enough to invite her to this session with the braces himself. What was he so afraid of? One thing he was certain of – the problem wasn't with Jyn. It was him. It was always him.

 

That was unacceptable. He'd have to do better.

 

He managed a half smile as he met her eyes and gripped her arms just below the elbows. “Ready.”

 

She closed her fingers around his lower arms and smiled back at him as he slowly rose to his feet.

 

Standing up wasn't easy, but with her grip to steady him and the power-assist-braces to give his muscles some reinforcement, it was manageable.

 

He may not be the man he used to be. He never would be again. But this was the first step toward regaining his independence. He needed to focus on that positive step, rather than dwelling on what he'd lost.

 

With Jyn's help he practiced standing and sitting ten times in a row. After standing for the eleventh time, he smiled down at her.

 

When she'd told him she'd be here for him every step of the way, she'd really meant it, hadn't she? That was another positive step he needed to focus on. He was so tired of being angry about what he'd lost. Maybe it was finally time to let go and move on.

 

For the first time in years he had a group of friends he could rely on and confide in. He had a promotion. A command. The respect of several of the leaders of the Alliance. He also had something he'd long ago given up on – he had a future. And he had Jyn.

 

He needed to stop mourning the life this injury took from him. Especially when, in return, he'd gained so much.

 

He wasn't sure what finally brought him to this realization. Today was only slightly different from the days that came before it. Yet, suddenly, everything felt transformed.

 

Jyn continued to smile and raised her brows in an unspoken question.

 

“Can we, maybe, walk a little?” he asked.

 

“Sure.” Her eyes twinkled a little. “Do you want to stay like this, or would it help more to put your hands on my shoulders?”

 

“Shoulders, I think,” he replied.

 

She nodded, and one at a time he let go of her arms and placed his hands on her shoulders. He could feel his muscles trembling, but he remained steady. Jyn rested her hands on his hips, and a tingle ran down his spine.

 

“Okay, go on three?” she said.

 

He nodded. “My right foot first. One. Two. Three.” He shifted his right foot forward, and Jyn mirrored him, shifting her left foot back. They continued like that for several steps, moving toward a nearby bench. His legs ached by now, but this was what he needed. Every day of work would make him stronger.

 

They took a few more mirrored steps. Cassian let out a soft laugh. “It's almost like dancing.”

 

Jyn quirked her head and grinned up at him. “I wouldn't know. I never learned to dance.”

 

Of course she hadn't. Not with the life she'd led. “I only learned because of the intelligence work. A few of my deep cover missions put me in positions where I had to socialize with higher classes. I only needed the skill a couple of times, but it paid off to learn.”

 

“Huh. So you managed to charm a few Imperial ladies while gathering your tidbits of information, did you?” she teased. They'd almost reached the bench.

 

“That's classified,” he retorted, smirking at her.

 

She rolled her eyes. “Want to sit down?” She gestured to the bench.

 

“Sure.”

 

Jyn helped him turned and back up until the backs of his calves hit the bench. He took her arms again and she helped him lower down slowly so he wouldn't tip off the back of the bench while trying to find his seat. Then she plopped down beside him. “Well done, for your first time back on your feet. You should be proud.”

 

“Yeah. I should be, shouldn't I?” Less than two months after fracturing his spine, he was back on his feet. That might not feel like a big accomplishment to the old Cassian – but to the new one? He smiled. Yeah. This really was a good day.

 

“Knowing how hard you work yourself, you'll be out and about all over the ship before another week passes.” Jyn leaned forward, resting her elbows on her thighs, and smiled.

 

Cassian took a deep breath. He needed to embrace his new realizations about life – about his future. The first step was to make things better with Jyn. “I should have told you about today. Thank you for coming.”

 

Jyn nodded. “You're welcome. And I suppose we should both be thanking Veera for being such an incorrigible busy-body.”

 

Cassian chuckled. “Yes. I haven't always been happy with the way she noses into everyone's business, but this time it paid off.”

 

Jyn lightly nudged his knee with hers. “If you ever want to get back at her for all her nosiness, you should ask her when she and Mahir Raarif are going to put in a request for shared quarters, what with them spending most nights together, anyway.”

 

Cassian shook his head and laughed. “I'll save that one for next time she tries to pry some gossip out of me.”

 

“Good. You do that. She might be my friend, but I'm not above a little good natured pay-back.” She knocked knees with him again.

 

Getting back to his original thoughts, Cassian said, “Anyway, what I mean to say is, I should be better at communicating with you. I'm a little out of practice when it comes to managing friendships.”

 

Jyn's forehead scrunched. “You've got plenty of friends.”

 

“No,” he shook his head. “I have plenty of pals. Buddies. Acquaintances. Plenty of people I could chat with over a meal or a hand of cards or a drink. But it's been a long time since I had any close friends. My line of work … it made close friendships difficult.” That was an understatement.

 

Jyn nodded, meeting his gaze. “I can imagine. You must've been off on your own for months at a time, doing things you couldn't talk about to anyone, and other things you wouldn't want to talk about, even if you could.”

 

She understood. Of course she understood. “Exactly. I had a couple of good friends before I started working as a solo operative. It got harder and harder to talk to them in between assignments. I was a little relieved when we got assigned to different bases. That was easier than seeing the looks in their eyes when I came back from each mission more and more a stranger to them.”

 

“That's why Kay meant so much to you,” she said quietly. “He could keep your secrets, and would never judge you for what you'd done.”

 

Cassian looked down at his hands and nodded. “Yes.” There were times when he felt as if losing his legs wouldn't have been so bad if he still had Kay. Not a day went by when he didn't think of him.

 

“I wish I could get him back for you,” said Jyn.

 

Cassian sighed. This wasn't supposed to turn into a pity-session. He managed a smile. “Thank you. I don't think I'm going to stop missing him anytime soon, but things are different, now. I have real friends again. Bodhi and Tehma and Serchill. And you.”

 

She lifted her gaze again and smiled. “Yeah.”  
  
“What you said about our friendship, when I was first getting the braces on –”

 

She cut him off, waving a hand in front of her and shaking her head. “You don't have to pay any attention to my babbling. I just go off sometimes, it's –”

 

“Jyn.” He raised his voice slightly, and she stopped talking. “Jyn,” he repeated, once her gaze was back on him, “you were right. You are my best friend.”

 

Her whole frame relaxed and a relieved smile spread on her face. “Oh. Well then.”

 

He'd meant to make things less tense between them, but somehow a strange new tension now hung in the air. They both fidgeted for a moment. He wondered where to take this conversation, next.

 

Jyn spoke first. “I feel like we ought to be exchanging friendship bracelets, or something.” She let out a breathy laugh, and just like that, the tension was gone.

 

Cassian grinned at her. “Or maybe we could cut our hands and hold them together, to seal a blood-bond.”

 

“Goodness – is that what kids on Fest, did?” Her eyes were wide.

 

Cassian shrugged. “Yeah. It was a pretty common thing.”

 

She shuddered. “On Coruscant, kids were much more inclined to exchange jewelry. I think I prefer that method. More decorative and less - scarring.”

 

Cassian laughed. “Not tough enough for a little scar?”

 

“Oh, I'm plenty tough enough. But one new scar would hardly signify a thing, I've got so many.” She puffed up her chest and lifted her chin as she bragged.

 

“Well then,” he said, “I just had the best idea. Both decorative and scarring. We could get matching tattoos.” This whole train of conversation had veered deep into silly territory, but he didn't care one bit. He almost felt his age, for once.

 

“Now that,” she wagged a pointed finger at him, “is an idea worth considering. What kind of tattoo did you have in mind.”

 

They tossed around ideas for a few minutes, ranging from the symbol of the rebel fleet to various phrases, to a kyber crystal, or even a portrait of K-2SO. But they couldn't settle on anything. If they _did_ pick something, would he actually go through with it? He'd been warned off of any body art while serving as an intelligence operative – it would make him too easy to identify. But he wasn't an intelligence operative anymore. It was enough to send his mind spinning.

 

At last they agreed that they'd have to keep thinking about it, and Cassian admitted he had some duties to get to in the late afternoon.

 

Jyn sighed. “Okay, then. We'll have to brainstorm on our own and compare thoughts, later. Lets get you back to your chair.”

 

She helped him back to his feet, and they repeated their dance-like steps back to his float-chair. Once he was settled in, she helped him unbuckle and click off the braces, and stowed them in the carrying case which slipped nicely into the narrow cargo-compartment on the back of his chair.

 

“There,” she said, after stowing the case. “All good to go. See you at dinner?”

 

“You can count on it,” he replied. He was determined that from today forward she'd could always count on him, the same way she'd proved that he could always count on her.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Most evenings, Bodhi and Tehma spent the hour before prayer meeting studying the texts of the Guardians together. Most nights were nothing more than fruitful spiritual study and discussion, but on some nights, Bodhi would notice a look of challenge in Tehma's eyes. On those nights—like tonight—Bodhi knew exactly what was coming.

 

“So,” said Tehma, a confrontational note in his voice, “you just came to the same conclusion about the meaning of that passage that it took scholars and theologians two centuries to reach, and you did it all on your own. Tell me again how you're not qualified to found a new order of Guardians?”

 

Bodhi stood up and shook his head. “Not this, again.” He started circling the room, straightening the prayer mats, whether they needed it or not.

 

Tehma followed him. “Come on. You can't avoid this forever. The Force chose us. We can't ignore that.”

 

“I'm not ignoring it!” Bodhi spun on his heels. “I – I'm just – I can't do this, yet. Okay?” They'd had this conversation too many times, already. “I'm not saying never. Just not yet.”

 

Tehma stepped up to him. “Why not? You always say you're not ready, but what does that mean?”

 

“I just –” Bodhi clenched his fists and squeezed his eyes shut. A tumult of memories danced in his mind. Where to even start? “Two and half months ago, I was still an Imperial cargo pilot.” He met Tehma's challenging gaze. “I was in love, I had a family and a home. Then I made a choice, and because of that choice, all of that is gone. Everything I knew and everything I was, gone. I'm only just getting a handle on who I am as a rebel soldier and a teacher and a prayer leader. Don't force me to try to found a religious order on top of all that. I can't. I need more time. If you aren't willing to wait, you'll have to do it yourself.” He didn't like issuing ultimatums, but every time they had this conversation his anxiety threatened to overtake him. He couldn't keep doing this.

 

Tehma blinked a few times before his expression crumbled in distress. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you. If you're not ready, you're not ready. I'll be more patient, okay?” His voice quavered, as if he was afraid that Bodhi would walk away from everything they were doing – not just from his push to found a new order.

 

Bodhi's shoulders slumped. “It's okay. I'm sorry, too. I – I should have been more clear from the start. I do need more time. But we're still in this together. That's not changing.”

 

Tehma cracked a smile. “Okay. Good. I was worried for minute.”

 

Bodhi rested a hand on Tehma's shoulder. “We're a team now, yeah? We'll figure this out eventually. We'll have time. I know we will.”

 

“Thanks. Yeah. I'm glad you think of us that way. As a team.” Tehma edged closer to Bodhi, and seemed on the verge of saying something more when the first group of worshipers walked through the door.

 

Tehma stepped back, and Bodhi dropped his hand.

 

“Let's finish getting set up,” said Tehma, and turned back to the platform to straighten the mat.

 

Bodhi sighed. He was glad this argument was finally resolved. He needed Tehma in his life, but he also needed time to adjust to his new reality. The only question that still troubled him was – he knew he needed more time, but just how much? That was still a question with no answer. And he wouldn't find one anytime soon – not with his life as busy at it was.

 

As if to remind him of all the responsibilities he'd taken on, Leia strode up just then to continue a discussion about picking out one week a night for casual performances of music, poetry and storytelling to follow the prayer meeting. And naturally, he was expected to organize it.

 

How would he ever be ready to take on a position of religious authority that Tehma insisted the Force had chosen him for when he barely had time to think?

 

He set aside those thoughts for the time being. He had a prayer meeting to lead. And a class to prep for tomorrow. And another letter to write to General Josten about the progress of the Jedhan community. And... He was sure there was more.

 

There was always more.

 

~ ~ ~

 

After ten days of practice with his braces, Cassian graduated from walking back forth between the railings to slowly hobbling around the fitness center with crutches. His pace was still slow and uneven, but he couldn't help but feel a sense of satisfaction over the progress. He was on his feet again.

 

One morning, after making a slow circuit of the fitness room, he sank to a bench next to where Rostok was doing squats with free weights on his shoulders that were very nearly as heavy as Cassian. (Though, to Rostok, that probably seemed small, considering he was squatting with weight considerably heavier that Cassian before Scarif.)

 

With a grunt, Rostok lowered the weights back into their cradle, grabbed his cane, and limped over to sit next to Cassian. “I think that about does it for today, Major,” he grumbled. “My knee aches like a bitch and the damn metal thing is itching again.”

 

“You really should get a support wrap for that knee,” Cassian commented.

 

“Yeah, yeah. I'll make a note on my calendar,” said Rostok, though his sarcastic tone implied he intended to do no such thing.

 

Cassian pursed his lips before speaking again. “Serchill – Dr. Garra told me she's been urging you to do more walking without the cane. Before we leave, how about you take a lap around the room without it?”

 

Rostok's expression darkened, like a storm cloud rolling over his face. “Garra got you doing her dirty work, now?”

 

“She did express some concerns to me,” he confessed. “If you aren't ready for a lap of the whole room, try just up and back through the free weight area.”

 

“I can't do it.” Rostok glared down at his hand gripping the handle of his cane.

 

“Just give it a try.” It was no fun pushing him like this, but Cassian had to help him get out of his rut.

 

Rostok just shook his head.

 

“I can make this an order, if I have to,” Cassian said at last.

 

“I can't fucking do it!” Rostok growled. “When I put my whole weight on the damn thing, pain shoots up my nerves all the way to my shoulders. I don't care what the fucking doctor told you – she ain't me. She doesn't feel my pain. I can't. Fucking. Do it.”

 

The vehemence of Rostok's words took Cassian aback. Serchill hadn't complained much about the leg over the past month, and he'd seemed to be quietly adapting to his new life here. Apparently there was a lot he hadn't been sharing.

 

Rostok shook his head. “Sorry, Major. That was out of line.”

 

“No,” Cassian replied. “I was the one who was out of line. You have to get through this rehab at your own pace – not at mine or Dr. Garra's. I shouldn't have pushed you. I'm sorry.”

 

Serchill looked down at his boots and shook his head. “I don't think the pain'll ever go away. It's gonna be with me until I die.”

 

The hollow tone in his voice was unnerving. Cassian felt the need to do something more to help, but he had no idea what. “Are you still seeing that counselor Garra sent you to?”

 

“No.” Rostok sniffed. “Didn't see the point. Wasn't making any fucking difference. If it ain't gonna help, why bother?”

 

Cassian clenched his jaw. There had to be something more he could do. “There are two other medics trained as counselors on board. Maybe one of them would be a better fit for you?”

 

Rostok shrugged. “Don't know. Maybe.”

 

“If I get you their names, will you set an appointment? Please, Serchill. I'm just trying to help.”

 

Rostok sighed. “Okay. I know you are, Major. Sorry.” His shoulders slumped. “Fine. You get me the names, I'll set a fucking appointment.”

 

Cassian nodded. “Good. I'll message you the names after my duty shift.”

 

They left it at that, and the next day Rostok told him he had, in fact, set an appointment with one of the new counselors. Cassian only hoped it would be enough. He had no idea what more he could do.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn wasn't sure what to expect from the first “cultural program” after a prayer meeting. The two fellows reciting poetry at the beginning didn't do much to hold her attention. Then, two of her fellow flight-students got up with some sort of guitars with Mayris and Auntie Neev (as everyone had taken to calling the aging mechanic) singing along. Most of the songs were in a Jedhan dialect, but Jyn found them very lovely. She even swayed and hummed along for awhile until she turned her head a little and saw Cassian, who was sitting next to her, staring at her with a delighted smile on his face.

 

Self-conscious rose warm inside of her, and she looked away and stopped humming – though she couldn't completely stop herself from swaying.

 

The performance ended to rousing applause, and Leia stood to announce that there would now be weekly cultural presentations, and anyone who would like to perform should talk to Bodhi to get onto the schedule.

 

She waited as the crowd started to filter out of the room. Cassian had walked here with his braces and crutches, and still needed a little extra space to maneuver comfortably.

 

“You like music?” he asked suddenly.

 

She shrugged. “I suppose so. I never had much time to indulge in this sort of thing. It didn't really fit into my life.”

 

“Hmm.” Cassian studied her intently. “Would you like to listen to some more? I've got a good selection of recordings on data sticks in my quarters.”

 

She raised her brows. “Really?”

 

“Really.” He gave her a bemused smile. “Some of it I had to listen to in order to prep myself on a planetary culture before an undercover assignment. But I like music. There were a lot of long, empty days with no one for company but Kay. Sometimes I'd listen to music to help fill the void, you know?”

 

Jyn couldn't help but smile at the shy tone in his voice as he revealed yet another aspect of his personality to her. There were times when she thought he'd spent so many years pretending to be other people that he was a little rusty at just being Cassian. But he was getting better all the time.

 

“So – did you want to? Come listen to some?”

 

“Right now?” she replied. He was usually so regimented about his schedule – a late evening hang-out in his quarters was definitely out of the norm.

 

“Sure. Why not? Tomorrow's your day off, isn't it? So you don't have to get up early, or anything.” He fidgeted slightly and glanced down at the floor. He was nervous. And adorable.

 

She smiled but bit lightly on the inside of her bottom lip. Would agreeing to this just lead her to another rejection? She wasn't sure if their friendship could survive that, and she didn't want to lose him. But maybe this was nothing. Just two friends, hanging out, listening to music, in his private quarters, late at night.

 

Kriff. And he looked so damn hopeful.

 

“Okay. Sure. Let's,” she said. She'd have to play things cool and make an excuse to leave if there was too much tension.

 

“Great.” He beamed. He looked beautiful. Fuck.

 

They walked to his quarters, and Jyn kept her pace slow so he could keep up. He was getting faster on the crutches, but couldn't quite match her normal pace, yet. “You're really get the hang of things with these crutches. What does the doctor think about your prospects for getting rid of the braces? Or the crutches? I'm not sure which would come first.”

 

Cassian grimaced. “At our last check up, she said the most likely outcome given my progress is that within another year I'll be able to walk with the crutches but no braces, or with the braces with no crutches, but there's not much of a chance that I'll ever be able to go without both.”

 

Jyn squeezed her lips together and nodded. There was still an edge of bitterness in his voice every time they directly discussed his injuries. Not that she blamed him. “Well, on the bright side, they're both better than the chair, right?”

 

“Yes. You're right about that.” His smile returned.

 

After a short lift ride and another short walk, they reached his quarters. This was her first time visiting his private quarters on Home One – with memories of their night in his room on Yavin still fresh in her mind, she'd avoided coming. But they were real friends again. Best friends. It was time.

 

She really hoped this wasn't a mistake.

 

He opened the door and let her step inside ahead of him. The room was small and spare. His bunk occupied one of the far corners, stretched out along the wall, with a built-in cabinet and drawers abutting the foot. The bed was immaculately made, of course. Next to the door was a desk, with his float chair as the only seating. It made sense – fitting the float chair and another chair would have over-crowded the cramped space. Another door, near the cabinet, led to what she imagined must be a tiny all-in-one refresher of the type common aboard, with a pull-out sink and toilet that could be stowed out of the way to instantly convert the whole cramped space into a shower stall.

 

There was nothing in the way of decoration. Just a few data pads on the desk top and a small bin full of data-sticks next to them.

 

She nodded. “Not bad. At least you've got privacy.” She was cramped into a ten-bunk room that shared a refresher with just three showers and three toilets.

 

“The advantages of rank,” he teased. He nodded toward the bunk. “Go on and have a seat while I find the music.”

 

A shiver ran down her spine at the thought of sitting on his bed, but she nodded and walked over, perching right on the edge.

 

He opened one of the drawers and pulled out a small snap case, which he carried over to the desk before sitting down on the deactivated float-chair. He opened the case and rifled through it before pulling out a stick and inserting it into the nearest pad.

 

“The speakers are shit, but it's the best I've got,” he said a moment before some unfamiliar music began to play from the pad.

 

He was right, the speakers were crap. Even so, the trilling sound of flutes along with vigorous strumming of guitars in an upbeat tune lifted her spirits instantly. She smiled. “I like this. Very much.”

 

He met her gaze with another shy smile. “It's traditional Festian music. Most everyone learned to play a guitar or fiddle or flutes when we were trapped inside half the winter. It was a way to pass the time and lift the spirits.”

 

“I can see why. It's already lifting my spirits, and I've barely heard any of it. Did you learn to play anything?” She tried to picture him holding a flute to his lips and nearly giggled at the thought.

 

“A little guitar, when I was a boy. Haven't even tried to play in years – not since leaving home.”

 

She knew better than to pursue that subject – not when they were trying to enjoy themselves. “Maybe you'll get a chance to learn again, someday. When the war is over.”

 

His eyes grew distant for a moment. He nodded. “When the war is over. I'm starting to believe I might actually see the other side. I never used to think that.”

 

“Me neither,” she admitted. But that had changed. Surviving Scarif and watching Bodhi and Tehma build their community and their faith – all of it had made her start to wonder about “after.” It still wasn't something she spent a lot of time thinking about, but it would cross her mind in quiet moments.

 

It had been so long since she had anything resembling a normal life. She couldn't even begin to fathom how to create one after some future hypothetical victory over the Empire.

 

She sat back and listened to the rest of the song, her mind puzzling over that remote possibility. When the song ended, Cassian stopped the recording before another could start. “Want to hear something from another world? I have a pretty good collection.”

 

“Sure.” Anything to take her mind off of questions with no answers.

 

They listened to a little Correlian jazz before switching over to some Alderaanian dance-club music. The fast rhythms, pounding beats, and infectious riffs had her swaying and nodded her head. One song had a particularly catchy chorus, “Come on and ring my bell – ring ring ring – ring my bell – ring my bell – ring ring ring – ring my bell.”

 

By the end of the song Jyn found herself singing along. Cassian grinned and laughed at her. “Maybe you should perform after the meeting sometime.”

 

Jyn rolled her eyes. “Very funny. What the hell does it mean, anyway? Ring my bell? It's got to be some sort of Alderaanian slang, right?”

 

“I think so, but I'm not sure what it means. Leia might. You should ask her next time you see her.” His eyes twinkled.

 

“Maybe I will,” she replied.

 

They listened to a few more songs before Cassian suggested they call it night. Jyn agreed and quickly said good-night. As she walked down the corridor toward her bunk-room, it occurred to her that being alone with him had hardly been tense or awkward at all. She smiled. They were making this work. They were going to be okay.

 

Mid-morning the next day, when she was headed toward the fitness center for a work out, she saw Leia with a few of her staff down the hall. She jogged to catch up with them. “Leia – Princess – do have just a minute to answer a question for me?”

 

“Sure,” said Leia, stopping to face Jyn. “What is it, Sergeant?”

 

Leia's staff members glared at her, and Jyn felt a little silly, but since she'd already got Leia to stop, she might as well go through with her question. “So, I was listening to some Alderaanian popular music, and I heard this one song with a bit of slang I didn't understand. What does _ring my bell_ mean?”

 

One of Leia's staffers spluttered and the other coughed. That wasn't a good sign.

 

Leia, on the other hand, seemed unfazed. She rolled her eyes. “I always thought that was a ridiculous term for it. It's what a man would say when he wants his partner to use their hands to help him along. You know...” She formed both of her hands into circles, like they were gripping something, held them near her crotch, and made a rubbing gesture.

 

Jyn could feel her face flaming, even as Leia's staffers looked like they were shooting blasters through their eyes at her.

 

“Ah,” she said. “I probably should've picked up on that from context. Well – makes for a damn catchy chorus, though, doesn't it?”

 

Leia grinned. “Yes. It does. Was that all?”

 

“Yep. That was it. Thank you, Your Highness.”

 

Leia kept on grinning as she led her staffers away.

 

Embarrassment flooded through her. Cassian did this on purpose. He had to have known. That's what she got for befriending a spy.

 

Oh, he was going to get it for this.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian was in the middle of his regular morning workout with Rostok when Jyn stormed into the fitness center. Immediately her eyes zeroed in on him, and she stomped toward him.

 

What was it, this time? He thought things went so well last night.

 

Jyn reached him and wagged a finger in his face. “You lying bantha-ass! You knew full well what kriffing _ring my bell_ meant, didn't you?”

 

Oh. That.

 

His jaw dropped. He'd been too embarrassed to tell her the truth after she'd had so much fun singing along. “You didn't actually ask Leia, did you?”

 

“Yes. I did.” Her sentences were clipped and sharp. “Just now. In the corridor. In front of two of her aides. Both of whom looked ready to murder me, by the way.”

 

Laughter escaped his mouth before he could stop it. He could picture it all now. And Leia's aides were notorious uptight snobs. “I didn't think you'd actually ask her.”

 

Jyn pouted and put her hands on her hips. “Well I did. And she answered – complete with hand gestures.”

 

“She didn't,” interjected Rostok, while Cassian's laughs grew harder. He couldn't believe she'd actually done it.

 

“She did,” said Jyn with a stern glare on her face. “Thanks for that.”

 

Cassian fought to calm his laughter. “Sorry. I just really didn't think you'd ask her.”

 

“You should know me better than that by now.” She folded her arms across her chest, looking genuinely put out.

 

“You're right. I should. I'm sorry. I never should have told you to ask Leia. I apologize.”

 

She held his gaze for a moment before her stance softened. “Okay, then. You're forgiven.”

 

He smiled up at her. “Thank you.”

 

She smiled back, and then shifted to another glare, and wagged her finger again. “But I _will_ find a way to get back at you.”

 

“I look forward to it.”

 

She nodded, and then turned to walk toward the sparring ring to look for some pick-up fights. He let his eyes follow her as she pulled off her light jacket to reveal the form-fitting tank top beneath. He loved the lean, toned curves of her body, and even more, he loved watching her fight. In the ring she was fearless and indomitable.

 

She'd been a force to be reckoned with from the time they first met, but now, with regular training and practice, there was also a grace and power to her fighting that always set his heart racing.

 

Beside him, Rostok shook his head. “Can I speak frankly, Major?”

 

“Sure,” said Cassian absently as he watched her step into the ring with an opponent.

 

“Why haven't you got your act together with her, yet?”

 

Cassian darted his gaze to Rostok, startled by the unexpected question. “I – well – I don't... It's just complicated.”

 

Rostok shook his head. “I suggest you uncomplicate it. As fucking soon as you can.”  
  


Cassian couldn't deny that he'd spent a good part of last night thinking about how easy it would be to move from the chair to sit beside Jyn on the bed, and then to wrap his arm around her waist and hold her close for the first time since those early days on Yavin.

 

At times he wondered if it might be time to try again. If Jyn even wanted him to – he wasn't sure about that, anymore.

 

“I don't know.” He shook his head.

 

Rostok huffed. “You and me both know that a new home base is gonna come online soon. And when it does, new assignments are gonna come down the pipe, and special ops is gonna sweep in and snap her up, and just like that, you'll never see her again. If I had another shot at what you've got...” He shook his head and frowned. “Time is precious, Major. Never know how much you're gonna have. You need to get your fucking act together. No offense, sir.”

 

Cassian managed a smile and shook his head. “None taken.” He sighed. Rostok was right. New assignments would come before they knew it.

 

But if he tried, again, only for the special ops divisions to take her away from him... Would that be better or worse than never trying at all? He didn't know the answer to that question. But he'd need to make a decision – sooner rather than later.

 

 

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to write faster, but it's not always working. Fingers crossed that I can update again, soon. And as to the quote, this seemed like the perfect chapter to introduce with a quote about a man striving to fit in with a new group of friends, given that this is the first big community of friends that most of these characters have had in a long time.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The struggle to reshape their identities comes to a head for all the survivors of Scarif as they face the choices that will determine their futures in the Rebellion. Bodhi wrestles with a new problem regarding his friendship with Tehma. Jyn and Cassian finally confront the truth about their feelings for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a month since I updated, so I'm back with a super long chapter to make up for it. Clearly I can make no realistic promises regarding the frequency of future updates. Just know that I'm doing my best. Thanks for sticking with me.

> “What are you waiting for?/What do you stall for?/We won the [battle]./What was it all for?”
> 
> _Non-Stop,_ Lin Manuel Miranda's _Hamilton_

 

 

“It's so exhausting some days.” Leia shook her head, staring absently in front of her. “I thought I'd have years to keeping learning this political game from my father, and yet here I am, at the center of it all, faking my way through and hoping no one calls me out on it.” She swirled her drink in her glass. Her plate of food sat half-eaten in front of her.

 

Bodhi nodded and took a sip of his own drink. Leia had started having him over to her private office for dinner once a week as soon as they were both stationed on Home One, and he was grateful for it. Though she was in a position of much greater responsibility than him, they'd both lost loved ones, and both been thrust into stations of leadership that they hadn't been prepared for. It was nice to have someone to vent to. “I know what you mean. I got another message from General Josten today, saying that the compliment of Jedhans now serving in Fleet Support Services is up to one hundred-seventeen. Add that to the sixty-eight we've now got aboard, and that gives us nearly two hundred Jedhan survivors that, for some reason, I'm supposed to be in charge of. I'm getting messages from people I've never even heard of, let alone met, thanking me, and asking for my prayers on their behalf. Like somehow my prayers will be better than their own.” He shook his head. He hadn't asked for any of this. He really hadn't. “And on top of it all, even though he doesn't talk about it anymore, I know Tehma is still serious about this _founding a new religious order_ plan of his.”

 

“He is.” Leia said. “He was in the chancellor's office a few days ago talking to one of her staff about what rights and protections his religious order could get if he got an official government charter from the Alliance.”

 

Bodhi blinked. “He was? He's really taking that step?”

 

Leia nodded and drained her glass. “He is. I guess he got tired of waiting for you to catch up with him. I think the legal department is drafting papers for him.”

 

Bodhi sank back in his chair, unsure what to make of this development. The Force had chosen both of them for this task. Bodhi didn't feel ready to take the step of actually founding a religious order, but if he didn't step up to help Tehma with the task, would it fail? Or would the Force find someone else to take Bodhi's place? If it did, he wasn't sure if he'd be happy or if he'd mourn the chance he'd given up.

 

“Are the two of you okay? Other than your disagreement about the official religion thing?” Leia asked, her eyes narrowing.

 

Bodhi shrugged. “We haven't fought or anything. Our study sessions and the prayer meetings are still going well. Why?”

 

“So Tehma hasn't said anything to you, yet?” Leia asked.

 

“Said anything about what?”

 

Leia's lips thinned as she gave him a hard look. “That's what I was afraid of.”

 

Bodhi scrunched his forehead and held his hands out in frustrated questioning. “What?”

 

Leia leaned forward and shook her head. “I shouldn't be the one to tell you this, but the work you and Tehma are doing is too important to let it all fall apart over some romantic mishaps.”

 

“What romance?” Bodhi normally enjoyed his visits with Leia, but right now he felt ready to pound his head on the table a few times.

 

Leia held his gaze with a steady look. “Tehma is in love with you. And clearly you don't reciprocate his feelings. So you need to find a way to let him down easy without ruining the work you're doing together.”

 

Bodhi's jaw dropped and he sat in stunned silence. Leia sighed and leaned back, folding her arms across her chest.

 

“I-in love with me?” Bodhi could hardly wrap his head around it. “You can't be serious.”

 

“He shows all the signs,” Leia replied. “Hanging on your every word whenever you speak, gazing at you with adoration whether you're looking at him or not, talking about you constantly when you're not around, offering you small moments of casual physical affection. He's obviously smitten with you.”

 

Bodhi's chest tightened as she spoke. He remembered what it was like to be eighteen—what it was like to be infatuated with someone. How had he missed it?

 

“B-but, he's had a girlfriend,” he stammered, trying to convince himself that Leia was wrong.

 

She arched a brow at him. “You've been with bisexual men before.”

 

Very true. “He's too young for me.”

 

Now both her brows were raised. “That same argument didn't stop _you_ from having an affair with an older man.”

 

Bodhi's head was spinning. So many of the things Tehma had said or done over the past two months now seemed colored in a different light. Nothing had changed, but everything was different. After a few moments of frantic thoughts, Bodhi replied. “I don't feel the same. I care about him. Very much. But I'm not ready to look for a romantic relationship right now. It hadn't even occurred to me.” He met Leia's gaze, imploring her. “I don't know what to do. What do I do?”

 

Leia's expression softened and she leaned toward him. “I'm only nineteen. I don't have any more experience with this sort of thing than Tehma does. All I know is what I see, and I've seen that he is completely besotted with you. I've _also_ seen that the community of faith that you're building is exactly what the Rebellion needs right now. You're living proof of what makes this war worth fighting. And having it all fall apart over a broken heart would be a devastating blow not only to the Jedhan community, but also to everyone else you've inspired. Which, frankly, is most of the Alliance.”

 

Bodhi swallowed a hard knot of fear in his throat.

 

He hadn't asked for this. He hadn't asked for any of it. “I have to find a way to talk to him,” he said softly, resigning himself to the fact.

 

“I'm sorry,” Leia said, compassion in her voice.

 

“It's okay. You're right. I needed to know. I'll—I'll sort it out somehow.”

 

In spite of his assertion, ten minutes later when he left her office, he felt as clueless and lost as he ever had. He couldn't lose Tehma. They were family, now. But he had to break the boy's heart, and he might crush a little of his own in the process.

 

He was so lost in thought that he didn't notice Han Solo stride up beside him until the man spoke.

 

“Hey, buddy. How you doing?” Solo said.

 

Bodhi jumped slightly, caught off guard. “Umm... good, I guess.” This was the first time Solo had spoken directly to him since the long ago rebel party on Yavin, and Bodhi couldn't fathom why the man had sought him out now.

 

“Sooo,” Solo drawled, “couldn't help but notice that you and the princess have gotten pretty close. She really seems to like you.”

 

Bodhi blinked a few times. “Uh, we're friends, yeah.”

 

“Just friends?” Solo prodded. “Anything else going on? If so, you are one lucky man.”

 

Bodhi stopped short, and Solo took another few steps before halting to look back at him. The man shrugged. “Don't look so nervous, kid. I don't hold it against you.” But his tone sounded as if he was trying very hard not to let a potential romantic entanglement between Bodhi and Leia bother him.

 

Why, on today of all days, did Solo decide to accost him about his love life? It was too much. In a fit of rising anger, Bodhi took two steps closer and glared at him. “Not that it's any of your kriffing business, but I happen to be gay. And as a friend of the princess, I know she wouldn't like you prying into her private affairs. So do yourself a favor, and bugger off!”

 

As if none of Bodhi's other words had penetrated his thick skull, Solo raised his brows and said, “And she knows you're gay?”

 

“Yes!” Bodhi shook his head and flung his hands wide in exasperation.

 

Solo grinned. “Okay, then. Huh. Just wondering—” Solo leaned a little closer. “Does she ever talk about me?”

 

The nerve of that man. “Only to complain about you,” Bodhi bit back.

 

Solo continued to grin. “At least she's thinking about me. Thanks, pal. Good talk.” He gave Bodhi a rough pat on the back and strode away, lost in his own world.

 

Bodhi grit his teeth and shook his head. Leia wasn't the only one to notice the infatuations of others. Bodhi had seen her giving Solo quite a few lingering glances over the months they'd been aboard ship together, and he had no idea what she saw in the man. But, at least in her case, the infatuation was reciprocated.

 

The absurdity of it only made his own situation feel all the more hopeless. He had no idea how to shut down Tehma's feelings without destroying their friendship.

 

Maybe he'd get lucky and Chirrut would pop up to help him work through it. He hadn't been visited by his one-time guide in weeks.

 

Time to pray a little harder, and hope for a miracle.

 

~ ~ ~

 

For a week, Rostok's prodding about the need to sort out his relationship with Jyn had been festering in Cassian's mind. Every time they were together he thought about ways to turn the conversation to that more serious topic, but every time he held back. She'd proven that she didn't care about his disability—at least not within the context of their friendship. But had her feelings for him changed since Yavin? Back then he'd told her not to wait for him, and he'd meant it. And though he'd seen no signs that she'd taken a romantic interest in anyone else, that didn't mean she still had feelings for _him._

 

What if he told her he wanted to try again, and she'd changed her mind? Or what if she was ready for a shot at a relationship? He wasn't sure how to handle either situation. And, he reluctantly admitted to himself, he was terrified to find out one way or another.

 

During his regular office hours after lunch, while reviewing test scores and performance evaluations, Commander Harra strode over from her desk several rows over in the crowded Admin room. She leaned toward him. “Have you heard the news?”

 

“What news?” he asked. Nearly fifty officers worked in the Admin room, and the place was always buzzing with gossip and rumors. He usually ignored them.

 

“The new central base is ready for occupation. The council and most of the Admin team will be transferred planet-side in the next few weeks. I just found out this morning.”

 

Cassian restrained himself from betraying his surprise. He'd gotten complacent. He'd taken his position here for granted. And now it was happening—exactly what Rostok had warned. He'd be sent to the new central base, and Jyn would be transferred to a special ops unit out there in the galaxy, and that would be that.

 

He took a deep breath to fight down the sudden ache in his chest. “When is the formal announcement coming?”

 

“Probably by the end of the day,” Harra replied. “Then we'll be stuck figuring out new postings for all these Jedhans. But from what I hear, General Josten is eager to take most of them on. You'll probably be hearing from him, soon.”

 

That, at least, provided a small comfort. Bodhi and Tehma and their little flock of followers would probably be able to stay together. It would be good to know that they were safe and together to continue building their new Jedha. A part of him was tempted to request a continued posting with them. But that would be selfish. He was still trained and experienced in intelligence. That was probably where he'd end up.

 

“Thanks for the heads up,” he said.

 

“No problem,” replied Harra, before ambling back to her desk.

 

The news swelled like a cancer in his mind for the next few hours, distracting him from all his duties. Both Rostok and Jyn commented on his distant behavior at dinner, and he did his best to shrug it off. Until the formal announcement came through, there was no sense in getting them anxious about it.

 

That night, as had become his habit, he accompanied Jyn and Rostok to the prayer meeting, sitting in the back between the two of them on one of the crates still lining the wall.

 

The prayer was short, that night, and Cassian couldn't help but think Bodhi looked as tormented as he felt, though he had no idea what was troubling his friend. Regardless, the usual calm and peace that he felt during the prayer session escaped his grasp.

 

A cultural program was scheduled for that night, but, unusually, Leia walked to the central platform to face the assembled crowd, a smile on her face. “Before we turn the evening over to the wonderful musicians and singers who will be performing tonight, I wanted to be the first to share some exciting news. Starting next week, the Alliance's new central base will be ready for habitation. Over the course of the next month, most of us will be getting new postings. But, thanks to General Josten of Fleet Support Services, most of you will be able to remain in frequent contact, and have access to a regular gathering of the Jedhan community. We of the Council will see to it that the community you've built here will continue to grow and thrive—you have my personal promise. But, though you will still be in a wider community, some of you will no longer see your dear friends on a daily basis. So I hope we can take tonight, and every night until we part, as a celebration of our survival and our community. Rejoice in the love and unity we've found together. I want you to know that this community represents the best ideals of the Alliance, and we will fight until our last breath to preserve what you've begun here in this cargo room. Thank you all.” Leia inclined her head toward the gathering. A series of shocked gasps was soon followed by a round of applause. “Now lets have some music!” Leia called, stepping aside for the performers.

 

Even as guitars and drums joined in a rousing song, Cassian heard Jyn's low murmur. “You knew, didn't you? You've been out of sorts most of the day.”

 

Cassian sighed. “I found out just after lunch.”

 

Jyn was biting down on her bottom lip, and her eyes looked wet with emotion. “What about you? Where will you be sent?”

 

“I don't know,” he admitted. “But Dr. Garra told me that as soon as the new base was ready, she'd clear me for full-time duty. It was only a matter of time.” A lump rose in his throat as he spoke.

 

“So that's it, then,” Rostok grumbled from his other side. “The family's getting split up.”

 

“We don't know that, yet,” Cassian interjected.

 

“What are the odds they keep us all together?” Rostok replied.

 

Cassian clenched his teeth, and Jyn answered for him. “They're not good, are they?”

 

“No,” he admitted, staring blankly at the performers at the front of the room. “They aren't.”

 

They fell silent as the music played on, and Cassian could see other clusters of friends around the room having huddled conversations and embracing each other.

 

Soon, all this would be over. Just when it had started to feel like home.

 

The next song was a slow, melancholic ballad. Without thought, Cassian reached out to lay his hand on top of Jyn's, where she clutched at the edge of the crate.

 

She turned her head sharply to stare down at the touch.

 

“I'm sorry,” he murmured, and pulled his hand back.

 

“No,” she growled. In a flash she grabbed his hands and wove her fingers through his, then held their twined hands tight against her thigh. She held his gaze with fiery eyes, as if daring him to pull away.

 

He didn't.

 

What it all meant, he couldn't say. But it had been so long since they touched like this—it felt like a finding a spring of fresh water in the middle of a desert.

 

The music played on longer than usual, with some people even standing up to dance with friends and lovers. Just as Leia had suggested, they were celebrating their community before it changed.

 

When the final song came to and end, a loud sniff beside him caught Cassian's attention. He turned to see Rostok looking down, tears in his eyes. The man quickly wiped them away, but there was no hiding the pain on his face.

 

As much as Cassian longed to find a private moment with Jyn, she wasn't the one who most needed him, right now. He gave her hand a squeeze, catching her eyes, and nodded at her, before gesturing subtly toward Rostok. He hoped she understood.

 

“Hey, Serchill—how about we go have a few a few drinks together. A toast to the family, yeah?” Jyn said.

 

Cassian smiled. She always came through for family, didn't she?

 

Rostok nodded. “Sure, Sarge. I could really use a drink right now.”

 

They ended up spending the next half hour in the small ship cantina, downing shots until Serchill finally seemed to relax. Cassian only had two shots, and felt only slightly buzzed when Rostok's head began to nod with sleepiness.

 

He said goodnight to them as Jyn helped guide Rostok back toward their bunk room. Cassian sighed.

 

He needed to talk to her. Alone. As soon as possible.

 

~ ~ ~

 

For once, Jyn wished it wasn't her day off. She couldn't stop thinking about Cassian. And her other friends. And Leia's bloody announcement.

 

These people were the closest thing to family that Jyn had found since her mother's death. Even Saw and his soldiers never really felt like family, though she'd tried to convince herself they had. Now, she knew the difference.

 

If she had to, she could pull out her winning card of the right to turn down unwanted assignments and negotiate her way into a post that kept her near most of her dearest new friends. But not all of them.

 

She might have to choose—Bodhi, Tehma and the Jedhans, or Cassian. The chances of keeping both in her life were slim.

 

She lay in bed late into the morning, and nearly brought herself to tears thinking of it.

 

Back on Yavin, her path had seemed so straight and clear. Nothing was clear anymore.

 

Eventually she dragged herself out of bed and went to the fitness center for a long run on the treadmill before hitting the showers. She'd skipped breakfast, and by the time she made it to her regular lunch with Veera, she was starving.

 

Veera raised an eyebrow at how fast Jyn was wolfing down her bland rations. Jyn just shrugged. “I'm hungry,” she said, feeling no need to elaborate.

 

Of course, after some more casual chit chat, Veera turned the subject to the coming re-assignments. “Do you think you'll stay with the Jedhans?”

 

Jyn shook her head, suddenly losing the rest of her appetite. “I have no idea. Been thinking about it all morning. If I decide to be a stubborn bitch about it, I could probably manage staying with the Jedhans, or staying with Cassian. But I doubt he'll be kept with the Jedhans.” She shook her head.

 

Veera tilted her head and held Jyn's gaze. “Which would you choose?”

 

_Cassian_ was on the tip of her tongue without even thinking about it, but Jyn bit back the word, and the same sick confusion that had been plaguing her all morning returned. “I don't know if I can live like this anymore,” she murmured.

 

“Like what?”

 

“Like...” Jyn fumbled to articulate her thoughts. Feelings that had been hiding deep inside had all burst to the surface with Leia's announcement. Now was the time to make decisions, and she couldn't hide from herself anymore. “I can't just carry on as if we're nothing more than friends.” She didn't need to clarify who the other half of “we” was. “I want more than that. I've been trying so hard not to make it an issue. He said he needed time, and I've given him time. But I want more, and it hurts not knowing if this is ever going to happen.” The words streamed out of her as soon as she thought them. She'd fought so hard over the past months to contain these feelings—to keep them bottled up tight. She'd hardly allowed herself to acknowledge them at all. But today they wouldn't be held in.

 

Veera reached out to take her hand, offering a sympathetic smile. “I've been wondering when you'd reach this point. I've seen how hard this has been on you.”

 

“I—I can't just choose to follow him, not knowing. I can't.” Jyn shook her head. “Some days I think he still has feelings for me, but other days I just don't know. I can't follow him from assignment to assignment, pining and hoping. I can't keep living like that.”

 

“Oh, sweetie, you haven't been pining. I've seen pining. I know pining.”

 

Jyn blinked rapidly to stave back the tears welling in her eyes. “But I have been. I haven't stopped wanting him. Not once. Not even when he was being a stubborn ass and driving me out of my mind. But I can't keep this up. It's going to burn me up from the inside out. He's one of my best friends, and I don't want to lose him, but it hurts. Every time he pulls away from me—every time I think he's flirting and then he switches back to nothing but business, it hurts. I've tried so hard to ignore it, but I can't anymore. Not when it matters so much. Not when my entire future is at stake.”

 

Veera squeezed her hand, and Jyn squeezed back, and took a few deep breaths to calm herself. She hadn't meant to overflow like this. She didn't like talking about these feelings—it only seemed to make it hurt worse.

 

Veera nodded solemnly. “Jyn, whether you like it or not, there's only one thing you can do, here. You have to tell him how you feel.”

 

The words dropped like a rock in Jyn's gut, and fears she hadn't even recognized before that moment flew to the forefront of her mind. “What if he's changed his mind?” she murmured. “What if he's decided that friendship is all he wants?”

 

Veera took a deep breath. “First, I've seen the way he looks at you. You are still the only person he jokes and teases with on a regular basis. You're the only person who makes him truly happy. I happen to be convinced that if you spur him to action, he'll be ready to jump into a relationship with you in an instant. But if he doesn't,” she added, cutting off Jyn's protest, “then you will tell him you need some space, and you will hurt for awhile, but you'll keep going because that's who you are. You don't let anything bring you down.”

 

It would hurt. It would hurt like fucking hell. But Veera was right—she'd find a way to keep going. She always had before.

 

Trying to pull on the thread of optimism that Veera had offered her, Jyn said, “You really think he just needs a push to act? That he might be ready?”

 

“I do,” Veera replied, smiling. “For crying out loud, the two of you are basically dating already. You spend most of your free time together. You eat most of your meals together. Whenever you have something you want to talk about, you both talk about it with each other before turning to anyone else. I even caught a glimpse of you holding hands, last night. You're doing everything I do with Mahir, aside from the obvious.”

 

Jyn raised her brows and nodded. “We are most certainly not doing that bit. I wouldn't need to burn off so much energy on the treadmill if we were.”

 

Veera laughed and squeezed her hand again. “You can do this, Jyn. Don't back down. Just get him alone, and tell him the truth. It'll be worth it. Trust me.”

 

Jyn nodded slowly and took another deep breath. “Okay. Yes. You're right. I'll do it.”

 

With the fresh resolve in her heart, Jyn decided to confront Cassian as soon as possible. The longer she had to wait, the harder this would get. She needed to get it over with.

 

But finding a chance was easier said than done.

 

~ ~ ~

 

“You're sure Josten will let us stay together?” Tehma repeated for what must be the tenth time as Bodhi sat beside him in the hangar after their latest flight class.

 

“Yes. I told you, we're going to spread the Jedhans across two bases and several transport ships, all in the same sector. You and I will be on the bigger base so we can set up a situation like the one we have here on Home One.” Bodhi had only gotten the message from Josten a few hours earlier, but it had done little to ease Tehma's fears. And, though he'd been struggling to find the right moment since his conversation with Leia three days ago, he still hadn't found the right way to begin the difficult but necessary conversation about their relationship, nor had Chirrut appeared to offer any guidance.

 

Bodhi was on his own for this task, and it was eating him up inside.

 

“But he didn't use my name. I saw it. He didn't use my name,” Tehma countered.

 

Bodhi sighed. “He said, _You and your partner in this enterprise will both be joining me._ That's how he always refers to you in his messages. Trust me. We'll be together.”

 

Tehma nodded, but looked unconvinced. “I just...I don't think I could take it if we were separated, Bodhi. You don't know what it's meant to me, having you in my life.” Tehma held his gaze and edged toward him, resting a hand on his knee.

 

Bodhi's heart dropped in his chest. Tehma had made similar gestures dozens of times before, but now it seemed so different.

 

Tehma parted his lips silently for a moment, as if struggling to find the words. Fuck. Was he about to make some sort of romantic confession? Bodhi's mind started spinning, searching for a way to head this off.

 

“Bodhi, I just... My life has changed so much since I met you, and I need to—”

 

“Wait. I-I-just wait,” Bodhi interjected frantically.

 

Tehma blinked and pulled back. “What's wrong?”

 

Bodhi laughed nervously. He still had no fucking clue how to do this. “Where to start? Umm... I...”

 

Suddenly the familiar clump and shuffle of Rostok walking with his cane interrupted Bodhi's thoughts, and he turned to see the older soldier approaching them. Rostok smiled and nodded. “Glad I found you boys.”

 

Bodhi noticed a brief frown cross over Tehma's face before he turned to smile in welcome at their friend. “Hey, Serchill. What's up?”

 

Rostok came to a halt in front of them. “I was hoping for a minute to talk you two without everyone in the barracks listening in.”

 

Bodhi rose to his feet, and Tehma followed suit. “What is it?” Bodhi asked.

 

Rostok looked down and shook his head. “I don't know how much longer we'll be together before they transfer us out, y'know.”

 

“You might end up with us in F.S.S.,” Tehma said.

 

Rostok shrugged. “Dunno. But just in case, I wanted to say something.” He met both their eyes in turn. “You know I'm no fucking good with words. But you boys—you and your faith is all that's kept me going, some days. I don't think there's a damn thing in this whole kriffing galaxy as important as what you kids are doing. It's meant the world to me. Don't think I'd still be here without it. I just wanted you to know that, in case, you know.” He looked down again, nodding.

 

Rostok had had it the hardest of all of them, since Scarif. Bodhi couldn't deny that. Even now he could see the ever-present pain etched in the man's features. He reached out to squeeze Rostok's arm. “Hey—you mean a lot to us, too. You've been like a big brother to both of us. We're lucky to have you, and I'll be praying that they keep us posted together.”

 

“Ah.” Rostok waved a hand dismissively and huffed.

 

“He's right, Serchill. We wouldn't be here without you, either. We're in this together. We're family,” Tehma said.

 

Rostok huffed again. “Thanks. Promise me you boys'll take care of each other, okay?”

 

The look in his eyes was serious. He hadn't been able to take care of his own boy—this must be his way of making up for that. “I promise,” Bodhi said softly.

 

Tehma nodded. “We both promise.”

 

Rostok managed a smile, and sniffed loudly. “Well, fuck. Now I'm getting all emotional. This is why I didn't want to do this in the barracks.”

 

Bodhi smiled. “Thanks for this. Really. But I haven't given up on us staying together, yet.”

 

Rostok nodded silently.

 

“You want company on the walk to the fitness center? That's where you're headed, right?” Bodhi asked. He told himself it was to help Rostok at a moment when he was clearly emotionally vulnerable, but inside he knew it was just another excuse to delay a difficult conversation with Tehma.

 

“Sure, kid. I'd like that,” Rostok said.

 

Tehma squeezed his lips together and nodded. “I guess I'd better get to my maintenance shift. See you guys tonight.”

 

As Bodhi walked with Rostok, he asked, “Hey, you want to join me and Tehma for our study session before the prayer meeting tonight? We'd love to have you.”

 

Serchill smiled broader than Bodhi had seen in days. “Yeah. I'd like that.”

 

Bodhi tried to be happy about helping his friend, but inside he felt like a coward, using Rostok as a shield against facing his issues with Tehma.

 

One way or another, he'd have to resolve this.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn had been searching for a chance to confront Cassian about her feelings for more than a day, and luck had not been on her side. Between the extra work he was taking on to prep for the wave of new assignments and the extra studying she had to do to prep for the final exam in her rules-and-procedures course, there hadn't been a single moment to be alone with him, yet.

 

When she finally completed her exam (getting a less-than-perfect but well-above-failing score), she headed to the mess for dinner, and to seek Cassian out. Naturally, he was nowhere to be seen.

 

After getting her meal tray, she spotted her team-teacher, Sorhi Tath, and took a seat across from him. “How's it going, Tath?”

 

“Not bad. Been spending a lot of time trying to figure out what a special forces veteran like me might be assigned to in Support Services. Haven't managed to figure out an answer, yet.”

 

Jyn swallowed the bite in her mouth and nodded. “I know the feeling. I feel like everyone is on edge. None of us really know what's coming next.”

 

“Well, you have a better idea than the rest of us,” he replied. “You finish that exam, today?”

 

“Yes, thank the Force. I hope I never have to do that again.”

 

Tath shrugged. “Then you're all set to go. They'll let you finish your second level flight training once you join up.”

 

Jyn felt as if there was some crucial component of this conversation that she had somehow missed. “Join up with what?”

 

Tath wore a perplexed look on his face. “With one of the special forces units. That's what you've been prepping for, right?”

 

Jyn's mouth hung open. “Uh, why would you think that?”

 

He held up his hand, ticking off fingers as he spoke. “Basic flight training, rules and procedures training, and brushing up on leadership skills as a teacher. You already have the combat and weapons experience. All of those are the prerequisites for entry to special forces. I thought you were doing this on purpose. Weren't you?”

 

Jyn felt as if she'd been kicked in the stomach. “No. I had no kriffing idea. I just took the assignments they gave me, and never gave it a second thought.” The assignments that _Cassian_ had helped plan. And he sure as hell would have known he was handing her special forces prep.

 

This whole time, he was training her to send her away.

 

Her throat closed up. She couldn't meet Tath's eyes. This whole bloody time, Cassian had been expecting to part ways with her.

 

So much for Veera's optimism.

 

“Jyn—you okay?” Tath asked, lowering his voice.

 

“Not really.” She stared down at her plate, trying to pinpoint exactly how long Cassian had slowly but surely been saying goodbye to her.

 

Tath, his voice still low, asked, “Is this about getting assigned away from Major Andor?”

 

She wanted a hole in space to open up and suck her in. “Great. It's so wonderful to know, on top of everything else, how kriffing obvious I must've been. I feel like a fucking idiot.”

 

Tath's eyes narrowed. “So this whole time, your boyfriend never once told you that your assignments were special forces prep?”

 

Jyn slammed her palms down on the table. “He's not my kriffing boyfriend! That's the problem!”

 

Tath stared at her, bewildered. “He's not? But I thought you've been together since right before we evacuated Yavin? You're seriously not together?”

 

Jyn rubbed her hands over her face, not knowing if the urge to disappear or the urge to hit someone would win out. “Holy fucking hell. I can't do this right now. Sorry, Sorhi. I need to go.”

 

Without waiting for a reply, she stood and speed walked away from him, away from the mess, and away from the pain and humiliation that dragged on her like quicksand.

 

At first she headed toward her bunk room, but then stopped short. No. People would be there. People who wanted to talk to her.

 

Fuck it. She needed this to be done. And there was only one way to end it.

 

She turned and headed for the Admin offices.

 

She and Cassian needed to have a conversation.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian had worked through the dinner hour, making due with a ration bar at his desk. Getting all the crew evaluations done prior to making the new assignments was going to take a lot of effort, and this time he had to do most of it without Commander Harra's help.

 

He was just finishing up his final evaluation of the day and shutting down his computer station when he caught the unexpected sight of Jyn striding toward him. This was the first time she'd visited him in the Admin office.

 

She didn't look happy.

 

“Hi,” he said as she approached. “I was just getting ready to head to the prayer meeting. Did you want to go together?” He had a feeling that something serious was on her mind, but hoped the atmosphere of the meeting could help diffuse whatever was upsetting her.

 

She shook her head. “No. We need to talk, Cassian.”

 

Oh.

 

He tried to pull himself together, bracing for whatever she might have to say—whether it be good, bad, or heartbreaking. “Okay. What did you want to talk about?”

 

She squeezed her lips together and glanced around the office. Only a handful of the desks were still occupied, but clearly too many for her liking.

 

“There's an empty meeting room over there if you want,” he said, gesturing to the nearest wall.

 

She nodded.

 

He grabbed his crutches and rose to his feet, leading her toward the meeting room at a pace that would have made him proud under any other circumstance. At that moment, however, it felt unbearably slow. Jyn followed him into the room and closed the door behind them.

 

His anxiety swelled. So. This was going to be a conversation that she absolutely didn't want anyone else to hear.

 

He tried to brace himself for the worst.

 

Stars and heavens he should have tried to work things out with her weeks ago. He'd been such an idiot. And now he was going to pay for it.

 

He leaned against the edge of a table and watched as she shifted restlessly on her feet near the door. “What's on your mind?”

 

She frowned, pain evident in her eyes. After a moment of silence that seemed to stretch forever, she said, “When were you planning to tell me that you were prepping me for a special forces assignment?”

 

Fuck.

 

He swallowed. “You... uh...”

 

She took a step toward him, her fists clenched, her eyes blazing. “Yes. I finally figured it out. No thanks to you.”

 

He should have told her weeks ago. Why didn't he tell her? Why was he so good at hurting her? “Jyn...”

 

“No. Don't try to pacify me, Cassian. Just admit it. You've been planning a way to ship me out to the battle zone for months. This whole act of being my friend was just your way of saying good-bye.”

 

“No!” He stood up, bracing on his crutches to lean toward her. “It was never an act, Jyn. I promise you that. And I never intended to send you to the battlefield unless that's what you wanted to do. That's another promise.” He'd really fucked up this time, but it wasn't too late to salvage something of this relationship. Suddenly having the conversation that had so terrified him wasn't even half as frightening as the the thought of losing her completely due to his own stunted ability to manage relationships.

 

She shook her head, and he thought he glimpsed tears glistening in her eyes. “I have trouble believing that.”

 

“It's the truth,” he replied, doing his best to sound calm and rational, in spite of his racing heart. “I didn't assign you to special forces prep to get rid of you. I did it because that's what you're good at. And I thought...” He shook his head at his own stupidity. “I thought you'd get tired of boring ship-service. I thought you'd eventually want to get back in the fight more directly.”

 

“You thought I'd care more about killing stormtroopers than I would about being with my family? Than supporting a cause I believe in more than I've ever believed in anything?” Her voice shook.

 

“I was wrong. I had a feeling I was wrong the first time we went to prayer meeting together and I saw how comfortable and happy you looked. But you were already into your assignment by then. Maybe I should have told you right then—”

 

“Yes!” she barked. “You should have. But you were still too busy wallowing in self-pity to think about anyone's feelings but your own.”

 

He grit his teeth and looked away. “Maybe you're right. It's taken me far too long to pull myself back together.” He had to find a way to make things right. He raised his eyes to meet hers. “I'm sorry, Jyn. Sorry about everything. About all the times I've locked you out and pushed you away. Sorry about all the times I was too selfish to see beyond my own needs. I am really, truly, sorry.”

 

She rocked on her heels and blinked back the moisture in her eyes. “Why do we keep doing this? Hiding from each other, and making assumptions, and keeping our thoughts to ourselves. Why can't we just talk to each other?”

 

Cassian sighed. She was right. And they couldn't go on like this. It wasn't good for either of them. “I don't know. I really don't. Some days I don't know why you put up with my shit.”

 

She clenched her jaw. “You certainly haven't made it easy.”

 

“No. I haven't.” He sank back against the edge of the table, again. “I'm horrible at relationships. I always have been.”

 

“Is that what this is, Cassian?” Jyn asked, her expression softening. “Are we in a relationship?”

 

Cassian bit down on his tongue. Fuck. He hadn't meant for it to come out like that.

 

Jyn continued. “When I was talking to Tath today, he called you my boyfriend. He thought we'd been together this whole time.”

 

Cassian's brows rose. People thought that? Really?

 

“And Veera,” said Jyn, “told me that you and I are doing all the same things together that she and Mahir do, aside from the obvious. So why aren't we? Why aren't we in a relationship?”

 

He opened his mouth, floundering for an answer. He shook his head. “Jyn... I don't know what to say.”

 

She sighed. “That's always the problem, isn't it? For both of us.”

 

She strode over and sat on the edge of the table beside him, her shoulders slumped. On impulse, he took her hand. She didn't pull away.

 

He'd take that as a good sign.

 

“Jyn, I want things to be right between us. But even more than that, I want you to happy. I want that more than I want anything else. What would make you happy, Jyn?” He'd given up on trying to figure this out on his own. He needed to stop trusting his own instincts. When it came to Jyn, those instincts had been wrong far too often. It was time to simply trust _her_.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn squeezed Cassian's hand, and nibbled on the inside of her bottom lip. How had things come to this? Why had they both spent so much time pretending to be nothing more than friends, when everyone around them could tell it was something more. They'd been hiding from themselves as much as from each other, and she was so, so tired.

 

What would make her happy? The list was long, but there were very few items on it that she felt certain of. Happiness had eluded her for so many years that it was hard to pinpoint the correct answer.

 

But there was one thing that had made her happy, not so long ago. And she wanted it back.

 

“I want for us to trust each other, again. I'm tired of biting back my words around you, and hiding my feelings. Aren't you tired of doing the same?”

 

Cassian let out a long breath and leaned against her. “Yes. I am.”

 

Force, it felt good to touch him again. Like she'd found her footing after stumbling down a long path. She rested her head on his shoulder and let herself enjoy the sensation in silence for a few moments. But they needed more than silence.

 

“If we're going to trust each other again,” she said, “like we did back on Jedha and Scarif, then we need to be able to tell each things even when we're afraid to say them.”

 

“What are you afraid to say, Jyn?” He held her hand a little tighter, as if afraid she'd pull away.

 

_That I haven't stopped wanting you. That I care far more about Bodhi's community of Jedhans than I do about the Rebellion itself. That I'm still afraid to ask Bodhi about my father. That I never want to have to kill in battle again, if I can avoid it._

 

The thoughts rushed into her mind in such a swift stream that she had trouble choosing just one. Finally, she settled on a place to start. “Do you remember the Guardian, Chirrut Imwe?”

 

“Of course I do. How could I forget him?”

 

She took a deep breath. “His ghost has visited me a few times. He was with us on Yavin, after we got back. We've had a few good conversations.”

 

Immediately Cassian pulled back from her, turning to stare down at her with confusion on his face. “I don't understand. You mean you—you dreamed about him, or imagined him?”

 

Jyn's chest tightened. Her instincts had always told her not to share this with Cassian. This was why. “No, Cassian. It wasn't a dream. It wasn't my imagination. I'm saying that his spirit lived on after Scarif, and, in the middle of the day, while I was completely awake, he visited me. Several times. And we spoke to each other.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

Cassian squeezed Jyn's hand a little harder, as if he could tug her back into reality. Had her experiences over the past half-year traumatized her more than she'd let on? Yet she spoke in a calm, rational voice, as if he was simply supposed to accept that she'd been speaking to a ghost. “I still don't understand.”

 

Jyn squeezed her lips together and looked away. “I'm trying to make things right. You wanted me to speak the truth. That's exactly what I'm trying to do. This is one of the biggest things I've been holding back from you. There are others—plenty of others. Like, the only reason I would ever accept a combat position again would be to avoid following you from posting to posting on the faint hope that someday you'd turn around and realize you wanted to be with me after all.”

 

Pain shot through his heart. “I made you feel like that? Jyn—fuck. I'm so sorry.”

 

“Good. I'm glad you're sorry. Because you told me _maybe someday_ we could be together, and then you spent the next two months sending me so many mixed signals that I never could find a way to just be happy with our friendship. And I'm not afraid to say that, anymore. If I can tell you I talked to a ghost, then I suppose I can say everything else I've been hiding, at the same time.” Her voice took on a sharp edge, and he couldn't tell if it was giddiness or anger, or a strange mix of both.

 

All this time, she'd been struggling with her feelings for him just as much as he'd struggled with his feelings for her. And he'd been too blind to see it. But this whole business about the ghost... What the hell was going on?

 

Before he could speak again, she plunged onward. “And I know you needed time to heal. I understand that. I was willing to wait. I just wish you'd let me be a part of that healing from the start, instead of keeping me at arm's length. I wanted to be a part of it. It wasn't a burden. I've never once thought of you or your injuries as a burden. You were the one who acted like that, and assumed that was what you were. And I wish you would stop making assumptions about what I want out of life. If I say I don't mind taking on a dull administrative job in order to stay with the people I care about, I need you to believe me! You believed me when I said we needed to go to Scarif. You trusted me. You followed me. So believe me now. When I say I don't want to be a soldier again, please believe me. And when I say I've talked to a ghost, I need you to believe that, too. I'm through with lying and hiding. I just need you to believe me.”

 

Cassian's breath shook in his threat as the full weight of all his mistakes settled on his shoulders. He'd been wrong about so many things. How could he ever make things right?

 

Fuck. He was doing it again. Overthinking.

 

In spite of everything he'd done, she still had feelings for him. That was a miracle that he couldn't let slip away. And moments ago she told him exactly what she needed. She needed him to listen, and she needed him to believe.

 

“I believe you, Jyn. I believe you.” He met her eyes, and gave a single nod.

 

“Even about Chirrut?” she replied, her voice small and afraid.

 

He closed his eyes. It made no sense. Why would she throw this fantastical story in with so many harsh truths that he needed to hear? Unless, somehow, it was also the truth. He took a deep breath and met her eyes again. “I don't understand. But I want to. I want to believe.”

 

She held his gaze, unblinking and silent. Finally, she replied. “It's a start. I suppose we have to start somewhere, don't we?”

 

He nodded silently, afraid that anymore words at this point would somehow make things worse.

 

“If it makes it any easier,” she said, “I didn't believe it, either, the first few times I saw him. I thought I must be going mad. But he found a way to prove it to me. And he's also talked to Bodhi, and I think to Tehma, as well. It was the Force that allowed him to stay—to help us.”

 

Cassian swallowed hard, struggling to grasp the full implications of what she was saying. “I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. I want to trust you. But this thing about Chirrut—it's not an easy thing to believe.”

 

“I know,” she replied. “But haven't you ever known something you couldn't prove? Something that didn't make rational sense, but you still knew it was true, deep down in your bones? Haven't you ever felt that way about anything?”

 

Her words shook him. He'd known—known to the core of his being—that he loved her that night when they sat in a medbay on Yavin, waiting for the outcome of the battle with the Death Star. It made no rational sense. They'd known each for barely more than a week. But he'd known he loved her as surely as he'd ever known anything.

 

“I have felt that way,” he said. “And if that's how you feel about Chirrut, then I believe you. I trust you, and I trust your judgment.”

 

Her lips curved up in the faintest ghost of a smile. “Thank you.”

 

His heart lifted. This was what he'd wanted for so long, even when he hadn't be willing to admit it to himself. He smiled back.

 

“Now,” she said softly, “I've told you what I was afraid to say. It's your turn, Cassian. What have you been afraid to say to me?”

 

His tongue froze in his mouth.

 

What if it was too much, too quickly? What if the fact that he'd been repressing his true feelings for so long only made her angrier at him? What if...?

 

No. She'd been brave.

 

He needed to do the same.

 

“Jyn. I...”

 

She looked at him with wide, expectant eyes.

 

A knock sounded at the closed door, and a moment later, it opened to reveal Princess Leia.

 

Cassian clenched his teeth and bit back a growl of frustration.

 

“Hi, sorry to interrupt. One of your colleagues told me the two of you were in here,” said Leia, sounding not at all sorry.

 

Cassian coughed to clear the emotion from his throat. “What can I do for you, Your Highness?” He hoped it would be nothing more than a quick question or an equally quick order.

 

“Actually,” she said, “I need to borrow Sergeant Erso for a little while.”

 

Cassian saw his own frustration reflected on Jyn's face. But she held it together and turned to stand at attention in front of Leia. “Yes, ma'am?”

 

“Can you follow me to my office? I'd like to talk something over with you.” Leia had phrased her words as a request, but Cassian knew a command when heard one.

 

He leaned into Jyn squeezing her wrist lightly, and murmured in her ear. “We'll finish this conversation tomorrow. I promise. There's more that needs to be said.”

 

Jyn squeezed her lips together and nodded. “Okay. See you tomorrow.” With that, she followed Leia out of the meeting room.

 

Cassian leaned back against the table with a huff. He hoped by the stars and heavens that this poorly timed interruption wasn't some sort of sign from the Force that they were supposed to let go of each other. He'd give anything to know for certain that it was just a shitty coincidence.

 

_Please, just let it be a coincidence._

 

He decided that the best way to calm his nerves was to head to prayer meeting. Who knew, maybe Chirrut would turn up and talk to him?

 

~ ~ ~

 

Jyn had always been fond of Leia, but at that moment, following her down the corridor to her office, she felt as if she could scream countless curses at the young leader for interrupting just when she did. Cassian had been about to say something big. Something important. Jyn had seen it in his eyes.

 

They were finally, _finally_ , working out their issues. And Leia just had to choose that moment to show up.

 

Jyn squeezed her fists a few times as they walked, and forced herself to stay silent. Nothing she said right now would be helpful.

 

At last they got to Leia's office and stepped inside, closing the door behind them.

 

“Have a seat,” Leia said, gesturing at some chairs. She went and took her own seat behind the desk.

 

Jyn perched on the edge of her seat. She wanted to get through this meeting—whatever it was—as quickly as possible. She didn't want to have to wait until tomorrow to finish her conversation with Cassian.

 

Leia tapped her fingers on her desk a few times before speaking. “Things seemed a little tense in there. Were you and Major Andor talking about what might happen if your new assignments separate you for awhile?”

 

“Something alone those lines,” Jyn replied in clipped tones.

 

Leia nodded. “You haven't been together very long. Just a couple of months, right?”

 

Jyn squeezed her lips together and nodded. Fine. Apparently the whole Alliance believed she and Cassian were already a couple. She had no desire to clarify things right now.

 

“I've heard that long-distance relationships can be very difficult,” Leia said. “Unfortunately, sometimes, periods of separation are inevitable. I'm afraid that what I'm about to say to you isn't going to make things any easier on you.”

 

Jyn squeezed her fists even tighter. No, no, no. She needed more time. Leia couldn't separate them now. Not when they were only just starting to find their way, again. “What is it?”

 

Leia gave her a level gaze. “Captain Solo is heading up a new special operations team. They'll be working primarily in the dark underbelly of the galaxy, around criminals, smugglers and dissidents. Gathering information and supplies. Doing hit and run attacks. Maybe occasionally snatching up a key imperial operative. Solo wants to work with other people who have experience with that social element. People like you.”

 

All of Jyn's breath left her. This was the opposite of what she wanted. “This would be a long term assignment?” She tried to keep her voice even.

 

“Probably.” Leia nodded. “You'd be returning to home base every few weeks to report and re-supply. But the team could, presumably, function indefinitely.”

 

Jyn stared at the desk, the thought crossing her mind that she knew how to fly, now. It wouldn't be that hard to steal a cargo ship and run fast and far and never come back. She lifted her gaze. “Is this assignment an order, ma'am?”

 

Leia's lips thinned. “Not yet. I know the frequent separations from Major Andor won't be easy on you, but—”

 

“It's not just about Cassian,” Jyn interrupted. “Maybe if it was, we'd find a way to make it work. But it's not.”

 

“Then what it is about, Jyn?” Leia seemed exasperated.

 

Jyn shook her head. “I've been in this fight since I was eight years old. I've seen more death and destruction than most people see during lives three times as long as mine. I've seen the three people who raised me die before my eyes, and I've seen two worlds being ruined by that _thing_ my father helped build. I don't want to do this, anymore, Leia.”

 

“Then why did you enlist?” Leia asked, frowning.

 

Jyn understood her frustration. But right now, she didn't care. “Because it was the only way to stay near the people I'd come to care about. And because going back to a life of running and pain was the only alternative. But I've seen something new here. This community that Bodi and Tehma are building. It's the best thing I've ever been a part of. For the first time in my life I have the chance to help build something. To watch it grow and flourish, and to help nourish it. I don't want to give that up.”

 

“I appreciate your devotion to their cause,” Leia replied, leaning toward her, “but their cause will never flourish without soldiers in the field fighting to topple the Empire. We need soldiers with your skills, Jyn.”

 

“There are hundreds of soldiers with my skills,” Jyn snapped, not caring if she was in the process of ruining her reputation with the princess. She'd gotten started telling the truth of her heart in her talk with Cassian, and she wasn't ready to shut up. Not when it mattered this much. “Maybe even thousands of them. The only reason you want me for Solo's team is because I'm convenient. Look further afield. You'll find someone else.”

 

“We can't always have the luxury of picking or choosing our assignments to meet our whims,” Leia growled.

 

“But that's exactly what you're doing with Solo, isn't it?” Jyn replied, her anger rising. “You couldn't get him to enlist so you came up with a job that's exactly the kind of gig he'll enjoy, and you'll still get to see him every few weeks when he stops in at home base.”

 

Leia rose to her feet, her eyes blazing. “Just because we've been friendly doesn't mean you've earned the right to speak to me to like this, Sergeant.”

 

Jyn stood to face her. “Bullshit. You don't get to call me out on wanting to stay near the people who've become my family when you're doing the exact same thing with Skywalker and Solo. I've noticed how close you keep them. They haven't given any more to this Rebellion than I have. They haven't lost any more than I have. So why do they earn special treatment when I don't?” Jyn shook her head. “I don't want to fight you Leia. But I'm long past the days when I was willing to keep quiet and do as I'm told. Please—just let me follow the Jedhans to F.S.S.. Then you'll never have to be frustrated by me again.”

 

Leia shook her head slowly. “After everything they did to you—to your family. After seeing the Death Star in action. You honestly don't want to fight them anymore?”

 

Jyn shook her head. “I haven't given up on the Rebellion. And if the day comes when I truly have no other choice but to fight, I will fight. But fighting isn't the only way to strengthen the Rebellion. And right now, I'd rather build than fight.” She took a breath. “Back on Yavin, the Force spoke to me.” She didn't need to clarify that it spoke by way of Chirrut's ghost. Cassian needed to know that part—Leia didn't. “It made it clear that many paths were open to me, but that it would welcome me on the path of following and supporting Bodhi and Tehma and their cause. I've made my choice. That is the path I want to follow, and I know that if I do, the Force will be with me. Please, Leia. Let me make this choice.”

 

Leia looked down at her desk. After a moment of thought, she replied, “I felt like it was the Force that urged me to trust Luke, even when my instincts told me not to.” She lifted her eyes. “You really believe it spoke to you?”

 

“I do.” Jyn nodded.

 

Leia took a breath. “I feel the Force with us every time I go to a prayer meeting. I know you feel it, too.”

 

Jyn nodded again.

 

Leia leaned over the desk, planting her hands and staring Jyn in the eye. “So we both know how important Bodhi's work is. And we both want him and Tehma to succeed. I know how much it means to you, because it means a lot to me, too. So I understand why you let your emotions get fired up about this. But before you commit to this path, Jyn, I want you to step back from your emotions for a day or two and really think about the best way for you, personally, to support what Bodhi is doing. Will your skills really benefit him the most by staying with him, doing organizational work and community-building work that is so far removed from anything you're familiar with? Or will you benefit him the most by fighting to keep the Empire as far away from our back-end support lines as we can? Don't make a snap judgment. Weigh all the factors carefully. You're right that Solo's crew might not be the best place for you, but I'm not convinced that F.S.S. will be any better.”

 

Jyn wanted to stay angry, but in the face of Leia's calm rationality, all of the fire drained out of her. She didn't want to think about the possibility that leaving the Jedhans behind in order to fight might help them more than staying with them. But that was exactly what Leia was asking of her.

 

“I don't need an answer right away,” Leia said. “Take a few days to give my words serious consideration before coming back to me. And that's an order, Sgt.”

 

Jyn lifted her chin. “Yes, ma'am. I'll consider what you've said.”

 

Leia nodded. “Good. And Jyn—I'll let your outburst slide just this once. But don't speak to me like that again.”

 

A spark of shame burned in Jyn's chest. Leia hadn't deserved that. If only she hadn't chosen that particular moment to tear her away from Cassian; this conversation would have gone very differently. “I understand, ma'am. And I apologize. I was out of line. My emotions have been running a little hot this evening, and I took it out on you. I'm sorry.”

 

Leia straightened up and gave a short nod. “Apology accepted. You're dismissed, Sgt.”

 

Jyn turned and strode out the door, but leaving gave her no comfort. She had a lot of difficult decisions to make, and she didn't know how she was going to make them.

 

~ ~ ~

 

The prayer meeting was already underway when Cassian arrived. He managed to get through to his usual seat beside Rostok without causing too much of a disturbance—easier said than done, with his crutches in the way.

 

Bodhi's prayer, beseeching the Force for wisdom and clarity, was the most powerful Cassian had heard in weeks. Even coming in late he was able to close his eyes a lose himself in the feeling of spiritual assurance that always accompanied the nightly prayers.

 

Once the chanted prayers fell into silence, Cassian felt a calm certainty in his chest. He would tell Jyn his true feelings, and everything would work out for the best. He knew it in his bones—just as she'd described.

 

When the meeting ended, Rostok nudged him. “Hey Major. No Sarge tonight?”

 

Cassian frowned and shook his head. “She had to go to a meeting with Princess Leia. I'm not sure what it was about, but it probably had something to do with the upcoming reassignments.”

 

Rostok nodded thoughtfully. “You sorted things out with her, yet?”

 

Cassian managed to smile. “I've started to. There are a few more things to work through, but... I think we're finally going to make this thing work. At least, I hope we are.” A warm feeling settled over him at the thought.

 

He'd been so lucky to make a connection with her in the first place. How had he ever let her go? But he was ready to make up for lost time.

 

“You tell her you're in love with her, yet?” Rostok asked, a sly look in his eyes.

 

Cassian huffed. “I've been that obvious about it?”

 

Rostok smiled. “You're not as mysterious and secretive as you think you are, Cassian.”

 

Cassian chuckled. “Good thing I'm not in the spying business anymore, then.”

 

“You're gonna tell her, right?” Rostok prodded.

 

Cassian wasn't sure where all this concern for his personal life was coming from, but for once he was in the mood to tolerate it. “I am. Soon.”

 

“Good.” Rostok reached out to grip his shoulder. “Cassian—in case we don't end up in the same place, promise me you'll look after her? Make sure she doesn't get herself into too much trouble?”

 

“Of course I will,” replied Cassian. “I'll always look after her—for as long as she'll let me.”

 

“Good,” Rostok said again. “And a piece of advice. Never treat her like she's your second choice. Like she's your second priority behind the Rebellion. That's where I went wrong with Jarom's mom. Don't be like me. Do better. Make sure she's your number one. Always. Promise me that?”

 

“I promise,” Cassian replied. Something about this conversation was troubling him. “Serchill—is everything okay?”

 

Rostok looked away and shrugged. “These reassignments are just turning me into a sentimental old fuck, that's all.”

 

Cassian patted his shoulder. “If you want me to fight to get you a position with the Jedhans, I will.”

 

Rostok looked down at his hands and nodded. “Thanks, Major. I do appreciate that. I appreciate everything you've done for me.”

 

Something in his tone continued to bother Cassian. “You're welcome, Serchill. Do you want company on the walk back to the barracks?”

 

Rostok shook his head. “Nah. I'm fine. You go get a good night of sleep, Major.” He turned and limped off, leaving Cassian puzzled and worried. He'd have to have another talk with Dr. Garra about Rostok to find out if he was still seeing his counselor.

 

As he stood to leave, another face in the dwindling crowd caught Cassian's eye. Skywalker had come to the meeting, tonight.

 

The young pilot attended the meetings sporadically when his fighter group wasn't out on assignment, but Cassian hadn't had a conversation with him since Yavin.

 

Tonight, however, he had something to ask.

 

The room was empty enough for Cassian to reach Skywalker quickly. “Lt. Skywalker,” he said as he approached.

 

Skywalker said a quick goodbye to the person he'd been talking to, and then turned to face Cassian with a smile. “Hi Major Andor. Good to see you. You're really getting around, now. I'm glad to see it.”

 

“Thank you,” Cassian replied stiffly. He still didn't like when people pointed out his disability, but he supposed there was no avoiding it. “I actually have a question for you—regarding the Force.”

 

Skywalker's face grew more serious. “Are you sure you wouldn't rather ask Bodhi? He's made a more thorough study of the texts than I have.”

 

“Yes, but he's not a Jedi. You are.”

 

Skywalker shook his head. “I'm just an apprentice without a master. There's a good chance I won't have an answer to your question.”

 

“Let me try,” Cassian replied. He didn't want Bodhi's story. Not yet. Skywalker was the closest thing he'd find to an objective authority on the subject, and he wasn't going to pass up the chance.

 

Skywalker sighed. “Fine. I'll try. What's your question?”

 

Cassian clenched his jaw before speaking again. He almost felt foolish asking. He should just take Jyn at her word. But for something this fantastical, he needed something more. “Is it possible for the Force to allow someone's spirit to linger after death, so that they could visit the living and speak with them?”

 

Skywalker's eyes went wide. “I... I never expected anyone else to—” Skywalker leaned closer. “Has someone from your past come back to speak to you?”

 

Cassian blinked. “No. But... a spirit visited a friend of mine. Or at least they said it did. I just... I want to make sure they aren't... you know?”

 

“Delusional?” Skywalker finished for him.

 

Cassian squeezed his lips together and nodded.

 

“They're not,” Skywalker replied firmly. “If the living still have need of the dead, the Force can and will permit a spirit to linger. I have no doubt on that point.”

 

The aura of truth and confidence radiating of off Skywalker left no room for doubt.

 

So Jyn was telling the truth. Cassian should have believed without asking for assurance. He wouldn't doubt her again. “Thank you,” he said. “I appreciate your help.”

 

“Anytime,” Skywalker said with another smile.

 

~ ~ ~

 

After her talk with Leia, Jyn sat for most of an hour in the nearly-empty hangar, staring at the stars beyond the force-field and turning the stone from the old Temple on Jedha over and over in her hands.

 

Chirrut had returned to help Bodhi and Tehma rebuild. But Baze—what would Baze have done?

 

Was that why Chirrut gave her this stone? Because he wanted her to step up and fill Baze's shoes? Was her truth path to continue as a warrior, defending the Jedhan survivors with her skills as a soldier?

 

She had no answer to those questions. But they changed things. How could she commit herself to both Cassian and the Jedhan cause without letting both down in the end?

 

For the first time she thought she understood her mother's choice, that day back on Lah'mu. It was possible for both choices to be wrong and both to be right. It was possible for both to end in triumph or both to end in disaster.

 

“Is there any way to choose both, without fucking things up in both directions?” she whispered to the stars, hoping that Chirrut would turn back up to answer her.

 

After another ten minutes of silence she gave up waiting, and made her way back to her bunk room.

 

Most of her roommates were sleeping, but she noticed Rostok still sitting up, leaning back against the wall, staring down at a data pad.

 

“G'night, Serchill,” she murmured as she passed his bunk, heading for the refresher.

 

“Sarge. Jyn,” he called after her in a low voice.

 

She turned and stepped back over to his bunk. “What's up?”

 

“I've been meaning to talk to you,” he said, just above a whisper. “Just in case the new assignments send us in different directions.”

 

She nodded at his earnest gaze. “I understand. I can't stop thinking about it, either.”

 

“Jyn—I just want to say, don't give up on Cassian, yet. I know he's been a dumb fuck a lot of the time, but he's learning. And his heart's in the right place.”

 

Jyn smiled. “You're sweet, Serchill. Thanks for looking out for us. And...” She sighed. “We're trying. Finally. I hope we can figure it out. I don't know.” She shook her head. “These re-assignments have me all mixed up.”

 

He nodded. “I feel you. Don't worry, Jyn. You're strong. One of the strongest. Take care of yourself. And if he lets you, take care of Cassian, too.”

 

“I will. I promise,” Jyn whispered. This was a first for Serchill. Her eyes narrowed. “Are you alright? Anything you need to talk about?”

 

He lowered his eyes and shook his head. “Nah. It's like you said—the new assignments've got me on edge. I'll be okay.” He lifted his head. “Good night, Jyn.”

 

“'Night, Serchill.”

 

It was only later, just before drifting off to sleep, that it occurred to her that this was the first time he'd ever called her Jyn.

 

 

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I picked the quote for this chapter because all my characters have been in a holding pattern since evacuating Yavin. They've been working and training, but with no clear goal in mind. Now, suddenly, they are being forced into making life-changing choices whether they want to or not. The questions posed in the Hamilton quote felt very relevant to their current situation.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The survivors of Scarif collectively make an important choice about their future within the Alliance, and their future as a team.

 

> “I know it's a lot to ask, To leave behind the world you know... / … / Let's go.”
> 
> _Non-Stop_ , Lin Manuel Miranda's _Hamilton_

 

Jyn woke up as much out of sorts as she had been when she fell asleep. She didn't want to go away. She didn't want to leave her new-found family behind. But she did want to do whatever it took to protect them, even if that meant going back into the fight.

The thought of it made her sick, but the thought of the Empire getting their hands on the Jedhans and finishing what they'd started with the Death Star made her sicker.

There was no easy answer. She needed to talk to Cassian. They weren't keeping secrets anymore—that's what they'd committed to. She needed to tell him about Leia's proposals. She needed to hear what he had to say.

She rolled out of her bunk just as the first dim wake-up light came on and made it to the shower before any of her bunk mates. She was in and out in two minutes, and dressed quickly. Cassian was an early riser. If she hurried, maybe they'd have a few minutes of privacy in the mess before their friends joined them.

~ ~ ~

Jyn was already in the mess when Cassian arrived. She turned her head, looking like a skittish sand-cat on the verge of bolting. Instead, she abandoned her un-touched food to stand and come toward him. His heart raced as she approached.

They needed to finish what they'd started, last night. He didn't want to wait any longer. He needed her to know how he felt.

“I'll help you with your tray,” she said, tilting her head toward the food line.

He took a breath and nodded, words escaping him. The food line in the mess was no place for passionate confessions, and he needed to calm his mind before he'd be capable of anything else.

They made it through the line quickly, and Jyn carried his tray back to where she'd abandoned hers at the end of a long rectangular table.

Cassian sank into the seat across from her and propped his crutches against the table beside him. Ignoring his food he reached out to take Jyn's hand where it lay on the tabletop, waiting for him. “We need to finish our talk.”

“Yeah.” She nodded, and he could tell one of her legs was bouncing beneath the table.

“But somewhere more private,” he added. He wasn't about to confess his love for the first time over breakfast in a crowded mess.

“Your quarters?” she asked.

Stars yes. No one would interrupt them, there. “Sounds good. Over lunch?”

“Sure.” Her answers were clipped. She was clearly on edge. Was it because of how much they left hanging last night, or was it something else?

“Or we could take a morning off,” he suggested. He didn't want to wait any longer. “Technically I'm your commanding officer. We could get away with it.”

She smiled for the first time that morning. “Bold move. I wouldn't have expected this from you.”

He smiled back and shrugged. “I don't like the way things ended last night. We deserve a chance to make up for it.” Kriff—he was acting like an over-eager boy. But they did deserve a few hours of privacy. They'd waited so long to share these feelings with each other. It wasn't something he wanted to rush.

Color rose in Jyn's cheeks and she nibbled on her bottom lip.

Was she considering his proposition? He felt heat rising inside of him.

“There's something else we need to talk about, first,” she said, sounding regretful.

He furrowed his brow. “What?”

“It's about what Leia and I talked about last night.”

“Oh.” He'd remembered the interruption clearly, but had been so focused on getting back to their talk that he hadn't given a second thought to what Leia had wanted. “What is it?”

Jyn's eyes fell. “She offered me a job.”

“Oh.” He felt all the breath go out of his chest. This was exactly what they'd been fearing for days now. He should have seen it coming.

Jyn nodded. “She, uh, wants me to join a special team Solo is putting together. Special ops stuff. Some spy work, some hit and run, maybe some smuggling. He wants other people with experience in that sort of unit. People like me.”

“Oh.” Every sentence felt like a physical blow. He couldn't meet her eyes.

“It wasn't an order,” Jyn added hastily—almost desperately. “She said I could think about it.”

Cassian let out a breath of relief and found him reaching with his free hand to grip her other hand. It must look comical to others walking by to see them clinging to each other with both hands across the breakfast table, but he didn't care. Not today. “What are you going to do?”

“I don't know,” she replied. “My first instinct was to turn it down.”

His heart leaped. Maybe this wouldn't have to be good-bye, after all. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “But then Leia gave me a few compelling reasons why I should take the job—or another similar assignment.”

Cassian swallowed hard. This was exactly the kind of assignment that suited Jyn's abilities. Leia clearly recognized that fact and emphasized it to Jyn. Damn it.

“But there are a lot of compelling reasons not to take it. Reasons to stay with the Jedhans and... you know.” She caught his gaze, her eyes imploring him for help.

“You've made a real home for yourself among the Jedhans,” he said slowly, not wanting to push too hard.

“I have,” she agreed. “But I also need to think about where I can help them the most—where I can use my skills to protect what they're building.”

“I understand,” he admitted grudgingly. It was a complicated choice. One he hadn't fully made for himself, either.

But by everything holy in the galaxy, he wanted more time with her. He shook his head. “We should have had that conversation weeks ago,” he murmured. “I'm sorry it took so long.”

“I'm sorry, too.” She squeezed his hands tighter. He wished that he never had to let go.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when two trays thumped down beside him. Bodhi slid into the seat next to him, and Tehma into the seat next to Jyn.

“Morning,” said Tehma, before shoving a spoonful of porridge into his mouth.

Cassian and Jyn both murmured greetings.

Bodhi eyed they way they were holding hands and raised a brow. “What's up?”

Jyn grimaced. “Leia offered me a job.”

Tehma dropped his spoon. “Wait. What? What kind of job?”

“She wants me to join a team that Han Solo is putting together.”

“No,” Bodhi said immediately. “Just no. I don't like that man. I don't trust him. He's immature and selfish, and he is way too old for Leia. You and her both would be better off steering clear of that man. He's nothing but trouble.”

“That's a strong opinion,” Cassian said. He'd rarely heard Bodhi say a harsh word about anyone, let alone an ally. “The man did good work rescuing the princess and during the battle of Yavin.”

Bodhi huffed. “He was paid for the rescue, and anyone with a ship could have done his job over Yavin. Even I could have done it, if there'd been a ship to spare. And since then he's done nothing but a handful of courier runs, and spent the rest of his time striding around like he owns the place, or drinking and making eyes at the princess.”

“You're getting very protective of her,” Jyn commented.

“She needs someone to look after her, doesn't she?” Bodhi shrugged. “I mean, look after her as a girl, not just as a princess or a politician. She's not even twenty, you know? About the age of my kid sister. I just think she could use a big brother in her life, that's all.”

“I'm sure she appreciates it,” Cassian said, “But that doesn't change the fact that the Alliance needs all the help it can get right now, and if Solo is willing to lead a special ops team, then his service is welcome.”

“That doesn't mean Jyn has to go with him,” Tehma grumbled. “We're a family. They shouldn't try to break up a family.” He glanced up to catch Cassian's gaze. “I mean, you're not planning on leaving us, are you?”

Sometimes Cassian forgot how young Tehma was. He sighed. “There are no guarantees. I can call in some favors to make it happen, but I need to evaluate where my skills can do the most good.”

“It's not just about skills!” Tehma frowned. “That's how the Empire thinks—treating everyone like disposable tools. We can't fall into that same pattern. It goes against everything the Rebellion stands for. We have to start building the kind of society that we believe in _now_ , or at the end of the war we'll only be left with something else just as bad as the Empire we're trying to overthrow. We have to care about people as individuals who all have value and meaning within the pattern of the Force. Decisions need to be about something more than just utility.”

Young though he was, he'd clearly been studying the religious and historical texts with a lot of care and devotion. Cassian began to see why Tehma was so important to the Jedhan rebuilding. His passion and determination would go a long way, if he was given the chance to lead.

“You're right,” Jyn said, her voice quiet and thoughtful. “That's what we've been doing. We've been acting like Imperials. We can't live our lives like that.” She turned to meet Cassian's eyes and held his hands a little tighter. His heart leaped. “I can't make a decision like this based on skills or where I might be useful. I need to follow my heart. I need to know I'm working toward something that I believe in. We both do.”

Cassian felt the weight of her words on his shoulders. Back on Yavin he'd keenly felt the pain of being treated like a disposable tool by the Alliance leadership. He'd been uncertain whether he even wanted to continue to serve. And yet he'd fallen back into his old habits and patterns of obedience and compliance. Not because he'd actively chosen that path—but because it was the only life he'd ever known.

It was time to look beyond that. To make some real choices about his future based on what he believed—not just on who he'd been conditioned to be during his years of service.

He shook his head. “Living by the old rules has been such an ingrained part of my life that I didn't even see what it was doing to us—to me. I've seen you building your community. I've admired it. I've hovered on the fringes of it. But I haven't let myself believe that I can really be a part of anything other than the old Alliance structure. But the old structure didn't work. It failed us. Fuck.” He stared at the table, trying to process all the thoughts spinning in his head. “Why didn't I see this sooner? I just slid back into the command structure like the dutiful soldier they trained me to be, even while I watched you all become something more. I can't believe I didn't realize this was happening.”

“This war broke us,” said Bodhi, his gaze more intense than Cassian had ever seen it before. “It broke us, and it broke the galaxy. But when something is broken, we have a chance to fix it. I'm tired of being broken—of my people and my home being broken. We can do better, Cassian. We can remake ourselves and our galaxy into something better. That's worth the struggle, isn't it?”

Cassian held his breath. This was the goal that Bodhi and Tehma—and even Jyn—had been working on before his eyes for months. Yet somehow, he'd missed it.

He grimaced. He'd been trained since he was a child by rebellion leaders. They'd molded him and shaped him into the soldier and the spy that they need. And he'd allowed himself to become their perfect tool.

Jyn and Bodhi changed that. They'd challenged him and compelled him to become something more when he went against orders to lead the mission to Scarif. But sometime since then he'd lost that path they set him on. He'd fallen back into the familiar, because it had been easier than rewriting the programming Draven and his other commanders had forced into his brain.

But he didn't want to be that man anymore. He didn't want to be that tool. This was why he'd held back from Jyn. Because he'd slipped back into being the man he was before he met her. But he wanted more.

“It is worth it,” he said. “I'm sorry I didn't see that sooner.” He lifted his gaze to Jyn's. “But I see it now. Tehma is right. We belong together. All of us. Don't take that job, Jyn. We'll find a way to stay together. I promise we will.”

A smile spread across Jyn's face like a rising sun. He'd never seen anything more beautiful. “You're really ready for this fight? Even if it means upsetting the system and pissing off some superior officers?”

“I am,” he said, determination swelling within him. This was what he'd been missing these past months—this sense of purpose and direction. He turned to glance at Bodhi and Tehma. “Bodhi, Jyn and I were witnesses to the destruction of Jedha. The Alliance failed the Jedhan people. But we are still here. We have a chance to turn the Alliance's failure upside down, and build a New Jedha. One that can never be destroyed. What you've already built inspires me more than I can say. If I commit myself to the Jedhan cause the way I should have—I know I can make a difference.” He took a deep breath. For the first time since leaving Yavin he felt proud. He'd been so focused on rehab to try to get closer to who and what he used to be that he'd lost sight of who he _could_ be. But he'd found it again. The threat of losing everyone he cared about had finally rattled his brain to the point where he could see clearly, again. He knew he could never be the man he once was, nor did he want to go back.

He wanted something new. Something better. He was finally ready to follow the path that Bodhi and Tehma had been walking for months. “I know I'm coming to this later than I should have. But if you'll have me, I'm ready to follow where you lead.”

Tehma beamed. Jyn squeezed his hands like she never wanted to let go. Bodhi nodded. “We still don't always know where we're headed with this—but we're glad to have you on the path with us.”

Jyn held his gaze. Softly—just above a whisper—she said, “Welcome home.”

Cassian smiled. He felt happier than he had in months.

This was what he'd been missing. A sense of purpose above and beyond himself. And it had been right here in front of him all this time, just waiting for him to realize it.

“Well. I guess it's time to put in a formal request for all of us to be assigned to F.S.S. together, and to fight until we get it. We'll figure the rest out from there.”

“Sounds like a plan, Major.” Tehma said, grinning.

Cassian met the eyes of all his friends in turn, grinning, until a sudden unease hit him in the pit of his stomach. “Hey—where's Serchill?”

“He was slow this morning—said he didn't sleep well, and told us not to wait up,” said Tehma. He shook his head. “He really should be a part of this. He's convinced he's gonna end up separated from us. He gave Bodhi and me a whole speech the other day about how much the prayer meetings mean to him and how we need to take care of each other even if he's not around.”

Cassian frowned. He had a very bad feeling about this. “He did the same with me, last night.” His happiness drained away as something deep inside of him shouted that he needed to get up and find Serchill as soon as possible.

Jyn met his eyes, understanding in her gaze. “He did the same for me, just before bed. He even called me Jyn. First time he's ever done that.”

“Fuck.” Cassian released Jyn's hands and reached for his crutches. “We need to find him. Right now.”

~ ~ ~

Jyn strode beside Cassian as they headed toward her bunk-room with Bodhi and Tehma trailing behind.

“I don't understand,” said Tehma. “I care about Serchill, too, but why are we in such a hurry?”

“Because he was saying goodbye,” Jyn replied, tension in her voice.

She been so happy moments earlier. The problem of balancing her commitment to both the Jedhans and Cassian had seemed so impossible last night, but this morning it felt as if all the missing pieces had clicked into place. They could do this together—as a family. As they were meant to be.

But now fear churned in her gut.

“He thought we'd be separated—now we don't have to be. That's good news, but I don't get why we had to abandon our food over it,” Tehma replied.

Damn teenage boys and their unending appetites. “It wasn't that kind of goodbye,” she snapped.

“We need to talk to him before he hurts himself,” said Cassian, his voice low and tense, lines of worry standing out on his face.

“Wait—you don't mean—?” Tehma said.

“Yes,” said Bodhi, sounding just as tense as Cassian. “That's exactly what they mean. I can't believe none of us saw this happening. We need to be better than this.”

“Let's just get to him, okay?” said Jyn. There was no sense in falling apart. Not when Serchill needed them to be strong.

They walked for another half minute in silence until the rounded the next corner. Jyn, Bodhi, and Tehma all stopped in their tracks, but Cassian took a few more steps before turning to look at them in confusion.

He didn't see that he'd walked right past Chirrut.

“You need to run,” said Chirrut. “He's not gone, yet, but he's fading fast. Run!”

Without hesitation Bodhi took off sprinting past Cassian, who wobbled on his crutches. Tehma only hesitated a second before following.

Jyn looked at Cassian. “Go to the nearest com-panel and call an emergency medical team to our bunk-room. Right now.”

“Jyn?” he called out, confused, as she jogged past him. She slowed and looked back at him. “Chirrut just told us to run. Call the med-team. Serchill needs our help. Just trust me!”

Cassian nodded, his shock settling into resolve. He would make the call. She knew it. She spun on her heels and ran.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written beyond this, but I decided to keep this chapter short. I'll publish the follow-up in a few days. As you might guess, the content of the next chapter could be triggering to people who struggle with stories featuring discussions of suicide. I want those readers to be able to skip the next chapter without missing any other key plot developments, so that is why I am splitting the chapter here. So if that sort of content is triggering for you, please don't read the next chapter. Wait for chapter 17 instead.
> 
> The quote at the beginning relates to Cassian finally being ready to take a leap of faith into leaving his traditional service in order to help build up the Jedhan community, and Jyn choosing to leap along with him.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The survivors of Scarif struggle to cope with a decision one of them has made, and Cassian and Jyn work to solidify their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got delayed by a few days because I got sick, but here it is. And it'll probably be another month before the next update because life. Sorry.
> 
> Content Warning: depiction of suicide attempt and discussion of suicide. If these are triggering for you, pleas skip this chapter and just go on to the next one when it is published.

 

> “The fact that you're alive is a miracle. Just stay alive, that would be enough.”
> 
> _That Would Be Enough,_ Lin Manuel Miranda's _Hamilton_

 

Bodhi's heart thumped like the sound of an engine spinning up as he raced into the bunk-room. Chirrut stood in the back, gesturing to the refresher door.

Bodhi ran across the room and the door slid open.

Everything seemed to freeze as he took in the scene.

Serchill sat on the floor by the sinks, slumped down, his eyes closed, his arms hanging limp. The holo of his son, Jarom, sat in front of him, the image of the boy smiling up at his father. An open pill bottle, a bottle of gin, and three empty syringes were scattered on the ground at Serchill's side.

Tehma bumped into Bodhi's side as he skidded to a halt. “No. No no no no no.” Tehma shook his head.

“Pulse. Gotta find a pulse,” Bodhi murmured, compelling himself to move. He sank to his knees beside Serchill and took his hand—still warm, thank the Force. He placed his fingers over Serchill's wrist.

Jyn tumbled into the room. “Fuck.”

“I've got a pulse,” said Bodhi, his voice shaking. But it was there beneath his fingers—the unmistakable flutter of blood pushing through veins.

“We need to check for breathing,” said Jyn, falling to her knees on Serchill's other side, sending the bottles and syringes sliding across the floor. She raised her wrist chrono to Serchill's mouth and waited for several anxious moments until a faint fog formed on the screen.

Bodhi let out his own breath. “So—we're not too late?”

Jyn shook her head. “Too soon to say. His breath is very faint and this looks like he took a hell of a lot of drugs. I don't know what the doctors are capable of. But better finding him now then in ten minutes or an hour.”

Bodhi's breath came in rapid gasps. In his mind he could see Serchill in the u-wing shuttle, sitting next him, falling unconscious from blood loss. He'd been certain Serchill would die.

But he hadn't. They'd made it. They'd saved him.

“We saved him,” he murmured to himself. “I thought we saved him.” He kept his fingers on Serchill's wrist, focusing on the shallow flutter of his pulse.

“We _will_ save him,” said Jyn, while Tehma stood a few feet away, wide-eyed, rocking back and forth. Jyn grabbed the syringes and pill bottle. “I told Cassian to call for help. The medics will need these. Keep monitoring his pulse. If it stops, we'll have to do chest compressions.”

Bodhi nodded, struggling to focus on Serchill. He needed to hold himself together. Serchill needed him.

He heard Tehma whimpering, “Why? Why? Why did he do this?”

“We'll worry about why later,” Jyn snapped. “Right now we need to focus on keeping him alive.”

Moments later Cassian lurched into the 'fresher, looking unsteady on his crutches. He cursed under his breath as he took in the scene. “Intentional overdose?” he asked.

“Yes.” Jyn nodded.

Cassian limped back out and from a distance, Bodhi heard him activate the bunk-room com. “Garra—I'm on the scene. Corporal Rostok is unconscious, and appears to have ingested an intentional overdose of meds.”

“Does he have a pulse?” Garra's voice crackled over the com.

“Faint but steady, and very shallow breaths,” Jyn called.

Cassian relayed the information.

“Got it. If you have what's left of the meds, hand them over to the medics. I'll prep an emergency detox kit. If he's still breathing, that cuts down on the chances of brain damage. The team will be there in less than five minutes. If he stops breathing, begin mouth to mouth resuscitation. Keep the oxygen flowing. And if his pulse stops, begin chest compressions.”

Though he heard Garra's words clearly, all Bodhi could make sense of was the feeling of Serchill's pulse beneath his fingers, and the pale insensibility of his face.

They'd failed him. He came to them practically crying out for help, and they'd failed him.

Without thought he began to murmur. “I am one with the Force and the Force is with me. I am one with the Force and the Force is with me.” The slow cadence of the prayer that normally helped calm his mind did little to drive away his fear, but he kept praying. He didn't know what else to do.

~ ~ ~

Jyn felt her hand trembling at her side, and fought to keep it steady. This was no time to fall apart—especially with Tehma on the verge of a meltdown.

They waited in tense silence for the medics to arrive, broken only by Tehma's occasional, panic-tinged murmurs.

More than a minute had passed when Serchill's body jerked, and he began to retch. Jyn dropped what she was holding and reached out to grab him. “Help me hold him,” she ordered Bodhi. Together they tilted Serchill to let his vomit come out freely instead of choking him.

After the retching stopped Jyn guided Bodhi in lowering Serchill to lay on his side, and carefully steered his head so it wouldn't touch the mess on the floor. She could feel tears welling in her eyes, but fought to hold them back.

She could hear Tehma weeping in the corner, Bodhi had fallen into an endless prayer that was keeping his anxiety only barely under control, and a glance at the door showed her Cassian, wide eyed and frozen, looking as devastated as he had when they stepped out of the citadel on Scarif and saw the blast wave moving toward them.

Someone here had to hold it together. Cassian was trying. But she'd faced situations like this before, both during her time with Saw, and after. She needed to take charge.

“I've got this, Bodhi,” she said. “Go see if you can help Tehma.”

Bodhi's murmured prayer halted abruptly and he blinked at her in surprise. “Are you—are you sure?”

“Yes.” She nodded. “The medics will be here any moment. I've got Serchill until then. Go to Tehma. He needs you, now.”

Bodhi gave Serchill's hand a squeeze before gently releasing it, and clambered to his feet. Jyn watched as Tehma through his arms around Bodhi, buried his face in Bodhi's shoulder, and openly sobbed. Bodhi held the younger man in a firm embrace, but his gaze was hollow and broken as he stared into space over Tehma's head.

She turned her eyes toward Cassian, and he met her gaze. He parted his lips as if he wanted to speak, but no words came out.

Jyn could relate.

Serchill was their friend—their brother. They'd gone to hell together and come back alive, if not entirely intact. They laughed together and worked together and cried together and prayed together.

And when he thought he was about to be separated from the family, he'd decided that he was done. There was nothing left worth living for.

Tears began to well again. This time they refused to be held back.

~ ~ ~

For nearly a minute the only sound in the room was Tehma's sobs, and even those felt more like background static than anything else.

Cassian stood staring at the man he'd spent half of every day with for the past three months as he lay, pale and limp, dying on the refresher floor, and he had no fucking idea what to do.

He nearly fell in surprise when the medics burst through the bunk-room door with a float-stretcher in tow.

The four medics pushed past him as he tried to back out of the way, and he leaned back against the nearest bunk to stop from stumbling.

Inside the 'fresher he heard the lead medic calling out vital signs and giving orders. Jyn said something about the drugs—she must have been handing over the empty containers.

And then, “One, two, three, up!” followed by a few grunts.

Moments later the medics pushed the stretcher out of the refresher. Serchill lay strapped to it, a blanket swaddling his still form. Then, just as quickly as they had arrived, the medics and their stretcher were gone.

Only the sound of Tehma's ragged sobs remained.

A few seconds later Jyn emerged from the refresher, a dazed look on her face. She walked toward Serchill's bunk and set something small on the shelf over his bed.

“What was that?” Cassian asked.

“The holo of Jarom. He'll want it when he gets back,” she said softly, still staring down at Serchill's bunk.

When he gets back. _When._

Cassian tried to wrap his mind around that word.

Serchill had become such an integral part of every day. He'd taken the large man's constant presence for granted.

Before Scarif they'd only been casual acquaintances—done a few missions on the same team and shared a few drinks in the cantina. But now Jyn was the only person in the galaxy who knew Cassian better than Serchill.

He'd known Serchill was still struggling. He'd known Serchill needed more help. Why hadn't he done anything? Why hadn't he acted faster?

A dull ache spread through his chest. He was probably the best friend Serchill had left, and he'd failed him. Why the fuck hadn't he seen this coming?

Jyn still stared at Serchill's bunk, her frame stiff.

Cassian gripped his crutches and hobbled toward her. “Jyn—what do we do now?” A foolish question, but his mind was too foggy to think. How could he think after something like this?

Instead of answering, she said in a tight, quiet voice, “There's a note. Here on his bunk. There's a note.”

Cassian's heart froze as he followed her gaze down to the white scrap of paper lying in the middle of Serchill's dark gray blanket.

~ ~ ~

Jyn had read the words on the short note dozens of times already, but it still didn't feel real.

“Give my death benefit to Bodhi Rook and Tehma Yavi. It'll help them build their new Jedha. -Corporal Serchill Dimitri Rostok.”

Short. Simple. To the point. No going on about reasons or motives or saying goodbyes. It was very practical.

In some ways that made it worse. That Serchill had seen his death as nothing more than a practical and sensible step to take.

Fuck, she wanted to scream. She wanted to kick something or someone. She wanted to watch something burn.

Instead, she stood as still and quiet as she could, because adding more pain and rage to this galaxy would only make things worse.

“Pick it up. Hide it,” Cassian murmured.

“What?”

“Jyn.” His voice was commanding. When she met his eyes, he whispered, “We can't let Bodhi or Tehma see this. It'll make them feel responsible.”

Yes. Of course. He was right—completely right. She should have seen it herself. She snatched up the note, folded it in half twice, and tucked it deep in her pocket.

She felt sick and angry and sad and helpless. The helplessness was the worst part.

She met Cassian's gaze and saw that same helplessness reflected in his eyes. Without thought she stepped toward him and wrapped her arms around him. One of his crutches clattered to the ground when he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close.

They didn't speak. What was there to say?

~ ~ ~

The need to comfort Tehma gave Bodhi something to focus on other than his own horror and grief. The sobbing went on for minutes and minutes before Tehma finally began to quiet in Bodhi's arms.

“Come on,” Bodhi murmured. “Let's go sit down.” He wanted to get out of the refresher where Serchill had hurt himself. Where the scent of Serchill's vomit still hung thick in the air.

Tehma nodded, red-eyed, and followed Bodhi to his bunk where they sat down. Bodhi scooted back from the edge of the bed into the shadows and folded his legs. He wanted to be small. He wanted to disappear, at least for a little while.

So many people had started turning to him as a leader—both social and religious. Cassian's declaration that he intended to help had filled him with confidence less than a half hour ago. But now... he could hardly think, let alone plan out some grand vision of the future, no matter who he had to help.

Tehma moved back next to him and leaned against his side, linking their arms and resting his head on Bodhi's shoulder.

Bodhi squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and took a deep breath. He was supposed to be gently discouraging this kind of behavior from Tehma. But right now he didn't have the energy, and any pushing would send Tehma into a tailspin.

He sighed. For today he would let it slide. A little romantic misunderstanding didn't compare to what their friend had done—to what their friend was still going through.

He opened his eyes again. Jyn and Cassian still had their arms wrapped around each other, and stood leaning against Mahir's bunk, just above Serchill's.

Bodhi had thought they'd all come so far since being confined to that medbay on Yavin. But now here they all were, stuck in a small room, as broken and desperate as they ever had been. Had anything really changed at all? Did any of what they'd done since really matter?

After another minute of silent waiting, the door of the bunk-room opened.

Mayris, Mahir, Neev and two of their other bunk-mates all seemed to tumble through the door at once.

Mahir spoke first. “Neev saw Serchill on a stretcher, headed toward medbay. What happened? Is he sick?”

“He looked like a man half-dead,” pronounced Neev, her long gray-threaded braids bobbing as she nodded.

Bodhi tucked his chin down and willed himself to vanish. He didn't have it in him to explain.

After a few moments, Jyn finally spoke up. “Serchill took an intentional overdose of his meds.”

Bodhi closed his eyes, squeezing them shut at the sound of all the gasps of horror and a fresh barrage of questions filled the air.

So many questions, but at the heart of them all, the same sentiment: _why?_

“We all know why,” Cassian's angry voice cut through the clamor. “We all know what happened to him on Scarif and then after, on Yavin. We all know about his son.”

Bodhi cracked his eyes open and looked out to see Cassian, leaning on Jyn for support. Though his voice was commanding, he looked at the ground, meeting no eyes.

Cassian took a shaking breath. “There are some hurts that can't be healed by a few months of rehab and counseling. We all know why. Don't ask again. This is not a topic for anyone to dissect in their gossip sessions. Understood?” On the final word, Cassian raised his head, glaring at all of the newcomers in turn.

Bodhi closed his eyes again while they all murmured their agreement. Over breakfast he'd become convinced that if he had both Cassian and Jyn to help manage and organize the growing population of Jedhan refugees, he wouldn't feel so overwhelmed. He'd be able to focus on his spiritual studies again. Maybe he'd even be able to prepare himself to join Tehma in founding a new religious order.

But seeing Serchill like this—failing his friend like this—left him doubting whether he was worthy of such a calling, regardless of visions or spiritual impressions.

“We have to do something,” Tehma whispered.

“What?” Bodhi couldn't hide the bitterness in his voice. “What do we have to do?” He'd lost so much these past months. His sister, Noor. His nephew, Pabo. His relationship with his mother and his other sister. His first love. And, worst of all, his homeworld.

Why did the Force allow everyone he cared about to be hurt or killed? Who would be next?

If this is what the Force thought was needed to “teach” him, then he wasn't sure it was a power he even wanted to be serving.

“It's not like that, Bodhi,” murmured Chirrut.

Bodhi turned his head to see the spirit of the blind Guardian seated beside him on the bed. But before he could even open his mouth, Tehma spoke, his voice tinged with pain. “Why didn't you come sooner? Why did you wait so long? We could have gotten here before he did it if you'd just come sooner!” His voiced raised on those final words.

“What is that, love?” Neev said, dipping her head to look at them.

Fortunately, Jyn could see exactly what was happening. “Hey—Tehma and Bodhi need a little space right now. Let's take this discussion into the corridor and let them have a some quiet for a few minutes, okay?”

Neeve gave them an odd look before turning to agree, and Jyn, after handing Cassian the crutch he'd dropped, ushered all of their bunk-mates out of the room. Cassian gave Bodhi a searching look before turning to follow the others out of the room.

Once the door closed, Chirrut responded to Tehma's angry questioning. “Little brother, I was not tasked by the Force to watch over your friends. I was tasked to watch over _you._ It was not until your conversation turned to Serchill that I realized he may be in danger.”

“You should have seen. You should have known,” Tehma bit back.

“We all should have seen,” Bodhi said tiredly. “Chirrut isn't the one to blame. We are.” His head was starting to ache. Force, he wished he knew how Serchill was doing.

“I will check in on the doctor's progress with Serchill, to help ease your minds,” Chirrut said.

“Yeah. You go do that,” Tehma bit back.

Chirrut vanished in an instant.

With a ragged huff, Tehma leaned back against the wall. After a moment he said, “All of you knew right away that something was wrong. I was the idiot who didn't understand. I should have seen it. I should have.”

“Even if we had, I don't know if we'd have been able to do anything to change things. Maybe delay it a little, but I'm not even sure about that,” Bodhi said, the grim reality of their situation finally sinking in.

“You can't know that,” Tehma retorted.

Bodhi shook his head. During the last few minutes of quiet all of the pieces of the puzzle had clicked into place. “He's been thinking about this for a long time. He'd had to have stolen those syringes from the medbay, and his last appointment was three weeks ago. I know because I check in with him after every appointment to see how he's doing. And if he'd stolen three syringes all at once, it would have been noticed. He probably nicked them one at a time. Maybe even took them in the chaos of the evacuation of Yavin, and held onto them all this time, waiting to decide if he was going to go through with it or not. Maybe we could have helped if we'd known, but maybe not.” He sighed, feeling heavy, like he'd stepped onto a high-grav planet.

From the expression on Tehma's face, he looked torn between crying and rolling his eyes. “You really figured all that based on three syringes?”

Bodhi squeezed his lips together and nodded. “Galen once told me he did something like that. Managed to steal a lethal dose of something from a medbay a few months after his wife was killed and he was separated from Jyn. He said he carried it around for three years, and almost went through with it twice, before he decided that the galaxy would be better off with him alive than dead and he threw it away.”

Galen had had a few too many drinks that night. It wasn't the first time he'd talked to Bodhi about his lost family, but he went into more detail that night than he ever had before. He started to weep when he talked about his hope that Jyn was out there, safe, perhaps starting a family of her own.

He would have laughed at the irony that Jyn was now, for all intents and purposes, another sister for Bodhi.

By the Creator, Bodhi missed Galen. Most of the time he was able to push the memories aside to focus on the future he was building, rather than dwelling on the heartbreaks of the past. But sometimes, late at night when he couldn't fall asleep, he'd find himself sinking into memories of Galen. And right now it hurt so bad his whole chest ached with it.

Galen would know what to say at a time like this. Galen had always known what to say when life got difficult.

Bodhi felt his throat tightening and drew in a breath to try to clear the pain away. It didn't work.

“The doctor seems confident that Serchill will recover, but she is worried about how to help his mental health,” Chirrut said, standing across from them. “This ship doesn't have the resources to adequately address his needs.”

Bodhi grit his teeth. It had been weeks since Chirrut appeared. He didn't feel the same anger that Tehma had expressed, but he'd had a frustration simmering inside of him for a long time. “They haven't been able to address our needs, either. We still take our meds every day, and that helps, but some nights I barely sleep, I'm so tangled in the memories of everyone and everything I've lost.”

Tehma nodded in silent agreement.

“How are we supposed to do this?” Bodhi said, feeling as helpless as he ever had. “How are we supposed to lead these people and serve the rebellion and found a new religion all at once, when we're both struggling with our own wounds? It's too much, Chirrut.”

Chirrut smiled sadly and nodded. “Of course it's too much. So perhaps it's time you found a new balance. You've begun the gathering of your people. Now is the time to turn the secular leadership of that gathering over to someone else, so you can focus on your own healing, and on the spiritual growth of yourselves as well as your people.”

“Turn it over to who?” Tehma demanded, asking the same question Bodhi had been thinking.

“Part of the answer has already come.” Chirrut nodded firmly.

“Cassian and Jyn?” Bodhi asked, his mind turning back to the resolutions they all made earlier in the hour. “I want to believe that they are the solution we need, but they aren't Jedhan. There are some who might resent being led by outsiders.”

“And that is why they are only part of the answer,” Chirrut replied with a mysterious smile on his face. “Now go—be with your friends.” And he was gone.

Bodhi sighed, half relieved and half frustrated at Chirrut's reply. “So the four of us will get through this,” he said, trying to feel hopeful again. “That still doesn't solve Serchill's problems.”

“I don't know what will,” Tehma murmured. “Lets go.” They stood and headed for the door.

~ ~ ~

After he followed Jyn out of the room, Cassian hobbled over to her and leaned close. “Chirrut?” he murmured in question. The fact that the possibility of a ghost talking to his friends seemed like the most logical explanation for their behavior gave him pause. This was certainly not the life he'd ever expected to have. And yet, here he was.

She nodded. “Yes.”

The others were still looking to them for some sort of direction. Serchill had been friends—or at least friendly—with a significant number of the Jedhan community. This would be a blow to all of them.

Cassian sighed. “You may spread the word, quietly, to Serchill's friends. But no gossip or speculation. Ask them to pray for him—and to pray for Bodhi and Tehma. They love Serchill. This is a huge blow to them.”

Neev, who had been a maternal figure for the Jedhan community from the start, rested a hand on Cassian's forearm. “We'll pray for you, as well, Major. We know he is one of your best friends. You don't have to hide from your sorrow.”

Cassian felt his throat closing up. Sometimes Neev reminded him far too much of his Auntie back on Fest—it made spending time with her an uncomfortable reminder of what he'd lost. But she was right. Maybe it was time to stop repressing the sorrows that had done so much to shape him. Repressing his emotions had never done him any good. “Thank you,” he managed to say. “And if anyone needs reduced shift-hours today while they're coping with this news, have them shoot me a message. I'll sign off on it.”

The others nodded, and soon dispersed, leaving Cassian alone in the corridor with Jyn.

“What now?” she said softly.

Cassian shook his head. He couldn't think. “I feel like everything has changed. Like everything we talked about over breakfast was naive idealism.”

Jyn shook her head and wrapped her arm through his. “Nothing's changed, Cassian. Serchill would've been proud and happy to hear what you said. He wouldn't want your resolve to waver just because he chose not to come on this journey with you.”

He knew in his heart that Jyn was right. But it was hard to feel that way while Serchill might be dying—or might already be dead. Instead of responding, he asked, “Has anything like this ever happened to you before? Someone you knew doing this?”

She nodded. “Yes. A few times.”

Her calm answer boggled his mind.

“Saw and his people never had much sympathy for mental health struggles. And when I was on my own, sometimes the people I spent time with were in even worse situations than I was. I saw it first hand three times, and heard of a few others. It was part of my life.” She sighed, as if wishing her past wasn't so grim. She glanced up at him. “Is this your first?”

He nodded, clenching his teeth. This sort of despair shouldn't be a part of anyone's life. They had to do better. Somehow, they had to find a better way.

A moment later the door opened and Bodhi and Tehma stepped out.

“I sent the others to tell Serchill's friends,” Cassian said, not knowing what else to say. “If you need to take the day off, I'll sign off on it.”

Bodhi shook his head. “I think I'll go to my shift. It'll take my mind off of things.”

Tehma looked uneasy for a moment, and then said, “I need the morning off. I want to spend some time praying, and then I'm going to see if I can get a message through to my little brother. He's already on one of the F.S.S. bases—did I tell you that?”

“No.” Cassian shook his head. “But I'm glad to hear it. It means you'll see him soon.”

Tehma smiled weakly.

“The doctor expects Serchill to live,” Bodhi said softly.

“How do you...” Cassian cut himself off, and asked, “Did Chirrut tell you?”

Bodhi nodded. “You know about him?”

“I told him yesterday,” Jyn said. “I thought he needed to know.”

Bodhi looked a little apprehensive. “Okay.”

Cassian sighed. “Don't worry. I... I have faith.”

Bodhi replied with a genuine, though exhausted looking, smile.

Just then they saw Neyris Raarif, Mahir's medic cousin, walking toward them.

She stopped a few feet away, a somber look on her face. “Serchill is going to live. Dr. Garra says you caught him in time to prevent any brain damage. He'll need to be in bacta for a few hours, and then she wants to keep him at least overnight for observation.”

Cassian let out a slow breath. He wanted to feel relieved, but he knew that Serchill's troubles were far from over. “Thank you.”

Neyris nodded. “Major, Dr. Garra needs to speak with you so you can work together on the incident report. She'd also like to speak to a second witness who found Serchill.”

“I'll come,” said Jyn, sparing Bodhi and Tehma.

Cassian agreed, and told Bodhi and Tehma he'd see them at dinner. Then, he and Jyn followed Mayris back to the medbay.

The next few hours were an excruciating ordeal of interviews and reports—first with Garra, then with the chief medical officer, then with Commander Harra, Cassian's immediate superior, and then with the ship's second mate. After the first hour he was able to get Jyn out of it, and sent her to the fitness center to finish the morning with her combat classes.

All the meetings came down to the same essential questions: Were you aware of Corporal Rostok's mental state? What actions had you undertaken? Was anyone else aware of his state? What actions could have been undertaken to prevent this from occurring?

Cassian understood. The impulse of all bureaucracy was to find something or someone to blame for every problem or issue that arose, and then find a way to create regulations or procedures to prevent such a thing from happening again. Unfortunately, treating mental health like any other ordinary problem was wholly inadequate and naive. And in their search for something to blame, he felt their invisible fingers pointing at him.

He could've done better. He should've done better. But the the whole fucking galaxy was falling to pieces. How much could any of them really do?

When he was finally allowed to take his lunch break, he was grateful to find Jyn, Bodhi and Tehma seated together. He sank into the open chair beside Jyn, and Tehma hopped up to get him his food.

Cassian sighed. “I hope you all had a better morning morning than I did.”

Bodhi's lips were tight, his eyes downcast.

Jyn sighed. “It was awful. No one knows what to say, so they either pretend like nothing is wrong, or they offer meaningless expressions of sympathy—that they're praying for him, or they're sure he'll pull through. What the kriffing hell does that even mean? Pull through.” She huffed and shook her head. “I don't even know how to respond anymore, so I just smile and nod.”

“I tell them the prayers are appreciated, and leave it at that,” Bodhi said. “Any word on how he's doing?”

“He'll be in bacta a few more hours. Garra isn't sure if he'll be up for visits tonight, but if he is it will probably only be one or two of us. We don't want to overwhelm him.” Cassian frowned, his chest feeling tight again. He'd managed to keep his emotions at bay while giving official reports. He knew how to gloss over emotions in official reports. Doing it with his friends was different.

Jyn immediately took his hand and offered him an understanding smile. A surge of emotion flooded through him. He'd loved her before he even fully knew her. And now that he did know her, he loved her all the more. Pretending otherwise had been an absurd waste of time. Why did he ever let himself think that pulling away from her was the right choice? He'd made so many mistakes. But he needed to the get the next few day right. He had to get Serchill the help he needed and get himself and Jyn permanently assigned to F.S.S. with the Jedhans. It was a lot, but he would find a way to make it happen, regardless of what favors he had to call on or who he needed to stir up a sense of guilty obligation with.

He took a deep breath. “I'm going to see him tonight, for certain. I'll talk to him to see if he wants any other visitors. In the meantime, I'm going to be spending a lot of time with senior officers to find the best way to help him. And I want the best way to help you, too,” he said, directing his words to Bodhi and Tehma. “What I said this morning hasn't changed. I'm committed to the Jedhan cause, now. I know you've been in touch with General Josten, but I don't know what you've worked out, yet. If there is anything that you still need, I am ready to fight to get it for you.”

Maybe he'd missed his chance to do better with Serchill. But he wouldn't miss _this_ chance. Bodhi, Tehma and the Jedhans were creating the kind of future he had only ever vaguely allowed himself to contemplate, and they needed help. He'd be damned if he made the mistake of letting normal bureaucratic process get in the way of what they were doing. Not when he could make things better.

~ ~ ~

Bodhi took a deep breath. Well. It seemed Chirrut was right. Cassian would be at least part of the answer he needed. “Thanks, Cassian. I wasn't sure, after...” He shook his head. “I'm glad that what happened hasn't changed your mind.”

Cassian offered a wry smile. “I might be slow, sometimes, but once I make up my mind, it's hard to change it. I'm with you all the way.”

The relief that washed through Bodhi was tangible. He felt like this was asking a lot of Cassian, but the Force had asked a lot of _him_.

“I need... _we_ need,” he corrected himself, glancing at Tehma, “a little space. We've been in charge of organizing all the meetings and the cultural programs, and working out the arrangements for the transfers to F.S.S., and there are about a hundred and twenty other Jedhans already gathered at two of the F.S.S. bases. Tehma and I, we believe... No. We _know_ that the Force wants us to rebuild the Jedhan faith. I set this gathering in motion, but if we're really going to learn the texts and meditate on the Force sufficiently to qualify for our calling, we need to pull back from the secular leadership and organization. We need to be able to focus our efforts on the spiritual aspect of things.”

Cassian nodded slowly. “I understand. Next time you plan on sending a message to Josten, let me send one as well. I know how to work within the structure of Alliance leadership. I'll see that he understands. And I might even be able to get things rolling here with the Council.”

“And Cassian and I can take over anything that you feel like you need to delegate,” Jyn added. “Just figure out what tasks are taking too much time from your studies and preparation, and hand them over to us. Alright?”

Bodhi grinned.

“Thank you,” Tehma said. “You have no idea what this means to us. Really.” As he smiled, he rested a hand on Bodhi's thigh.

Bodhi squeezed his lips together. He needed to straighten things out with Tehma. Soon. But he didn't know how to do it without piling on the pain they already felt about Serchill. He'd have to find a way.

~ ~ ~

While Cassian was stuck in more meetings about Serchill, Jyn fretted her way through flight training and some cargo-hauling on the flight deck.

She couldn't get the image out of her mind—Serchill, pale and motionless, the holo of Jarom staring happily up at him.

Had her father ever felt like that about her, during those long years? That was one of the many questions which Bodhi might be able to answer for her, but which she hadn't had the stomach to ask.

She cared about Bodhi so much. She loved him like a brother. But a part of her still couldn't wrap her head around the fact that he'd been romantically involved with her father. She'd pushed aside her feelings of squeamishness and discomfort in order to embrace Bodhi in her life. But if she was truly going to stop hiding and lying, she needed to do it with all the people she cared about—not just Cassian.

Someday soon she would have to sit down with Bodhi and a bottle of gin and have a long conversation about her father. But it could wait until after they'd all been successfully transferred to F.S.S. Until then, bringing it up would probably only make Bodhi's stress and anxiety worse.

More importantly, though it was Serchill's actions that had stirred up all these buried feelings, they were of secondary concern today. Serchill—his health, his needs, all of them, needed to come first.

She remembered the first time she'd seen a friend dead at his own hands. It had been when she was fourteen, still in thick with Saw's partisans. Morvaan had been his name. He was only a few years older than Jyn, and had been in the fight even longer. They'd been celebrating a successful raid with booze and brags around a campfire that night. Morvaan had been laughing and joking along with the others. He hadn't been a close friend, but he'd always been good to her. He'd helped her work on her bomb-making skills, and had kept the older lecherous creeps away from her when Saw wasn't around to quell their attentions.

When she woke up in the morning she'd gone to the nearby spring for a drink of fresh water, and had found Morvaan lying in the bush, his blaster still in his mouth, his brains splattered on the nearby rocks.

There had been no talk of “why,” or how to improve mental health. Saw had called him a coward, and dumped the body in a nearby ravine. No one ever said Morvaan's name again.

But Jyn remembered him. She remembered his name and his laugh and his smile. And though she'd resented him for a long time after that, looking back, she'd never once thought of him as a coward.

Sometimes rejoining the Force seemed a lot more appealing than whatever mortal life had to offer. She understood that.

That didn't stop those who kept on living from feeling the pain of their comrade's choices.

She slotted one last crate into the cargo ship she'd been loading, and stepped back with a sigh. The Alliance wanted to be better than Saw's faction had been. Most of the time they succeeded. But not always.

“Jyn.”

She turned to see Veera walking toward her. She allowed her friend to pull her into a hug, and even managed to return it, if a bit half-heartedly. “How are you doing?” Veera asked.

Jyn stepped back, shaking her head. What a question, at a time like this. “I don't even know. I really don't.”

Veera offered a tight-lipped smile. “I don't think any of us really know how to feel at a time like this.” She sighed. “Serchill is awake. Dr. Garra and his counselor are with him right now. Cassian is waiting to see if he'll accept any visitors. I thought you might like to join him, now that your shift is over.”

Jyn nodded. She had no idea what to say to Serchill right now, but if he wanted to see her, she'd be there. He needed whatever support he could get right now. And Cassian needed the support, too. He hadn't broken down, yet, but he'd seemed on the verge of it over lunch. He was closer to Serchill than anyone else aboard ship, and she knew this was hitting him hard.

“Yeah. I'll come.” She'd be there for both the men who needed her.

She and Veera were quiet while they walked, and Jyn was grateful for it. She wasn't in the mood for light conversation.

She found Cassian in a small waiting area surrounded by a cluster of private recovery rooms. He sat slumped in one of the chairs, his hair slightly mussed, with dark circles under his eyes, but managed a slight up-tick at the corners of his mouth when he saw her.

Veera gave her a small pat on the shoulder and then left them alone.

Jyn circled around to take the chair next to Cassian's, and his eyes followed her as she moved, as if he was afraid she'd vanish if he took his gaze off of her.

What were they—her and Cassian? She still had no firm answer to that question. They'd established that they were two people who wanted to be together, but had held back for a variety of reasons that now seemed forced and pointless. He'd told her to stay—to reject the job that Leia offered her. He said he wanted to keep everyone together. But that had included Bodhi and Tehma and even Serchill, not just her.

So what were they?

He was the man who'd always come back from her, even after falling from a tower. The man who heard her words of hatred and condemnation, and in return turned mutineer and provided her with a company of soldiers ready to follow her into battle. He was the man who'd leaned against her, broken and battered, in a service elevator on Scarif and placed a soft kiss on her lips before murmuring that he'd wished he could know her better.

He was also the man who tried to sacrifice himself while arranging to save her and Bodhi from the Alliance's punishments before they were pardoned. The man who missed his droid friend so much that he _never_ talked about him, and wore a haunted look in his eyes whenever someone else brought Kay up. The man who insisted he couldn't be with her while he recovered from his injuries because he'd just keep on hurting her, and yet who then proceeded to continue flirting with her for more than two months all while keeping her at arms-length at the same time. The man who denied being involved with her when he was sober, but kept pulling her into public displays of affection when he got drunk or emotional. The man who acted like he was a burden to her, but then accidentally said they were in a relationship when they started fighting about their inability to communicate.

He was a walking contradiction—a hardened assassin and spy who hated killing and wished he could be open with his friends but no longer knew how. He was also the man who had saved her in more ways than she could say.

He was the man who welcomed her home, and just this morning, she'd done the same in return.

Could this thing, whatever it was, really work? Was it too complicated and too messy to last, or was it just their misunderstandings that had been complicating things? Now that their days of hiding and deceiving were over, maybe things would be simple—or at least, simple enough.

Jyn had never truly been in a romantic relationship. She'd had a good number of one-night tumbles and a handful of several-day flings. But Cassian was different. And now she was different, too. Maybe it could work. Anything was possible.

_Force, let this work. I don't want to lose him. Not now. Not after everything we've been through together. Not when he might finally be ready to try._

She settled into the chair beside him and held his gaze. “Hi.”

The corners of his lips ticked even higher. “Hi.”

He took her hand, weaving his fingers together with hers and holding on with a firm but gentle grip that was becoming increasingly familiar. He sighed. “I think they blame me.”

“That's absurd.” She frowned. What the fuck was wrong with people? “No one who really knows you and Serchill could ever blame you. Serchill certainly would never blame you. Where do they get off?”

He shrugged and looked down at their joined hands. “They haven't openly said it—I just feel them thinking it behind all the questions they're asking. Bureaucracy always wants to make simple things complicated and complicated things simple, and they don't like questions without clear answers. It's the way of things.”

Jyn clenched her teeth for a moment. “This was why Saw hated the Alliance so much. This sort of kriffing behavior. Like they don't really have a problem with how the Empire is organized, they only have a problem with the fellows who took charge of it.” She shook her head.

He nodded and huffed in agreement. “He's not entirely wrong. They try. They do. But it's hard not to fall into the familiar patterns of the past. Creating something new is a hell of a lot harder. That's why the Alliance was founded by disaffected leaders from the Old Republic—not by the Separatists.”

“But you and Serchill both came to the Rebellion from Separatist factions, just like Saw, didn't you?”

He nodded, his eyes distant and thoughtful. “We did. We could have just as easily been recruited by someone like Saw, but the Alliance people got to us first. We were soldiers looking for a cause, and the cause found us.”

“And so did its bureaucracy,” Jyn added bitterly.

He nodded, a resigned look on his face. “If this Rebellion is going to bring about a lasting peace and freedom, things have got to change.”

“So who's going to change it?” Jyn asked. She'd hoped Leia might be the kind of revolutionary leader that the Alliance needed, but Leia was too young and too hurt. She wasn't ready to break free of centuries of bureaucratic tradition.

Cassian stared into the near distance with a melancholic expression. “I think I'd started to hope that maybe Bodhi could lead the way. But he's drowning under the weight of it.” He paused, and then met her gaze. “I never wanted to make history. I only ever wanted to serve. And then I met you, and Jedha happened, and then I had no choice but to act. And there is no denying, now, that what we did on Scarif changed the course of history.”

She found it funny that he included meeting her as one of the catalysts that pushed him into the annuls of history. Was that really how he thought of her? But there was no denying that the two of them, working together, had set something galaxy-altering into motion. She reached up to toy with her kyber crystal. “So you think we have to keep on changing galactic history together?” It wasn't an easy thought. They'd already given so much. How much more could they give before they burned themselves out? But on the other hand, who else was there to do the work?

“I don't want to. But if circumstances demand that we act...” he trailed of and shook his head, looking uncertain.

Jyn grasped his hand a little tighter. “Maybe we don't need to change the course of the entire galaxy. Maybe focusing on giving the best possible future to one little corner of it will be enough to inspire others to do the same with their own little corners, and soon there will be so many working for that shared ideal that the galaxy won't be able to resist being changed by it.”

He smiled—Force, she loved his smile. “You say the most remarkable things, sometimes, you know.” He eyed her with something akin to awe in his gaze. “Do you ever think these things through before you say them, or do they just come out without any plan or reason behind them?”

She chuckled at that. “The latter, I'm afraid. I'm used to living a life of constant improvisation, and that applies to my grand statements as much as it does to everything else.”

His face grew somber again, and he looked down at their clasped hands. “I don't want you to have to live like that, anymore. I want you to have some stability and constancy in your life.” He lifted his gaze hers, again, and the intensity in his eyes sent a shiver down her spine. “I've made so many mistakes. I've been an oblivious idiot and and a self-centered ass, but you were my constant through all of it. You never gave up on me. I want to do the same for you. I'm ready, Jyn. I wasn't ready back on Yavin. But I'm ready now. If you'll still have me?”

Her throat felt so tight she hardly breath and tears welled in the corners of her eyes. This was what she'd cried for in a dark stone nook on Yavin when Chirrut came to comfort her, and this is what she'd cried for a few days ago during her lunch with Veera. This was exactly what she wanted. But coming right now, after what happened...

As if reading her mind, Cassian shook his head. “This isn't just because of what happened with Serchill. I promise. This is part of what I wanted to say to you last night, before Leia interrupted. This is the truth, Jyn, and I'm not going to back out again. I'm in this. I'm not going anywhere.”

“Yes,” she gasped, nodding and blinking back the tears. “Yes,” she repeated more firmly.

His eyes shone with astonished happiness, and he stared at her for a moment in silence, as if afraid that somehow it wasn't real, and he needed to be sure.

She was sure enough for both of them.

Jyn reached up to comb her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck and pulled him in for a kiss.

His lips were soft and tentative for the first seconds, and then his hands rose to cradle her head and kiss grew firmer and more intent. Tingles of heat and electricity ran through her body. For a few moments she lost herself in the warmth and pleasure, letting every other worry fade from her mind.

But it couldn't last.

Cassian broke the kiss, but kept his hands around her head, caressing the edges of her cheeks with his thumbs as he looked down at her in wonder. “I should have done this weeks ago,” he murmured.

“I don't want to dwell on the past,” she replied. “Lets not. What matters most is what we do now.”

He nodded slowly. “You're right.” He took a deep breath. “I can't promise that I won't mess up again. I've already proved that I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to you—to us.” He smiled at that, and she smiled back. “But I do promise I will try. You come first. Before anything else. And when I do mess up, just call me out on it and I'll fix things as well as I can. I promise you that.”

She let out a soft laugh. “You're not the only one capable of messing up. So I promise the same. This comes first from now on.”

His answering smile sent a new surge of heat through her core. She could hardly believe this was happening. But it was. And she wasn't going to take it for granted—and was damned well going to make sure he didn't, either.

The sound of a door whooshing open startled them from their reverie. Their hands dropped as they turned to watch Dr. Garra and the counselor emerge from Serchill's room.

“Major,” Garra said softly, “he's agreed to see you, but no one else. Keep it short. Make sure you stick to positive thoughts and encouragement—no negative sentiments or accusations. Understood?”

“I would never do that to him,” Cassian replied. “I understand.”

Jyn squeezed his hand. “I'll be here when you get back out.”

He nodded and reached for his crutches to stand.

~ ~ ~

Serhill lay in a partially propped up bed. His skin was pale and clammy, and his eyes were bloodshot. He briefly met Cassian's eyes as he slowly made his way into the room, and then quickly looked away again.

“Hi, Serchill,” Cassian said, not know how else to begin. He lowered himself into the chair at Serchill's bedside and transferred both his crutches to one hand.

Serchill stared at the ceiling, frowning. “I fucked up good, this time. Thought I'd be solving a lot of problems, but only made them worse.” His voice was hoarse, and he never once glanced at Cassian.

“Doesn't matter,” said Cassian. “Family stands by each other no matter how hard or how fucked up things get. And that's what we are now. Family.” Cassian hesitated a moment. He'd never been good at emotional encounters. He'd learned to push all those feelings aside to get missions done. He needed to let himself feel. “I was an only child, growing up. I never knew what it was like to have a big brother.” His chest felt tight, and tears welled in his eyes. “But I know now. Because of you. You're my brother. And I'm gonna help you. No matter what.” He swiped at his eyes to dash away the tears.

Serchill's red-rimmed eyes were also welling with moisture. “I know how hard you worked to try to help me get better. I'm sorry I let you down.”

“No.” Cassian reached forward to grasp Serchill's hand. “You never let me down. Never. It was this whole fucking galaxy that let _you_ down. I wish... I just...”

“Don't worry about it, Major. You can't go back in time. None of us can.”

Cassian winced. “Don't call me Major, anymore Serchill. It's just Cassian.”

At last, Serchill turned his eyes to meet Cassian's gaze. “I never used your name 'cause I didn't want you to get too attached. If I was just a project you was working on, I figured it wouldn't hurt as bad if I decided to give up.” Serchill huffed out a hollow laugh. “Guess I fucked that one up, too.” In spite of Serchill's fatalistic words, he squeezed Cassian's hand.

Cassian forced a smile. “I don't mind so much. I got a brother out of it, so it works out good for me.”

“Brothers disappoint each other all the time. I should know. I used to have four of them.” Serchill stared back up at the ceiling.

Cassian squeezed his lips together. What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to help? This galaxy took more from Serchill than anyone should ever be asked to give.

“I've been reading out of Bodhi's prayer book. He lets me borrow it sometimes,” Serchill said, his eyes still distant. “There's this one prayer—I can't seem to get it out of my head. From this moment, I step into my next. From this place, I step into my next. From this life, I step into my next. For I am one with the Force, forever and forever. There is no death. There is the Force.” He let out a long breath. “I figured I was ready. Ready to step from this life into the next. Maybe I was just being a dumb fuck. I don't know.”

Cassian held Serchill's hand firmly. He wasn't a spiritual man. Not like Bodhi. But he was the one Serchill wanted to talk to—the one Serchill trusted. So he would have to do.

“Do you remember the blind Guardian? Chirrut Imwe?”

“Yeah. Why do bring him up?” Serchill turned to him a second time, his eyes narrowed.

Perhaps this wasn't his story to tell—but he needed something to convince Serchill that the Force really had been looking out for him. “I know this might sound crazy, but, uh, Jyn and Bodhi tell me that they've seen him. Talked to him. To his, uh, his spirit. Jyn says he stuck around to help us. I only found out about all this yesterday. I think he must be helping Bodhi and Tehma with the Jedhans. I wasn't sure I believed them, but this morning, when we were looking for you, all three of them stopped dead in the corridor, with their eyes locked onto someone I couldn't see, and then Bodhi and Tehma took off running, and Jyn told me to call the medics before running after them. She told me that Chirrut was there—that he told them you needed help. So maybe the Force has other plans for you.”

A few tears ran down Serchill's cheeks. “Chirrut was there. When I thought I was stepping over to the next life. He was standing there. And he shook his head at me, and smiled. He wouldn't let me pass. And then I woke up in a tank of bacta. I thought it must've been a dream.” He shook his head. “Fuck. What the does the Force even care about a broken-down old shit like me?”

Cassian was barely surprised at Serchill's confession. Apparently these sorts of spiritual encounters were going to be a part of his normal life, now, and he was already getting used to them. “I don't know. I don't know why it cares about any of us. But it does. Honestly, none of us should have made it off of Scarif alive. We never would have gotten away without the Force helping. It was a miracle. I think it cared more about saving Bodhi and Tehma than the rest of us, but we're a package, now. There's no pulling us apart.”

“The boys—are they—are they okay?” Serchill said softly.

Cassian squeezed his lips together and nodded. “The first hour was rough, but they're okay, now. Jyn and I found the note. We hid it before they could see it. We thought it would be better for them not to know.”

Serchill shook his head again. “Thanks. I'm glad. They shouldn't have to live with that. I convinced myself I was helping, but that was a fucked up thing for me to do.”

“We all do fucked up things when we're in pain.”

Serchill huffed. “You've done your fair share.”

“I have.” Cassian nodded, managing a small smile.

Serchill let out a slow breath. “You know there's no way in hell they'll put me in active duty after this. They'll have to find some remote corner to ship me off to for rehab.”

“I won't let them get rid of you,” Cassian said. “This morning I talked to Jyn and Bodhi and Tehma about everything, and we made a decision. Jyn and I are going to stay with the Jedhans. We won't take no for an answer. We're going to help lift the administrative burden from Bodhi and Tehma so they can focus on the spiritual side of the community. And I swear to you—no matter what—when you are done with rehab, if you decide you want to come back, we will have a place for you. I'll make sure of it.”

Serchill squeezed his eyes shut, but a few more tears made their way down his cheeks until they were trapped in the maze of his beard. He nodded. “I don't know if I'll ever be ready. But if I am... that sounds pretty damn good.” He took a deep breath and opened his eyes again, looking at Cassian. “Thank you, Cassian. I doubt I'm worth the effort, but—”

“You are worth it, Serchill,” Cassian interjected. “You've always been worth it, and you always will be.”

Serchill squeezed his hand and nodded silently. They sat like that for another minute until Dr. Garra came in to end the visit.

“I'll be back soon,” Cassian said as he turned to leave, his heart still aching in his chest.

He had to make sure the Alliance found the best possible help for Serchill. Cassian would accept nothing less for his friend—for his brother.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a tough subject to take on, and I hope I did it justice. I wanted to write this in honor of all the soldiers who follow their leaders to war and come home both physically and mentally traumatized, because they fall through the cracks of society far too often.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn and Cassian have a long overdue conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next will both be a little shorter than my usual, and will focus in more tightly on specific relationships - Jyn and Cassian in this chapter, and Bodhi and Tehma in the next. *fingers crossed* that I can update in 2-3 weeks.

>  “Let this moment be the first chapter where you decide to stay, and I could be enough, and we could be enough, that would be enough.”
> 
> _That Would Be Enough,_ Lin Manuel Miranda's _Hamilton_

Jyn jumped from her chair as soon as Cassian stepped out of Serchill's room. She'd been expecting the blank face he tended to wear when he was upset, but instead his eyes glistened with unshed tears and his jaw was clenched and his lips squeezed tight in signs of visible distress. She didn't know whether his open display of emotion was a good thing, or a bad thing.

Dr. Garra, standing beside Cassian, spoke first. “I'm sorry about this, Major, but I'll need to debrief you about your conversation.”

“It was personal,” Cassian replied, his expression speaking far more than his short response.

Garra shook her head. “I know. I'll try to keep this short, and I'll avoid anything too personal, if I can. But this is policy in this situation. I'm sorry.”

Cassian sighed and nodded. He glanced back at Jyn. “You should go to dinner.”

Jyn shook her head. “I'll wait.”

He looked ready to argue, but then closed his mouth and nodded. He leaned heavy on his crutches as he followed the doctor into her office.

Jyn sat back down in the waiting area, and tried to clear her mind. Recently, she'd been attempting to practice meditation, under Bodhi's guidance. She'd always, out of necessity, been good at silent patience. But clearing her mind of distractions was another matter altogether.

Every time she tried to open her mind to the flow of the Force, instead it flooded with thoughts. She was irritated that Serchill hadn't turned to any of them for help. Irritated that none of them had realized how much more serious his issues were than he was letting on. Angry at the Alliance for not doing more to stop the Death Star before it came online in the first place. Even angrier that instead of fighting for Jedha, they'd abandoned it, and let both the imperials and Saw's Partisans turn it into a war zone before letting it become the first target of the Empire's most deadly weapon. And then, trying to push those dark thoughts aside, in flooded the relief and nervous excitement about Cassian. He was finally ready. They could finally try to make this thing work. They could stay together, along with Jedhans, and keep working for the benefit of these people whom the Alliance had failed. They could be a family.

_A family._

The very thought made an excited spark run down her spine. She'd been alone for so many years. To have a family again—it was the dream she'd never known had been hiding deep in her heart until it because a real possibility. And now it was on the cusp of becoming a reality.

They just needed to get through the next couple of weeks intact, and it would be smooth flying from there on out. Hopefully. Maybe.

Ugh. There were never any true certainties in life, were there?

She held her crystal and quietly whispered a prayer, sending her hopes and plans out into the flow. Maybe this time the Force would let her have what she wanted. Maybe this time, things would be different than the first twenty-three years of her life.

A few minutes later Cassian returned, looking even wearier than before.

Jyn rose to face him. “So,” she said, after a beat, “do you want to talk about it?” That seemed like the safest question to ask.

Cassian shook his head slightly. “I don't know.” He let out a heavy sigh. “He needs more help than they can give him out in the field. We need to find a hospital where he can get proper treatment and therapy.” He shook his head again. “The longer this war stretches, the more soldiers are going to end up like Serchill. What then? Will we have a place to send them all, or will they get cut loose to fend for themselves? Ever since the dissolution of the Galactic Senate, the Alliance has been floundering in the dark. They're not a true alternative to the Empire, yet. Not until they can prove themselves capable of caring for and advocating for all the needs of the citizens of member worlds, especially the troops who've fought to keep this Alliance intact.”

Jyn grimaced. “So that brings us back to changing the galaxy, again.”

He sighed, and his shoulders slumped. “Maybe. I don't know. Nothing...” His voice hitched with emotion. “Nothing makes any sense right now. I'm having trouble processing everything.”

She was so used to Cassian's stubborn attempts at masking his emotions that it was more than a little disorienting to deal with this sudden openness. With no clue how to respond in words, she followed her instincts and stepped up to him to wrap her arms around him.

It was the right choice.

The sound he made as he leaned against her and nuzzled his face into her hair was the same sound she always made on the rare occasions when, after a long, hard day, she could fall into a safe, soft, warm bed for a night of uninterrupted sleep.

After a moment of holding each other, Cassian murmured, in a voice barely loud enough to be heard, “I knew he needed more help. I knew it, and I passed along my observations to the doctor, but I didn't do anything myself. We're his family, and he thought we were leaving him behind, and I didn't do anything to reassure him.” He paused for a moment. “I never let myself get too close to other soldiers, after I became a solo operative. Forming attachments when I was bound to get myself killed sooner or later felt cruel. I didn't want anyone to be hurt when I never came back.”

A lump rose in Jyn's throat, and she held him even tighter. She'd felt the same way about forming attachments, but for the opposite reason. If she let anyone in—let them get too close—then they would have the power to betray her, just like everyone she'd ever loved.

He'd spent years pushing people away to avoid hurting them, and she'd spent years pushing people away to avoid being hurt. What a pair they made—like some sort of cosmic joke.

Cassian continued, “I thought I'd broken those old habits, but I see now that I was still always holding a part of myself back. From him—from you—from everyone. I didn't even realize how much he mattered to me until I saw him on that refresher floor...” He took a deep, unsteady breath. “He's the closest thing I've ever had to a brother. I love him, you know? I should've done more. I should've...”

“Shhh,” she murmured, smoothing his hair with her fingers. “Let it go. What happened happened. Beating yourself for it won't make things any better.”

“I know, I know,” he said.

“Do you? Were all the people you met with today really the ones treating you like you're to blame, or were you doing that to yourself? Because I'm starting to think it might be that latter.”

He shook his head, breathing out a whispered, “Maybe.”

He was too exhausted and out of sorts for any good to come of this. “You need to sit down. Come on.” She slowly released him, making sure he had a good grip on his crutches, before stepping away and leading him to a private recovery room that stood open nearby. Cassian sat on the edge of the bed with another deep breath, and set his crutches down against the wall. Jyn closed the door. Cassian deserved a little privacy, after being stuck in endless interrogations all day.

She sat beside him a wrapped an arm around his back, letting him lean against her. “Things will be better tomorrow. Or, at least, we'll feel a little stronger tomorrow, and that's a start. In the meantime, Bodhi is working on something to say at the prayer meeting, tonight. Days like today are exactly why he and Tehma need to be able to focus on their spiritual callings. People need to feel connected to The Force at times like this.”

Cassian let out a small sound of agreement. “That's one thing that today has done for me, at least. My faith has been growing these past months, but after what I saw today—after what you all told me—I have no more doubts. You're right. I need to refocus. Bodhi and Tehma need me to step up.” He sat up straighter and rolled his shoulders a few times to loosen his muscles. “Garra said I'll probably be called to speak at the Council meeting tomorrow afternoon, just for a few minutes, as a formality. But whether they like it or not, it will give me a chance to speak up on behalf of the Jedhans. And on behalf of all the soldiers and refugees who deserve more from the Alliance than what they're getting.”

Jyn couldn't help but smile at that. “They'll just love that, I'm sure,” she said sarcastically.

He laughed shortly. “Yea. Well, it's time I started following your lead, and taking every chance to stand up for my principles.”

Jyn rolled her eyes at his characterization of her. “I'm just bad at keeping my mouth shut. I'm not sure that's something worth emulating.”

“I am.”

His reply was so full of confidence and faith that it made her freeze up. When he'd listed her as one of the catalysts to changing the galaxy, he hadn't been joking, had he? “Cassian—none of what I've done would have been possible without you. I'm not some galaxy-altering force of nature. At least, not by myself. Not without you and Bodhi. We've been in this together since Jedha, and we're still in this together. We can't do this without you, so stop selling yourself short.”

He swallowed and nodded silently, not looking entirely convinced.

Jyn squeezed her lips together. She wished she could make him see himself the way she saw him. “Cassian—one of the happiest moments of my life was up on that tower on Scarif. I was desperate for some miraculous distraction that would let me take down the man in white. I was so terrified that after everything we'd done, I'd still failed. And then he fell, and you were there, holding your blaster, half-dead, but nodding at me with so much faith.” She hadn't let herself think about Scarif, often. It was too painful. But today, he needed to know. “I don't think I've ever seen anything more beautiful, or more extraordinary. Everything we'd done would have been for nothing if you hadn't been exactly the sort of wonderful stubborn idiot who would willingly risk everything and destroy his own body in the process in order to save the galaxy. And you still are, and I wouldn't have you any other way.”

~ ~ ~

Cassian could only stare. The fact that _he_ could have been one of the happiest moments for anyone at all, especially someone as extraordinary as Jyn, boggled his mind.

“I did what I had to do. That's what I do. And it means more than I can say that I could be what you needed, then. But I've changed, Jyn. I'm not the same man I was before Jedha, and definitely not the same man I was before Scarif. Those events changed me, and you and Bodhi and Tehma and Serchill have changed me. I'm still changing, and I have no idea who I'll end up being.”

“You'll be someone stronger and better and more extraordinary than you ever were before Jedha and Scarif,” Jyn replied with absolute certainty.

Hah. Not possible. He'd become nothing but a confused, uncertain, lost and broken version of who he used to be. He shook his head. “I don't even know how you can feel that way.”

“I feel that way, because it's the truth.” Jyn held his gaze with determination. “I feel that way because you already are stronger and better, and I hope that someday you'll see that as clearly as I do.”

His mouth hung open. How could she feel this way about him after he spent months floundering and blindly falling back into Alliance service without a question? How could she feel this way after he'd spent so much time pushing her away? And yet, she did. And he knew in that moment that there was nothing he could say or do that would change her mind—and he didn't want to.

The Force had brought them together, and it had saved them from almost-certain death, and it had allowed them to stay together.

He was never going to take those blessings for granted again.

“I love you.” As the words slipped from his lips, he felt lighter and freer than he had in years.

~ ~ ~

Jyn felt herself freeze.

The last time she'd heard those words they'd come from her parents. From her mother, before she abandoned Jyn to go on a hopeless suicide mission. From her father before he watched mother die, and then went willingly with her killers. Once—only once—from Saw a scant few weeks before he abandoned her. And again on that message her father sent with Bodhi, just before demanding an impossible mission in order to right his wrongs.

She'd thought she knew what those words meant, but everyone who'd used them had disappointed or betrayed her.

What did they mean to Cassian?

He fidgeted nervously under her gaze. “I—I, uh, don't need you to say anything,” he said. “I know this is sudden and unexpected, and I don't need you to say anything back. I just...” He sighed. “This is what I've been afraid to say to you. This is what I wanted to say to you last night.”

She blinked again, processing. So this wasn't sudden or unexpected for _him_. He'd known for some time. But he'd still been willing to step back and let her leave if she decided to leave.

What did these words mean to him?

He looked away and continued to babble, as if to cover how nervous he obviously was. “I think I started falling for you all they way back on Jedha, but I didn't admit to myself what was happening until... until we were on that elevator on Scarif, and I thought I was going to die. But... but when I woke up on Yavin, and you were there, I was glad to be alive. I hadn't expected that. But then so much happened, and there was no time to talk about these things, especially when I was sure, or, at least I thought I was sure, that you didn't feel the same. Or maybe you did. I don't know. I've been wrong so many times. And then I found out that I wasn't going to fully recover, and...” He shook his head. “You were right. I thought I was a burden to you. I thought you deserved better. But I know better, now. And I couldn't wait any longer. I was ready to tell you last night. I've been thinking about it for days. So...” He raised his eyes to hers again. “You don't... you don't need to say anything.”

She opened her mouth, struggling for words. _I love you._

That's what people said in holovids when they meant “I want to sleep with you,” or “I want to spend my life with you,” or “you make me happy.” Is that what he meant? That's not what her parents or Saw had meant. They'd meant, “Goodbye, and I'm sorry.”

“You were still going to let me go,” she said softly. “You were going to let them reassign me to special ops. How could—” She closed her eyes and swallowed a lump in her throat.

“No,” he said forcefully.

She opened her eyes again.

“No,” he repeated. “Like I said last night—I wasn't going to send you away or let you go. I admit that's what I thought when we first came to Home One. I was too full of doubt about myself—not about you, about me. But I was wrong. The closer we got to time for reassignment, the more I knew I could never let you go without telling you how I felt—without talking about whether or not you wanted a future with me the way I want one with you. And that's what we've been doing since last night. An hour ago I promised you that this relationship comes first from here on out, and I intend to keep that promise.”

Jyn took a deep breath and pushed away her fears. Yes. This was what they'd been talking about. They'd already been working through this. She nodded. “I know. I know. I'm still trying to adjust to all this. I think a part of me just doesn't trust it yet.”

~ ~ ~

Cassian squeezed his lips together. Kriff, he'd made such a mess of things. “I understand. This is my fault. I did things all wrong these past months.” He shook his head.

He'd hurt her too much. He'd undermined her trust in him by hiding his true feelings for so long. How could he make this right? He studied her gaze.

In spite of her frustration, she wanted this. He could see it in her eyes—in the way she still leaned toward him—in the way her hand still clutched at his leg. He just needed to find the right words to make her believe that this wouldn't lead to another disappointment.

Suddenly a memory sprang into his mind of that long ago day on Yavin, after they'd gotten drunk at the celebration and she'd spent the night in his room. He'd been so emotionally fucked up that he'd gone out of his way to pick a fight—to try to drive her away. But she hadn't let him. She'd pushed aside all his statements of unworthiness and ignored when he tried to point out all the horrible things he'd done in the past. She told him his past didn't define him—he was defined by his choices. Like his choice to be kind to her and Bodhi and the Guardians. His choice to believe her—to have faith in her—to always come for her. And what had touched her the most was that he wanted to truly know her and be with her. He could hear her trembling voice in his mind even now: _“No one's ever wanted that before.”_

That where he'd fucked up the most. She had been alone and lost for so long that the thing she wanted most from life was for someone to _want her_. For someone to _choose her,_ above anything else. And over the past months he'd done the exact opposite.

But he could fix this. He could make it right.

~ ~ ~

Jyn knew she was being difficult. She knew she was stirring up trouble when instead she should allow herself to be happy.

He said he loved her. He wanted to put their relationship first. That should be enough. She needed to let go of her doubt and just accept this. She'd said she didn't want to dwell on the past—now she needed to act on that, instead of just preaching it. She took a deep breath, preparing to speak. But it wasn't her voice that filled the silence.

“I choose _you_ , Jyn.”

She blinked in surprise at Cassian's words. “What?”

He held her gaze and repeated himself. “I choose _you._ Not the Alliance—not even the Jedhans. They're both important to me, but if it came down to it—you or them—I choose you.”

Jyn gulped a short breath, trying to take in his words.

He kept talking. “If you decide you want to join special ops after all, then I'll find a way to follow you to your new home base, and I'll be waiting there for you every time you get back from a mission. Or if you decide you want to leave the Alliance altogether and run away to some distant planet, then I'll go too. If we stay, we stay together. If we go, we go together. I... I think I made this choice in my heart the moment I tried to call off the attack that killed your father—the moment I ran toward the danger on that shuttle platform to save you. I had all the intel I'd been sent to gather. But that's not what mattered most to me, anymore. _You_ did.” Her heart raced. He really meant this, didn't he? He meant every word.

“I'm sorry it took my head so long to catch up with my heart,” he said softly. “But it has. I choose _you_ , Jyn. Always.”

Something inside of her was singing—flying—floating. Before she was even conscious of her own movement, her hands were combing through his hair, pulling his face toward hers.

As they kissed, the soaring in her soul continued, and she believed that for the first time, the Force had decided to give her the exact blessing she most wanted.

~ ~ ~

With every rough and eager kiss, with every touch, every caress, Cassian knew he'd finally come home. No more lost wandering. He was here to stay.

He wanted to memorize her. They way her teeth tugged at his lip. The smooth warmth of her cheek beneath his palm. They way she gasped when he nipped at the curve in her neck just below her jawline. The way she tugged at his hair when he shifted the angle of their embrace. He wanted this to last forever.

But his mind could never be so kind. The persistent awareness of their surroundings—sitting in an empty medbay recovery room—slowly asserted itself.

Their night wasn't over. They still had so much to do.

With a sigh he ended a kiss and pulled her in for a hug, resting his chin on top of her head. “I'm sorry,” he whispered.

“Why?”

“Because this should have been nothing but happy. But with Serchill and all the other work we have to do...” Force, there was still so much to do. “I'm sorry.”

She pulled back and tilted her head to meet his eyes. “That doesn't mean this isn't happy, Cassian. In my experience the good and the bad always go hand in hand—I've never had one without the other. So when the good comes, we need to grab it and hold on tight and squeeze out all the happiness we can, because who knows what comes next?”

She never ceased to amaze him. “I was always so busy obsessing over the complicating details of whatever new bad thing was happening that I probably missed a lot of good along the way. I think I like your way better.”

“Good. Because I refuse to let you be sad right now.”

“Thank you.” He couldn't stop smiling. This was so right. Thank the Force they hadn't missed this chance. “And I am definitely not done with all this,” he indicated their embrace, “because we still have a lot of missed opportunities to make up for. But I think we should be at the prayer meeting. Our friends need us.”

Jyn nodded, a thoughtful look in her eyes. “You're right. And if you're serious about speaking up for the Jedhans tomorrow, then the prayer meeting is the perfect opportunity for you to figure out what _they_ think they need—not just what you think.”

This was why he loved her so much. “Okay. Lets go.”

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I picked the quote for this chapter because this is when Jyn and Cassian finally clear up their last miscommunication and choose each other for good, and the quote expresses a very similar sentiment.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an emotional prayer meeting, two different couples face the changing nature of their relationships.

>  “I made every mistake, And felt the shame rise in me, And even now I lie awake...”
> 
> _History Has Its Eyes On You,_ Lin Manuel Miranda's _Hamilton_
> 
>  

Bodhi closed the leather prayer book and sighed, letting his eyes shut for a few moments of rest. He wanted to be able to say something meaningful at the meeting tonight. Something to give people hope and comfort even when they felt rattled by their friend's choice. The problem was, he didn't feel hopeful or comforted. No matter how much it hurt him, he understood exactly why Serchill had made the choice that he made.

He'd lost everything in the galaxy that mattered to him, and in the small group of people who'd called him “family,” he was still the odd man out, with no guaranteed future or prospects.

Bodhi could relate.

Even now he could still feel that dark well of despair that had overcome him when he emerged from days of torture in Gerrarra's cell, only to find that his mission had failed. His world crumbled before his eyes.

By the Creator, he missed Noor and Pabo. He missed Galen.

He loved his new family, but they could never replace what he'd lost. No one could.

How different would the galaxy have been, today, if he'd taken Galen with him, instead of just carrying a message? Galen had never suggested it, but if Bodhi hadn't been so angry—hadn't felt so used—he would have insisted on it.

As his friends had assured him in the past, Jedha would still have been the Death Star's first target. But could Alderaan have been spared? Would Serchill's son still be alive? Leia's parents and her people? Was all that loss due to his stubborn heartache?

This was a burden he would carry for the rest of his life, and one he felt more potently today than he had in months.

How could he offer comfort and hope, when he had none to give?

“Then don't offer them comfort and hope.” Chirrut's unmistakable voice no longer startled him. He sighed and opened his eyes to gaze at his spectral visitor.

“Then what _do_ I offer?” he said. “More pain? More sorrow?”

“Exactly.” Chirrut smiled.

Bodhi frowned. “I don't understand.”

“Sometimes, what people need most is to know that they don't bear their burdens alone. That others share their pain. That they are united in their suffering.” He paused a moment, inclining his head toward Bodhi. “It's the loneliness that is unbearable. When the pain is shared, it feels lighter.”

Bodhi squeezed his lips together. This message was clearly for him, even more than it was for the people would soon be addressing. “Maybe you're right.”

“I know I am.” Chirrut offered a cheeky grin. “Go. Share your pain. They will appreciate it.”

“Alright. I will.” He'd held back from exposing himself too much over the past two months of leading prayer meetings. He didn't want to make himself that vulnerable. Maybe it was finally time to let down that wall.

And there was another vulnerability he needed to deal with. “Can you help me with another problem I'm facing?”

“You mean Tehma and his feelings for you?” Chirrut nodded knowingly.

Bodhi sighed. “The last thing I want is to hurt him. But I can't let this go on any longer. What do I do?”

“You tell him the truth.”

Bodhi frowned. “Of course I do. That's not what I was asking. How do I tell it without hurting him? Without breaking his heart?”

“You don't.” Chirrut shook his head. “He will hurt, and his heart will break. But he is young and his feelings are new, and have never been reciprocated. They have not had time to take a deep root. Tell him the truth as soon as you can, and remind him of the importance of your calling and your friendship. It will take time, but he will bounce back.”

“You really think so?” Bodhi stared down at the smooth grain of the leather book cover. He still hadn't bounced back from his relationship with Galen.

Chirrut sighed—an affectation that Bodhi couldn't help but find amusing, given the obvious fact that ghosts don't breath. “It won't be easy, and it will almost certainly take longer than you want. There is a high likelihood that he will pull away from you, for a time, in order to protect his heart. Be patient, and focus on the work—serving your people, and serving the Force. That is where your priorities must lie.”

Bodhi squeezed his lips together and nodded. “Alright. I think I know what I need to do.” Tehma understood the importance of their work. That's what Bodhi would emphasize. Personal feelings couldn't get in the way of their work.

Hopefully that would be enough to ease Tehma's pain.

~ ~ ~

Jyn couldn't help but notice that Cassian's labored steps were even slower than usual, as they made their way into the meeting room. Today had been a huge strain on him. She needed to make sure he got a good night of sleep, after the meeting.

Bodhi and Tehma were already at the speaker's platform, while the first worshipers milled about in the room.

“You're sure you've got this covered?” Tehma was murmuring to Bodhi as they approached.

Bodhi nodded. “I do. Trust me.”

Tehma nodded with tight lips, and he and Bodhi both turned to them as they approached.

“Did you—did you talk to Serchill?” Bodhi asked, wide-eyed.

Cassian nodded. “I did. Maybe he'll be ready to talk to you tomorrow. We'll see.”

“How is...what did he...” Tehma stammered for the right words. Jyn could sympathize.

“He's still hurting deep in his soul,” Cassian said with a simple eloquence that surprised her. “He feels like he's disappointed us. Of course I told him he hasn't.”

Tehma's eyes glistened with unshed tears, and Bodhi nodded tight-lipped.

“He said,” Cassian continued, “that he was thinking about one of your prayers. He'd wanted to step from this life into the next, and become one with the Force. But Chirrut was standing in his way, stopping him from leaving.”

This was new to Jyn. Cassian hadn't been ready to talk about it, before. Tehma let out a little gasp. “Chirrut? Did you tell him about us and Chirrut?” Jyn looked up at Cassian, equally curious. The Guardians had helped to save them back on Scarif. Had they done so again?

Cassian shook his head. “I didn't tell him you'd all been seeing Chirrut until after he brought it up. I think hearing about your experiences helped him. He feels like the Force must still have some purpose for him in this life. I think he'll want to talk about it, eventually. Not sure if he'll be ready, yet. I'm still trying to get a handle on it, myself. All of this is still so new to me.” He turned his gaze to Jyn. “But I believe. I don't doubt any of you. Our being alive after Scarif is a miracle. If the Force needed a servant to watch out for the rest of us, I understand why it chose the Guardian.”

Jyn couldn't help but smile. Even a few weeks ago she never could have imagined this sort of open profession of faith from Cassian. It might take a bit to get used to this, but she certainly liked it. He'd lived far too long without faith in anything but his cause, his droid, and his wits. He needed this.

Tehma blotted his tears with the back of his hand and sniffled. “I was angry at Chirrut. I yelled him. I shouldn't have done that.”

“It's okay,” Jyn said, resting a hand on Tehma's shoulder. “Chirrut understands. He won't hold it against you.”

“She's right,” Bodhi added. “Don't worry about it.”

Tehma took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay.”

After making plans to drop by the medbay in the morning, in case Serchill felt up to visitors, it was time to share her plan. “Cassian needs to say a few words at the beginning of the meeting,” she said. “He has an announcement, of sorts. A call for people to come and express what they believe are the needs of the Jedhan people.”

“Really?” Tehma's eyebrows shot up.

Cassian nodded. “I have a chance to speak to the full Council, tomorrow. I want a list that I can present to them.”

“Thank you,” Bodhi said softly.  
  


“Just doing my job,” Cassian replied.

A few minutes later, the room was packed with worshipers. As requested, Bodhi let Cassian step forward first, to share his request. “Come speak with me after the meeting. I'll wait here for at least an hour,” Cassian said, after informing the crowd of his opportunity. Jyn noticed Leia in the back of the room. She wondered what the princess thought about this move. Was she still hoping Jyn would take the assignment she'd offered her? Jyn would have liked to call Leia a friend, but now she wasn't sure if that would ever be possible.

Cassian continued talking to the crowd, “It can be anything—physical needs, spiritual, emotional. Anything that you feel will benefit the entire Jedhan community. I'm here to listen, so that I can speak on your behalf.”

A nervous tension buzzed through the crowd, with low conversation filling the air. Good. Jyn smiled. By the end of the night she and Cassian should have a good, long list of ideas to present to the Council.

Once he was done speaking, she helped Cassian settle on a crate against the wall that she'd saved for him. She held Cassian's hand and turned her eyes to Bodhi. She was eager to hear what he had to say, tonight.

Bodhi waited a minute for the room to quiet, and then spoke. “Most of you probably know by now that a friend of our community made the choice to harm himself this morning. The weight of his pain had been so heavy for so long that he wanted to put the burden down, permanently. He wanted it to end.”

Jyn's throat tightened. Serchill had seemed so calm and certain when he'd talked to her last night. He'd asked her to look after Cassian, but had no concern for himself. He'd been at peace with his choice. In many ways she could understand the logic of it. Why shouldn't it be his choice to end things on his own terms? And yet, in spite of the logic, the choice still felt unthinkable. No matter how hard things had gotten for her, this was a step she'd never once considered.

Saving Serchill had been the right thing for her, and for the little family she'd found here in the Rebellion. She hoped that someday Serchill would agree that they'd made the right choice in saving him.

Bodhi continued to speak. “I'm not going to try to explain his choice. I won't condemn it, neither will I approve of it. But I do understand it. And I understand that he is not alone in carrying a burden of pain that often feels so overwhelming that giving up seems like the only choice that makes sense. We've all felt that way, since losing our home and our families. Since losing Jedha.”

Jyn watched as his eyes scanned the crowd, making brief eye contact with many of the Jedhans who she knew had struggled the most with their grief and anger and depression.

“When I defected from the Empire, I did it to save my home and my people,” he said, a slight tremor in his voice. “And for that choice I was imprisoned and tortured by a radical terrorist. And when I escaped with the fog of pain and horror still clouding my mind, I emerged onto a landscape that I did not recognize. Because it was crumbling into a wave of destruction before my eyes. It was the nightmare—all of my worst fears coming true. It was exactly the tragedy that I'd tried to stop. And I failed.” His voice caught in his throat, and Jyn saw tears standing in his eyes.

The room full of worshipers was quieter than it had ever been before. Jyn felt her heart pounding at her shared memory of the last minutes of life on Jedha. But it hadn't been the same for her, as it was for Bodhi. It never could have been.

“I failed,” Bodhi repeated. “And the pain of that failure is a burden I will bear for the rest of my life. It is a burden you share with me, through no fault of your own. This pain is a pain that will never leave us. It will live in our hearts and in our souls until the day we each pass from this life into the next.” His voice grew more confident and intense as he spoke. Jyn hadn't heard him speak with such passion since the first week of regular worship.

“And there are times,” he said, a fire in his eyes, “when that pain, and that loss, and the ongoing pain of this endless war, makes each of us want to hasten the end.” He fell silent for a few moments, and the weight of that silence felt heavy in the air.

Bodhi lowered his voice, but the firm sincerity of his tone did not alter. “I blame none of you for wanting the pain to end. Someday the end will come for each of us. And that pain will only be lifted from our hearts when we step from this life into the next. But know this—all of you. You do not have to carry this pain alone. We are family. The last sons and daughters of Jedha. And we will carry this burden together. All of us.” His eyes darted around the room again, his gaze lingering on Leia for a few seconds when he met her eyes, before moving on. “When the pain is too much—share it. When you can't carry it any more, turn to your brothers and sisters, and we will carry it with you. The pain will never leave any of us. But when we carry it together, the burden is bearable. When we share this pain, we can endure. And if we endure, then someday our children and our grandchildren can grow up without the pain, on a New Jedha that we build for them. And that is worth every painful minute.”

A New Jedha. That was what this was all about, in the end. But for the first time, it felt real to Jyn. This was going to happen. And she was going to be a part of it.

Silently, she thanked the Force for setting her on this path.

Bodhi was right. This goal—this mission—was worth every minute of pain that she'd endured to get here. And she was damn well not giving up until every person in this room could say the same.

Bodhi took a deep breath, and nodded his head. “May the Force be with us.”

“May the Force be with us,” echoed Jyn, along with nearly every other voice in the room.

Bodhi settled onto his platform, crossed his legs, and began to pray.

~ ~ ~

Bodhi had felt Chirrut with him as he spoke, and out of the corner of his eye he could have sworn that he caught a glimpse of the other Guardian—Baze Malbus.

He was glad for their presence. He'd tried to plan his words, but hadn't been confident in them until he felt the Guardians beside him. He'd felt the Force with him, validating his words, in a way he hadn't in weeks.

Finally, he was back on the path it had set for him.

“Within the Force, there is no time,” he prayed. “Within the Force, there is no pain. Within the Force, there is peace. I fear nothing, because all is as the Force wills it. The Force is with me, and I am one with the Force.” He felt the power surrounding him and flowing through him, connecting him to every being in the room and beyond. For the first time in weeks, he was at peace.

He repeated the final mantra, “I fear nothing, because all is as the Force wills it. The Force is with me, and I am one with the Force.” The other worshipers prayed along with him, their solidarity making the flow of the Force even more potent.

Eventually, his mind surrendered to the flow of the Force, and he fell silent. He lingered in that place of peace and oneness for as long as he could before returning his focus to the room, where all prayer had ceased.

He looked around the room, at the brothers and sisters and siblings that he'd had the privilege to gather. He hoped they'd felt the peace and power that he'd felt, tonight.

Just as he'd said—the pain was still there, but now it felt bearable. It was something he could live with.

After a few minutes of silence, he stood, looking around at all the people he'd gathered. All of his brothers and sisters and siblings. The lost children of Jedha.

“May the Force be with us,” he said, calling the meeting to an end. May the Force be with them always—they were sure as hell going to need it.

He walked over to where Jyn and Cassian sat. Jyn had tears standing in her eyes. She smiled up at him. “Thank you, Bodhi. The Force was truly with you tonight—thank you for sharing it with us.”

He took a deep breath, and nodded. He still needed to get used to this kind of response. If this was going to be his life, now, he'd be hearing a lot of this sort of thing. “And thank you for opening yourself to the Force.” She smiled again, and in that moment, with her pain clearly etched on her face alongside her sincere smile, she reminded him powerfully of Galen. He'd worn that same expression so often.

It took Bodhi a moment to collect his thoughts. He turned his gaze to Cassian. “I'm sure others will come to make their comments to you, soon. I wanted to get mine in first.”

“Of course. Anything to help you, Bodhi.” Cassian nodded.

Before this evening, Bodhi was never consciously aware of the needs he was about to express. They'd been buzzing in the back of his soul like insects trapped behind a window. But tonight, that window was open, and he knew exactly what the Jedhan people needed most. “We need a new home,” he said. “Not just on bases and ships. If the Jedhan people are to survive, we need a planet. A place we can settle down. We need to be able to start families—to have children—and to raise them in safety. Please ask the Council for the resources to begin scouting for a safe planet that we can colonize.”

Cassian held his gaze for a moment, and then nodded. “That's a tall order, but I'll press the issue as hard as I can. You're right. A civilization isn't a group of soldiers and techs. It's families and homes. Anything else?”

Bodhi took a deep breath. This next request was something he should have pressed for months ago. “We need to send a scout ship to Jedha. Or at least some probes. I know Imperial presence in that sector is still strong, and I know that the likelihood of anyone surviving the radiation and the endless winter of the debris-cloud is very slim. But it's not impossible. There may be survivors on Jedha, and if there are, we need to help them.”

Cassian clenched his jaw before answering. “Of course. Even with resources spread thin, the Alliance owes Jedha that much. There may be no survivors to find—but if there are, we need to look for them.”

Bodhi nodded. “Thank you.”

“Thank me after I get the council to agree,” Cassian replied.

“I will.” Bodhi smiled at his friend. Cassian wasn't someone he ever would have befriended under the circumstances of his previous life, but in this life—he couldn't imagine it without Cassian. “Tehma and I will help organize those who wish to speak to you.”

“And I'm ready to take lots of notes,” Jyn said, raising a data-pad she'd brought along.

“Then lets get this started,” said Cassian.

~ ~ ~

The line of Jedhans offering up their suggestions and requests occupied more than an hour beyond the end of the prayer meeting, and by the end, Cassian felt his eyes getting heavy and his shoulders slumping. It had been such a fucking long day.

Many of the requests were impractical or overly personal, and many of the suggestions repeated or overlapped with what earlier people had said. Those were the ones that Cassian knew were the most important—the ones that many people in the community cared about. And many of the Jedhans repeated Bodhi's requests—a world to call their own, and a search for more survivors, whether on Jedha, or out in other parts of the galaxy.

Behind the eyes of each person he spoke to, Cassian saw the same pain. The pain that would never leave them, just as Bodhi had said. But Cassian could see as clear as his hand in front of his face that the community that Bodhi had built was making their pain endurable. And Cassian was going to do his damnedest to help.

The more time he spent with Bodhi and the Jedhans, more convinced he became— _this_ was why the Force aided in their escape from Scarif. _This_ was why he was still alive. Not for the Rebellion. It would continue well and strong without him. But for the Alliance—for the future Republic. They needed their faith. And Bodhi and his Jedhans would give that faith to them.

This was, along with retrieving the Death Star plans, the most important thing Cassian had ever done or ever would do. But unlike the hasty mission to Scarif, this task could very well take the rest of his life, however long or short that might be. And he was glad the Force had allowed him to survive long enough to do it.

After the last of the Jedhans had finished speaking to them, they made their way back to Jyn's bunk-room, with Bodhi and Tehma at their side. The rest of their bunkmates were already waiting, passing around a bottle of gin. After sitting on a bottom bunk next to Jyn, Cassian was happy to take a swig. He needed the break.

But there was no break to be had. Mahir Raarif and Mayris both started peppering him with questions about Serchill. He managed to give a short account of his visit—heavily edited to avoid the most personal moments.

“Do you think he'll want visitors in the morning?” Neev asked, all her many years showing in the lines around her eyes and mouth.

Cassian sighed and looked down. Jyn squeezed his hand, rubbing his wrist with her thumb. Okay. He could get through this. Just a little longer. “I think he might. But I'm going to see him alone, first, to be sure. And he probably won't want more than one or two visitors at a time. Wait until I give the word before any of you try to go see him.”

Fortunately, they didn't press for more, instead moving into their normal bedtime routines.

“You look exhausted,” Jyn murmured. “You need to get to sleep.”

“I need to review those notes one time before bed, first. I've got to be ready for that meeting.” He had to know those requests by heart. He needed to get this right.

“No.”

He blinked in surprise at Jyn's determined look. “No?”

“No,” she repeated. “You'll have plenty of time to review the notes in the morning. You've had an exhausting day, and you are going to sleep. Is that understood?”

He couldn't repress a smile. “So you're the one giving the orders, now?”

She smiled back. “Only when you need them. And tonight, you need to listen to me. Your meeting with the Council will go far better if you're well-rested and in good spirits. So you're saving the notes for the morning. You are going to get a good night of sleep.”

Jyn had always wanted to take care of him, and, he realized, today he'd finally given her permission to do so. “Alright. I'll try to sleep. But it's always hard to sleep well when I have so much on my mind.” He'd always been a light sleeper, and on days when he had so much to process, he never slept well. But a nice long lie-down would still help him feel more on top of things tomorrow. He would try.

Jyn clamped her lips together and frowned. He raised his brows. “Is that not good enough?”

“No. Wait here.” She rose and walked over to Tehma. A moment later he fetched something small from his locker and handed it over to her. She walked toward him, grabbing a water-bottle from her bunk on the way. She stopped in front of him and held out her palm, offering up a small yellow pill.

“What is that?” he asked, though he had an idea.

“A sleeping pill. Tehma needs them, sometimes. They work very, very well.” She stared at him expectantly.

Cassian winced. “I, uh, don't really like sleeping pills.”

Her expression softened a little, and with a low voice, she replied. “No. When you were a spy, you didn't like sleeping pills. You needed to be ready to go at a moment's notice. You could never let something impair you. You could never leave yourself vulnerable. But you aren't a spy, anymore, Cassian. You're safe. You're with family. And you need to sleep so you can do right by that family at your meeting tomorrow.”

It was like she'd crawled around inside his head. For years he'd gotten used to sleeping with a blaster under his pillow and his face toward the door, ready to leap up in an instant. He couldn't use pills. They were a liability he couldn't afford, no matter how exhausted he sometimes got.

That was the past. He needed to put it behind him.

Without a word he reached out to take the pill and water bottle. He gulped down the pill before he had time to talk himself out of it.

Jyn smiled and nodded, putting her water bottle away. “I'll walk you to your quarters—make sure you take care of yourself properly.”

“Okay.”

He murmured goodnights to his friends and, leaning heavily on his crutches, made his way into the corridor with Jyn at his side. His legs felt heavier than they had in weeks. He really was exhausted.

They walked the few corridors over to the officers quarters in comfortable silence. They'd said enough, earlier.

They reached his quarters, and Jyn followed him into the tiny room.

With a groan he sank to the edge of his bunk and leaned forward to open the latches on his leg braces. Now even his hands felt heavy, and his brain was starting to get foggy. “I think that pill is kicking in already. That was fast.”

“That's kind of the point,” Jyn replied. She crouched in front of him and began helping with the braces. He didn't protest. In fact, having her here, quietly helping with a soft smile on her face, filled him with a warm, peaceful feeling that he hadn't experienced since he was a child.

He shimmied slightly to finish the process of removing the braces, and then Jyn plugged them into the charging dock next to his bunk. Cassian reached out and gripped her hand, giving it a little tug. With another smile she sat down next to him.

“I like having you here,” he murmured.

“I like being here,” she replied.

“Good.” He cupped his palm on the side of her face, and kissed her.

The kiss was soft and slow and warm and fuck he could really get used to this. When the kiss ended, he rested his forehead against hers. “I love you.” Now that he'd said it once, it felt so easy—so light. A secret he no longer needed to keep, and never wanted to keep again.

“I know,” she replied, and kissed him again. It was all the answer he needed. She knew all his flaws, knew exactly how he felt about her, and wanted him all the same. She didn't need to echo his words for him to understand.

He could feel his eyelids getting heavy and his movements slowing down even while his lips still brushed against hers. When they parted, it was hard to open his eyes again. “This pill is really kicking in.”

“Let's get you to bed.” She started unbuttoning his shirt.

His eyes widened in surprise for a moment, but then he let it go. She was taking care of him, and he was going to let her.

When the buttons were done he pulled off the shirt, leaving on his thin undershirt on, and Jyn crouched again, this time tugging off his boots. He undid his belt, and Jyn helped him ease out of his trousers, leaving only his shorts.

In spite of the drug clouding his mind, he still felt a tingle at the vulnerability of being undressed in front of her. She hadn't seem him like this since the medbay on Yavin. She stood in front of him and combed her fingers through his hair. Kriff, that felt good.

“You need the 'fresher?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“Can you get there yourself?”

He rolled his eyes. “I seem to get the job done every day, yes.”

“But you're not on one of those sleeping pills every day,” she teased.

He huffed. He was ready to sleep, but not so tired that he couldn't manage the five steps from his bed to his tiny private refresher. He grabbed his crutches and shot her a challenging gaze before leaning on the crutches and limping forward. Without his braces he had to carry more weight on the crutches instead of using them mostly for balance. But the work he'd done on his upper body over the past months had left him more than capable of swinging his body weight over the few steps to his refresher. After stepping inside he shot her one more gaze, and she inclined her head in acknowledgment. Normally he didn't bother closing the door behind him, but he wasn't comfortable enough with their relationship to take that step quite yet. He slid the door closed and rushed through his nightly hygiene routine.

When he came out, she was perched on the edge of his desk. Waiting.

This could be his life now—ending each day with her by his side. Jyn was right. Even with everything bad that had happened today, this thought still made him happier than he'd been since waking up with her in his arms the morning after the Death Star was destroyed.

He hobbled back to his bed, sitting and leaning his crutches in their usual spot. Jyn stared down at him, quiet and expectant.

He hoped what he was about to say was what she wanted to hear. “Stay. Will you stay with me?”

She didn't look surprised. Instead, she nodded. “Okay.”

He swallowed hard, suddenly nervous. “I mean, only if you think you can sleep in a crowded bunk.”

She gave him a bemused smile as she lifted one of her feet and tugged off her boot. “I can sleep anywhere. It's been a necessary survival skill.”

“Ah. Of course.”

“You'll be okay with the tight quarters?” she asked as she tugged her second boot off.

“I think this pill will do the trick.” Even now he felt the fog in his mind growing thicker.

“Go ahead and get settled in while I use the 'fresher. I'll be out in a jiffy.” She flashed a parting smile as she strode into the refresher and slide the door shut behind her.

They'd shared a bed a few times back on Yavin, when they were testing the waters of a relationship for the first time before he pulled away. He shouldn't be nervous about this. And yet he was. But he didn't regret asking.

He was one part nervous energy and one part sleepy fog as he settled under his blankets, his back against the wall, leaving the outer half of the bed for her. It was a roomy bed, as far as military quarters went, but still too narrow for two occupants unless they planned on snuggling up with each other.

A few minutes later the refresher door opened. His heart skipped a beat at the sight of her—her clothes in a bundle in her arms, wearing a tank top and shorts, her hair hanging loose around her shoulders.

He'd dreamed of moments like this. But with the fog overtaking his brain, there was no way tonight was going to go how his dreams had. Even so, simply holding her close would be like paradise.

With a quiet smile she pressed the button that deactivated all of the lights other than the tiny reading light over the head of his bunk, and wordlessly slid under the blankets beside him, her body knocking against his in a dozen delicious places.

She lay on her side, facing him, still wearing that same quiet smile.

He draped an arm over her hip, her warmth seeping into him like sunlight, and smiled back. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth, and his blinks grew slower, his eyes increasingly unwilling to open again. But he managed one last question. “Are you good?”

In reply she snaked an arm up toward his face and gently brushed his fringe back from his eyes with her fingertips. “Yes. Never better.”

He continued to smile as his eyes closed for good. _Never better._

He pulled her a little closer, clinging to his awareness of her soft warmth for a few more seconds before slipping into deep slumber.

~ ~ ~

Bodhi watched and waited as most of his bunkmates burrowed into their beds for the night. Neev still sat, reading something on a data-pad, and Veera quietly entered the room, as she did most nights, to join Mahir in his bunk, pulling the thin privacy curtains closed. Those curtains were the closest most rebel soldiers got to having their own room, and everyone had learned to respect the scant barrier as if it were solid metal walls. It was one of the necessary fictions of a military life.

Bodhi left his curtain open, waiting.

Tehma took his time in the shower before he emerged from the refresher, a towel draped around his waist. He smiled as he passed Bodhi to reach his locker.

Bodhi took a deep breath and averted his eyes while the younger man dressed. He hadn't felt so self-conscious about this sort of thing when he only thought of Tehma as a brother. But given his new understanding of Tehma's feelings, things didn't feel so simple anymore.

Once he was wearing a tank top and pajama bottoms, Tehma sat on the edge of Bodhi's bunk, as he did most nights. Usually they would discuss plans for the coming day for a few minutes before saying goodnight.

Bodhi wished tonight could be that easy.

Tehma looked worn and battered—far older than his eighteen years. He sighed. “After Scarif, I thought that nothing outside of direct combat could leave me so rattled and exhausted. I think today proved me wrong.”

Bodhi nodded slowly. “But we're all still here. Still family. Never forget that.”

“I won't,” Tehma replied softly. After a moment of silence, he raised his eyes to meet Bodhi's gaze, his eyes filled with longing. “I think... I was wondering if maybe we...” He cut off his words and looked away. “Never mind. Sorry.”

Bodhi couldn't drag this out any longer. “We need to talk. Somewhere private. Just the two of us.”

Tehma's brows rose. “Do you want me to...?” He reached for the privacy curtain.

“No.” Bodhi shook his head. “I want a little space to move. Let's go to the rec room.”

Tehma bit his bottom lip, looking anxious, and nodded. They quietly left the bunkroom and headed down the corridor to the small rec room, where seating clustered around two holovid viewers and three small game tables. Bodhi let out a breath of relief when they found the room unoccupied.

He walked toward one of the game tables, but hovered behind a chair, feeling too much nervous energy to sit.

Tehma mirrored his actions, his eyes wide. “So, you, uh, wanted to talk?”

Bodhi took a deep breath, and silently sent a prayer out to the Force for strength and compassion. “This work that we're doing—it's the most important thing I've ever done. It's important for our people, and important for the galaxy, and right now, I need this work to come before everything else in my life. The work is what matters the most, you know?”

Tehma squeezed his lips together and nodded. “Yes. I—I feel the same. I still don't know why the Force chose me, but yes. This work is the most important thing. You're right.”

Okay. Good. This was a starting place. Bodhi gripped the back of the chair in front of him. “Our partnership is important to this work. And our friendship is important to _me_. You know that, don't you?”

“Of course I do,” Tehma said earnestly. “You're important to me, too.”

Bodhi clenched his jaw. Damn it. He didn't want to do this. But he had no other option. “I'm still in love with Galen,” he said in a rush. “I still think of him at odd moments, and sometimes I dream of him, and I've never had a chance to properly mourn him.”

Tehma stared at him with wide-eyed confusion.

Fuck. Bodhi continued his fountain of words. “I want to mourn him. I need to mourn him. But I haven't had the chance. I haven't mourned Noor and Pabo properly, either. I've been rushed from one duty to another with hardly a chance to breathe. And I feel like maybe I'll finally get that chance when we move over to F.S.S. And I need it. Because I can't let go. I can't move on. You—you see—I haven't let go of Galen. My heart—my heart isn't ready to let go. To move on. I'm not ready to open my heart to someone new. Not to—to anyone. Not as a lover. I just...I'm not ready. I don't know when I will be. _If_ I will be. Maybe it's just not in the cards for me anymore. I don't know.” He looked down at his fingers as they dug into the thin upholstery of the chair. He couldn't bear to meet Tehma's eyes. “So—so because I wasn't ready for a new relationship, it didn't even occur to me until very recently that other people--” He choked on his words. Fuck, this hurt like citrus juice on an open wound. But he needed things to be clear between him and Tehma. Their people needed them, and these issues couldn't get in the way of that. “--that other people might be interested in me, that way,” he finished his thought. He shook his head. “It didn't even cross my mind. I'm sorry. Really. I am.”

At last he raised his eyes, and instantly wished he hadn't.

He saw the painful realization crossing Tehma's face. The rejection. The embarrassment.

He hated himself for this. But he would hate himself worse if he continued to lead Tehma on. Maybe, under other circumstances, he might have been attracted to Tehma. But under these circumstances—after losing so much... After Galen...

He cringed and looked down again. “If I said anything or did anything to...to...” He shook his head again. “Then I'm sorry. More sorry than you can know. It tears me up inside to hurt you. You're my best friend.” Another knot rose in his throat, cutting off his words for a moment. “You're my best friend, and I love you. Just not the way you wanted me to.” He raised his tear-blurred eyes to meet Tehma's equally teary gaze. “I'm so sorry.”

Tehma clenched his jaw, nodding slowly. He looked away, rocking back on his heels, as if trying to hide the tears on his cheeks.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“You don't...you don't have anything to apologize for,” Tehma stammered, in a rough, quiet voice.

Bodhi's chest ached. “All I want is for things to be right between us.”

Tehma sniffed loudly and angled his body even further from Bodhi. “I get it.” His voice shook. “I want that, too. But I--” He heaved a shaking breath. “Can I have a little space right now? I just need a little space.”

Bodhi blotted his own tears with the back of his hand. He didn't want to lose his friend over this. He needed Tehma. They were partners. He couldn't do this work without him.

But right now, he needed to respect Tehma's needs. “Okay,” he murmured. “Okay. I'll just, uh...” He shuffled to the door. He paused, looking back, aching for some way to help his friend.

Tehma turned deliberately, his entire back to Bodhi.

The message was clear. Anything Bodhi said or did would only make things worse.

With a wordless huff of helpless sorrow, Bodhi stepped out into the room and closed the door behind him, to preserve Tehma's privacy.

Everything hurt.

He hadn't realized his own heart would break so completely in the act of breaking his best friend's heart.

Chirrut had believed that time could fix this, but at the moment Bodhi wasn't sure he shared that conviction.

He ambled back toward the bunkroom in a daze, only noticing Neev when she was a few meters in front of him. He blinked at her in surprise.

Without hesitation, she strode toward him and wrapped her arms around him. Though the older woman stood more than a head shorter than him, her arms were strong and steady, and her embrace buoyed him up. He squeezed her back and took some unsteady breaths as a few more tears escaped his eyes.

“There there,” Neev murmured, rubbing his back the way his mama had when he came crying to her as a boy. “This pain won't last forever, and until it's gone I'm here to help you bear it.”

“Why are you... How did you...?”

“The Force whispered to me that my little Guardians needed help, so I came. Poor boys. Affairs of the heart are never easy, but you had to speak your truth.”

He looked down at her in astonishment. “How did you know?”

She smiled up at him, the lines etched around her eyes speaking of both laughter and of pain. “I was young once. And I have a son your age, Bodhi. I see things. And I saw how Tehma looked at you. And I saw that you didn't look back at him the same way. Still mourning your lost sweetheart. Not ready to move on.”

The lump in his throat prevented Bodhi from answering. He only nodded. Neev nodded back, a faraway look in her eyes. “I lost my husband nearly two years ago, and I can't imagine ever taking another lover. Your loss is even fresher. I understand. I also understand that Tehma is probably the one who needs my help the most, right now.”

“Yeah,” Bodhi murmured. “He does. Thank you.”

Neev patted his arm before heading past him. “Go get some sleep. It'll be easier to bear in the morning. And I'll be with Tehma to help him bear this pain. He won't have to do it alone.”

Without a glance back, she headed into the rec room.

Bodhi had often taken the steady, devout presence of Neev for granted. Never again.

With his still aching heart, he made his way into his bed, pulled his curtains shut, and lay back, staring at the bunk above him, his eyes slowly adjusting to the dark.

“This morning when you said you needed more help in this work, I told you that Cassian and Jyn would be part of the answer to your needs. Neev is another part of the answer, and the final part will come sooner than you can guess,” whispered Chirrut's voice. “Be patient. Everything will be right, in the end. Even your friendship with Tehma. Trust in the Force, and it will be with you.”

Bodhi sighed. _Trust in the Force._

He had to believe that it would help him and Tehma weather this. He needed to have faith.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I chose the opening quote because it pretty well illustrates Bodhi's state of mind both at the opening and again at the closing of this chapter.
> 
> Life is busy lately, so there probably won't be another update until late January. Sorry. :(  
> And i'm always looking for more friends on Tumblr - my blog is multi-fandom/personal - mediumsizedfountain


	19. sneak peek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to reassure you all that I really am working on an update - life has been really trying lately, and it was killing my creativity for a while and is still making it hard to find writing time. But I really want the next update to be ready in the next two weeks or so.
> 
> I'm posting this sneak peek as a promise to you, and as a way to kick my own butt into gear. Be looking for the full update soon!

...

 

Bodhi couldn't help but smile in wonder at the small woman—the same age as his mother—who had lost so much, and yet was ready to embrace faith and hope. “We are truly blessed to have you at our side. It will be an honor to serve with you, Neev.”

“The honor is mine.” She squeezed his hand again and patted his arm. “I'll look after Tehma for the next few weeks. I can study the texts with him—it will do him good to teach me all the things that I've forgotten.”

Bodhi squeezed his lips together and took a deep breath. Studying the texts with Tehma was going to be what he missed the most. “Yeah. Yeah. That sounds good. I guess I'll have to keep up the study on my own. Or maybe Mayris could join me some of the time.” She'd expressed interest in deepening her knowledge of the texts.

“I think you should study with Jyn,” Neev said, punctuating the unexpected suggestion with a sharp nod.

“Jyn? I mean—she's a great friend, but I don't think this kind of study will really appeal to her.” Bodhi could hardly imagine it. She'd complained constantly when she was doing her independent study course on rules and procedures.

Neev held his gaze and wagged a finger at him. “You must convince her to do it. She is a believer, and she wants to be one of us. She lost her family and her people, just as we did. Bring her home, and strengthen her faith. She'll do the same for us, in return. You can count on it.”

 

...

 

Full chapter coming soon! *fingers crossed*

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The survivors of Scarif face the fallout from Rostok's choice. Bodhi struggles with the new tension between him and Tehma. Cassian faces the Council.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally finished the chapter that did not want to be written! Yay! Thanks for sticking with me. Depending on how my characters are feeling, there are probably 3-5 chapters left in this story. And I do plan on continuing the series after this with one-shots and shorter (2-6 chap) multi-chapter sequels. I have a pretty good idea of what happens to the characters in this universe over the next decade or so of their lives. My fingers are crossed for monthly updates, but I can't promise better because life is kicking my ass lately.

 

> “But remember from here on in,/ History has its Eyes on you.”
> 
> _-History Has Its Eyes On You,_ Lin Manuel Miranda's _Hamilton_

 

When Jyn drifted close enough to consciousness to become aware of the warm body curved against her back and the arm heavy over her waist she instinctively tensed, ready to burst into any kind of necessary action. The tension brought her all the way out of sleep, and, with a sigh, she relaxed and tugged Cassian's arm a little tighter around her. This was exactly where she wanted to be.

Yesterday's events had drained them both physically and emotionally. But it had also knocked down the final walls between them.

There were no more secrets—no more doubts.

She smiled at the memory of Cassian's words. He _chose_ her. Above the Alliance. Above the Jedhans. Above everything else. From here on out, they were in this together.

Knowing that made everything else feel manageable. As long as they were together, they'd figure things out.

(Was that what Cassian meant when he said he loved her? Did that mean that she loved him, too? Jyn still hadn't settled on a firm understanding of the word.)

His arm squeezed her a little tighter, his fingers pressing against her belly. He hummed out a soft waking-up sound.

“Good morning,” Jyn murmured.

“'morning,” Cassian said, his voice rough. His hand slid over her ribs, pulling her as close as he could. She felt him nuzzling the back of her neck, and a tingle ran down her spine when his lips pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder.

This was how she wanted to wake up every morning. “You sleep well?”

“Best sleep I've had in years,” he replied.

Good. He needed it. “We'll have to see about getting you some of those pills.”

He hummed in uncommitted agreement and then said, “I think the company helped, too.”

“Is that so?” She couldn't stop smiling.

“Uh-huh.”

She squirmed in his embrace until she rolled onto her other side, facing him. He stared at her with sleepy eyes and a soft smile, looking as young and happy as she'd ever seen him. “We might have to make a habit of this,” she said.

“Yes,” he murmured, just above a whisper.

She tilted her head a few inches and brushed a soft kiss across his lips.

His arm tightened around her, pulling her close, and his lips parted for a deeper kiss. They spent the next several minutes lost in the sensations of touch. Hands stroking each other's bodies and combing through each other's hair. Knees knocking together; her thigh wrapping over his, and then hitching higher, toward his hip. Slight, nipping kisses followed by deep, leisurely kisses, followed by hurried hungry kisses.

This was exactly what she'd wanted for all these months since Scarif. They'd both wanted it—and finally they'd let go of the last hesitations and given up on the excuses.

She ground her pelvis against his, soft sounds of pleasure slipping from her lips. She wanted to do this all day. The heat blazed inside of her when his hand slid under her shirt to caress her bare skin.

She broke their kiss to murmur, “I want you.” Holy fucking Force did she want him. She'd waited for months for this chance, and she wasn't waiting any longer.

Cassian's eyes fluttered open and his breath hitched in his throat. For a moment he seemed frozen. Then he gave a short nod. “Yes.”

_Yes._

She captured his lips again and reached for his shorts. Jyn didn't believe in foreplay—not when the fun could be interrupted at any minute with who knew what kind of danger or demands.

Cassian gasped when she touched him, and rocked toward her.

For a few minutes they fumbled with clothes, enjoying the new sensations and the surging tingles of pleasure.

Some of Cassian's movements were awkward, and finally, as they struggled to get his shorts all the way off, he huffed in frustration, cursing under his breath.

Jyn rested her palm on heart and met his eyes. “Hey—it's okay.”

He frowned. “I just can't... move the way I used to.”

Jyn smiled. “Don't worry about it. I expect this is the sort of thing that will get easier with practice.”

That was enough to get a smile out of him.

“As for today,” she continued, “I can do the moving for both of us.”

It did take a little more awkward fumbling to find just the right position, but when their bodies merged, a sense of delirious happiness flooded through her. They were together. From here on out— _together._

~ ~ ~

While getting dressed after his morning shower, Bodhi frowned at the still-closed curtains of Tehma's bunk.

He'd hurt his friend. Badly. And he had no idea if things could ever be fixed.

“Bodhi.”

He turned to see Neev, still looking tired with her white-streaked hair trying to escape from her characteristic braids.

“Hi. Uh, how did things go, last night?” A foolish question, but he couldn't think of what else to say.

She shook her head. “He is a boy with a broken heart. These things take time.” She took a deep breath. “Tehma asked me to tell you that he needs some space for the next few days, so he can try to pull himself back together. He will still guide the prayer meetings with you every night, but he would prefer not to spend any other time with you for at least three or four days.”

Bodhi swallowed and looked down. It made sense. Really, it did. That didn't make it any easier. “Okay. Yeah.”

Neev reached out and took his hand, giving it a good squeeze. “When I was a girl I dreamed of joining the Guardians of the Whills. I studied the texts and went to pray and meditate at the temple whenever I could. But then, when I was seventeen, I met my dear husband, and decided that running away with my sweetheart was a little more important to me.” She sighed. “I regret nothing from my marriage except the way I walked away from my faith. It would have served me well when my husband was killed and my son left. But it has been rekindled, and it is not too late to follow my childhood dream. I want to join you and Tehma in your new order of Guardians. I vow to stand by your side as long as I still draw breath.”

Bodhi couldn't help but smile in wonder at the small woman—the same age as his mother—who had lost so much, and yet was ready to embrace faith and hope. “We are truly blessed to have you at our side. It will be an honor to serve with you, Neev.”

“The honor is mine.” She squeezed his hand again and patted his arm. “I'll look after Tehma for the next few weeks. I can study the texts with him—it will do him good to teach me all the things that I've forgotten.”

Bodhi squeezed his lips together and took a deep breath. Studying the texts with Tehma was going to be what he missed the most. “Yeah. Yeah. That sounds good. I guess I'll have to keep up the study on my own. Or maybe Mayris could join me some of the time.” She'd expressed interest in deepening her knowledge of the texts.

“I think you should study with Jyn,” Neev said, punctuating the unexpected suggestion with a sharp nod.

“Jyn? I mean—she's a great friend, but I don't think this kind of study will really appeal to her.” Bodhi could hardly imagine it. She'd complained constantly when she was doing her independent study course on rules and procedures.

Neev held his gaze and wagged a finger at him. “You must convince her to do it. She is a believer, and she wants to be one of us. She lost her family and her people, just as we did. Bring her home, and strengthen her faith. She'll do the same for us, in return. You can count on it.”

“I...” Bodhi had no idea where this was coming from. But the idea wasn't so terribly ridiculous. It certainly wouldn't do any harm to ask. “I'll, uh, run it by her later today.”

“Good.” Neev patted his arm again. “Now go get yourself some breakfast while I clean this old body of mine.”

It felt odd and lonely to be walking to the mess by himself, but Bodhi supposed he'd have to get used to this for the time being. And the loneliness didn't last long. As usual, a small clutch of fellow Jedhans joined him as soon as they saw him. Even so, it wasn't the same as eating with his best friend.

~ ~ ~

Cassian smiled as Jyn smoothed his hair (still damp from his shower) back from his face one last time before they left his quarters.

When he'd first met her, all those months ago, he never would have guessed that the scrappy, dirty, sullen thief they'd just dragged out of Wobani had such nurturing impulses. She'd been looking after him and Bodhi and Tehma, and even Serchill, since Scarif. And now that he'd given her full permission to take care of him, she seemed determined to do so at every opportunity.

How had he ever managed to convince himself that she only stood by him out of pity? Jyn may not have spoken any words, yet, to tell him how she felt, but she'd shown him her love constantly through her actions—just as she did with everyone else she loved.

“Do I look respectable enough to stand in front of the full Alliance Council?” he asked.

“Of course you do. You'd look respectable enough if you were dirty and half-dead. But you do clean up nice.” Her eyes twinkled with mischief as she smiled up at him.

He leaned onto one crutch and lifted his hand from the other to caress Jyn's cheek. “If there weren't so many important things to do today, I'd be tempted to take a sick day and stay in bed all day—with you.” He knew better than almost anyone how precious each and every day was—each could be their last. He wouldn't squander any more opportunities to savor this relationship. He needed to take every chance to show Jyn just how much she meant to him.

Jyn took a deep breath, a wistful smile on her face. “Maybe, someday, we can indulge ourselves like that. But not yet. Not today.”

That was the story of his life, so far. Not yet—never today. But he finally believed that “someday” would genuinely be possible in the future they were going to build for themselves. The future that would begin with his appearance before the Council. He nodded. “Lets get some quick breakfast. And then I need to go see Serchill again, and then prep for the meeting.”

“Okay. Lets go.” Jyn led the way.

After breakfast, Cassian met with Serchill alone, while Jyn waited outside.

“So they still haven't figured out what the fuck the do with me?” Serchill grumbled. He sat up straight on his bed, looking restless and frustrated. Cassian couldn't imagine how he must be feeling right now—knowing that his private pain was now the axis for so much activity and concern.

“That's part of what the Council meeting will address,” Cassian admitted.

“Well fuck that. They don't give a shit about me when I was keeping quiet and doing my job, and now I'm suddenly important enough for the whole kriffing Council to talk about?” Serchill shook his head. “I didn't want this. I don't fucking want this!”

“Neither do I. But it's where we're at.” Cassian shook his head. “I'll make sure the focus of discussion is on getting you to a place where you can get the help you need—not on who or what is to blame.”

“Keep it focused on the Jedhans. And the fucking Alderaanians while you're at it. That's what they should care about—not about my sorry ass.” Serchill's fist clenched at his side.

“I will. Trust me. I won't waste this chance.”

“Good,” Serchill replied. “It's time someone kicked their asses into getting their priorities straight.”

Cassian only hoped he could live up to all the expectations being heaped on his shoulders.

Serchill agreed to visit with a few other friends—as long as the visitors all came as a group and kept it short. “I don't want to have to answer the same fucking questions over and over again. Just bring them all in at once, and get it over with.”

Cassian agreed to arrange it, and patted Serchill's arm before leaving. Cassian would make sure the Council did right by Serchill. They owed it to him. They owed so much to so many.

~ ~ ~

Bodhi briefly met Tehma's eyes as the small group of friends assembled for their visit to Serchill. Tehma quickly looked away, and avoided looking at him again—or speaking to him directly—as the group made its way toward the medbay. Bodhi was grateful when Jyn moved to walk next to him, and offered him a soft smile.

The gesture helped snap him back into the present moment. He needed to stop dwelling on his own insecurities so that he could be there for Serchill. That was what mattered the most.

The first few moments were even more awkward than Bodhi expected, as nearly a dozen visitors crowded into Serchill's small room, jostling around his bed. On the one hand, it was a good thing for Serchill to see how many people considered him a friend and cared deeply about him. On the other hand, Serchill was not simply going to bounce back from a suicidal depression because of a group hug. In fact, too much attention and fuss might only make things worse.

After a few moments of nervous chatter, Serchill, who straight on his bed, leaning against the wall, his artificial leg stretched in front of him and his natural leg dangling over the edge, cleared his throat and raised a hand. A hush fell over them. Bodhi felt his heart racing. Every time he closed his eyes he could still see Serchill slumped on the refresher floor, pale and unresponsive.

He opened his eyes again to reassure himself. Serchill was here, right in front of him. That nightmare image wouldn't be his last memory of his friend. There were plenty of more memories to make.

Serchill spoke, slowly and in a low, tentative voice. “Thank you—all of you—for caring. And I, uh, just want to apologize for doing this to you all. I'm sorry.”

Even as Bodhi was wondering how any of them could respond, Tehma spoke. “Your pain is our pain, Serchill.” Tehma gave a firm nod, holding Serchill's gaze. “The Force is with you, and we are together in the Force. Your pain is our pain, and we will bear it with you, if you let us.”

Tehma's sentiments echoed Bodhi's own words from last night. He squeezed his lips together and nodded, watching Serchill closely. After a moment of silence, Bodhi said, “You saved my life and our shuttle while you were bleeding out all over the cockpit floor that day on Scarif. You were ready to bleed every drop for us. I need you to know that we would do the same for you. We'd bleed every last drop, if we knew it would work.”

Serchill clenched his jaw and looked down, but it wasn't enough to hide the glint of tears rising in his eyes. He nodded. “Thanks,” he grumbled. He took a deep breath, and raised his head again, glancing in turn at each of them. “I don't much feel like talking, but, uh, I want to say that I'm gonna try to be okay. It's hard to imagine how that's gonna work. But I'm gonna try. I want to be okay.” He looked down again.

Neev was the first to reach out and rest her hand on Serchill's arm. She said nothing, only offering him a steady gaze and a hopeful smile. Bodhi reached out his own hand and rested it on Serchill's shoulder. One by one, the visitors pressed closer, lightly touching Serchill, until the entire group was connected through their sides and shoulders bumping, and through Serchill.

“The Force is with us, and we are one with the Force,” Bodhi murmured in a soft voice, meant primarily for Serchill to hear.

Serchill nodded again, more tears welling, with a few already caught in the beard on his cheeks. “The Force is with us, and we are one with the Force,” he murmured back.

From the corner of his eye, Bodhi saw Chirrut and Baze standing behind the gathered friends, near the door. And then, an instant later, they were gone.

He glanced across the bed to where Tehma stood, and their eyes met. Tehma offered him a tight-lipped smile and a tiny nod before looking away.

Peace settled over Bodhi's agitated nerves. Things weren't okay, yet. Still pretty damn far from it. But for the first time since finding Serchill in the refresher yesterday morning, he believed that, in time, things would all work out.

~ ~ ~

The Force _was_ with them—Jyn felt it in her heart and down to her core.

After another minute of silent solidarity, Neev announced that it was time to leave Serchill in peace. No one questioned her, and everyone murmured soft words of support to Serchill before turning to leave the room.

“Jyn and Bodhi and Tehma,” said Serchill, looking as nervous as she'd ever seen him. “Could you guys stay a couple minutes longer?”

Jyn nodded silently, her throat tight. What could she possibly say to him that wouldn't ruin the wonderful spirit that Tehma and Bodhi had brought to the room? But she wouldn't say no to Serchill.

Serchill looked down at his lap until everyone else had left the room. Then he took a deep breath, squaring his shoulders but still not meeting their eyes. “I, uh, heard that you guys were the ones to... to find me.” He paused. “I'm... fuck.” He shook his head. “I didn't want that to happen. I didn't mean to do that to you.”

Jyn ground her teeth together and shifted her weight, unable to stand still. “So you meant for poor Mahir to find you, when he came to shower after his morning sanitation shift? Like that's somehow better? Damn it, Serchill! You were saying good-bye to all of us two nights ago. You didn't think we'd clue in and compare notes? You matter to us, and we let you down. We waited too long to pull ourselves together enough to promise that we're going to stay together, no matter what. If we'd gotten our heads out of our asses a few days sooner and made that promise to you as well as to each other, maybe you would have gotten help instead of giving up. We let you down. We almost failed you. So stop acting like this was something you did to us! Stop apologizing!” Her voice shook, and she clamped her mouth shut. She shouldn't be raising her voice to him—not like this.

Surprisingly, he raised his gaze and smiled. “Huh. This is the first time since I woke up in medbay that someone's talked to me like a normal person, instead of treating me like a kid or an invalid. Thanks, Sarge.”

“It's Jyn, for fuck's sake,” she shot back, and he smiled even bigger. She found herself smiling back.

“Jyn,” he said. “And it ain't your fault. You want me to stop apologizing? Well then you all need to fucking stop with it, too. And pass that on to Cassian. He isn't doing too bad, but even when he isn't saying it, I can see it in his eyes that he's blaming himself. Stop it. This isn't about kriffing blame. It's about things none of us have any fucking control over, so we just gotta deal in our own ways.” He sighed. “I guess I was tired of dealing. But looks like I've got myself a nice long vacation with some therapists coming up.”

“We're still family,” Tehma said, “even if we won't see each other for a while. That doesn't change. Got it?”

“Got it,” Serchill replied with a nod.

“That means when we write you, you've got to write us back,” Bodhi said. “Or even write us first.”

Serchill smiled again. “Okay. I think I'll actually kind of like that. I wrote a lot of letters to Jarom. Got pretty good at it.”

Jyn smiled again. “Then you'll have to be patient with whatever I manage to throw together. Writing isn't really a strong point for me.”

“Never would have guessed,” Serchill teased.

Things were beginning to feel real again—not like the waking nightmare of yesterday morning, or the fantasy-come-true that she'd been experiencing with Cassian the past twelve hours.

They managed to chat for a few more minutes in a way that almost could have taken place around a table in the mess. And then it was time to go—an unpleasant reminder that while they all still had duties and purpose, Serchill was stuck here in medbay.

Jyn lingered a moment after Bodhi and Tehma to say, “When you get wherever you're going, make them give you a job. Don't let them leave you idle—it won't be good for you.”

Serchill replied with another tight-lipped smile and a nod. “You're probably right on that point. I'll kick their asses until they let me do something useful.”

“Good. I'll see you again, soon.”

“See you, Jyn.”

She wished there was more she could do to help him, but Cassian and the doctors were right—Serchill still needed a kind of help that no one here could give him.

In the waiting area, Tehma and Bodhi with chatting with Cassian about the impending meeting. Bodhi stepped away from them and stopped her before she was close enough for the others to hear much. “Hey,” he said, “so, uh, Neev has decided to join our new Order, and Tehma's going be studying with her the next few weeks to get her ready.”

Jyn was puzzled by the uneasy look in his eyes. “Is something wrong between you and Tehma?”

He frowned. “Just... a little misunderstanding. But, uh, we need a little time to smooth things over, yeah?”

“Okay.” Jyn wouldn't pry if he didn't feel like talking.

“Anyway,” Bodhi continued, “Neev suggested that I, uh, ask you to study with me, for the next little while.”

Jyn's eyes widened. Her? Study religious texts? She stood dumbfounded. “I... I mean... I would like to learn a little more. I do have faith. And it might help me understand my family history a little better. But I'm not much of a student.” An uncomfortable knot twisted in her gut.

That wasn't an answer, and Bodhi knew it. He raised his brows. “So...?”

Jyn took a deep breath. Okay. She'd talked over a lot of unspoken feelings with Cassian the past two days. Maybe it was time she did the same with the other people she loved. “I want to. But before we start, I think what we really need is a quiet spot and a bottle of gin to share so we can finally have a conversation I've been avoiding since the day we met.”

Bodhi's expression settled into understanding. “Your father—we still haven't talked about him.”

“Or mourned him,” Jyn added. “I think I avoided it because a part of me is still childishly uncomfortable about your relationship with him. And also a little jealous that you got to know him as an adult, and I never did. But I think we finally need to have that talk. And we need to finally mourn him. He deserves that much—and so do you.”

Bodhi squared his shoulders and swallowed hard. “Yeah. You're right. We'll do that as soon as we can make the time.”

“Sooner rather than later,” Jyn added, “or we might lose our nerve.”

He smiled. “Okay. We'll make it happen.”

Jyn felt a weight begin to shift inside of her—but not quite lift. That would take a little more effort. But it was long past time.

~ ~ ~

Cassian had reviewed his notes nearly a dozen times that day. He was as ready as he ever would be for the upcoming meeting. Even so, he felt unease stirring in his gut as the time for the meeting drew near. He hadn't been nervous about delivering intelligence reports—no matter how grim and no matter how high-ranking his audience—in years.

This was different. His influence at this meeting could help shape the future of an entire culture—and, to a lesser extent, of the entire Alliance. The only other time he'd been in this position was when he delivered his report following Jedha and Eadu.

That meeting hadn't gone so well. Even before Jyn took her turn to speak, he'd slipped out to begin gathering allies for their rogue mission.

Today, that wouldn't be an option. The Jedhans were stuck with the Alliance. How much support they got—how much of a boost the Alliance would give them in building a new home—rested in large part on his persuasiveness.

He thought he might be sick.

After her visit with Serchill, Jyn insisted on a short walk—telling him that he needed to stretch the tension out of his muscles and forget the studying for a half-hour, or he'd be too on-edge to make his plea for the Jedhan's. She had a point. Once he was up walking, he did start to feel a little better.

With not quite a half hour to go before his meeting, he and Jyn stopped short at the sight of a gray-haired general with a cane limping toward them, with an aide in a crisp administrative uniform at his side. Seeing high ranking generals aboard Home One wasn't unusual, but this was his first time seeing General Haller Josten of Fleet Support Services aboard the flagship. Josten's involvement in the Jedhan project meant that Cassian needed to win him over. He _had_ to make a good impression.

Cassian straightened as much as he could, coming to attention, with Jyn echoing his behavior, though with a nervous smile on her face.

Before he could open his mouth to speak, the General called out to them, “Major Andor; Sergeant Erso. Just the people I was looking for.” He grinned at them as he drew close.

The grin must be for Jyn and her status as granddaughter of Josten's old friend. But Josten's eyes were locked on his as they came to a stop a few feet from each other. “General.” Cassian nodded respectfully.

“Good to see you again, sir,” said Jyn.

“Good to see you, as well,” Josten said to Jyn, before turning his eyes back to Cassian. “I've heard you mean to speak on behalf of our Jedhan community at our council meeting. I understand you've been their commanding officer, of sorts.”

“Yes, sir. On both counts. The Jedhan community has come to mean a great deal to me. I intend to do what I can to help them.” Cassian fought to still the nervous stirring in his gut.

“Good. I look forward to hearing you speak,” replied the General. “And I'll be relying on your input as we arrange the transfers to F.S.S.”

“I'm happy to assist, sir,” replied Cassian.

“Excellent. Let me introduce you my aide, Lt. Rashan Teek. He's been doing the equivalent of your job over-seeing the Jedhans that have already gathered at one of our bases. I want the two of you to work together on this transfer to integrate the two communities as smoothly as possible.”

“Good to meet you,” said Teek, extending his hand.

Cassian took his hand for a firm but brief shake. The young Lt. was clearly Jedhan himself. It made sense to have him in charge of his own people. Cassian felt his stomach sink. He'd thought, perhaps foolishly, that he might still have a hand in the command structure of the Jedhan division. But now—this introduction was almost certainly the first step in handing all control over to Teek. “Good to meet you, too,” Cassian replied, and then clenched his jaw.

There would still be a place for him, there. He had plenty to offer F.S.S., even if it meant being assigned away from the Jedhans. He couldn't let this affect his report to the council. _Damn it._

“If you could,” said Josten, “I'd like you to take the next quarter hour or so and get the ball rolling with Lt. Teek. Get him started on your personnel files, and set him up with a place to work.”

In spite of the informality of the request, Cassian knew an order when he heard one. He nodded. “Yes, sir. Of course.”

“Thank you,” said Josten with another grin. “And if the two of you don't mind, I'd like a word with the Sgt. here for a few minutes.”

“Of course,” Cassian replied automatically.

“Gladly,” Jyn said, though she looked uneasy.

Cassian offered her an encouraging smile before turning to Teek. “We can get you set up in one of the Admin. Department conference rooms. Right this way.”

He turned and led Teek toward the Admin. Department, giving Jyn one last nod of farewell. He couldn't help but notice that Teek had to actively slow his own pace to match Cassian's walking speed with his crutches. Cassian clenched his teeth. He'd made so much progress, yet it still felt as if he was so far behind where he needed to be.

“Is it true that you were part of the ground team on Scarif with Bodhi Rook?” Teek asked.

Cassian wasn't surprised. Bodhi was something akin to a celebrity among the survivors of the Jedhan genocide. “Yes. We were there together, and we got out together, by the skin of our teeth.”

“Do you know—has he ever mentioned having sisters?” Teek said.

Cassian raised his brows. “He had two sisters, yes. Why?”

Teek looked a little sick to his stomach. “Had. So... they died in the blast.”

Cassian stopped and met Teek's eyes. “Did you know his family?”

“Yes. I was... I was friends with one of his sisters.” Teek shook his head. “I'm sorry, Major. When I first heard Bodhi's name and his story, I thought it was impossible for him to be the same Bodhi Rook that I remembered. But then I saw the holovid of the award ceremony, and there he was. I guess I was just hoping that if he made it off, maybe his sisters did, too.”

“His older sister and her son died on Jedha,” said Cassian, sympathy for the young man welling inside of him. “But his younger sister and his mother moved to Coruscant more than two years ago when his sister was accepted to a science academy there. I think her name is Beera?”

“Beera,” Teek said the name reverently. “So she's still out there.”

Cassian was starting to think that Teek must have been something more than just friends with Bodhi's little sister. “Yes. But in an Imperial science academy on the Imperial capital planet. She's just as out of reach as if she'd died on Jedha.”

“Maybe. But maybe not,” said Teek with renewed confidence in his voice and expression. “I'll have to get caught up with Bodhi, soon. I didn't know him well, but I'd very much like to speak to him again.”

“I'm sure he'd like that,” replied Cassian. Teek might not exactly be an old friend, but for Bodhi, finding any surviving acquaintances must feel like a blessing from the Force. “But first, let's get your work station set up.”

“Yes, of course, sir,” replied Teek. They continued on their way toward the Admin. Department.

At least the young man was eager to befriend Bodhi. The Jedhan's needed a military leader that had a good relationship with their spiritual leader. Cassian tried to let that thought give him reassurance, and it almost worked.

~ ~ ~

“How have the last few months been treating you?” Josten asked as they strolled through the corridors.

“Well, thank you. I've brushed up on fleet rules and procedures, I've made a good number of friends, and I've been working as a close-quarters-combat instructor. It's been a good gig for me,” Jyn replied. She'd thought about her long conversation with Josten back on Yavin many times, but had never contacted him, though she knew he regularly exchanged messages with Bodhi. She didn't know what else to say, so she hadn't said anything at all.

“I'm glad they've kept you busy. You seem like a woman who wouldn't like to be idle.”

“No. I wouldn't,” she replied with a smile.

He smiled back. “Princess Organa told me that you've thoroughly ingrained yourself into the Jedhan community, and that you intend to stick with them and join us at F.S.S.”

Jyn's brows rose. “Leia said that?” Her last one-on-one conversation with Leia had ended in a fight. She'd thought she'd blown any chance at something resembling friendship with the young leader. Perhaps this was Leia's way of making peace and admitting she'd been wrong to pressure Jyn to leave the Jedhans behind.

“She did. She seems to think that Bodhi and Tehma rely on your support too much to separate you.”

Jyn shrugged. “We all take care of one another. We've been like family since our days in the medbay after Scarif. We, all of us, look out for one another.” She rather liked Leia's statement. This was definitely an apology by proxy, and Jyn was happy to accept it.

Josten nodded slowly and came to a halt. “I understand Corporal Rostok is also part of this chosen family of yours. My prayers have been with you all since I heard about his struggles. There are two good hospitals in our network of supporters that would be able to provide him with the care and support he needs to heal. I'm working with his doctors to determine which facility to transfer him to.”

“Good. The Alliance owes him that much, after what he's lost for this cause.” Jyn snapped her mouth shut, afraid of getting a little too forceful regarding her opinions on some of the Alliance's choices.

“We do owe him. We owe so much to so many, and we can't pay all of those debts, yet. But we can pay this one. I'll see to it myself.” For the first time Jyn heard the steel of command in his voice. He wasn't just a kindly old man—he was one of the most experienced general's in the Alliance. And he'd made himself her ally. It was the sort of luck she'd never imagined having, and she wouldn't take it for granted.

“Thank you, General. Really.”

He smiled again. “It might violate protocol, but when it's just the two of us chatting, I'd prefer you'd call me Haller.”

“Alright, Haller,” she replied. He tilted his head to indicate that they take up their walk, and she followed his pace. “Do you have any grandchildren? I don't remember if you mentioned that last time we talked.”

“I have three—two granddaughters and one grandson,” he replied. “And I don't get to see them nearly as often as I'd like. My oldest granddaughter just turned eighteen, and she started fighter pilot training last month. It terrifies me, but she wants to join the fight. Who am I to stop her?” He sighed.

Jyn wished she had some reassuring platitude to offer him, but only undercover intelligence officers had a higher death rate than the fighter pilots. “We need to end this war. The sooner the better.”

“That's a sentiment we can all agree on,” he huffed. “And we're doing our damnedest, though it took us far too long to put our house in order. But I think we're finally on the right track. I arrived just this morning for an organizational meeting to coordinate the redeployment now that our new outposts are opening up. My fleet of transports is going to be very busy for the foreseeable future. And one of the first ones to leave Home One will be shuttling our Jedhans to their new home at one of our F.S.S Depots. I expect that you and your little family will all be on board.” He paused a moment. “Is Major Andor a part of this family, as well?”

“Yes,” Jyn said. “He is.”

“I see. I do find it interesting that he's using his opportunity to address the whole Council to advocate for the Jedhans. I was under the impression that his assignment with them was more a matter of convenience than of choice.”

Jyn didn't like this line of discussion. “Cassian is committed to the Jedhan cause. His years as an intelligence operative hardened him, but underneath it all he's an idealist. He's found a new faith through our prayer meetings, and through Bodhi's vision for the future. It's given him something new to fight for, and he is determined to help build this community.”

“Hmm.” Josten looked thoughtful. “Interesting. What's your opinion of Andor as an officer? What do you think of his leadership style?”

“He's very fair. Very thoughtful. Very intelligent and extremely competent. He's good at reading people's skills and capabilities and putting them in roles where they can maximize those skills and also grow. He's not always as personable as some officers are, but only because he got in the habit of being a bit withdrawn during his years in Intelligence. It's something he's starting to grow out of.” She took a breath. As much as she wanted Josten to think well of Cassian, she needed to be perfectly honest with him. “My opinions might be a little biased. Cassian and I are romantically involved.”

Josten chuckled. “All the more reason to trust your opinion, I say. I read the mission reports from your time together up through Scarif. I have a good idea of what obstacles he'd have to have overcome to win your trust and respect.”

“I trust him completely,” Jyn said. “He believed in me—believed in my father—when no one else was willing to. And he found more than thirty men willing to face death on the strength of his belief.” She shook her head. “None of us would be here without him, but he's never once taken any credit for it. He's...” She mind searched for simple way to sum up Cassian, but couldn't find one. “He's a complicated man, but one thing about him has always been perfectly clear—he lives for his cause, and would gladly die for his cause. And his cause is the future of Jedha, even above and before the success of the Alliance.”

“And do you feel the same way? Jedha first?” Josten asked with a searching glance.

There was no denying the truth. Jyn nodded. “Yes. What Bodhi and Tehma are building represents the very best this galaxy has to offer. Their efforts could inspire the rest of the galaxy to make things better. And, I have to admit that the Alliance hasn't always been very good to me. Or Cassian. And it was certainly not good to Jedha.”

Josten squeezed his lips in a tight line and nodded, look more worn and weary than he had when they first started talking. “You are right about that,” he admitted softly. He took a deep breath. “You've given me a lot to think about. I do have to go prep for the meeting, now. But first I wanted to let you know that a few of Aimee's tapestries are in transit as we speak, and should be on base waiting for you when you arrive for your new assignment with F.S.S.”

“Oh.” Jyn didn't know quite how to respond. She hadn't forgotten his promise to give her some of her grandmother's art, but still hadn't wrapped her mind around it. “I... Thank you.”

He smiled and patted her arm. “It's the least I could do. We'll speak again soon.” He nodded, and took his leave.

Jyn headed to the fitness center. There was no way she'd be able to sit still right now, worrying about Cassian at the meeting, and wondering exactly what her conversation with Josten may have accomplished.

~ ~ ~

When Cassian arrived for the Council meeting, an aide ushered him to a seating area and told him to wait until the Council was ready to hear from him. Naturally. The only consolation was that several intelligence analysts and a captain from a planetary survey team were also waiting their turns. Even so, it was hard to maintain his calm composure, especially after the revelation that Teek would (presumably) soon be taking over his job.

He tried to focus on taking slow, steady breaths, and silently repeated one of the Jedhan prayers in his mind to keep himself centered. It worked far better than he'd expected. When another aide emerged from the Council room to invite him in, he was as ready as he ever would be.

Cassian followed the aide into the room and took in the sight of all the dignitaries and military leaders seated around a long table. Though he'd had contact with nearly all of them, at least in passing, seeing them as a collection made his heart beat a little faster.

“Thank you for joining us, Major. Please, have a seat,” said Leia from halfway down the table. An empty chair stood nearby, clearly placed there on his behalf. He doubted any of the other officers called on to present to the Council had been offered a chair.

“I prefer to stand,” he said.

“As you wish,” Leia replied with a slight rise to her eyebrows.

Mon Mothma spoke next. “Major, I've reviewed the report of the unfortunate incident with Corporal Rostok, and I would like to commend you for your handling of the situation. It was a difficult circumstance and you managed it admirably.”

Cassian squeezed his lips together for a moment. “Thank you, Madam Chancellor.” This wasn't sounding like an opportunity for him to speak, after all. Not good.

“Admiral Josten has arranged for one of our contracted hospitals to take in the Corporal for an extended stay. He will be offered an option between a retirement pension or continued service in F.S.S. upon the conclusion of his stay. At Corporal Rostok's request, you and Nurse Veera Hoddan will accompany the corporal to the hospital, with Lt. Bodhi Rook as your pilot. You will be cleared to leave first thing in the morning. Once the corporal is settled in, you are to return to Home One to assist in the redeployment efforts.”

“Yes, ma'am.” She was leaving no room for him to get a word in edgewise. Damn it.

“I want you to know that I and everyone else on the Council wishes you and the corporal's other friends the very best at this difficult time,” Mothma finished. “Thank you for you time, this afternoon.”

Her final words were a clear dismissal. Had he been fooling himself this whole time, thinking they would actually care what he had to say?

Out of habit, he was about to turn away, but he stopped himself. No. He'd come here for a reason, and it wasn't to get trite words of sympathy. When Jyn and Bodhi had been given similar opportunities back on Yavin, they hadn't shied away from speaking up, and neither would he. “Thank you, ma'am. And if the Council would agree, I ask a few more minutes of your time to address an important matter.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Leia smiling.

“I, for one, would like to hear what the Major has to say,” said General Josten, sitting down the table near Mothma.

Leia nodded. “I second that motion.”

Mothma nodded, her expression unreadable. “Very well. What is this matter you wish to discuss, Major?”

Cassian took a deep breath. “I have been in command of the contingent of Jedhan service members aboard Home One since the evacuation of Yavin, and I am intimately aware of the needs of the Jedhan community. I speak now on their behalf.”

He noted a few raised brows and skeptical looks around the table, but carried on anyway. “Though the survivors of the Jedhan genocide—and it was, undeniably, a genocide—though they appreciate all that the Alliance has done for them and all that it continues to do for them, they need more than redeployment to safer postings. They need the support and resources of the Alliance to help them gather and build a new home—as do the Alderaanians, though Princess Organa might be better versed in their specific needs than I am.”

“What do you mean by _build a new home_?” asked Admiral Akbar, the Mon Calamari representative on the Council.

“What I mean,” said Cassian, “is that survey teams should be sent out to locate a suitable planet for Jedhan colonization, that all Jedhan service members who wish to move to this new colony be released from their service commitments, and that the Alliance provide some necessary provisions, supplies, and support personnel for the initial construction of a community. In addition, our intelligence and recruiting network should seek out any other Jedhan refugees throughout the galaxy and help to gather to this new colony. And finally, we need to send a ship—or at the very least, some probes—to determine if anyone on Jedha itself survived the attack. And if so, we need to mount an evacuation.”

Some of the faces around the table were grim, and Cassian understood why. This was a huge ask at a precarious time.

“You're proposing a massively expensive undertaking at a time when we care barely afford to construct our own bases, let alone establish a new colony,” said one of the generals.

“I am aware of the difficulties of what I've proposed. However, I believe that the long term gains in morale and support that will result from this undertaking will more than make up for the expense,” Cassian replied.

“Exactly how do you expect that to happen?” the general demanded.

Cassian took a deep breath and sent out a silent plea to the Force that it be with him.

“This Alliance cannot pretend that we can press forward merely with the promise of re-forming a government after the image of the Old Republic. That republic had begun to fail its member worlds long before the rise of the faction that would become the Empire. The Separatist worlds, like my own, may have been manipulated by darker conspiracies, but their dissatisfaction with the Republic was real. It had cause. The Republic had come to care more about trade and money than it did about the welfare of the people on its member worlds. The Republic placed a boot on the necks of its disaffected member worlds just in time for the Empire to step into that boot and grind the member worlds into submission. If we truly hope to inspire the galaxy to join us in this fight, we have to prove to them that we will be better than the Republic that failed them. We need to prove to the galaxy that the New Republic that we seek to build will care about the welfare of its lowliest citizens, not merely about the rich and powerful.”

“And how, exactly, will building a Jedhan colony prove these lofty visions of yours to the people of the galaxy?” said General Ugrit—the head of Intelligence who'd taken over for Draven.

“By proving that The Alliance is willing to acknowledge its mistakes and also willing to make amends to citizens who have been harmed by those mistakes,” Cassian shot back. “The Alliance failed Jedha. It failed Jedha and it failed Alderaan. But it failed Jedha long before the Death Star made NiJedha its first target. Because Jedha was merely a religious center, rather than a strategic location, the Alliance abandoned it. The Alliance turned a blind eye when the Empire sent troops to pillage the Temple. It looked the other way when the Empire turned the people of Jedha into serfs. And it refused to get involved even after it became clear that the kyber being mined and hauled away was of significant importance to the Empire. The Alliance allowed Saw Gerrerra's radicals to turn Jedha into a war zone, even while we ignored the persistent whispers of the Empire developing a massive new weapon. Instead of acting when we had a chance, the Alliance hid behind it's curtain of diplomacy and indecision. We failed them, and it is time to make amends. That is how we show the galaxy that we are different than the Old Republic. That we aspire to create a government that will respect the needs of each member world and its citizens; a government that will allow all of the galaxy's unique cultures to grow and thrive without the oppression of any of its people. We must set an example by nurturing the survivors of two genocides that we could have prevented, and by ensuring that those survivors will have the very best chance to grow and thrive. That is how we prove ourselves to the galaxy.” Cassian took a deep breath, feeling winded by the rush of words that tumbled out of his mouth.

The Council members looked, variously, shocked, thoughtful, or frustrated. At least he'd managed to get through to them.

“He's right, you know,” said Josten softly. “People need something more than an enemy to topple. They need a vision of a better future. That's what'll bring in more recruits and more allied worlds.”

“Naturally you would say so—you have a personal stake in this Jedhan venture,” replied Ugrit.

“He is also correct about the failures of the Alliance—and the failures of the Republic before it,” said Mothma, her soft voice cutting like a knife through the heavy atmosphere of the room. “You, better than anyone,” she said, looking at Ugrit, “know the kind of intelligence we had regarding the development of a massive weapons system. And the intelligence we had of the utter degradation and suffering of the Jedhan people during the last few years.”

Ugrit huffed in grudging assent.

Cassian blinked. Was this actually working? And where the fuck had that speech come from? Because it sure as hell wasn't planned. Maybe the Force really was using him—and he was glad for it. But he needed to wrap things up while he was ahead.

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the Council—I thank you for listening to my requests on behalf of the Jedhan people. I know that your time is precious, and won't take any more of it, though I hope you will discuss my requests after I leave you. But I must make one final request. The heart of the Jedhan culture has always been its religion. And the new leaders of that religion are Lt. Bodhi Rook and Pvt. Tehma Yavi. I ask that their military duties be minimized so that they can focus their time on the spiritual and cultural health of their people. Thank you.” He bowed slightly, as much as the crutches would allow.

“Thank you for your insightful words, Major,” said Mothma. “Rest assured, we will carefully examine your requests and do what we can. You are dismissed.”

He nodded again, and turned, hobbling out the way he came.

There. He'd done it. Now the matter was in the hands of the Council, and, Force-willing, they'd actually get their asses in gear and do something about it.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I chose the quote for this chapter because though the Rogue One team affected history in their Scarif mission, it is their actions going forward with this Jedhan plan that will truly make their mark on galactic history.


End file.
